CoDA instead of Al Anon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
CoDA instead of Al Anon
I went to CoDA tonight instead of Al Anon. Yep. That's where I need to be. It really is a shame that there are only 2 meetings around here and I cannot attend both every week because of my work schedule. I work evenings and never have the same day off every week.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Every little bit helps. Glad you found a good fit. I tend to beat the Alanon drum, because it worked so well for me, but it's not for everyone. Plus there's no CoDA meeting where I am, I checked.
Hopefully this will start to turn things around for you; I know you've been having a tough time since your AH came home from rehab. Hugs.
Hopefully this will start to turn things around for you; I know you've been having a tough time since your AH came home from rehab. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
Glad you found a "fit." I know you've been struggling a lot lately. Sometimes finding the right tools makes all the difference in the world. Coming from the other side of the fence I have come to realize that I can go to all of the recovery meetings in the world and if I don't zero in on the things that I was trying to numb then those meetings will only help so much. For me thankfully I've found a therapist who is an angel.
Peace and good luck to you!
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Peace and good luck to you!
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Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Whatever works, my friend. I did SR, Al-Anon, and individual therapy. That's what worked for me -- but I was also limited because of where I lived.
I'm so glad you found a meeting where you felt at home. That's where it's at.
I'm so glad you found a meeting where you felt at home. That's where it's at.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
I went to coda for a while back in the late 80s early 90s. I have no idea what coda has morphed into since then, and even less of an idea of what it's like anywhere other than NY, but my experience with it wasn't all that great. I actually thought it was a bit dangerous, so I'm gonna throw my experience and opinion out.
First, the meetings I was going to passed a sheet of paper around the room that everyone read from. It was a HUGE list of characteristics of codas and each person read 3. They were in the form of what I know to be affirmations, ie: "I accept sex in place of love". I at the time identified with about half of the characteristics, and refused to read or affirm the ones that didn't apply to me. Reading those characteristics as they did didn't seem to me like a healthy thing to do.
Second, was that after attending for a while I started to notice that most people in the meetings were new (the program was actually new), and they had no recovery in them other than the ability to stay away from their qualifier. When I listened closely, I started to get the idea that I was hanging out with a bunch of sick people that were all just patting each other on the back, justifying things that didn't sound healthy at all to me. I didn't want to learn how to NOT be in a relationship. I wanted to learn how to be in a healthy one, and it seemed kudos went the most to people who had learned to best cut people out of their lives. I understand how important that is for some, and I'm not saying it should never be done, but it wasn't the healing I was looking for.
Finally, and what was the deal breaker for me was that I tried to get involved at a business meeting. There was no mention of the steps at the meeting I was going to, and no real plan at all for any kind of recovery. My suggestion to incorporate the steps into the meeting was voted down. Ignored would be more accurate. What the meeting was, and remained seemed to me like a big group therapy session, only without any therapist or healthy person to move things along.
I'd speak of what I know about alanon, but I know there are rules here about comparing programs... tough not to do with a thread titled like this though.
I'm not posting to trash coda. I'm posting in hopes of hearing that my experience was a unique one, and that they do now have something more to offer. If not, then I think one should enter with a very open and discerning mind. Are the people there getting better? Are they learning to have healthy relationships? Or are they just patting each other on the back and supporting behaviors that in the long run might make things even worse? I honestly don't know.
First, the meetings I was going to passed a sheet of paper around the room that everyone read from. It was a HUGE list of characteristics of codas and each person read 3. They were in the form of what I know to be affirmations, ie: "I accept sex in place of love". I at the time identified with about half of the characteristics, and refused to read or affirm the ones that didn't apply to me. Reading those characteristics as they did didn't seem to me like a healthy thing to do.
Second, was that after attending for a while I started to notice that most people in the meetings were new (the program was actually new), and they had no recovery in them other than the ability to stay away from their qualifier. When I listened closely, I started to get the idea that I was hanging out with a bunch of sick people that were all just patting each other on the back, justifying things that didn't sound healthy at all to me. I didn't want to learn how to NOT be in a relationship. I wanted to learn how to be in a healthy one, and it seemed kudos went the most to people who had learned to best cut people out of their lives. I understand how important that is for some, and I'm not saying it should never be done, but it wasn't the healing I was looking for.
Finally, and what was the deal breaker for me was that I tried to get involved at a business meeting. There was no mention of the steps at the meeting I was going to, and no real plan at all for any kind of recovery. My suggestion to incorporate the steps into the meeting was voted down. Ignored would be more accurate. What the meeting was, and remained seemed to me like a big group therapy session, only without any therapist or healthy person to move things along.
I'd speak of what I know about alanon, but I know there are rules here about comparing programs... tough not to do with a thread titled like this though.
I'm not posting to trash coda. I'm posting in hopes of hearing that my experience was a unique one, and that they do now have something more to offer. If not, then I think one should enter with a very open and discerning mind. Are the people there getting better? Are they learning to have healthy relationships? Or are they just patting each other on the back and supporting behaviors that in the long run might make things even worse? I honestly don't know.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
SUPER!
For folks tracking along . . . although the Choir here tends to sing Alanon, Alanon, Alanon . . . . a LOT of good help is out there. Some folks here LOVE CR (Celebrate Recovery) as well.
THE ONLY FOLKS THESE PROGRAMS CANNOT HELP . . .
Are the People Who Do Not Go.
Don't be that one.
For folks tracking along . . . although the Choir here tends to sing Alanon, Alanon, Alanon . . . . a LOT of good help is out there. Some folks here LOVE CR (Celebrate Recovery) as well.
THE ONLY FOLKS THESE PROGRAMS CANNOT HELP . . .
Are the People Who Do Not Go.
Don't be that one.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Recently I've been listening to ACOA speaker tapes.. a significantly different perspective on The Problem than alanon and I found it an interesting contrast. A lot of the recovery work involves "inner child" stuff which sounds ridiculous until the long buried past starts coming out then its for-realsies. Respect.
I was an alanon "1st-nighter" so thats where I go. If you find any meeting that works then thats the right place to be.
I was an alanon "1st-nighter" so thats where I go. If you find any meeting that works then thats the right place to be.
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