Broken
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Chicago, Il
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Broken
I'm writing to this post because like all or most of you I feel broken by my alcoholic boyfriend or ex- boyfriend as our relationship has hit the end. My heart breaks for the finality of the relationship but my head screams "what a blessing." In the end, I feel like I had my self worth robbed of me by his lies, cheating ways, selfish and unkind acts! I do realize how sick he is and I actually forgive him but the HURT remains. ( My ex is only 42 and has elevated liver enzymes and a fib because of his drinking. ). I'm not looking for a magic cure to get me through the sorrow and hurt, but some helpful thoughts and encouragement! Thanks much!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Slothy 
I'm writing to this post because like all or most of you I feel broken by my alcoholic boyfriend or ex- boyfriend as our relationship has hit the end. My heart breaks for the finality of the relationship but my head screams "what a blessing." In the end, I feel like I had my self worth robbed of me by his lies, cheating ways, selfish and unkind acts! I do realize how sick he is and I actually forgive him but the HURT remains. ( My ex is only 42 and has elevated liver enzymes and a fib because of his drinking. ). I'm not looking for a magic cure to get me through the sorrow and hurt, but some helpful thoughts and encouragement! Thanks much!
Recommended best known path.
You know the ONLY people that it cannot help, right?
The folks that do not go.
So. Welcome Home and see you there?
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Chicago, Il
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Sure I have heard about alanon, but never considered it as an option. I know for many, there are years and years of living with the plague of alcoholism but for me it was only a 1 and 1/2 relationship. I guess the toll it took is the same and maybe I should reach out and try it! Thanks for the note!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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I am also broken and coming to terms with my ex's addiction. My head is trying very hard to convince my heart it was the right thing; but my heart feels like it's beat up and on life support. It can't do much of anything right now.
An analogy I've made is that my ex was "married" to alcohol. Even though he loved me more and saw a future with me, I was the other woman. He kept telling me he would leave her and that we would be happy together, but he always went back to his "wife."
My post is entitled "My best friend/boyfriend chose alcohol over me" (because I'm new to the message board, I cannot post links). The responses I've gotten have been heartbreaking (as if it could break more), but helpful.
An analogy I've made is that my ex was "married" to alcohol. Even though he loved me more and saw a future with me, I was the other woman. He kept telling me he would leave her and that we would be happy together, but he always went back to his "wife."
My post is entitled "My best friend/boyfriend chose alcohol over me" (because I'm new to the message board, I cannot post links). The responses I've gotten have been heartbreaking (as if it could break more), but helpful.
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Hi Slothy......I am glad that you posted here. I am also glad that you got out sooner, rather than later!
Yes, alanon would be very supportive for you, right now. The people there wil be understanding and not judgemental.
I suggest that you begin reading "Co-dependent N o More". It is practically classic reading, around here.
Also, peruse the "stickies"---the articles at the top of this main page.
The reason that I say this is because we often carry our same baggage (we all have baggage) into future relationships. We humans tend to behave in patterns. Getting to know and understand yourself and what makes you "tick" is the inoculation against making the same mistakes, again, down the line.
Yes, you are going through the natural grieving process....which will end in due time.
I urge you to take advantage of this pivotal time in your l ife to gain all the self-awareness and knowledge that you can get under your belt. It could change your whole future.....for the better......
dandylion
Yes, alanon would be very supportive for you, right now. The people there wil be understanding and not judgemental.
I suggest that you begin reading "Co-dependent N o More". It is practically classic reading, around here.
Also, peruse the "stickies"---the articles at the top of this main page.
The reason that I say this is because we often carry our same baggage (we all have baggage) into future relationships. We humans tend to behave in patterns. Getting to know and understand yourself and what makes you "tick" is the inoculation against making the same mistakes, again, down the line.
Yes, you are going through the natural grieving process....which will end in due time.
I urge you to take advantage of this pivotal time in your l ife to gain all the self-awareness and knowledge that you can get under your belt. It could change your whole future.....for the better......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by Slothy
I'm writing to this post because like all or most of you I feel broken by my alcoholic boyfriend or ex- boyfriend as our relationship has hit the end. My heart breaks for the finality of the relationship but my head screams "what a blessing." In the end, I feel like I had my self worth robbed of me by his lies, cheating ways, selfish and unkind acts! I do realize how sick he is and I actually forgive him but the HURT remains. ( My ex is only 42 and has elevated liver enzymes and a fib because of his drinking. ). I'm not looking for a magic cure to get me through the sorrow and hurt, but some helpful thoughts and encouragement! Thanks much!
Sorry you are feeling so low, it is very normal and human - and you WILL feel better! You really will. Listen to what your head says. It IS a blessing your relationship with this lying, cheating, selfish and unkind man is done. You deserve better and you will get it.
Having said that - it is okay to feel sad and hurt. Let yourself feel it and know it will pass. A therapist told me that years ago when my heart had been broken into a million pieces by an ex. I think the ex was an A. I was never entirely sure about that, but I sure knew that lying came as natural to him as breathing. In any case, he left me for a younger woman.
My therapist was so very right. Healing didn't happen fast but it happened. For the past 15 years I'm with a wonderful man I trust completely. I thank my lucky stars every day that I'm not with the lying ex. You will too.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Slothy
Sure I have heard about alanon, but never considered it as an option. I know for many, there are years and years of living with the plague of alcoholism but for me it was only a 1 and 1/2 relationship. I guess the toll it took is the same and maybe I should reach out and try it! Thanks for the note!
There are some whole other "recovery" models, that are pretty much -- If They Drink, We Are Done! One like that which comes to mind is called "Rational Recovery," as I understand it.
Folks that track along that seem In and Out pretty quick. At least on the Not-The-A (friends and family) side of the equation.
Just for experience, I do not think Alanon would be any harm, and you may learn some stuff about you (that is what Alanon works on -- you/us -- not the A), that will help you either in such a situation, or how to stay out of such a situation in the future.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Slothy--welcome to SR. Hope you can spend some time just reading here and in the stickies. It helps a lot to educate yourself about alcoholism and alcoholics.
The advice you got about checking out Alanon is good, and I hope you follow up on it. There is no measure of "bad enough" or "long enough" that you need in order to attend and benefit. Alanon is for anyone whose life has been affected by someone else's drinking, and I'd say you fit the bill.
As others have said, the character traits that led us to get into and stay involved in one alcoholic relationship don't go away simply b/c the relationship ended. Those traits are still there, still active, and still able to hook you into another similar unhealthy situation. Some of us here have a history of many similar relationships over many years, which we were doomed to keep repeating b/c we never healed ourselves of our own issues.
Don't let that be you. Use the pain of this past relationship as a springboard to look into the things that led you into a relationship w/an active A. You might be surprised at all the different ways this can affect your life.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
The advice you got about checking out Alanon is good, and I hope you follow up on it. There is no measure of "bad enough" or "long enough" that you need in order to attend and benefit. Alanon is for anyone whose life has been affected by someone else's drinking, and I'd say you fit the bill.
As others have said, the character traits that led us to get into and stay involved in one alcoholic relationship don't go away simply b/c the relationship ended. Those traits are still there, still active, and still able to hook you into another similar unhealthy situation. Some of us here have a history of many similar relationships over many years, which we were doomed to keep repeating b/c we never healed ourselves of our own issues.
Don't let that be you. Use the pain of this past relationship as a springboard to look into the things that led you into a relationship w/an active A. You might be surprised at all the different ways this can affect your life.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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