Why I'm here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Troutdale, OR
Posts: 5
Why I'm here
I found out my then boyfriend wAs using 1 1/2 years into our relationship. Sure I found some signs here and there but there was an excuse. I am so nieve to the whole drug world I believed him. It was soon my brother opened my eyes along side my cousin (who then eventually became obsessed) soon I broke things off. He then tried getting clean (with my cousin) after that failed attempt I stepped in and we started going to drug treatment. This is after about 5 other attempts at drug treatments in his past. Needless to say I took him back. I feel a little co-dependency on my part. I was sick of battling these 'other' women and I wanted to be the savior. Treatment lasted a month. He did not return as one day a fellow recovery user have him a ride back to work and offered him a needle full of cocktails! He had support his parents, boss, a few friends, myself. We basically hibernated for months. My relationship with my family suffered as they did not agree with my choice. He even got rid of his phone for 6 months to get away from that life. He was doing good.
We then got married. It was more for medical reasons, I had the insurance and wanted to get him all 'fixed'. More co-dependency. There wasn't a wedding. I told no one... Not a friend or family member. We paid his BFF to become ordained signed the proper papers and in the mail they went. At that point I was transferred at work to a new location so I then put up this happy married facade. He then got a new job. Making great money but the support system started to fail and he got a new phone with the same phone number.
He relapsed. This is now summer of 2012. One year after I became aware. I now knew the signs. Well he soon lost the 'new' job and the stress I was now under. We got a diagnosis that he may have testicular cancer. I eventually started making numerous mistakes at work, you know the ones that are ur everyday routine but for some reason your brain quit functioning and I soon lost my job. We were both jobless and he recovered from his relapsed but his drinking became out of control. We had such a bad fight one night that he ended up at his parents and with the help of his mom, he started going to aa. I was very reluctant, I started to go to al-anon. He stayed at his parents for a while, I went with him to aa. We were then coming together to get the bills paid. We both taking side jobs. Working together.
He then got a job at a large company making great money. It is now holiday 2012 and he quit going to aa (too tired after work) I still wasn't working and his drinking starts up. But not out of control. But of course I was livid, blaming the friend he was with when he began drinking again.
It's now Feb. 2013. He relapsed. I could tell but my sister assured me he was. I haven't spoke to my brother in 1 1/2 years. And maybe have seen my parents 6 times in that durAtion. I got a job. And as summer approaches I start getting sick. I am now on his medical ins. And it had been diagnosed that he did not have cancer but scar tissue causing problems from and injury 15 years prior. I had left him 3 different times because our marriage is out of control. He does what he wants when he wants. It's now sept. 2013. His relapses comes and goes. He's controlling it more. My health is terrible dr. After dr. He has manipulated me each time I left him 'I will change'. The last time was oct. 2013 and I said not until we go to marriage counseling. So we met there. It was an introduction. Our first 'real' appt was 3 weeks away. I remember wondering how I was going to get through til then. Our fights were terrible. He quit giving me any money for bills or MORTAGE ...making me beg on the floor like a dog just to get a few 100$. Counseling comes around and he does not show up. I figure well our marriage is over. He claims he did not like the guy so I told him to find one. He did but manipulates me and said I wasn't treating him right so we can't go. Meanwhile his accusations to me are out of control. We fight everyday,
He now gets a job working for the city! Amazing job and benefits. But refuses to add me. Fortunately I was able to get on at my work but basically my medical issues search starts over. It is now dec. 2013 and I find out he's been having numerous affairs. And these women are horrible to me. I try to get him to leave. He won't. He says he won't ever cheat on me but I'm done! However I have no money to file as he still won't give me money. I present an eviction notice, he tore it up. I can't turn to my family for help
I then start finding out what is wrong with me. I did dodge the breast cancer but not the ovarian cancer. Along side with endometriosis and fibroid tumors. On top of this I discover that along with his cheating came long term consequences. I am now 'til death do us part now' I can't go have another relationship or I be alone. I just pray that my cancer spreads and I am relieved of my misery.
It's now May 2014 and my brother dies. To which I have not spoke to for 2 1/2 years. My family is in termoil. I can't die now, I can't do this to my parents. My mom finally figures out what is wrong with me. As summer is here my husband is gone every weekend. He complained about me working weekends so I took many off...he's gone. Drinking all night. The fighting gets alittle lighter but I have so much going on my grief, my health. And he's high 4 to 5 times a week. I'm really getting good at noticing his habits. Of course I can't talk to him about if as he shuts down. Or he just leaves for days. My medical bills are piling and he started giving me 500$ a month... Not even 1/2 the MORTAGE.
I go have surgery in August 2014 and I choose to stay at my parents while I recover. The stress at my house would never allow me to recover. My house is piled with 1/2 finished projects. Projects he starts when he's high and looses interest when he comes down. Same with his hobbies.
While recovering I did not see or speak to him for 3 weeks. Saw him once and then not again for 2 more. I just was able to drive 2 weeks ago and have been back and forth from my house to my parents.
I sign up yesterday as I went out to the garage and he had something consealed in his hand trying to hide under a box. I knew what it was. See in July I found 6 meth pipes stashed in the garage. Just 4 days ago he was out in the garage and comes in calling me a snoop. He was high and so the next day I saw the areas where I found the pipes all rummaged through. I also found one more pipe. So yesterday I try to reason with him. I tell him he doesn't need to do this, he's better than this, I am here to help. He said he wasn't going to use anymore so I said ok let's go through it away together. He said no and for me to leave. I told him I wasn't stupid as he would use as soon as I left. I then said well let's get high together. He just manipulated me saying I wasn't giving him respect when he asked me to leave. So I did. He then returned from the garage, I feel he was upset with himself because the sadness and guilt he had. We did not speak. I then told him he needed to leave as I did not want this in my house or in my life. I told him I would support him and help him. But basically by him asking me to leave...he choose using drugs over me and our relationship. He comes home last night as though nothing happened. Telling me of all he did. I made a comment and his reply was 'o you turned the light switch again and are going to start misbehaving' I knew then to just keep my mouth shut and wonder what to do. See I have never caught him in the 'act' as I did yesterday so it chAnges dynamics a bit. Today as I reflect, he has no feeling. He has completely numbed all feelings for me. He hasn't told he he loves me In gosh 6 months. Doesn't care about doing anything at the house. Did not care that I was gone for 2 months recouperAting but only that I wasn't home to do his laundry and to cook. He has not given my any money since July. He did pay the water and electricity while I was gone as they were going to be shut off. He shows no emotion but to get upset with me. After my surgery I told him that when I come home things need to change as we can't live the way we were. It was so unhealthy. I get no response to that. He just tells me I haven't changed and that I put out no effort. And how I'm not cleaning the house and anything else he can find to tear me down. I stay up stairs in my room the last week I have been home as he has boxes all over the house that I can't touch or move. He is completely checked out. He has come and gone all weekend. And this is where I'm at today.
We then got married. It was more for medical reasons, I had the insurance and wanted to get him all 'fixed'. More co-dependency. There wasn't a wedding. I told no one... Not a friend or family member. We paid his BFF to become ordained signed the proper papers and in the mail they went. At that point I was transferred at work to a new location so I then put up this happy married facade. He then got a new job. Making great money but the support system started to fail and he got a new phone with the same phone number.
He relapsed. This is now summer of 2012. One year after I became aware. I now knew the signs. Well he soon lost the 'new' job and the stress I was now under. We got a diagnosis that he may have testicular cancer. I eventually started making numerous mistakes at work, you know the ones that are ur everyday routine but for some reason your brain quit functioning and I soon lost my job. We were both jobless and he recovered from his relapsed but his drinking became out of control. We had such a bad fight one night that he ended up at his parents and with the help of his mom, he started going to aa. I was very reluctant, I started to go to al-anon. He stayed at his parents for a while, I went with him to aa. We were then coming together to get the bills paid. We both taking side jobs. Working together.
He then got a job at a large company making great money. It is now holiday 2012 and he quit going to aa (too tired after work) I still wasn't working and his drinking starts up. But not out of control. But of course I was livid, blaming the friend he was with when he began drinking again.
It's now Feb. 2013. He relapsed. I could tell but my sister assured me he was. I haven't spoke to my brother in 1 1/2 years. And maybe have seen my parents 6 times in that durAtion. I got a job. And as summer approaches I start getting sick. I am now on his medical ins. And it had been diagnosed that he did not have cancer but scar tissue causing problems from and injury 15 years prior. I had left him 3 different times because our marriage is out of control. He does what he wants when he wants. It's now sept. 2013. His relapses comes and goes. He's controlling it more. My health is terrible dr. After dr. He has manipulated me each time I left him 'I will change'. The last time was oct. 2013 and I said not until we go to marriage counseling. So we met there. It was an introduction. Our first 'real' appt was 3 weeks away. I remember wondering how I was going to get through til then. Our fights were terrible. He quit giving me any money for bills or MORTAGE ...making me beg on the floor like a dog just to get a few 100$. Counseling comes around and he does not show up. I figure well our marriage is over. He claims he did not like the guy so I told him to find one. He did but manipulates me and said I wasn't treating him right so we can't go. Meanwhile his accusations to me are out of control. We fight everyday,
He now gets a job working for the city! Amazing job and benefits. But refuses to add me. Fortunately I was able to get on at my work but basically my medical issues search starts over. It is now dec. 2013 and I find out he's been having numerous affairs. And these women are horrible to me. I try to get him to leave. He won't. He says he won't ever cheat on me but I'm done! However I have no money to file as he still won't give me money. I present an eviction notice, he tore it up. I can't turn to my family for help
I then start finding out what is wrong with me. I did dodge the breast cancer but not the ovarian cancer. Along side with endometriosis and fibroid tumors. On top of this I discover that along with his cheating came long term consequences. I am now 'til death do us part now' I can't go have another relationship or I be alone. I just pray that my cancer spreads and I am relieved of my misery.
It's now May 2014 and my brother dies. To which I have not spoke to for 2 1/2 years. My family is in termoil. I can't die now, I can't do this to my parents. My mom finally figures out what is wrong with me. As summer is here my husband is gone every weekend. He complained about me working weekends so I took many off...he's gone. Drinking all night. The fighting gets alittle lighter but I have so much going on my grief, my health. And he's high 4 to 5 times a week. I'm really getting good at noticing his habits. Of course I can't talk to him about if as he shuts down. Or he just leaves for days. My medical bills are piling and he started giving me 500$ a month... Not even 1/2 the MORTAGE.
I go have surgery in August 2014 and I choose to stay at my parents while I recover. The stress at my house would never allow me to recover. My house is piled with 1/2 finished projects. Projects he starts when he's high and looses interest when he comes down. Same with his hobbies.
While recovering I did not see or speak to him for 3 weeks. Saw him once and then not again for 2 more. I just was able to drive 2 weeks ago and have been back and forth from my house to my parents.
I sign up yesterday as I went out to the garage and he had something consealed in his hand trying to hide under a box. I knew what it was. See in July I found 6 meth pipes stashed in the garage. Just 4 days ago he was out in the garage and comes in calling me a snoop. He was high and so the next day I saw the areas where I found the pipes all rummaged through. I also found one more pipe. So yesterday I try to reason with him. I tell him he doesn't need to do this, he's better than this, I am here to help. He said he wasn't going to use anymore so I said ok let's go through it away together. He said no and for me to leave. I told him I wasn't stupid as he would use as soon as I left. I then said well let's get high together. He just manipulated me saying I wasn't giving him respect when he asked me to leave. So I did. He then returned from the garage, I feel he was upset with himself because the sadness and guilt he had. We did not speak. I then told him he needed to leave as I did not want this in my house or in my life. I told him I would support him and help him. But basically by him asking me to leave...he choose using drugs over me and our relationship. He comes home last night as though nothing happened. Telling me of all he did. I made a comment and his reply was 'o you turned the light switch again and are going to start misbehaving' I knew then to just keep my mouth shut and wonder what to do. See I have never caught him in the 'act' as I did yesterday so it chAnges dynamics a bit. Today as I reflect, he has no feeling. He has completely numbed all feelings for me. He hasn't told he he loves me In gosh 6 months. Doesn't care about doing anything at the house. Did not care that I was gone for 2 months recouperAting but only that I wasn't home to do his laundry and to cook. He has not given my any money since July. He did pay the water and electricity while I was gone as they were going to be shut off. He shows no emotion but to get upset with me. After my surgery I told him that when I come home things need to change as we can't live the way we were. It was so unhealthy. I get no response to that. He just tells me I haven't changed and that I put out no effort. And how I'm not cleaning the house and anything else he can find to tear me down. I stay up stairs in my room the last week I have been home as he has boxes all over the house that I can't touch or move. He is completely checked out. He has come and gone all weekend. And this is where I'm at today.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,383
Hi and welcome Rochy 
I'm sorry for your health issues. I'm sorry too for what brings you here... but I know you'll find support and understanding in these forums
I hope you can get him out of the house as you wish.
D
I'm sorry for your health issues. I'm sorry too for what brings you here... but I know you'll find support and understanding in these forums
I hope you can get him out of the house as you wish.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Welcome to the forum. Check out the forum here for family and friends of substance abusers. You have a lot going on.
I'm sorry you are going through this but unfortunately, no matter how much support you are willing to give, an addict or alcoholic will not change until they want to change. And quit. My husband is a crack addict and alcoholic and we battled through this for years. And we have kids. Right now he is sober but it takes constant maintenance and willingness on his part to stay that way.
You need as much, if not more, support as he does. If you can, reach out to your family. Hang in there!
I'm sorry you are going through this but unfortunately, no matter how much support you are willing to give, an addict or alcoholic will not change until they want to change. And quit. My husband is a crack addict and alcoholic and we battled through this for years. And we have kids. Right now he is sober but it takes constant maintenance and willingness on his part to stay that way.
You need as much, if not more, support as he does. If you can, reach out to your family. Hang in there!
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,305
WOW. To say that's a lot to manage would be the understatement of the century. You didn't mention children, so I hope there are none involved. I really, really hope you get some relief soon. Welcome to the forum.
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