Positive Communication - PIUS
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Positive Communication - PIUS
The last couple days Ive faced a communication issue. Something I felt I needed to discuss with my husband, but I had been questioning if I should mostly because I have been questioning where does it fall. Is it something of “joint ownership” , or is it “all his” and I would be invading his privacy. I have since decided to discuss the issue with him, and I was reminded of Positive Communication.
At Smart this is abbreviated and called: PIUS
Be POSITIVE
Include positive comments, remember what I appreciate, become conscious of positive behaviors and express these, reinforce my positive feelings in the matter
Use “I” Statements
Helps to communicate my needs, wishes without blaming or criticizing the other person. This helps avoid defensiveness.
Be UNDERSTANDING
Show my husband that I love him, care about him, and respect him enough to want to hear his point of view. Reflect back on what he says, ask questions, find common ground
Accept and SHARE responsibility
Neither one of us is perfect, understand my part.
“The way you talk to your loved one not only reflects how you feel about him, but also sets the tone for his reaction to you” From the GYLOS book.
Woot Woot!! So far so good !!
This led to me investigate other methods of communication, because as some of you know I like to dig into things !! This I share from Serenity Therapy:
1. PASSIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals have developed a pattern of avoiding expressing their opinions or feelings, protecting their rights, and identifying and meeting their needs. Passive communication is usually born of low self-esteem. These individuals believe: “I’m not worth taking care of.”
As a result, passive individuals do not respond overtly to hurtful or anger-inducing situations. Instead, they allow grievances and annoyances to mount, usually unaware of the build up. But once they have reached their high tolerance threshold for unacceptable behavior, they are prone to explosive outbursts, which are usually out of proportion to the triggering incident. After the outburst, however, they feel shame, guilt, and confusion, so they return to being passive.
Passive communicators will often:
- fail to assert for themselves
- allow others to deliberately or inadvertently infringe on their rights
- fail to express their feelings, needs, or opinions
- tend to speak softly or apologetically
- exhibit poor eye contact and slumped body posture
The impact of a pattern of passive communication is that these individuals:
- often feel anxious because life seems out of their control
- often feel depressed because they feel stuck and hopeless
- often feel resentful (but are unaware of it) because their needs are not being met
- often feel confused because they ignore their own feelings
- are unable to mature because real issues are never addressed
A passive communicator will say, believe, or behave like:
- “I’m unable to stand up for my rights.”
- “I don’t know what my rights are.”
- “I get stepped on by everyone."
- “I’m weak and unable to take care of myself.”
- “People never consider my feelings.”
Dont much care for this !!
2. AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals express their feelings and opinions and advocate for their needs in a way that violates the rights of others. Thus, aggressive communicators are verbally and/or physically abusive. Aggressive communication is born of low self-esteem (often caused by past physical and/or emotional abuse), unhealed emotional wounds, and feelings of powerlessness.
Aggressive communicators will often:
- try to dominate others
- use humiliation to control others
- criticize, blame, or attack others
- be very impulsive
- have low frustration tolerance
- speak in a loud, demanding, and overbearing voice
- act threateningly and rudely
- not listen well
- interrupt frequently
- use “you” statements
- have piercing eye contact and an overbearing posture
The impact of a pattern of aggressive communication is that these individuals:
- become alienated from others
- alienate others
- generate fear and hatred in others
- always blame others instead of owning their issues, and thus are unable to mature
The aggressive communicator will say, believe, or behave like:
- “I’m superior and right and you’re inferior and wrong.”
- “I’m loud, bossy and pushy.”
- “I can dominate and intimidate you.”
- “I can violate your rights.”
- “I’ll get my way no matter what.”
- “You’re not worth anything.”
- “It’s all your fault.”
- “I react instantly.”
- “I’m entitled.”
- “You owe me.”
- “I own you.”
This would make me mean !!
3. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals appear passive on the surface but are really acting out anger in a subtle, indirect, or behind-the-scenes way. Prisoners of War (POWs) often act in passive-aggressive ways to deal with an overwhelming lack of power. POWs may try to secretly sabotage the prison, make fun of the enemy, or quietly disrupt the system while smiling and appearing cooperative.
People who develop a pattern of passive-aggressive communication usually feel powerless, stuck, and resentful – in other words, they feel incapable of dealing directly with the object of their resentments. Instead, they express their anger by subtly undermining the object (real or imagined) of their resentments. They smile at you while setting booby traps all around you.
Passive-Aggressive communicators will often:
- mutter to themselves rather than confront the person or issue
- have difficulty acknowledging their anger
- use facial expressions that don't match how they feel - i.e., smiling when angry
- use sarcasm
- deny there is a problem
- appear cooperative while purposely doing things to annoy and disrupt
- use subtle sabotage to get even
The impact of a pattern of passive-aggressive communication is that these individuals:
- become alienated from those around them
- remain stuck in a position of powerlessness (like POWs)
- discharge resentment while real issues are never addressed so they can't mature
The passive-aggressive communicator will say, believe, or behave like:
- “I’m weak and resentful, so I sabotage, frustrate, and disrupt.”
- “I’m powerless to deal with you head on so I must use guerilla warfare.”
- “I will appear cooperative but I’m not.”
Dont like this one too much
4. ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals clearly state their opinions and feelings, and firmly advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others. Assertive communication is born of high self-esteem. These individuals value themselves, their time, and their emotional, spiritual, and physical needs and are strong advocates for themselves while being very respectful of the rights of others.
Assertive communicators will:
- state needs and wants clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
- express feelings clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
- use “I” statements
- communicate respect for others
- listen well without interrupting
- feel in control of self
- have good eye contact
- speak in a calm and clear tone of voice
- have a relaxed body posture
- feel connected to others
- feel competent and in control
- not allow others to abuse or manipulate them
- stand up for their rights
The impact of a pattern of assertive communication is that these individuals:
- feel connected to others
- feel in control of their lives
- are able to mature because they address issues and problems as they arise
- create a respectful environment for others to grow and mature
The assertive communicator will say, believe, or behave in a way that says:
- “We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another.”
- “I am confident about who I am.”
- “I realize I have choices in my life and I consider my options.”
- “I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point.”
- “I can’t control others but I can control myself.”
- “I place a high priority on having my rights respected.”
- “I am responsible for getting my needs met in a respectful manner.”
- “I respect the rights of others.”
- “Nobody owes me anything unless they’ve agreed to give it to me.”
- “I’m 100% responsible for my own happiness.”
Assertiveness allows us to take care of ourselves, and is fundamental for good mental health and healthy relationships.
This one sounds best, but is it kind too?
And last, me still digging I found another article on Positive communication within relationships written by Bill Mansell:
Positive relationships can mean the difference between success or failure in our business, family and personal life. And, communication is the key to these relationships. The more effectively we communicate with others, the more satisfying and successful our relationships will be. Here are 10 steps that can help you right now:
Communicate Often –
People often want to wait to talk about things. Some want to wait until things are perfect, until they are “totally in love” before they want to really communicate from the heart. Others try to ignore issues by putting off important communication until things are hopelessly beyond repair. Remember the old saying, “if you wait until all the lights are on green before you head for town, you will never get there.” Communication, after all, is just talking about what is going on. Do it early and often.
Listen –
Your communication will be much more effective if you understand the other person’s point of view. Restate their position so that they know that you understand. Then, perhaps they will listen to you as well.
Translate –
We all come from different backgrounds, families, and traditions. A word or phrase can have totally different connotations to different people. Expectations vary based on our experience. Your job is to translate what you are saying so that it can be easily understood by the other person. Make sure your expectations are clear to avoid misunderstandings.
Focus On Common Goals –
Whether in business or family life, common goals and objectives cement relationships. Maintaining this focus on common goals, beliefs, and values, helps bring people together as team members working for a common cause.
Praise and Compliment –
We all have things we do right and we all make mistakes. Try to emphasize the positive in your communication with others. Look for things that the other person does right. Negative or corrective messages, although sometimes necessary, are much easier to accept (and learn from) when peppered with healthy doses of honest praise and sincere appreciation.
Stick to the Issue –
When disagreements happen, stick to the issue at hand. Never make it personal or bring up past grievances to make your point. If things get heated, agree to cool off and think things over for a few minutes and then come back together for more communication.
Be Respectful and Kind –
Respect each other’s views and opinions. Make kindness the hallmark of your communication. One of the worst mistakes people make is to justify cutting remarks saying, “I’m just being honest.” Wrong! You are being unkind. Using tact and good judgment, you can be both honest and kind in your communication. Respect also means you never say anything about someone else when they are not there, that you would not be comfortable saying in their presence.
Forgive One Another –
We have become a society that looks for reasons to be offended. We sue companies because the coffee was “too hot” or a careless word was “racially bigoted” or an employee ignored our needs. The media is full of people who choose to be offended by the slightest misspoken word or mistake. This culture of offense has invaded our personal and business communications as well. We all make mistakes and we need to forgive each other if we have any hope of communicating positively.
Remember – Why did you choose this friend or hire this person or get married or connect with this person in the first place? Remember the reasons and feelings that brought you together. Remember the good things he or she has done. So many people choose to throw away a great relationship because they focus on a few minor inconveniences and forget the big picture, only to realize too late that they have lost everything.
Communicate About Communication –
Talk about ways to improve your mutual communication skills. Schedule times to talk about important or difficult issues. Review these steps together and create an atmosphere of positive, effective communication.
I like these, I like to be positive !!
All of these things helped me with my decision, and I think remembering points about positive communication will make the discussion Im going to have with my husband go much smoother.
At Smart this is abbreviated and called: PIUS
Be POSITIVE
Include positive comments, remember what I appreciate, become conscious of positive behaviors and express these, reinforce my positive feelings in the matter
Use “I” Statements
Helps to communicate my needs, wishes without blaming or criticizing the other person. This helps avoid defensiveness.
Be UNDERSTANDING
Show my husband that I love him, care about him, and respect him enough to want to hear his point of view. Reflect back on what he says, ask questions, find common ground
Accept and SHARE responsibility
Neither one of us is perfect, understand my part.
“The way you talk to your loved one not only reflects how you feel about him, but also sets the tone for his reaction to you” From the GYLOS book.
Woot Woot!! So far so good !!
This led to me investigate other methods of communication, because as some of you know I like to dig into things !! This I share from Serenity Therapy:
1. PASSIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals have developed a pattern of avoiding expressing their opinions or feelings, protecting their rights, and identifying and meeting their needs. Passive communication is usually born of low self-esteem. These individuals believe: “I’m not worth taking care of.”
As a result, passive individuals do not respond overtly to hurtful or anger-inducing situations. Instead, they allow grievances and annoyances to mount, usually unaware of the build up. But once they have reached their high tolerance threshold for unacceptable behavior, they are prone to explosive outbursts, which are usually out of proportion to the triggering incident. After the outburst, however, they feel shame, guilt, and confusion, so they return to being passive.
Passive communicators will often:
- fail to assert for themselves
- allow others to deliberately or inadvertently infringe on their rights
- fail to express their feelings, needs, or opinions
- tend to speak softly or apologetically
- exhibit poor eye contact and slumped body posture
The impact of a pattern of passive communication is that these individuals:
- often feel anxious because life seems out of their control
- often feel depressed because they feel stuck and hopeless
- often feel resentful (but are unaware of it) because their needs are not being met
- often feel confused because they ignore their own feelings
- are unable to mature because real issues are never addressed
A passive communicator will say, believe, or behave like:
- “I’m unable to stand up for my rights.”
- “I don’t know what my rights are.”
- “I get stepped on by everyone."
- “I’m weak and unable to take care of myself.”
- “People never consider my feelings.”
Dont much care for this !!2. AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals express their feelings and opinions and advocate for their needs in a way that violates the rights of others. Thus, aggressive communicators are verbally and/or physically abusive. Aggressive communication is born of low self-esteem (often caused by past physical and/or emotional abuse), unhealed emotional wounds, and feelings of powerlessness.
Aggressive communicators will often:
- try to dominate others
- use humiliation to control others
- criticize, blame, or attack others
- be very impulsive
- have low frustration tolerance
- speak in a loud, demanding, and overbearing voice
- act threateningly and rudely
- not listen well
- interrupt frequently
- use “you” statements
- have piercing eye contact and an overbearing posture
The impact of a pattern of aggressive communication is that these individuals:
- become alienated from others
- alienate others
- generate fear and hatred in others
- always blame others instead of owning their issues, and thus are unable to mature
The aggressive communicator will say, believe, or behave like:
- “I’m superior and right and you’re inferior and wrong.”
- “I’m loud, bossy and pushy.”
- “I can dominate and intimidate you.”
- “I can violate your rights.”
- “I’ll get my way no matter what.”
- “You’re not worth anything.”
- “It’s all your fault.”
- “I react instantly.”
- “I’m entitled.”
- “You owe me.”
- “I own you.”
This would make me mean !! 3. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals appear passive on the surface but are really acting out anger in a subtle, indirect, or behind-the-scenes way. Prisoners of War (POWs) often act in passive-aggressive ways to deal with an overwhelming lack of power. POWs may try to secretly sabotage the prison, make fun of the enemy, or quietly disrupt the system while smiling and appearing cooperative.
People who develop a pattern of passive-aggressive communication usually feel powerless, stuck, and resentful – in other words, they feel incapable of dealing directly with the object of their resentments. Instead, they express their anger by subtly undermining the object (real or imagined) of their resentments. They smile at you while setting booby traps all around you.
Passive-Aggressive communicators will often:
- mutter to themselves rather than confront the person or issue
- have difficulty acknowledging their anger
- use facial expressions that don't match how they feel - i.e., smiling when angry
- use sarcasm
- deny there is a problem
- appear cooperative while purposely doing things to annoy and disrupt
- use subtle sabotage to get even
The impact of a pattern of passive-aggressive communication is that these individuals:
- become alienated from those around them
- remain stuck in a position of powerlessness (like POWs)
- discharge resentment while real issues are never addressed so they can't mature
The passive-aggressive communicator will say, believe, or behave like:
- “I’m weak and resentful, so I sabotage, frustrate, and disrupt.”
- “I’m powerless to deal with you head on so I must use guerilla warfare.”
- “I will appear cooperative but I’m not.”
Dont like this one too much 4. ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION is a style in which individuals clearly state their opinions and feelings, and firmly advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others. Assertive communication is born of high self-esteem. These individuals value themselves, their time, and their emotional, spiritual, and physical needs and are strong advocates for themselves while being very respectful of the rights of others.
Assertive communicators will:
- state needs and wants clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
- express feelings clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
- use “I” statements
- communicate respect for others
- listen well without interrupting
- feel in control of self
- have good eye contact
- speak in a calm and clear tone of voice
- have a relaxed body posture
- feel connected to others
- feel competent and in control
- not allow others to abuse or manipulate them
- stand up for their rights
The impact of a pattern of assertive communication is that these individuals:
- feel connected to others
- feel in control of their lives
- are able to mature because they address issues and problems as they arise
- create a respectful environment for others to grow and mature
The assertive communicator will say, believe, or behave in a way that says:
- “We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another.”
- “I am confident about who I am.”
- “I realize I have choices in my life and I consider my options.”
- “I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point.”
- “I can’t control others but I can control myself.”
- “I place a high priority on having my rights respected.”
- “I am responsible for getting my needs met in a respectful manner.”
- “I respect the rights of others.”
- “Nobody owes me anything unless they’ve agreed to give it to me.”
- “I’m 100% responsible for my own happiness.”
Assertiveness allows us to take care of ourselves, and is fundamental for good mental health and healthy relationships.
This one sounds best, but is it kind too? And last, me still digging I found another article on Positive communication within relationships written by Bill Mansell:
Positive relationships can mean the difference between success or failure in our business, family and personal life. And, communication is the key to these relationships. The more effectively we communicate with others, the more satisfying and successful our relationships will be. Here are 10 steps that can help you right now:
Communicate Often –
People often want to wait to talk about things. Some want to wait until things are perfect, until they are “totally in love” before they want to really communicate from the heart. Others try to ignore issues by putting off important communication until things are hopelessly beyond repair. Remember the old saying, “if you wait until all the lights are on green before you head for town, you will never get there.” Communication, after all, is just talking about what is going on. Do it early and often.
Listen –
Your communication will be much more effective if you understand the other person’s point of view. Restate their position so that they know that you understand. Then, perhaps they will listen to you as well.
Translate –
We all come from different backgrounds, families, and traditions. A word or phrase can have totally different connotations to different people. Expectations vary based on our experience. Your job is to translate what you are saying so that it can be easily understood by the other person. Make sure your expectations are clear to avoid misunderstandings.
Focus On Common Goals –
Whether in business or family life, common goals and objectives cement relationships. Maintaining this focus on common goals, beliefs, and values, helps bring people together as team members working for a common cause.
Praise and Compliment –
We all have things we do right and we all make mistakes. Try to emphasize the positive in your communication with others. Look for things that the other person does right. Negative or corrective messages, although sometimes necessary, are much easier to accept (and learn from) when peppered with healthy doses of honest praise and sincere appreciation.
Stick to the Issue –
When disagreements happen, stick to the issue at hand. Never make it personal or bring up past grievances to make your point. If things get heated, agree to cool off and think things over for a few minutes and then come back together for more communication.
Be Respectful and Kind –
Respect each other’s views and opinions. Make kindness the hallmark of your communication. One of the worst mistakes people make is to justify cutting remarks saying, “I’m just being honest.” Wrong! You are being unkind. Using tact and good judgment, you can be both honest and kind in your communication. Respect also means you never say anything about someone else when they are not there, that you would not be comfortable saying in their presence.
Forgive One Another –
We have become a society that looks for reasons to be offended. We sue companies because the coffee was “too hot” or a careless word was “racially bigoted” or an employee ignored our needs. The media is full of people who choose to be offended by the slightest misspoken word or mistake. This culture of offense has invaded our personal and business communications as well. We all make mistakes and we need to forgive each other if we have any hope of communicating positively.
Remember – Why did you choose this friend or hire this person or get married or connect with this person in the first place? Remember the reasons and feelings that brought you together. Remember the good things he or she has done. So many people choose to throw away a great relationship because they focus on a few minor inconveniences and forget the big picture, only to realize too late that they have lost everything.
Communicate About Communication –
Talk about ways to improve your mutual communication skills. Schedule times to talk about important or difficult issues. Review these steps together and create an atmosphere of positive, effective communication.
I like these, I like to be positive !! All of these things helped me with my decision, and I think remembering points about positive communication will make the discussion Im going to have with my husband go much smoother.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Thank U !! It did.
I dont want to give details exactly, will say he did not relapse or anything like this but it had to do with a "friend". I spent time reviewing the whole situation in my mind before i talked to him, at least what I had learned from an outside source by accident. I found many positive and realized fear was lurking in me once again. I own this and its my responsibility to deal with it. His actions were actually very representative of the man I married, and are something I respect and would actually expect nothing less of him. He doesnt abandon the people in his inner circle when they are in need, but it was handled in an amazing and creative way. I brought these positives up right away, this took all the potential defensiveness away, and we talked very openly, and he shared a lot of his own feelings.
But it could have been total opposite if ((I)) had not been in control of my own fears, and not receptive to hearing his side of things. I put tools Ive been learning into practice, and it feels good.
I dont want to give details exactly, will say he did not relapse or anything like this but it had to do with a "friend". I spent time reviewing the whole situation in my mind before i talked to him, at least what I had learned from an outside source by accident. I found many positive and realized fear was lurking in me once again. I own this and its my responsibility to deal with it. His actions were actually very representative of the man I married, and are something I respect and would actually expect nothing less of him. He doesnt abandon the people in his inner circle when they are in need, but it was handled in an amazing and creative way. I brought these positives up right away, this took all the potential defensiveness away, and we talked very openly, and he shared a lot of his own feelings.
But it could have been total opposite if ((I)) had not been in control of my own fears, and not receptive to hearing his side of things. I put tools Ive been learning into practice, and it feels good.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Thanks, Blue. Your recap of PIUS is particularly relevant for me. A couple of weeks ago there was something sensitive I wanted to discuss with my husband, and I was wracking my brain to remember what the "S" stood for. Luckily just applying the PIU parts were enough to break down any defensiveness and get us to a comfortable place where we could discuss it. I can't even remember what the issue was now, but at the time I remember thinking hey, that really worked.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Thanks. Its helped me a lot. Dont worry I kept forgetting what the abbreviation stood for too. It takes practice too. Initially I started focusing on this when my husband had PAWS symptoms, lots of anxiety and stuff. It helped me say things clearly. Its fun too practice, and I use it with work a lot too.
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