countrygirl2014

I read what I wrote last night and all your supportive responses. I'm sorry about that but you all know how it goes. My head is pounding, my sleep stunk, and the nightmares were awful.
Now...here is what happened.
I was fine. I knew I was going to family's house to make apple cider. They are all big drinkers so I mentally prepared myself, and there i sat. I participated in conversation, I was offered a drink, I politely said no. I didn't want one or think of one. 6 hours. But that's all I could take. I thought we were going home (my base, it's safe home) and I find out last minute we are staying for dinner. I got pissed. I wanted to go home. My daughter, fiancé, his dad and a few others start eyeballing me as the bad guy. I had stuff to do!!!(stay sober).
We went home, no one is talking to me. I asked myself "what is the problem? "I washed my daughter, did some laundry, and back over we went. I brought my book so I didn't have to watch others mingle with beers, and I didn't have a chance to read it.
My AV flipped so fast, I don't even know how this happened. NOTHING could have prepared me for this. AV is chattering away, no problem. It's saying "you were more fun when you were drunk" and my fiances dad repeats the voice in my head with "you were more fun when you were drunk" the rest is a blur.
There was no time to stop it. I didn't even want a beer. There was no thought process, no taking of deep breaths, it just pounced on the opportunity to destroy me once again. The only way this could have been prevented was to have stayed home...and ignore the attitude from my 6 year old and my fiancé. I followed all the advice I advice I learned and nothing I heard or read could have prepared me for an unexpected quick flip like that. It was the actions of a beast. And once the first one happened, like I've heard some of you say before, i just kept going because I felt destined for failure and it was too late for me.
End rant. I'm sorry this is so long.

Meraviglioso

Hi countrygirl, I am sorry that happened but I completely understand what you mean when you say it happened so fast. It has happened to me as well. Others have rightfully pointed out that there ARE steps in between where we could have stopped ourselves, and I do agree this is true. In the end, keeping ourselves safe has to be a #1 priority right now. I also feel safe in my own home and am finding myself refusing a lot of invitations recently. Get back at it! I'll be thinking of you.

Gilmer

You are back and that's what matters.

Wastinglife

Do they know you're an alcoholic?

countrygirl2014

Wastinglife, my fiancé understands (after last night) how serious this is and what my goals are. He is now scared for me. All the others...they too are drinkers. They all grew up with that being the norm. They aren't outsiders like me. The life they choose is good for them. Not for me. And the father...oh my god...he is my AV in physical form. He is the worst of all of them. He may be the only one with a serious problem. It would be IMPOSSIBLE to tell him I'm an alcoholic. To him, that is a badge of honor. They are very odd people. They all stick together. Like a big alcoholic atom. Lol...picture it.

heath480

Sorry to hear what happened Countrygirl.

I stayed away from any drinking situations in early recovery,this is what I was advised to do by people with years of sobriety.

Early recovery is difficult enough without the added stress of being around people drinking.

I hope you feel better later,take care.

sprout50

I understand the whole thing with your father in law. I have a brother, who when I first got sober, told me my problem was that I needed the "chill out and have a beer". Fortunately, I can stay away from him. You may not have that option as he is your fiance's father. But now that your fiance is getting a better understanding, can he delfect your father in law for you?

The important thing is that you recognize the problem and now you can put something in place to deal with it.

Treerat66

Hi Countrygirl,

Hopefully now your fiancé understands a bit more he'll give you more support. Hang on in there you can do this.

IOAA2

Hi. In the beginning I forced myself to repeat often that alcohol is Powerful, Baffling and Cunning for good reason.
A very useful suggestion often given is when we are in slippery places and drinking is involved is to have an escape planed in advance.

BE WELL

dwtbd

countrygirl

For me recognizing the AV was half the battle. Identifying the urges, cravings, and all the excuses and reasons for drinking as the 'part' of me that wants to continue the addiction and seeing it as separate from the other part of me , the 'real' , rational part.
The other half is not listening to it, or giving in. The real me is the one who acts , the one who decides to drink , the AV will be there especially in the beginning, but the more you hear and deny it, the less strong it is and the less often it comes around. Starve that sucker out, it can't open a beer and bend your elbow, tell it to eff off, its your elbow !
wish you well

MavisTheFairy13

Me too. One minute I was resolute the next it all changed and I wanted that happy carefree feeling. Today is a new day though, keep posting. I didn't post last night as I didn't want people to talk me out of it...big mistake. at least you have your fiancees support now. Try to avoid his father! You can do this

SoberLeigh

So glad to hear that your fiancé is now on board; so something "good" came out of last night.

As I just mentioned on Mavis' thread, the path to sobriety is neither smooth nor straight; recovery is not easy but it IS possible.

SR is rooting for you, countrygirl (and Mavis).

Cecilia44

countrygirl, sounds like you AV (or your resolve) got conflicted here when you said: I thought we were going home (my base, it's safe home) and I find out last minute we are staying for dinner. I got pissed.

My guess is that that is what threw a wrench into the whole thing.

I would suggest staying away from any drinking situations, especially early in sobriety.

Also, I see the anger in things not going your way.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and have the wisdom to know the difference.

Anna

I had to stay away from alcohol and people drinking for a very long time when I began recovery. It helped me so much by taking the pressure off me.

Fly N Buy

My first venture out and about where alcohol would be ubiquitous was around 100 days. However, sounds like you have more family around. I am older and it wasn't as difficult to sequester perhaps. But, difficult or not - for me to quit and add up 100 + days, It was a necessity.

peace

countrygirl2014

Thank you to each and everyone of you.
Thanks Cecilia, you looked into my brain and found this particular problem when I couldn't.
You guys are the best.

bunnezjp

It's very difficult when others, especially family, do not understand or support. My family doesn't fully understand my recovery either, but they are very supportive, and they aren't big drinkers. You said your fiance is scared for you....its a start, hopefully he will be a good support for you. We're all here for ya

Bunnez

Buggirl

Hi Countrygirl! You are brave. I too drank last night. I went to the pub with my partner and said I wasn't going to drink. Git through the door, 6 pints later and no sleep I had to be up for work and was in a right state! Today is a new day for both of us. I ignored advice early on in my last sobriety about avoiding situations where people were drinking and was just going about my business as usual and it doesn't work! I am taking heed of that advice now and will not put myself in situations in early sobriety again! No more pub or party's until I am ready, I am doing this on my terms now!

Together we will support each other.
Good luck!

Buggirl

Hi Countrygirl! You are brave. I too drank last night. I went to the pub with my partner and said I wasn't going to drink. Git through the door, 6 pints later and no sleep I had to be up for work and was in a right state! Today is a new day for both of us. I ignored advice early on in my last sobriety about avoiding situations where people were drinking and was just going about my business as usual and it doesn't work! I am taking heed of that advice now and will not put myself in situations in early sobriety again! No more pub or party's until I am ready, I am doing this on my terms now!

Together we will support each other.
Good luck!

hopefullylost

"Big alcoholic atom"

I can totally relate to that, countrygirl. I live and work at home for our family business. After work, most if not all of the employees indulge. Some days they might only have a couple. Other days, they binge drink. There is no way to escape being around the drinkers at least some what. There have been plenty of times when I do not participate - just go inside and find something else to do. But I'm worried I won't be able to completely stop drinking since I am surrounded by it daily.

I know many people are going to say, move or quit your job. Perhaps at some point I will need to do both.