waterlines

I joined this site about a year ago and have just read over what I said. It's really depressing to see how bad I was but that I couldn't remain sober. I have given up maybe 3 times in the past year or so, for a maximum of 28 days but always return. I do feel like I made some improvements in my most recent period of sobriety which ended 2 weeks ago but then I went and got wasted this weekend, can't remember what I did but just know I feel guilty and ashamed. I think I keep going back because it relieves the anxiety I suffer with enough for me to go and meet people and feel like I'm making a connection when the truth is I don't have any meaningful relationships in my life and I depend on attention from guys cos my self esteem is so low.

I don't even know if I am ready to give up again but I'd like to hear from anyone with similar stories so I don't have to keep feeling so alone!

least

You're not alone here. We are here to support you in your goal to stay sober. Do you have any real life support? Friends or family? I stay sober by way of daily visits to SR and sessions with my counselor. It's been working for me for almost five years now.

Wastinglife

My social life is non-existent without alcohol. I am single man in my late 30's, so unless I go to bars or pubs, I won't see my friends. I tried internet dating which was a disaster because I was showing up drunk everytime. I have ruined my past 3 relationships with drinking.

I am bored, lonely, and isolated in general, which are an alcoholic's worst enemy. I just want to get out of this rut I am in. I feel like I have no purpose in life. Only my family knows how bad my drinking got and I just pretend to other people I am doing great. Meanwhile, I am broke and working a menial job and spend 90 percent of my time alone.

waterlines

Not really, I live with my parents but they understandably get upset whenever I return to drinking so at the moment I am just trying to stay out of their way to avoid that conversation. And with my friends, I worry that I'll never get better so I shouldn't open up to them because then it will be awkward if I drink around them in future. I started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago but after two sessions she said that she thought it would be too painful for me and may cause me to drink again. I basically heard this as her saying that I am depressed beyond help. Sorry for all the negativity, just feeling really low today.

waterlines

Wastinglife - this is exactly the position I am in, I met a guy that I had been speaking to for a few weeks this weekend and I actually quite liked him however I was way too drunk when I met him and now he doesn't seem to want to talk to me. I also ruined my last relationship through drinking, he ended up cheating on me for months but truthfully I don't blame him. I never fought with him or cheated on him but he could see I had a problem and I was so ashamed about that.

I literally can't imagine going on a date sober but I crave attention to give me some sort of feeling of worth, wonder if I'll be stuck in this cycle forever.

awuh1

Well how about meeting some sober people who have had many of the same experiences and overcome their problems with alcohol? How about some AA meetings? What do you have to loose?

waterlines

awuh1 - it's a good point, it's just been so long since I socialised sober and my anxiety makes it really difficult. It's the physical symptoms that are my biggest problem because I don't even see myself as a shy person, the only thing I've found that properly gets rid of them is alcohol

awuh1

Meeting List

https://maps.google.co.uk/maps/ms?ie...bed&dg=feature

awuh1

Then get some treatment for the anxiety also. What's the alternative?

waterlines

I've been seeing doctors about my mental health problems since I was 16 (I'm now 23). I try to remain hopeful but it all gets on top of me sometimes, I just feel like my problems are impossible to overcome. I suppose the alternative is drink myself to death/ let my suicidal thoughts win. I really hope it doesn't have to be either of those but I feel like I've run out of options

awuh1

Sounds like you might have some depression going on as well. Have you been evaluated and or treated for this?

In any case, I would start AA in the mean time. Have you ever gone to AA?

waterlines

Yea, I've been on various antidepressants and in and out of therapy for both my anxiety and depression since I was 16. I think that's a good idea. I have been to AA once about a year ago and found it positive, only problem was that I had to have a drink before I went. If it could make it to the meetings sober I think it would be really helpful

airwick

Waterlines

I'm 49, divorced w/12 year old boy. Not receiving child support, no job as of yet , the friend that used to keep my spirits up about drinking is no longer here, I don't really want to talk to anyone, I cry like it's going out of style, I sit in my house doing nothing. ----I did repaint the computer room and cut down a tree --- Being out of work through the summer...thinking I would work this up coming school year I don't feel happy---I'm tired of boosting everyones spirits up,

But hell, I've been sober for a little over 6 months-----and you won't catch me typing that I have relapsed.

I feel alone quite a bit-- when I walk through the store people must think that I am the most self-centered bitch on earth. I don't look down ,I look straight ahead--always smile to those older or younger though.

I know why I am alone. I know how I am perceived by others. I was always a one-on-one person. Now that my one-on -one is out of the picture, I feel I have no where to go.

So YOU ARE NOT ALONE WITH FEELING ALONE

waterlines

airwick - congratulations on 6 months! that's really impressive and well done on taking note of your positive things like painting the room and cutting down the tree because I know that when you don't feel happy it is difficult to even get out of bed.

I totally know what you mean though, I know how I must be perceived by others too and I hate it, it's not the person that I thought I was. And I get doubly frustrated that I can't control it because apologising or making light of my problem doesn't change my actions.

Are you referring to your ex-husband when you talk about your one-on-one? I won't begin to compare my most recent break up to a divorce but I think it had more of an effect of me than I realised, the one person who I thought saw the good in me and hadn't given up on me ended up cheating on me and asking me to be out of his life. It makes you feel toxic

awuh1

Well I'm convinced that you can make it to a meeting without that drink. Have you considered calling the local office and seeing if someone might be willing to go with you? It might help the anxiety.

Being alone is often a choice, and a choice that can tend to be self perpetuating. Take the ACTION to counteract it, even though this may seem nearly impossible to do in the beginning. It does get easier with repetition.

Rina

You are not alone! You are reaching out just by doing this! Try to talk to someone face to face! The therapist that you went to obviously wasn't meant for you-actually sounds like an idiot. I encourage you to find an AA meeting so that you can be around others with alcohol problems since you are uncomfortable talking to anyone else in your life about it. It can really help with the loneliness.

waterlines

awuh1 - I would actually prefer to go on my own, so I can leave quietly if I have a panic attack. I know there is one near my house tomorrow night, I'm strongly considering going. Who did you spend most time with in your early recovery? Sadly most of my friends drink heavily as well, although they are accommodating when I say I'm not drinking

waterlines

Rina - thank you, just getting these replies is making me feel better. When you wake up with that feeling of horrendous anxiety and regret you can feel like you're the first person to have gone down this path.

Yea, really considering going to one tomorrow. I met a really nice girl who was my age last time I went but obviously lost contact when I went back to drinking

awuh1

You can still leave quietly if you attend with another person. Just have this planned with them before you go. Explain that you have panic attacks. I'm thinking that this will allow you to feel more supported.

I'm glad you are considering a meeting. It could be a new beginning for you.

Rina

I have horrible anxiety-when I drank it was way worse. I've been sober for 4 months and the anxiety is still gripping at times but I know that if I stay sober that I have a chance at really relearning how to deal with it in a healthy way. I have always isolated before so I am forcing myself to jump into meetings and reach out and even though I get anxious about it at least I'm doing something different than before. You would be surprised how many people have the same anxieties you do and are finding peace by continuing to reach out even after years of sobriety! I hope you go and I hope it helps! It can't hurt you right? Also, if you don't like it-try another! There are some I'm not crazy about and then there are a few that I absolutely love because I just knew that there was nowhere else in my life that I could go and surround myself with people who knew what that awful compulsion felt like! God Bless You!