D1978

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. He has been sober for 2.5 of those years. Since he got sober, he has had no sex drive and has trouble connecting with anyone and anything on a emotional level. Recently he decided he needed to end our relationship to figure out how to fix himself. He said he can't be good to me like this and I deserve better. I am heartbroken. I thought we were doing pretty good. I thought he was my future.

Has anyone been through this and had a happy ending? Is it possible that my broken ex can be fixed? I have tried to get him to go to the doctor and get his levels checked and see a shrink, but he has no insurance and a low paying job so he hasn't done it.

KCrazy

Well I can definitely relate to the "he needed to end our relationship to fix himself"... However my x wasn't/isnt sober... I'm so sorry you're going through this! But try to think about what he's going through! I can imagine 2.5 years of fighting for his life with sobriety... and still not "managing" could be really tough.

The 5 G's of Alanon could apply here:
1. Get off his back
2. Get out of his way
3. Give him to God
4. Get to a meeting (alanon)
5. Get on with your life

I know this is harsh... But there's really nothing else you can do for him, other than let him go. It sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders, after all, he's sober! That's a blessing! Maybe in time, he will figure things out, but until then, try your best to live your life.

Hammer

Yeah a lot of A's are a mess when they first dry out.

Emotional Instability and all.

Most folks suggest you wait a year to see what you have.

But if I follow correctly, you are a year-and-a-half past that?

So you may already see what you have. I am thinking he has.

---------------------------

As far as for the FOLKS WHO MAKE IT . . . .

Was curious about that myself. I took that so far that I started sort of "interviewing" them.

[aka . . . how a Research Engineer would do "recovery"]

Here is what I found:

The ONLY Folks that "make it" are where BOTH sides are FULLY working THEIR OWN Program(s) [e.g., AA and/or Alanon].

And it DOES NOT matter if only one side works theirs, no matter how well they may do so. In other words -- you cannot get better enough to fix him.



Sooooo. Best you can do is Save Yourself. And you will be doing good to do that.

Eauchiche

I feel for you. My mate isn't sober and isn't even trying. I just spent the weekend at his place, and he didn't say 20 words to me the entire time.
Good luck!

honeypig

Welcome to SR, D1978. I hope you find the help you're looking for here. A good place to start is by reading as much as you can on the forum, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. I feel pretty sure that some of the stories here will strike a chord w/you.

A couple of things stand out to me in your post. The first thing is the disconnect between the first bolded section about him having no sex drive, being unable to connect emotionally, and the second bolded section where you said you thought things were going well and he was your future. Take a moment to think about that. You're in a relationship w/a man who has no sex drive and is unable to connect emotionally w/anyone or anything. Do you think most people in that situation would say "I think we're doing pretty good. I think he's my future."? Probably not, right? But those of us who have grown up with alcoholism or other issues have a twisted view of the world and, to us, this kind of thing looks pretty normal.

One of the things you'll read here is that people are who they are. They are NOT their potential, whatever we might believe that to be. They are who they show up as. While you might believe your ABF has the potential to be a great guy, right now he's emotionally unavailable. Ask yourself why that's OK w/you. Again, I'd bet that something in your past has convinced you that this is good enough.

The next thing is your question regarding if he can be fixed. I'd say yes, definitely--but HE has to do the fixing. You can't encourage, love or pressure him into fixing himself. It's his decision, his work. While a doctor visit might fix his testosterone level, it won't do much for the emotional unavailability. The one person you CAN fix is you, and that fixing might start with finding answers to those questions above. Alanon can be a great resource. There are a lot of books recommended here on SR that can help, too.

A breakup is always painful, and even more so when it wasn't your decision, but you can use this pain. Take this opportunity to figure out what made you enter a relationship w/an active A in the first place and what made you stay there for 3 years (yes, he was sober but still not relationship material, right?). Learn and grow and get healthy and happy, and you'll have made big steps towards making sure you don't find yourself in this situation again a few years down the road.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

D1978

Thank you Honeypig. You are right about the disconnect between the statements. He is kind, caring and was there in body but I guess not spirit. He always said it would get better with time. I think he wants to be the man I know he can be. He just hasn't gotten there. And I need to accept that I can't do the work for him.

I should not be ok with having half a relationship. I guess I have my own issues with self esteem and not thinking I can do better. I really need to step back and work on myself.

gleefan

D1978 - welcome to sr. You'll find lots of love and support here.

Honeypig - wow. What wonderful insight. It helps me with the relationship issues I'm dealing with right now.

AnvilheadII

I think he wants to be the man I know he can be.

he is and will be the man HE chooses to be. him trying to be whoever it is you think he CAN be will not result in an authentic self.

it's not our job to think we know another better than they know themselves....or that we know who they CAN be if.....they would only do it OUR way.

I thought we were doing pretty good
except that at 2.5 years sober there is no interest in much of anything that would constitute an intimate relationship.

he has stuff to work out. and good for him to go and seek what those things are. he's been quite honorable and letting you know he is simply not able to be fully present TO YOU, rather than string you along for another 3 years.

redatlanta

Sex issues after sobriety are kinda common - you might do a search here it has been written about several times.

For some just takes couple of months to get out of the fog. For others it simply doesn't return. For mine it did not return. He does suffer low T which is a side effect of alcohol abuse and also aging (mine is in his 50's). he is treated for it and it does not make a difference. We do have sex and its great just not with the frequency that I was used to in a relationship.

I have done a lot of research on it and wish I could offer an exact reason but I cannot. The best I could come up with in my situation is my RAH has an anxiety issue which I feel he treated with alcohol. I do at times see glimpses of this prior to sex. Mine also used drugs his favorite mix being cocaine and alcohol which would fuel "all nighters" in the sack. His drug and alcohol use were very much a part of his sex life.

There are other issues with my RAH that do contribute - he is diabetic, and he is on chronic pain management; however, loss of sex drive happened immediately upon seeking recovery and it never came back - that was before the health issues.

We have sought out professional help with this and came up empty. Its a disconnect in the brain not a physical problem for him - he has no problems physically with sex he just has NO SEX DRIVE. That's a bigger problem than a physical one. A physical one can be remedied with viagra or the like - there is no medication to make one have a sex drive. We tried therapy and no go with that either. My RAH relapsed 2 years ago over 10 years sober. One of the pitches he tried with me to justify it was that he felt his sex drive would come back. NOPE. Didn't do one thing for it.

We have worked through this issue. He had a lot of guilt about it and initially. We are now 4 years in, I believe older than you are. I'm not implying that people of my age bracket aren't interested in sex trust I am - but I am not sure if this situation would be something I would have dealt with in my 20's or 30's. Would have been really hard if I wanted to get pregnant.

That you have gotten no participation from your BF in trying to solve the problem I see a red flag. Health Departments are available to those without insurance for medical problems. There are also many therapists who work on a sliding scale. if your BF has a low income job he might qualify for medicaid which would also offer relief.

I am glad he has been honest with you as well. I think you need to take that at face value who knows what he really intends to do about it. Maybe nothing. Maybe something. You do deserve someone who will actively pursue within the relationship to address issues that affect you both, and you don't have that here.

((((hugs)))) I know its tough.

katatat

D1978, my heart feels for you. I am also going through a rough time and a lot of what you said resonated with me. My ex was not able to stay sober for more than 3 months at a time, but we were together for 3 years. I saw a great potential in him and thought we would be together forever. I'm still struggling to separate myself. I want to call him and tell him that I love him, I support him, and I know he's capable. But it's not my place anymore. I feel like I'm as addicted to "helping" and "encouraging" him as he is to alcohol. And I have to be strong enough to break the cycle, even though it is a minute-by-minute battle.

scarlet71

I was going to post about the issues of intimacy and sexuality this morning but found this, so here goes. My partner and I are going through the same thing. When we first got together, we had a lot of sex and it was fun, romantic, all those things that make a satisfying and healthy sex life. After he started doing the 4th step, sex stopped, that was a year and a half ago. Now, we might have sex every few months and his sex drive has disappeared. We still hug, cuddle and kiss, a little but the sex has pretty much disappeared. Is this common in recovery? A friend of mine who was in CA, AA and worked with an addiction counselor, was told by his counselor that sex and intimacy are very important to recovery, that connecting with someone intimately helps to learn trust, love, and build on a relationship that may have suffered due to addiction issues. I have read all sorts of stuff that sex is too emotional and recovery can suffer, sex is important, and the Al-Anon 5 G's, like "get off his back" or "get out of his way." How do you get a relationship back on track? Sex is beautiful and loving, it isn't the most important part of a relationship but it sure is a wonderful way to connect. Anymore advice for those of us that are wondering if this is another part of recovery?

NYCDoglvr

Yes, I had a happy ending: the end of a bad relationship with someone who wasn't present and certainly didn't give me what I wanted and needed. Didn't feel good at the time, but it led to me doing the hard work of recovery so I wouldn't pick another alcoholic.

Hammer

I sort of get in trouble when I mention peeking into the Men Only or Women Only sections here on the SR Forum for more details on the Sex issues . . . . so I will not mention that . . .

But yeah, not uncommon.

maia1234

The whole thing is terrible for all us Codependents/enablers. Unfair, that our life's journey have been altered by our A's. Only option we have is to move forward and help ourselves. We cant keep trying to change the A's, as they are not changeable.

D1978, don't do what I did and wait/waste 34 years of your life, in love with someone who doesn't love themselves. Try everyday to think of yourself only and live your life. You can not fix or help them. They will get help when they want to, not any time sooner. Good luck to you.

D1978

Thanks for all the words of wisdom. I am starting to realize just how codependent I am I need to feel needed. It is hard for me not to check in on him daily. We saw each other almost every day for the last three years. I am trying to put a little distance between us, but it is hard. Who knows how things will end up, but I need to value myself enough not to settle.

D1978

Talked to him last night after telling myself I wouldn't. The conversation made me realize that as much as I love him, I am settling at this point. He isn't what I need in my life as a boyfriend. I don't know that he ever can be. So I am trying to make some changes. I made an appointment with my therapist. I haven't seen her in years, and decided it was a good time to revisit my self esteem issues as well as investigate my codependency ones. I also decided to attend church services next Sunday with a friend. I haven't been to any kind of church in a long time, and it am not sure if it's for me, but I am willing to try it out. It can only benefit me by widening my social circle a bit and maybe it will give me a new perspective on things.

I am very glad I happened upon this forum. There aren't many people in my life who understand what it feels like to love someone with this disease. I feel like talking about it here allows me to have my voice heard by people who understand and don't judge but speak from experience.

hopeful4

You may want to check and see if the church you are going to has a Celebrate Recovery meeting, or anyone in your area. It has helped me on my path greatly. They have a web site if you want to check it out.