How to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 462
How to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve?
Advice! I am a school social worker and am developing a new community holiday program for needy families. A colleague whom loves to push my buttons says." I won't be contributing bc the last time you has us help that black family they came back and asked for help for the following year! So who know what kind of families your going to be helping!" I said that's fine don't help! He said "I'm helping a family from my church" I said "oh so you go to church and live by god yet you pick and choose who your going to help! You give with strings attached! Well this continued for a bit and escalated till I was red in the face and walked away. I was so upset by the argument that I was in tears. I hate that allow someone so ignorant to get to me!
I am about his age , female and he always has something to say either sexually or digs at me. We get along most of the time and he us very tight with the administration. They view me as part of their team and seem to accept his insensitivity and rude remarks. I'm afraid if I report him to human resources he'll retaliate or I'll be shunned from the group. I wish I could stop engaging with and most of the time I do but a few times a year for the last 8 years I just lose it!!! Sorry this is so long!
I am about his age , female and he always has something to say either sexually or digs at me. We get along most of the time and he us very tight with the administration. They view me as part of their team and seem to accept his insensitivity and rude remarks. I'm afraid if I report him to human resources he'll retaliate or I'll be shunned from the group. I wish I could stop engaging with and most of the time I do but a few times a year for the last 8 years I just lose it!!! Sorry this is so long!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,450
If it helps you, I'm similar. I'm overly sensitive to criticism, whether warranted or unwarranted. He is an imperfect human like all of us. I'd expect someday his outward negativity will come home to roost. Wishing you kind thoughts and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Utah
Posts: 144
I've been in this exact same situation with a coworker before. It sucks.
First, it sounds like this dude enjoys getting under your skin. If you show how much he agitates you, he feels like he's winning. Don't let him have that.
But you feel the urge to call him out and take him to task sometimes. What then? I've had some success at just questioning the other person, cooly and as rationally as I can, like a scientist.
You started out well by asking him about the clear hypocrisy in him picking and choosing which families he'll support by his measure of how deserving he seems to deem them to be. But you lost control when you tried to argue with him. Sometimes, just asking the pointed question is enough on its own. Letting him give his ridiculous answer and leaving it to hang in the air sounds like it would have been more effective than challenging him on it, since he clearly likes to get a rise out of you.
As for the sexual harassment, maybe remind him of his humble church associations? If that doesn't work, you might have to directly tell him to stop. Then HR. Will it be easy? Nope. Will you suffer personal blowback? Absolutely. These types of situations suck monkey balls, and there are no easy ways to deal with it. I've been down this road and known many other women who have had to take similar action. In the middle of it all, you want to quit. You feel angry, scared you made the wrong decision, and many other emotions.
But in the end, you know and everyone else will know not to mess with this girl. That may be worth it.
First, it sounds like this dude enjoys getting under your skin. If you show how much he agitates you, he feels like he's winning. Don't let him have that.
But you feel the urge to call him out and take him to task sometimes. What then? I've had some success at just questioning the other person, cooly and as rationally as I can, like a scientist.
You started out well by asking him about the clear hypocrisy in him picking and choosing which families he'll support by his measure of how deserving he seems to deem them to be. But you lost control when you tried to argue with him. Sometimes, just asking the pointed question is enough on its own. Letting him give his ridiculous answer and leaving it to hang in the air sounds like it would have been more effective than challenging him on it, since he clearly likes to get a rise out of you.
As for the sexual harassment, maybe remind him of his humble church associations? If that doesn't work, you might have to directly tell him to stop. Then HR. Will it be easy? Nope. Will you suffer personal blowback? Absolutely. These types of situations suck monkey balls, and there are no easy ways to deal with it. I've been down this road and known many other women who have had to take similar action. In the middle of it all, you want to quit. You feel angry, scared you made the wrong decision, and many other emotions.
But in the end, you know and everyone else will know not to mess with this girl. That may be worth it.
Hopeful
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 140
H&N2,
People are like that are SO frustrating! They can completely judge others and, in the next breath, talk about how wonderful and holy they are. I have to try really hard to bite my tongue when I am around people like that. I think one of the things that almost bothered me more, though, is your comment about him saying sexual stuff to you. I, also, work in a school and we have to go through yearly training about sexual harassment. I know of at least 3 people who have lost their jobs because of it. You should be documenting times, dates, places and who might have been around when the remarks are made. That is just not acceptable. So sorry you have to be dealing with someone like that. Stay strong and be the better person (you already are!).
People are like that are SO frustrating! They can completely judge others and, in the next breath, talk about how wonderful and holy they are. I have to try really hard to bite my tongue when I am around people like that. I think one of the things that almost bothered me more, though, is your comment about him saying sexual stuff to you. I, also, work in a school and we have to go through yearly training about sexual harassment. I know of at least 3 people who have lost their jobs because of it. You should be documenting times, dates, places and who might have been around when the remarks are made. That is just not acceptable. So sorry you have to be dealing with someone like that. Stay strong and be the better person (you already are!).
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