Where do I start?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 2
Where do I start?
Good morning everyone -
I'm 29 years old and have been an alcoholic for 8 years. I rarely every drank underage (I was the good kid who actually liked school and was involved with a lot) but once I turned 21 and could buy it whenever I wanted, I was lost.
I have a college degree, a full-time job, am an dedicated volunteer for a non-profit... but every night I have 8-10 shots of Vodka. It hasn't always been like this but for the last 5 years (at least) it's been a pretty routine thing.
I have attempted to get help through a program with my insurance company and have been sober for a few short periods of time but it never lasts long. No-one knows that I drink like I do. Not my best friends, not my family; no-one except my doctor and anyone reading this. It doesn't outwardly affect my life to a point where people notice. At least I don't think it does and I feel confident that someone would approach me about it if they knew. I'm a very controlled drunk, I've never been in any trouble with the law (no DUIs), I never miss work due to a hangover and I still have a social life with friends. I also have an extremely strong relationship with alcohol.
I started reading the Big Book and have meetings in my area saved into my phone but I don't go. I want to. I'm killing myself and I want to be sober more than anything in my life. I don't have the strength to take the first step into meetings though and I don't have the willpower to stop on my own. I know that I need help.
It's honestly a terrifying thought to me never to drink again. I don't want to drink but it's such a part of me that it scares me not having it be a part of my life.
Do you have any advice for me on taking the first step in recovery? Was/Is anyone else in the same boat where from the outside, you appear to have a "normal" life?
I'm 29 years old and have been an alcoholic for 8 years. I rarely every drank underage (I was the good kid who actually liked school and was involved with a lot) but once I turned 21 and could buy it whenever I wanted, I was lost.
I have a college degree, a full-time job, am an dedicated volunteer for a non-profit... but every night I have 8-10 shots of Vodka. It hasn't always been like this but for the last 5 years (at least) it's been a pretty routine thing.
I have attempted to get help through a program with my insurance company and have been sober for a few short periods of time but it never lasts long. No-one knows that I drink like I do. Not my best friends, not my family; no-one except my doctor and anyone reading this. It doesn't outwardly affect my life to a point where people notice. At least I don't think it does and I feel confident that someone would approach me about it if they knew. I'm a very controlled drunk, I've never been in any trouble with the law (no DUIs), I never miss work due to a hangover and I still have a social life with friends. I also have an extremely strong relationship with alcohol.
I started reading the Big Book and have meetings in my area saved into my phone but I don't go. I want to. I'm killing myself and I want to be sober more than anything in my life. I don't have the strength to take the first step into meetings though and I don't have the willpower to stop on my own. I know that I need help.
It's honestly a terrifying thought to me never to drink again. I don't want to drink but it's such a part of me that it scares me not having it be a part of my life.
Do you have any advice for me on taking the first step in recovery? Was/Is anyone else in the same boat where from the outside, you appear to have a "normal" life?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,867
[QUOTE=StrugglingGirl;
. No-one knows that I drink like I do. Not my best friends, not my family; no-one except my doctor and anyone reading this. It doesn't outwardly affect my life to a point where people notice. At least I don't think it does and I feel confident that someone would approach me about it if they knew. I'm a very controlled drunk, I've never been in any trouble with the law (no DUIs), I never miss work due to a hangover . . .
life?[/QUOTE]
Hi StrugglingGirl; welcome to SR; glad you found this site.
As alcoholism is a progressive disease, it is fairly safe to say that the word "yet" should be added to each of the above statements.
My advice would be to quit before the "yet" becomes applicable.
There is an abundance of great information on this site; have a look around. The best part of SR, though, is its members and the thoughtful, supportive, and considered responses to posts.
And, yes, I was pretty much in the same boat; the wreckage from my alcoholism wasn't widespread but I had lost my soul - I was a void - wreckage enough for me.
Again, welcome.
. No-one knows that I drink like I do. Not my best friends, not my family; no-one except my doctor and anyone reading this. It doesn't outwardly affect my life to a point where people notice. At least I don't think it does and I feel confident that someone would approach me about it if they knew. I'm a very controlled drunk, I've never been in any trouble with the law (no DUIs), I never miss work due to a hangover . . .
life?[/QUOTE]
Hi StrugglingGirl; welcome to SR; glad you found this site.
As alcoholism is a progressive disease, it is fairly safe to say that the word "yet" should be added to each of the above statements.
My advice would be to quit before the "yet" becomes applicable.
There is an abundance of great information on this site; have a look around. The best part of SR, though, is its members and the thoughtful, supportive, and considered responses to posts.
And, yes, I was pretty much in the same boat; the wreckage from my alcoholism wasn't widespread but I had lost my soul - I was a void - wreckage enough for me.
Again, welcome.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Welcome!
I had a normal life, and it was only the last few months of my drinking that I became quite isolated. I was very confident no one in my life knew about my drinking, other than my husband and children. I was wrong. There is so much denial in alcoholism, it's shocking.
It's very scary for most of us to make the decision to stop drinking. There is lots of support here and we understand how hard it is. I think it's always a good thing to remember that stopping drinking is just the beginning. And, then the hard work begins. If you drink at home, alone, every night, it would be good to change that routine some way. Can you go out in the evenings and do something different?
Know for sure that you can do this!
I had a normal life, and it was only the last few months of my drinking that I became quite isolated. I was very confident no one in my life knew about my drinking, other than my husband and children. I was wrong. There is so much denial in alcoholism, it's shocking.
It's very scary for most of us to make the decision to stop drinking. There is lots of support here and we understand how hard it is. I think it's always a good thing to remember that stopping drinking is just the beginning. And, then the hard work begins. If you drink at home, alone, every night, it would be good to change that routine some way. Can you go out in the evenings and do something different?
Know for sure that you can do this!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Sounds like you hit that fork-in-the-road that we all eventually face. You can continue to do what you are doing and end up walking off a cliff (it really felt that way to me), or you can change course now, and avoid losing all the great things you have.
I think it's fantastic that you realize now that your drinking has gotten out of control. You have a chance to turn things around before you start picking up a lot of regrets.
It's REALLY HARD to make the changes you need to make, but trust me, you will one day wish you did. You really don't want to go there.
I hope you find a program that works for you, and that you find the courage (I know how hard it is), to walk into an AA meeting for the first time. Try a speaker meeting at first. To me, a speaker meeting is the easiest way to try out AA. Good luck. John
I think it's fantastic that you realize now that your drinking has gotten out of control. You have a chance to turn things around before you start picking up a lot of regrets.
It's REALLY HARD to make the changes you need to make, but trust me, you will one day wish you did. You really don't want to go there.
I hope you find a program that works for you, and that you find the courage (I know how hard it is), to walk into an AA meeting for the first time. Try a speaker meeting at first. To me, a speaker meeting is the easiest way to try out AA. Good luck. John
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 315
Welcome here.
This is where you start.
" I also have an extremely strong relationship with alcohol. "
Time to break up with this one, hes toxic.
read here, you will see you are not alone
Oh yea...living "in control" right now?? you are probably about to hit the red line
on that and crash....I was right there...basically still am if I pick up another drink....
You know that thats why youre here and we welcome you!!!
This is where you start.
" I also have an extremely strong relationship with alcohol. "
Time to break up with this one, hes toxic.
read here, you will see you are not alone
Oh yea...living "in control" right now?? you are probably about to hit the red line
on that and crash....I was right there...basically still am if I pick up another drink....
You know that thats why youre here and we welcome you!!!
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I checked myself into an IOP program and got started that way. It gave me some structure, and allowed me to open up to others in a group setting, and allowed me to grieve my mom's death. From there, I did about 15 meetings at AA, as well as continuing care meetings, and a few Women For Sobriety meetings. I read several recovery books and continue to read about addiction.
You can definitely reach out and get help before losing things like a job, family, home, and all that. Yes! Absolutely reach out and get some help at meetings if you you need that environment. It certainly steadied me early on.
I got sober with a similar background as you and still attended AA. You do not have to lose it all in order to benefit and get help there. There's a section in the personal stories section of the Big Book entitled: They Stopped in Time. Take a look at some of those stories.
Welcome to the forum
You can definitely reach out and get help before losing things like a job, family, home, and all that. Yes! Absolutely reach out and get some help at meetings if you you need that environment. It certainly steadied me early on.
I got sober with a similar background as you and still attended AA. You do not have to lose it all in order to benefit and get help there. There's a section in the personal stories section of the Big Book entitled: They Stopped in Time. Take a look at some of those stories.
Welcome to the forum
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 2
Thank you everyone.
SoberLeigh, I feel like I've lost my soul too. I'm only part of the person I want to be and I know the rest will be found with sobriety. I hope I can avoid adding yet to my statements.
Anna, I'm out a lot of evenings with volunteer projects but it doesn't matter because when I come home, I drink. If it means I only get 3 hours of sleep, then so be it. I'm single and live a roommate who is rarely around so it's easy for me to be in this routine. And your cats are beautiful... I volunteer with a cat-rescue group.
2muchpain, I'm right around the corner of the fork. I see it coming up and I'm scared to see which way I will turn. I know which way I need to but I'm scared.
living now, Thank you. It is a horribly toxic relationship but breaking up is hard to do sometimes.
SoberJennie, the program with my insurance was an IOP program but I just stopped going so I could drink. How did you keep yourself dedicated to it? I want to be accountable for my actions and want someone to make sure I do what I need to do because otherwise, I'm going to make excuses and go right back to where I am now.
SoberLeigh, I feel like I've lost my soul too. I'm only part of the person I want to be and I know the rest will be found with sobriety. I hope I can avoid adding yet to my statements.
Anna, I'm out a lot of evenings with volunteer projects but it doesn't matter because when I come home, I drink. If it means I only get 3 hours of sleep, then so be it. I'm single and live a roommate who is rarely around so it's easy for me to be in this routine. And your cats are beautiful... I volunteer with a cat-rescue group.
2muchpain, I'm right around the corner of the fork. I see it coming up and I'm scared to see which way I will turn. I know which way I need to but I'm scared.
living now, Thank you. It is a horribly toxic relationship but breaking up is hard to do sometimes.
SoberJennie, the program with my insurance was an IOP program but I just stopped going so I could drink. How did you keep yourself dedicated to it? I want to be accountable for my actions and want someone to make sure I do what I need to do because otherwise, I'm going to make excuses and go right back to where I am now.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 315
"living now, Thank you. It is a horribly toxic relationship but breaking up is hard to do sometimes."
Yes it is hard. always is to "break up"
Its also very doable!
I can attest to you - right now you domt even know the half of how BAD this alcohol relationship is....
You never do, when your "in it"
you can do this
Yes it is hard. always is to "break up"
Its also very doable!
I can attest to you - right now you domt even know the half of how BAD this alcohol relationship is....
You never do, when your "in it"
you can do this
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Welcome to the family. I'm glad you joined us. You start with today. Don't drink today. Worry about tomorrow when it gets here.
You'll need support to quit drinking. SR is good support, so is AA. Why not try some meetings in your area.
I'm glad you joined us. You start with today. Don't drink today. Worry about tomorrow when it gets here.You'll need support to quit drinking. SR is good support, so is AA. Why not try some meetings in your area.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by StrugglingGirl 
SoberJennie, the program with my insurance was an IOP program but I just stopped going so I could drink. How did you keep yourself dedicated to it? I want to be accountable for my actions and want someone to make sure I do what I need to do because otherwise, I'm going to make excuses and go right back to where I am now.
Thankful for this community
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ontario
Posts: 371
Welcome to SR. It's great you are recognizing the need for change. I think step one is detoxing and then putting a plan together. While the detox I found tough, things start to clear in a few days. We're here to support you through it. I wish I would have been like you and took charge of this decision at 29.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 41
Hey there, I'm a 30 year old married man but share a very similar background as to what you described. I was a "controlled" drinker too but one thing I learned and you will learn if you haven't already, is alcoholism IS a progressive disease. You can't do what you're doing now forever. Your addiction sounds like it's at a point where everything in your life is actually stable. You are lucky you're smart enough to realize you ARE indeed killing yourself. Most people only realize this when their life has crumbled around them. I hope you take the opportunity while you have a lot going for you to get help and become sober the way you want and need to be. I was in an IOP program this year with success then regretfully fell off the wagon... But, I'm back on now with great confidence for my future. If I can do it, you can do it!
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