kmarie

Name is Kelly- don't know where else to go - have come to realize in the past month that i am an alcoholic. Probably have been for years. I basically drink to get happy. Unfortunately, it doesn't last long and i'm right back to being a pathetic piece of human being. I've tried counseling for my problems and i can tell you you the god's honest truth.........I'm 27 and not until the last year has this ever been a problem for me. I just found out my husband has to go to Iraq in 2 months for 1.5 years and i don't know that I can get better, and maintain while he's gone. When I'm sober I just feel sooooooooooooooo bad and lonely. He doesn't drink - ever - and realizes that there is a problem but i'm sure he doesn't know what to do about it.. It's a very lonely world when you can't tell those closest to you that you have a problem. In closing, here's something that I wrote a few months ago. Thanks for reading this whoever you are. I appreciate it.

Kelly




Kelly

I can express myself when I’m drunk,
When I’m sober, no.

I am creative when I’m drunk.
When I’m sober, no.

I can express feelings when I’m drunk,
When I’m sober , no.

I love and hate everyone when I’m drunk.
When I’m sober, no.

I can be anything you want me to be when I’m drunk.
When I’m sober, no.

To be quite honest, I’m not sober now, guess that’s why I’m typing this.

When I’m sober I have no feelings, no love or hate and no feeling of any kind. I’m Kelly – mother and wife and & nothing else. Anything that I could have been disappeared in a fog of Jaigermeister on a Friday night at 20 years old and I got a child. Any regrets, no. Not really. Just a constant longing to have what others had at that age. Freedom, independence, social life, opportunity.

I take back the 1st sentence in the last paragraph. When I’m drunk, I actually can talk to anyone about anything. I can laugh, cry or commiserate with you depending on your mood. When I’m sober , the world could **** you and I wouldn’t give 2 *****/ because no matter how ****** your life is, mine is shittier and I don’t have the mindset or the compassion to commiserate w/ you. You deal w/ your **** and I’ll deal w/ mine.

So there -

Anna

Hi Kelly,

Welcome and I'm glad you found us. This is a great place to come for support and understanding.

I'm Anna, alcoholic, sober for a few years now. I was also a military wife for 22 years and though I had to deal with constant moves and many separations, I can't imagine what it must be like to deal with your husband going to Iraq for a year and a half.

I think your last two paragraphs say a lot. I had no feelings either when I was sober and I would also be whatever it was you wanted me to be. It was a long process for me, and long before I began drinking, but I completely lost myself in the wife/mother role. That was one reason I had no feelings, because there really wasn't a 'me' anymore. The other reason was because I was depressed. I spent 3 years drinking to ease the pain of loneliness and emptiness. If you're drinking to be happy and feeling emotionless, it may be a possibility that you are depressed? It's just something to consider. You might find however that simply stopping drinking is the answer to your problem. Alcohol is a depressant and you need to get it out of your system before your body/mind/spirit can function properly.

And, as far as your husband not understanding, I think that's why many of us are here and talking to other addicts. Because no one, who is not an addict, can understand the way we feel. You can get lots of support and understanding here.

You have 2 months until your husband leaves. Try not to look to maintaining sobriety while he is away, it can be overwhelming. Just don't drink today. You'll start to feel better.

Keep posting.

Love, Anna

KelKel

Hi Kelly
Welcome!
You will find a lot of information here, stories and situations that will sound like your own.
I find that most of us alcoholics fancy ourselves so much grander when we are drinking than we really are.
When we drink, it is to not really feel our feelings, but to numb ourselves...
And maybe we are a lot of fun to be around when we are drinking. I know for me personally that there are people that just think I am the sh*t and the best party buddy around.
But the reality is that it was all just a drunken life with other drunks...
I can only do this one day at a time, and i am learning to have true feelings and emotions.
I pray you too will take the time to get and stay sober, give those feelings that have long been buried in resentments a chance to resurface.

lulu70

Hey Kelly--Welcome. You have come to the right place. (at least ONE of the right places. My name is Laura and I am a recovering alkie/pothead with a little over 5 months of precious sobriety. I can so relate to all of what you wrote. I know I got to the point where I knew I could not continue drinking, but also could not imagine my life without alcohol. That numb feeling--that is the alcohol. If you can manage to get sober for a little while, your REAL feelings will start to come back. I used alcohol to make my feelings of worthlessness go away, only to find that when I would sober up, they would come back 100 fold.

You can do it. Husband here or not. But you need help. Almost no one can do it on their own. Have you thought about trying an AA meeting? AA has saved my life. You can always go and just listen and see what you think. You will be welcomed with open arms.

In the meantime, keep posting here. Others will be along shortly.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Rowan

Hi Kelly
I'm Rowan, alcoholic. I'm sorry you feel so alone, but I'm glad you found us. I'm glad you're here. I echo Lulu's sentiments about AA; it saved my life too. And it is one place where you CAN share your secrets, your fears, and get unconditional support from other alcoholics and addicts. It would also be a safe place for you to attend while your husband is away. I tried counselling too, for years and years. Mind you I was drinking and taking pills but .. well .. it just didn't work. Nothing did. And I hated what drinking was doing to me, but I felt powerless to stop. Then I found AA, or maybe it found me. You've taken the first step by posting here. Please keep doing so - we need you here. God bless.
Love Rowan

kmarie

thank you all so much for responding to this - I didn't know when I posted if anyone would respond or if I was talking to dead air. I am actually on anti-depressants for those of you who mentioned that maybe I'm depressed - and I also know that drinking and tking them is not only dangerous but contradictes to meds. But sometimes, unfortunately, the drink makes me feel better than the meds. I'm thinking about going to an AA meeting in the next few days but I'm kind of a loner and I'm not sure I'll fit in. I guess I just need to courage and strength to go . Maybe, hopefully that'll come soon cause I'm really at the end of my rope w/ this. Anyway , I don't mean to take up a bunch of space, just wanted you all to know that it made a world of difference in my day to know that you cared enough to respond. I guess I'll keep posting. ")

Kelly

JaySee

Hi Kmarie

JC here - alcoholic

I think you'll find that nearly all us alcoholics feel that we are "kind of loners". When we are actively drinking our condition is a very lonely one. Then we sober up and we feel that no one understands how we feel, we feel lonely again, so we drink. We can find others who feel exactly the same way and talking to these people helps enormously. You'll find a good bunch here, but face to face is an even greater help.

Try an AA meeting, there you will find people who feel EXACTLY the way you do. The whole AA trip may not be for you at the moment, but at least you can sit and listen (there is no obligation to do or say anything) and I'm sure you will identify with a lot of people there.

I KNOW how you feel - try that meeting.

much love

JC

Chy

Hi Kelly and welcome!
The good thing is you realize you have a problem. Another good thing, your not alone. If your ready, done, tired of it controlling you, make a plan, find support, and live in the moment one day at a time. I hope you stick around, there are a lot of miracles in progress here!

Hacker 2255

That's the thing about being an addict/alcoholic....we live in a prison of our own making....a prison of isolation. We feel like we can never fit in because we have such a low self esteem...even when you first start going to meetings you find yourself afraid to make eye contact with anyone, afraid to even lift your head up.. Then you realize that everyone in those rooms is just like you...no better no worse....Hope you make a few of those meetings...I promise it will only do you good.

Peace,

Hack

Dan

Wow. Thanks Hack.

dotcom

welcome kelly,

my name is dot and im an addict. while my doc is meth (a stimulant), it came to the point where i could not be happy or fulfill any sort of responsibility without smoking/shooting. its been 18 months and i feel happiness at times! its not all rainbows and lemonades, but its possible to rock on.

hugs,

dot

kmarie

Hi all - Well in about an hour I'm going to my 1st AA meeting. Wish me luck and hopefully things will go good and i'll be inspired to come back. By the way, this may not mean much but I haven't had anything to drink in a week - and i feel ok about that. Considering I haven't been sober in a 4 day stretch for the last 2 years this is quite the accomplishment. Thanks for all your support.

Kelly

Dan

Four days is much Kelly! Congratulations!
And I hope you have a good experience with your first meeting.
An open heart and an open mind will go a long way to ensure that.
Come back and post regardless.
I'm glad you're here

Brookie

Kelly - I'm right there with you. Just pushing my way through day five. So glad you are going to a meeting. I could have written your post (still could) and so could virtually anyone on this board. I think you've found the right place.

Can't wait to hear about your meeting. I think you'll find its something you've been looking for for a long time. I've been going for about a month. It's only a slight exaggeration to say I feel like an adopted kid meeting his biological family for the first time.

Keep coming back, and please let us know how it goes.

Joe

CRS3

Hi Kelly,
Im Bob, also an alcoholic. It's nice to meet you. Im glad you found the SR website. A whole world of support.

I let you in on a tip. They are always here. It's a little scary!!!!
But oh am I sooo glad!
Trust Me,I know. You cant take too much space. Post as long of a post you as you need!!!!!
I hope the AA meeting went well. If it didnt post anyway. Write down
your thoughts no matter WHAT!
Love an prayers
Bob

kmarie

Hey - Just got back - this may sound strange, but I'm emotionally whipped. The meeting went great and everyone was extremely nice. I was really high energy when I got there but after leaving I just feel emotionally drained. It's like they all gave me so much info to dwell on and all that positive energy just drained me of mine. I don't know if it was just really for the first time being able to put down that fake "wall" or what, but I'm glad my hubby and kids aren't here right now because I think I really need my thoughts to myself. (Told you it sounded strange)

Love Kelly.

Dan

Not stange at all Kelly.
My first meeting overwhelmed me to no end.
A mix of emotions, sadness and joy.
Keep it simple, and above all, honest.
Welcome.

kmarie

Hi all - I think I'm confused about a few things and maybe you guys can help. I'm going to my second meeting tomorrow and its a step meeting. When I went last night they were on step five. There are no beginners groups in my area and they were talking about sponsers. I guess I just don't understand when and how you get a sponser and how to go through this whole process when you're a beginner and they've all gone through the the steps a few times . Any input would be appreciated.
Kelly

Dan

Just spending time at a meeting, even one where they are discussing a Step you are not familiar with, is beneficial. At first, I think it's really important to just spend time with other alcoholics and listening a bit. Get to know some of them. If there are other meetings that you can attend, by all means check them out.
The key is to not be shy about letting people know you are a newcomer. That may be hard for some to do, but it's the key really. Every meeting is different, as are the people you will find there. Some of the rooms require a little more effort on the newcomer's part in order to let it be known you're starting out. Other rooms will be overwhelming with the number of people wanting to shake your hand and offer a phone number.
The fellowship that goes on before and after the meeting is often as important as the meeting itself. That's often where lifelong friendships are made. As for a sponsor, as you get comfortable and start developing friendships with other members, if it's anything like what many have experienced including me, one will reveal itself to you. You'll suddenly feel a special kinship with a particular member. A trust.
But there is no hurry here.
Step One.
We admitted...
Keep coming back Kelly

AmyD

Kelly - go to an AA meeting as soon as possible. I know what you are thinking, because I was too -- "I don't to be around a bunch of wierdos, I'm not like them." What I found was that the meetings are full of so many different kinds of people that you WILL find some friends you can relate to. I think you're going to need some new friends when your husband is gone; friends who can help you with your sobriety.

Hang in there!