Butterfly

I know recovery isn't a straight line and it's a road with many bumps and turns but come on can it not go in a straight line for a while. Just to let me build my strength and resilience to help me deal with the bumps and bends!!!!

I decided this weekend to stuff the housework, except for a quick tidy and some washing for school and work and have a weekend doing what I wanted. I woke up yesterday morning feeling pretty good, I was getting my nails done and meeting a friend for a late lunch, she wanted to have a few drinks as well, this was making me uneasy so. I told her I would just drive if that was ok. She sent back not ok why, so I said I was skint and the taxi home would cost a fortune. She seemed to be ok and we arranged then to go for cake and coffee. I immediately felt I had let her down and told her I would see if my dd would collect me. She said no she would rather have cake. Immediately I felt I had let her down and thoughts of she's only my friend because she feels sorry for me as my life has been in a crisis for the last few years, of course these thoughts rolled into more paranoid thoughts, she only wanted to meet me if she could drink because I am boring, that's why ah left because I'm boring and he'd rather drink and have fun, now I know we were still meeting but I became so paranoid and upset. Anyway went got my nails done and felt better had a lovely afternoon window shopping cake and hot chocolate and came home but felt uneasy last night. What I have discovered if I have a drink is that I become really upset when I'm then on my own and only think about ah and why he has done this, I know there is no answer but if I have had a drink this is all I can think about and the next day I feel so sad. Yet I don't know why I don't say this to my friends, maybe I am scared they won't want to be with me if I'm not having a drink, maybe I am boring!!

I woke up today feeling really low and tearful about ah with thoughts of what does it say about me that he would rather drink than give it up and be with me. This has stuck in my head all day and just makes me feel so bad about myself, all my insecurities about myself have resurfaced! I know what the trigger was for feeling low when I woke up and I have removed the trigger as I know it would be too tempting to check and that would just create more anxiety and paranoid thinking!!

I hate it that I have a few ok days then I hit rock bottom again, no energy, no motivation nothing I just want to stay in bed, but I don't I know I have to get up.

I don't seem to be able to build my strength up to deal with the low times and they just knock me for six.

Butterfly

I think another reason I am feeling so sad is that after telling ah during the week that I was done waiting for him I decided to needed to take off my wedding rings, which in all honesty I didn't want to and feel strange without them but I thought if I'm still wearing them then I'm still hoping he will wise up, sort himself out and come home. I thought if I took them off it might help to move forward, does that make any sense?

martina12

Well done you for taking off your wedding rings that is a really big step and a sign that you are trying to move forward and recover.

It took me a huge amount of courage to take off my wedding rings so I know what a massive step that is..but it is in the right direction. Its a giant step in the grief journey towards maybe glimpsing acceptance which is what we are struggling to get to.

Hoping that your day gets better Butterfly...I have just been for a very long walk along the seafront to try and clear my head. Think its par for the course to have bumpy times and we just have to try and work out what we can do to make ourselves feel a tiny bit better?

Hammer

Just my observation -- you may be trying to "force" things.

From what I have seen of this recovery stuff. It picks the time -- not so much picked or forced by us.

I know that does not match many, and not saying it is so.

Just my observation.

KCrazy

"I woke up today feeling really low and tearful about ah with thoughts of what does it say about me that he would rather drink than give it up and be with me." - Butterfly

This is HARD, but I think we just have to "accept" that this says NOTHING about us and EVERYTHING about them... And it just sucks

As for taking off your rings, good for you, I can imagine the pain that goes along with that... I never got married to my xabf of 8 years, but it's always been my dream, and still is... Today, I'm scared of everything! I'm scared to hope and I'm scared not to hope... Both bring such pain and heartache

Wishing you courage and strength

chicory

Hi Butterfly.

A few thoughts came to my mind, as I read your posts.. so bear with me and take or leave them, as you wish

It sounds (from a fellow anxiety codie) that you tried to exert some control on your ah, hoping maybe he would come to his senses and come crawling back, when he hears you have taken off your rings? I have done those things as well...try to make them see what they are losing, etc. The only thing that does is appear desperate, make you feel more insecure, and that brings more anxiety for you, maybe?

You are doing well to find things with which to fill your time, spending it with friends, and getting nails done. Right now perhaps you feel so raw and insecure. Do not take his inability to have a relationship as a statement of your value as a person. Who you are has nothing to do with his addiction/alcoholism.

I would suggest you keep finding things to do, that you love. Rediscover who you are, what you love , and don't worry about your friend not liking you just because you don't want to ride with someone who may drink one too many(or more). you are just taking care of you.

It can intensify your anxiety when you begin to do things for your own well-being.. it does mine. but you will get stronger, as you address your codependency. If you like to read, Melody Beatties "Codependent No More", is truly as good as you hear it is, from so many on this site. It will help you to strengthen your self esteem, help you to understand why you do the things that only weaken you, when you think its what you feel driven to do. I can be feeling very down, weak, sad, and weepy, and pick that book up and get what I need to get back on the right road.

Have a good cry if you need one, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and love yourself back to health.(to use an old cliche)

you are not alone. there's a whole bunch of us, in all different stages of recovery. walking that road with you.

ShootingStar1

You might look into whether your reaction to having a drink/being around people who drink is PTSD from your life with your AH. Being in that situation could be triggering emotional responses related to what you have been living with once there is alcohol around you. It would be worth it, if you don't have a good therapist, to find one who works with depression and PTSD.

And, if you have one very good friend, maybe you can talk about this with them. This might be a good time to go to Alanon if you haven't, or if you go, find someone who you like and talk with them. They'll understand.

Take care, and you will get through this. Gradually the balance of good days and tough days will start to shift - it is a cycle of emotions that we go through, and on the other end is much more health and happiness, so have faith.

ShootingStar1

Butterfly

Thank you everyone. Removing my wedding rings was very hard and quite possibly the trigger for my low mood.

Chicory, thank you but I haven't told him I've removed my rings, I did that for me not to try to control him, but to help me move and stop clinging to my marriage. I did tell him a few days ago that I was done waiting about for him as he'd made no effort since he left to seek sobriety just fills my head with I think about it, I'm preparing blah blah then it's I might try but I might not, I reached a point a few days ago where I just had had enough.

SparkleKitty

It doesn't say anything about you, my friend. It says HE is sick, and his sickness exists with or without you, as has been proven over and over again.

Instead, question why you are holding so tightly onto the idea that it IS about you, that you MUST take it personally and reinforce all these negative illusions about yourself. Especially in light of the fact that since he has been out of your house, you have made incredible strides of independence that are moving you towards a bright future. You can choose to let go of the idea that you are not good enough for him. You can choose to believe that the only person you have to be good enough for is you.

Butterfly

Sparklekitty these feelings of not being good enough have been with me for years and I am continually trying to change my negative thinking, it's hard work especially when I'm not very good at challenging as I've nothing positive to say against not feeling good enough but I won't give up!! I suppose for me it's easier to accept that it is somehow my fault that's easier to understand and accept.

SparkleKitty

I understand. My line of thinking was always, "if it was my fault, then I have the power to fix it." If only I was good enough!

Accepting that I was powerless over anything but my own actions was very freeing. When I stopped trying to change others I could start working towards building that positive relationship with myself that I had always been missing. I could see that I would never believe I was good enough for anyone else until I believed I was good enough for me. Believe it or not you are on your way already, my friend. You have come a LOT further than you can probably see right now!

Butterfly

Thank you sparklekitty yes if it's my fault then I can fix it, suppose il didn't look at it as I'm not good enough for him to chose sobriety, it is my fault it was just a sense I had throughout my life of never being enough for people but yes I blamed myself if I was good enough people would love me and want to be with me. I know this maybe doesn't make sense it doesn't to me, it's all very confusing if I'm Honest and I am still trying to make sense of everything.
I wish I could see that I was on my way to self acceptance, but I suppose it's the same as when your in the middle of a crisis you can't see a way out through the fog you just keep walking!

hopeful4

I can only say I would much rather sit and have coffee and honestly visit with a friend than drinking. Much more productive and meaningful conversation. I don't think you give yourself enough credit to be comfortable in your own skin.

Much love coming your way, hugs my friend!

Butterfly

So he has just texted me and informed me that he has just booked a holiday next week with his scumbag friends. I knew he was thinking about it but he lept saying he doubted it would happen. More proof that he has no intention of giving up drinking!! The news that he is actually going has really upset me and I can't stop crying. How can he go away and have a fun holiday, not that it would be my type of holiday getting drunk all day everyday!

hopeful4

Butterfly...stop taking his bait. He is not even stringing you along, you are stringing yourself along. You know he is not going to stop drinking.

Stop talking about what he is doing or not doing and move forward in your own life. What are YOU going to do over the weekend. How can YOU do something nice that makes YOU feel good. See the trend here, make this about YOU. That is the only way you will ever heal from this.

SparkleKitty

Butterfly, he has never SHOWN you any indication that he intends to stop drinking. This is why it is advised to pay attention to ACTIONS, not WORDS. If you insist on believing that he is someone other than exactly who has repeatedly shown himself to be, then you will continually be disappointed.

I want better for you than that. You deserve better than that. Acceptance is a gift that only you can give yourself.

Butterfly

Thank you I know your right. I haven't replied to him and I'm not going to what is there to say. I really don't want anything to do with him anymore the less I know about what he is doing the better it is for me and my sanity!!

AnvilheadII

he has shown that he prefers the life of a BACHELOR over anything else. he wants to be "young, free and single" as the ole disco song goes. to do what he wants, when he wants, with whomever he wants. and so he does and off he goes.

butterfly, this is about way more than just drinking.

and you are right, the less you know the better.

Butterfly

What do you mean it's about way more than just drinking? What else is it about??

NYCDoglvr

I'm saying this as a recovering alcoholic (23 years): for active alcoholics booze is their higher power, God, great love of their life and best friend. It's a mental illness. It's not about you, it's simply the way alcoholics are. Some get sober, but it doesn't stick if they get sober for another person. It has to be a deep willingness in themselves, most common when they hit bottom.