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I hope this isn't offside for this forum...

Old 09-28-2014, 04:43 AM
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I hope this isn't offside for this forum...

I will apologize in advance if some folks don't find this appropriate for discussion in this forum, but I am sincerely interested in peoples' experiences early in recovery. Here goes:
I'm 23 days in, feeling pretty good, eating well and even exercising regularly. My energy levels are mostly up despite some crashes of exhaustion now and again.
What I have noticed that has changed is my sex drive, which seems to be down quite a bit. Perhaps it's because I almost solely have recovery on my mind? Perhaps because of the chemical changes in my body?
I did not expect this and wonder if others have experienced similar drop offs. More importantly...does it recover??? :-)
I'm not panicking too much about it, but it has changed and while we haven't spoken about it yet, I get the feeling my gf is wondering about things too.
Thanks in advance for sharing on a topic that may not be easy to discuss.

And again, I'm not intending to be inappropriate in any way. It has been a legitimate concern of mine over the past week.

Happy Sober Sunday all!
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Old 09-28-2014, 04:55 AM
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razor, I can assure you that you are not alone, I experienced the same thing,
it took a couple months for me, I went through a period of zero desire, it came back, and my attitude changed as well, have a talk with your partner
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Old 09-28-2014, 04:56 AM
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I don't think it's off.... in fact, I think this is a topic that is seen as too taboo in recovery, leaving a lot of people to question and fear and struggle in silence.

There are a number of books out there dealing with this topic. For many of us, sex - like everything else in life - was wrapped around our use of alcohol and drugs. Even the times we weren't intoxicated while actually having sex, we were still in a place where our addictions were being regularly fueled and we were not living our full set of senses or facing life sober.

When we finally choose to do that, there are all sorts of subtle and interrelated things that start to happen. It impacts our self-confidence, our awareness, our emotions, our chemical balances, our hormones.... everything. We need to 're-learn Life'. And while we're re-learning, life keeps on happening.

Sex when we are young is pretty much a phsyical reaction driven by hormones on overdrive. But as we mature, sex is a thing that is a complex inter-relation between the physical, emotional, mental and even spiritual.

In recovery, I have experienced all sorts of ups and downs in my own sexual experiences. I have a lovely lady and a strong relationship - so sometimes it can be frustrating and confusing when my own body isn't meeting my own expectations. I have reminded myself that I'm going through a huge adjustment, while at the same time juggling the stuff of everyday life as a parent, at work, housework, the bills, etc, etc.....

The best advice I can give you is simply be patient, be kind to yourself, communicate with your partner, and know that there's nothing "wrong" with you. You're passing through a stage that is unfamiliar and a time of metamorphosis as a whole person. That will impact your sexuality in ways you may not expect, but in time... things will balance out, and likely be deeper, richer, better than ever.
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Old 09-28-2014, 05:00 AM
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I certainly don't think this is off-topic or taboo. Sexuality is just as important as all the other things we discuss (physical health, mental well-being, etc.)

I don't have much to offer though. I have involuntarily birth control through two little people who crawl into our bed at any hour. Looking forward to when they get a bit older. :-)
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Old 09-28-2014, 05:03 AM
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i didnt have a partner when i got sober so sex was not a problem in that way, the only problem i had was finding someone to have sex with lol

but to be honest i remember my first lady i had the pleasure of being able to entertain and it didnt go down to well

i ended up feeling totally embarrassed by it all but then i was well into my 40s and it was my first time since my ex wife and we had been together for 24 years so it was strange indeed

as we get older problems do come our way when it comes to preforming in that department that we dare not mention : ) so i will not mention it

go and see a dr if you have concerns as there are things that can be taken like Viagra for example
but see a dr and see what he or she thinks, on second thoughts better make it a male dr lol or i know i would : )

good luck to you and i hope things come up trumps if you pardon the pun
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Old 09-28-2014, 05:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Change4good View Post
I certainly don't think this is off-topic or taboo. Sexuality is just as important as all the other things we discuss (physical health, mental well-being, etc.)

I don't have much to offer though. I have involuntarily birth control through two little people who crawl into our bed at any hour. Looking forward to when they get a bit older. :-)
Lol! Hang in there...I remember those days. Things get better, but you need a plan! Lol
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Old 09-28-2014, 05:44 AM
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Originally Posted by desypete View Post
i didnt have a partner when i got sober so sex was not a problem in that way, the only problem i had was finding someone to have sex with lol

but to be honest i remember my first lady i had the pleasure of being able to entertain and it didnt go down to well

i ended up feeling totally embarrassed by it all but then i was well into my 40s and it was my first time since my ex wife and we had been together for 24 years so it was strange indeed

as we get older problems do come our way when it comes to preforming in that department that we dare not mention : ) so i will not mention it

go and see a dr if you have concerns as there are things that can be taken like Viagra for example
but see a dr and see what he or she thinks, on second thoughts better make it a male dr lol or i know i would : )

good luck to you and i hope things come up trumps if you pardon the pun
I'm going to try not to sound defensive or self-conscious here, but my concern isnt actually about performance during sex, it's about the idea of actually desiring it. In fact, the actual itself has been better in many ways since I've been sober, I just seem to be WAY less interested.
Or perhaps I should say when I was drinking I ALWAYS wanted to have sex.
It's just a change in me that I could tell was probably concerning my gf more than me. We'll definitely talk today though.
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Old 09-28-2014, 06:07 AM
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Thanks so much for bringing this up. My husband tours w/a band for a living & has been gone for the entire time of my new-found sobriety (45 days now - it's a tough life at times). On the one hand I think it's been helpful to do this entirely on my own, but on the other I'm anxious for when he returns to see how our sex life changes. I know it will.

For me, it's the thought of sober intimacy & closeness that's a little intimidating. Alcohol always helped me throw my inhibitions out the window. Unfortunately it also made me embarrassingly pass out at in opportune times as well. My attitude toward sex is definitely changing. When I think about it now it's more about being close to my husband...intimate & sweet. Not like 2 animals going at it or me trying to act like someone I'm not because my judgement is cloudy.

Thanks for starting this thread. I'm interested to hear what others say/think and to read more responses from women.
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Old 09-28-2014, 06:40 AM
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Loss of sex drive is very common in the first year of sobriety. It can take a while for your body to return to homeostasis.

As a male who had a high sex drive, even while intoxicated, I had basically no desire for the 6-8 months of sobriety. I was single my first year of sobriety (at the suggestion of my sponsor), but there was no urge for even self-pleasure.

But it did return to normal. If you don't start feeling more like yourself after about 6 months, you can always talk to your doctor.

I wouldn't worry about it. Concentrate on your recovery. If your girlfriend brings it up, it's ok to be honest about what you're feeling, or rather, not feeling. Make it clear it has nothing to do with her. Things will get better if you stay sober. And sex is far more enjoyable in sobriety. It's worth the wait for your body to heal up.
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Old 09-28-2014, 06:43 AM
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What's a sex life?
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Old 09-28-2014, 06:55 AM
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I did experience the same earlier but at 110+ days have noticed the pendulum swings so-to-speak. No doubt it's physical. Alcohol can take awhile to purge from the body completely and I'm not there yet.
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Old 09-28-2014, 08:46 AM
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Female here. I'm hyper sexual when drinking; the two activities are very intertwined for me. I am in early sobriety & made a decision to be single so I can focus on recovery (something I didn't do last time, which I think impacted my relapse).

Suffice to say that a lack of desire is not visible in relationship, but I have noticed that this time I'm not spending lots of time engaged in sexual fantasy or self-pleasuring either, which is highly out of character for me.

Bur then, I remember that I'm not altogether sure as to what my "character" actually is anymore.

I've thought that maybe all that sexual "energy," whether directed at myself or others was just one more way of not feeling & being present. Running energy. Energy mid-used (lots of my sexuality was not an expression of love, but was something else).

I'm just going to be patient & curious & see in what form it re-emerges naturally.

Regarding your relationship with your gf - I can only speak for myself, but as a woman I highly value physical intimacy as much as raw sexuality. I would be perfectly content if my recovering partner continued to cuddle me, make out with me, give me great massages, grab my arse as he passed in the kitchen, and touch me lovingly at every opportunity. The fear when a partner becomes less interested in sexuality is that somehow I am not as lovely & attractive. Just make sure that you're also giving her lots of positive verbal feedback on her beauty, as well. And in particular the curve and angle of this and that. If she feels body beautiful and you're filling her affection tank, I'm sure that your love will feel well-loved, and will wait beside you for your sexual engine to reboot.

Plus with all that making out and massage, your own body may unexpectedly surprise you with desire...
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Old 09-28-2014, 08:49 AM
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Energy mis-used, not mid-used, although in some ways the latter is also true - energy over amped in the mid-portion of the body.

IPhone spellcheck gone rogue...
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Old 09-28-2014, 08:54 AM
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Originally Posted by heartcore View Post
.

Regarding your relationship with your gf - I can only speak for myself, but as a woman I highly value physical intimacy as much as raw sexuality. I would be perfectly content if my recovering partner continued to cuddle me, make out with me, give me great massages, grab my arse as he passed in the kitchen, and touch me lovingly at every opportunity. The fear when a partner becomes less interested in sexuality is that somehow I am not as lovely & attractive. Just make sure that you're also giving her lots of positive verbal feedback on her beauty, as well. And in particular the curve and angle of this and that. If she feels body beautiful and you're filling her affection tank, I'm sure that your love will feel well-loved, and will wait beside you for your sexual engine to reboot.

Plus with all that making out and massage, your own body may unexpectedly surprise you with desire...
Female here as well--I agree with this a lot.

You need to give yourself time to get your footing in the intimacy without booze arena. But, I van see where your lady friend may feel left out or possibly even rejected. Maybe by employing some of these methods suggested by Heartcore, you can help her to feel more accepted and loved, while approaching sexual contact slowly. And, like she said, you never know how you may react when the pressure is off
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Old 09-28-2014, 09:23 AM
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Thanks heartcore and briseis. That is sound advice and I will take it to heart. Heartcore, I also relate to the intertwining of drinking and sex, and maybe I will also rediscover a new relationship there. I am lucky as my partner is very supportive, loving, and sexy! :-)
What a strange new world this sobriety thing seems to be presenting.
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