I'm making a mess out of a mess.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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I'm making a mess out of a mess.
So I get an email this morning that he is no longer employed by “xyz” and might be working evenings part time and would not be able to do dinner this week with the girls.
I panicked. He’s a good worker. Always was. I thought he got fired, laid off, I felt bad. After all of this mess, now he loses his job. I called him. I wanted to tell him I was sorry to hear the news. Knowing how he is with work and hearing he was no longer employed by such and such was like finding out he had an illness. Turns out he resigned. He quit! Handed it in today. His boss said to take a few days to think it over. I have a 30 minute conversation with him trying to “be a friend” – telling him this is not the right decision, you are panicking, the whole thing….He’s completely broken. Can’t take anymore – he has nothing - lost it all – the whole nine. Lost the house, lost the wife, he’s at his breaking point. Can’t go on anymore. Crying – crying – crying. He can’t go on, etc. etc.
He took my advice, he called his boss, they spoke and he is going back to work tomorrow.
It has rocked my whole morning. I am not responsible for this, I know I’m not. He did this to himself, I didn’t do this. But my heart breaks anyway. I feel like getting all of this in motion was the easy part, living with it is harder.
UGH I feel like I am screwing this all up. I feel like I am doing this all wrong. Remember last week I wanted to shoot the kid breeze? Now I’m offering my support for his crisis.
I panicked. He’s a good worker. Always was. I thought he got fired, laid off, I felt bad. After all of this mess, now he loses his job. I called him. I wanted to tell him I was sorry to hear the news. Knowing how he is with work and hearing he was no longer employed by such and such was like finding out he had an illness. Turns out he resigned. He quit! Handed it in today. His boss said to take a few days to think it over. I have a 30 minute conversation with him trying to “be a friend” – telling him this is not the right decision, you are panicking, the whole thing….He’s completely broken. Can’t take anymore – he has nothing - lost it all – the whole nine. Lost the house, lost the wife, he’s at his breaking point. Can’t go on anymore. Crying – crying – crying. He can’t go on, etc. etc.
He took my advice, he called his boss, they spoke and he is going back to work tomorrow.
It has rocked my whole morning. I am not responsible for this, I know I’m not. He did this to himself, I didn’t do this. But my heart breaks anyway. I feel like getting all of this in motion was the easy part, living with it is harder.
UGH I feel like I am screwing this all up. I feel like I am doing this all wrong. Remember last week I wanted to shoot the kid breeze? Now I’m offering my support for his crisis.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Focus on yourself and your kids, not him. If he has a job, great, more money to help with kids, if he does not have a job or a lower paying job and cannot help as much, then that is the current hand you are dealt. Try to live like you don't need him.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I don't know what's going on with me. I'm falling apart and getting confused. I'm forgetting what the horror with him felt like. I keep reminding myself. I haven't "forgotten" I'm just in a different place and I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing now. Do I pretend I don't know him? I think I am grieving...again... I thought I had grieved when I realized the person i knew or thought I knew was gone and wasn't coming back.
Is he of NO concern or consequence to me?
I have never been through this before.
Is he of NO concern or consequence to me?
I have never been through this before.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I have said before about weddings and all the money people spend. You worry so much about the photographer, the cake, the gown, the rehearsal dinner, the honeymoon and everyone gets so wrapped up in the details of the party but they don’t spend any time preparing to be married.
Well now I feel the same way – I feel like I took all of these steps to separate myself from him – I got the lawyer, the family support, the new place the new bank account, the PFA, the child custody but nobody told me how prepare to live divorced.
I feel lost and confused. I don't know what my next step/mini goal should be.
Well now I feel the same way – I feel like I took all of these steps to separate myself from him – I got the lawyer, the family support, the new place the new bank account, the PFA, the child custody but nobody told me how prepare to live divorced.
I feel lost and confused. I don't know what my next step/mini goal should be.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I don't know what my next step/mini goal should be.doing
you DO what is in your OWN and your children's BEST interests.
you put YOU first.
you accept that your ex is exactly where he is by his own hand, his own choices.
there you were thinking "oh poor HIM, on top of everything else (that was all his own doing) now he loses his job".
only the TRUTH was..........he QUIT.
he isn't some helpless little boy. he is full grown man who has been acting like a complete SOB, an abusive drunk. and in the same way he was not a "victim" by losing his job but instead GIVING IT AWAY, the same goes for every other thing you pity about him.
so you take all that worry and pity and you rechannel all that energy into caring about your own life.
you DO what is in your OWN and your children's BEST interests.
you put YOU first.
you accept that your ex is exactly where he is by his own hand, his own choices.
there you were thinking "oh poor HIM, on top of everything else (that was all his own doing) now he loses his job".
only the TRUTH was..........he QUIT.
he isn't some helpless little boy. he is full grown man who has been acting like a complete SOB, an abusive drunk. and in the same way he was not a "victim" by losing his job but instead GIVING IT AWAY, the same goes for every other thing you pity about him.
so you take all that worry and pity and you rechannel all that energy into caring about your own life.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Mini goal......
NO CONTACT, unless it specifically involves children.
Do not let him bait you, provoke you , or manipulate you.
Mini goal 2.......
go get your hair, nails, or toes done, or my personal favorite buy a new handbag.
NO CONTACT, unless it specifically involves children.
Do not let him bait you, provoke you , or manipulate you.
Mini goal 2.......
go get your hair, nails, or toes done, or my personal favorite buy a new handbag.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Meg, this is NORMALNORMALNORMALNORMAL.....
We should have this line made into a song chorus with a good beat we can all dance to: "Two steps forward, one step back, to the side, then forward & back again!"
NORMAL.
You don't have a barometer to measure this because you've never been in this place emotionally before - so it all seems wrong & painful. It isn't, it's just NEW.
What you do next is just whatever is the NEXT best thing, just put one foot in front of the other & keep moving forward a little at a time. And don't beat yourself up for tripping or falling now & again. NORMAL.
Some days will be more productive than others. Some days all you will manage is to get dressed & brush your teeth - others you will accomplish so much you will feel like a Super Hero..... NORMAL.
I have to say, and maybe I'm just being cynical here, but this seems like a big red flag of manipulation....... tread lightly Friend, I smell a Pity Party!
We should have this line made into a song chorus with a good beat we can all dance to: "Two steps forward, one step back, to the side, then forward & back again!"
NORMAL.
You don't have a barometer to measure this because you've never been in this place emotionally before - so it all seems wrong & painful. It isn't, it's just NEW.
What you do next is just whatever is the NEXT best thing, just put one foot in front of the other & keep moving forward a little at a time. And don't beat yourself up for tripping or falling now & again. NORMAL.
Some days will be more productive than others. Some days all you will manage is to get dressed & brush your teeth - others you will accomplish so much you will feel like a Super Hero..... NORMAL.
I have to say, and maybe I'm just being cynical here, but this seems like a big red flag of manipulation....... tread lightly Friend, I smell a Pity Party!
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Meg, it sounds like he is deliberately sabotaging his own life to keep you dancing for him. Its like you are a dancing bear with a collar around your neck and him holding the leash. Time to break free of the leash.
If you really want to help him than you must let him feel and experience every single negative consequence. If you dont then he will never get sober. Why should he? Divorced or not he knows you will always be there to make sure things dont get to uncomfortable for him.
You have to stop enabling him
If you really want to help him than you must let him feel and experience every single negative consequence. If you dont then he will never get sober. Why should he? Divorced or not he knows you will always be there to make sure things dont get to uncomfortable for him.
You have to stop enabling him
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 21
I agree that it sounds like he is self-sabotaging, but don't be hard on yourself for being a caring and compassionate person. Just protect yourself and your heart. Lead with your head. I don't always follow my own advice, but I know it's good advice!
See what others in Al-Anon have to say. And set some limits. He came to you this time, and you helped him sort it out (as a friend); but he can't do this with every crisis, especially since he creates them himself.
See what others in Al-Anon have to say. And set some limits. He came to you this time, and you helped him sort it out (as a friend); but he can't do this with every crisis, especially since he creates them himself.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 113
Meggem-
My experience, and I don't have kids with her or any financial ties, so take this for what it's worth. I cut all contact, I don't care what she's doing, good bad or otherwise. The way I am preparing for divorce is by living as though I am.
I don't know why but the A's in our life seem to let there lives turn into big steaming piles of crap, and then try to garner our sympathy; as though we want to sign up to be the guy at the circus who walks behind the elephant.
It's difficult for sure. Talk to him only about kid stuff and don't let him take the conversation to the place he wants it to go; to your empathetic side. Eventually he will get the point that you aren't interested and hopefully lay off it. Best wishes to you.
My experience, and I don't have kids with her or any financial ties, so take this for what it's worth. I cut all contact, I don't care what she's doing, good bad or otherwise. The way I am preparing for divorce is by living as though I am.
I don't know why but the A's in our life seem to let there lives turn into big steaming piles of crap, and then try to garner our sympathy; as though we want to sign up to be the guy at the circus who walks behind the elephant.
It's difficult for sure. Talk to him only about kid stuff and don't let him take the conversation to the place he wants it to go; to your empathetic side. Eventually he will get the point that you aren't interested and hopefully lay off it. Best wishes to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
and you know what - when he emailed to tell me he couldn't do dinner wednesday night, "I am no longer employed with xzy" was not a factor.
If he could not do dinner wednesday it was none of my business why.
If he had a part time job for wednesdays he could have simply asked me to switch days.
If he quit his job one would think he had more time to spend with the girls, not less.
If I quit my job it would be none of his business. If I got fired it would be none of his business. Nothing in my life is his business.
You guys are right. You are all correct in what you are saying
What rational person quits their JOB??? When that is the only thing they haven't screwed up yet? His girls and his work ethic are the only thing he has left right now
I just printed 2 pages of counseling phone numbers from my insurance. I'm going to start calling later on and see if I can get in somewhere. I'm not going to make it out of this on my own. There is no way.
I have NO idea what I am doing. Why I'm doing it - I am a total wreck. I felt so confident before. I have no perspective.
If he could not do dinner wednesday it was none of my business why.
If he had a part time job for wednesdays he could have simply asked me to switch days.
If he quit his job one would think he had more time to spend with the girls, not less.
If I quit my job it would be none of his business. If I got fired it would be none of his business. Nothing in my life is his business.
You guys are right. You are all correct in what you are saying
What rational person quits their JOB??? When that is the only thing they haven't screwed up yet? His girls and his work ethic are the only thing he has left right now
I just printed 2 pages of counseling phone numbers from my insurance. I'm going to start calling later on and see if I can get in somewhere. I'm not going to make it out of this on my own. There is no way.
I have NO idea what I am doing. Why I'm doing it - I am a total wreck. I felt so confident before. I have no perspective.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I just printed 2 pages of counseling phone numbers from my insurance. I'm going to start calling later on and see if I can get in somewhere
whew, i thought for sure you were going to end with....and i'm going to give them to him.
good for you meggem. asking for help is a good thing, a courageous thing. think of counseling as a life coach. someone who is on your side thru thick and thin.
whew, i thought for sure you were going to end with....and i'm going to give them to him.
good for you meggem. asking for help is a good thing, a courageous thing. think of counseling as a life coach. someone who is on your side thru thick and thin.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
What Anvil just said is so true. He is not your child to take care of. He is a grown man with responsibilities. You put this in motion for a reason.
It sounds to me like you are not yet comfortable in your own skin. You can do this. You are worth so much more than you got from him.
XXX
It sounds to me like you are not yet comfortable in your own skin. You can do this. You are worth so much more than you got from him.
XXX
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You know, we women are raised to be helpers and nurturers.
That only applies when someone skins a knee, not when a grown ass man blows up his entire life. I think it's important to learn the difference. Helping a child in second grade with her homework is one thing. Interfering in a ex's drama - ain't no one got time for that.
You'll figure it out. One day at a time.
That only applies when someone skins a knee, not when a grown ass man blows up his entire life. I think it's important to learn the difference. Helping a child in second grade with her homework is one thing. Interfering in a ex's drama - ain't no one got time for that.
You'll figure it out. One day at a time.
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