Kind of a Success Story from Someone Who Got Left

Old 09-27-2014, 02:39 PM
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Kind of a Success Story from Someone Who Got Left

I originally started writing this thread as a response to a post by someone whose A chose alcohol over her. Many people responded with the similar stories and feelings. My response got longer and longer, so I just thought I'd share my message of hope with everyone who chooses to click on it.

Hello to all of you broken hearted people. Guess what. It happened to me too. My X and I, I believe, could have had a great relationship. He too was my best friend. Was. He "made me" feel better about myself than anyone else in my life ever had. By the time he was finished with me, he had "made me" feel worse about myself than I ever imagined I could feel ever again (abusive childhood here). We have a child together too.

Early on, I told him I felt like alcohol was The Other Woman. Now, looking back, I know that alcohol was his true love since he was 17 and I was The Other Woman, distracting him from his primary relationship that whole time. He manipulated the situation to make it seem like he only drank because "relationships are oppressive," but when I look at actions, not words, I see that he, in essence left so he could drink. Actually, he was willing to blame the drinking on anything but the dreadful fact that he has a real disease that he would be better off getting treated.

Here's the silver lining: I found my resources. Recovery is extremely hard as a single mom with sole custody, especially when you can only afford legal advice from an attorney and have to do the brunt of the work on your own. It has been 14 months since the breakup, but only about 8 months since I moved out of the family home and he moved back in. Not a day goes by that I don't miss the good version of him. Sometimes I get hopeful that we could be together again, especially now that he just finished IOP and he still has 6 months of Relapse Prevention ahead, then some other treatment stuff. On the other hand, he has some serious sh1t to sort out, he's (to the best of my knowledge)slept with a bunch of women, and he was abusive. How could I love myself and make myself vulnerable to that sh1t ever again? Really. How could I make myself that vulnerable while loving myself? Especially when odds are that I could find someone who really loves me and isn't already married to Lady Liquor?

My whole point though is that It gets easier. I truly mean that. After the break up, I wanted to die, everything reminded me of him. I felt like my whole body was a burning knot all the time, I felt worthless and ugly. I had a hard time enjoying my son because the sadness was so overwhelming (and he reminded me of his dad and how I wanted a partner to parent with.

It got better though. Here are some things I did to eventually feel better.

I was already in therapy and kept going.
I saw my doctor and we decided that antidepressants are right for me, at this time.
Very limited contact with X (We can't go all the way NC because we share or son).
Limited contact with his family and friends.
More contact with My family and friends (You find who you can really count on to meet you where you're .at).
I made new friends -positive people who want to learn and grow and be responsible and loving.
Al Anon
SR

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
Domestic violence support program and group
Relocating and removing as many reminders of X as I could (difficult to do when you have a child together.
Prayer
Work with sponsor
Affirmations
.
My secret Facebook mom group where we all try not to judge, but talk about or joys and frustrations as moms
Single parent Meetup group (Have to be careful not to fall into "meat market" habits with that).

This is is just my list, but maybe there is something on it that could help others.

The pain does lessen. Baby steps, work, and time. I do not feel totally good yet, but I feel SO MUCH BETTER. People told me at the being, "He did you a favor," and "You don't want your son growing up with that." At first I knew it in my head, but more and more, I am feeling it with my heart. I don't have someone hurting my feelings every day, and my son doesn't see or hear his day telling at Mommy and blaming her for his miserable home life. My son is a happy-go-lucky 2 yo who feels secure, loves himself, is grateful (as grateful as a 2 yo can be), and we are attached in a healthy way. He expresses his feelings as well as a 2 yo can (better actually). He makes me laugh and swell with pride every day. That is one of my foci now.

The other focus is me. I'm just starting to pat myself on the back for making the best of the sh1t sandwich I've been handed. I've pulled things together as best as I could while trying to heal myself. Some days I felt so very stuck. Sometimes I panicked. Sometimes I literally thought the pain would kill me or that II would hurt acutely for the rest of my life. I self medicated with alcohol for about 9 of the last 14 months, but I'm done with that and have 27 sober days today [How lucky am I that I can just decide to quit and stay committed to that?]. I'm feeling more positive,energetic, and cared for now. Sometimes I think I might even be beautiful. Raising this kiddo on my own is no small undertaking and I'm kicking a$$ at it. I went through the court process of protecting my son from X's irresponsibility, mostly pro se. I've learned how to set boundaries and stick to them. I have had to "sit on my hands" a lot to keep my side of the street clean and not say our do anything I'd regret. I've had slips and I've learned to be compassionate with myself when I have them. There have been people who weren't exactly compassionate when I slipped. I can't count on it from anyone but myself , though its nice when I do get it from others.

I'm not all the way better yet [I'm sure no one ever really is], but I know I can get even better because I've already come so far. The good days outnumber the bad now. my son because the sadness was so overwhelming.

Peeps, if I can do it, you can too.
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Old 09-27-2014, 03:09 PM
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Sorry for the weird repeats. I contacted administrator re: further editing.
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Old 09-27-2014, 03:14 PM
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Thank you so much. I am working hard to get where you are.
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Old 09-27-2014, 03:15 PM
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LightInside, thanks for sharing your progress and struggles. Stories like yours are so great to hear. Clearly you're human, with faults and shortcomings as well as strong points and virtues. You've stumbled, but you've done the most important thing of all--you got back up and tried again.

I appreciate hearing stuff like this--sometimes I get caught up in thinking that recovery is a straight-line process, and that something must be wrong if I seem to be having a setback or am "stuck" someplace. Your story reminds me to be gentle, to take my time and to let recovery unfold rather than trying to force it.

Thanks especially for the list of specific actions and resources that have helped you.

Wishing you continued strength and clarity, LightInside!
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Old 09-27-2014, 03:26 PM
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A little scary on the you "sinking into drinking" part -- but if that is not you -- it is not you.

This part.

Originally Posted by LightInside View Post
Especially when odds are that I could find someone who really loves me and isn't already married to Lady Liquor?
My observation is to KEEP IN MIND -- MOST People out in the real world are NOT A(s).

And now that you know what NOT to do . . . no reason you would do that again.

Just because life handed us one Lemon does not mean we are pre-destined to run a Lemonade Stand.
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Old 09-27-2014, 04:02 PM
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Just starting down that road. Thank goodness there are no kids and no divorce, since I surprisingly had the sense not to marry him. Today I have kept busy mowing grass and trying to stay busy. The pain and memories are there though. I wish at times like this I could remember the bad instead of the good.
So happy that you have made it through.
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Old 09-27-2014, 10:48 PM
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Yes, Hammer, my drinking was scary for a little bit, but it's my truth. And I am all about The Truth. I started to wonder if I'm an A. I steered (mostly) clear of it until I was 24 and then became very immersed in a drinking musical subculture. My thing with alcohol is that I'm pretty all or nothing about it. I'm either drinking frequently or I'm not-drinking. I had no problem giving it up while pregnant, didn't want a drop of it for the first 3 months after the breakup. My issue is that I don't drink just one drink. I see no point if I'm not going to get drunk. Another issue is, if it's in sight, I want it. And another issue: if I say yes tonight, then why not tomorrow night and the next? If I drink because it's Saturday night, why not because it's Monday and Mondays suck? Sounds quite Alcoholic-y, huh?

The difference, I think, is that I miss it for three days or so, then I kinda stop caring. I see it and think, "Ooh, that craft beer looks interesting! But I'm not drinking now."

I've used alcohol as breakup medication before and then slowed it down. The thing is, I get very self destructive when I get rejected, in more ways than drinking. I've never fully healed from all the rejections before. That points to my biggest and most real disease. I am a relationship/love addict. It is the sickest part of me. My drinking feels different from that addiction. I don't need to work a program to stay away from the drink, but I don't think I'll ever have Serenity in terms of my LA without a program.

I haven't completely ruled out the possibility that I'm an A. If I decide that I can't stay away, then I know where to f@&king go! Right now I'm shooting for 6 months, then a reevaluation. If you're worried about me, please pray for me. I honestly don't know and I hope I'll have the grace and humility to admit if I truly have a problem.
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Old 09-28-2014, 03:28 AM
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LightInside -

I can't even express in words how much hope your thread has given me. I am sitting here at 5:21 in the AM, wondering for the quintillionth time why my abusive XAH gets to have someone special in his life while I struggle thru every day, just trying to keep an even keel and make connections out there in the world.

I am in Codependents Anonymous (almost 4 months now) and am laboring through the 4th Step with some fellow codies. I am exercising regularly. I keep contact with the XAH to a bare minimum even though we have 2 kids together (11 and 14). Last night I got the pleasure of dropping by his place so he could give me daughter a corsage for her very first homecoming. Of course, the GF had to be there. I didn't even engage in THAT dynamic. I just told my DD I had to run to the gas station and would be back in 5 minutes and left. Thinking of them, both pleasantly just sitting there together, watching TV and holding each other, both enraged me and saddened me.

But your post reminded me that despite all that, things for me are better. I'm better. Not where I want to be, but better. I am going to meetings. I am keeping my head up. Next month, the kids and I are going on a long weekend downstate for a craft fair and some country relaxation. I am repairing the relationship with myself and those with my family that I abandoned to cater to the needs of an abusive, controlling alcoholic. I am reading in your post some of the things that I am doing and realize that....HEY.....I am actually making progress. Slow, but progress. And I can be proud of that even if no one else is. Someday, WAY in the future, maybe I can find my special someone. But first....

I HAVE TO LOVE MYSELF.

So thanks. I wasn't counting my blessings this morning and now I am.
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Old 09-28-2014, 06:41 AM
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Originally Posted by LightInside View Post
If you're worried about me, please pray for me.
naw. No Worries, here.

But prayers are always a good thing.

-----------------

Dear God,

Please guide LightInside (and all of us) on Your Will and Your Way. And grant us the Courage, Strength and Wisdom to follow.


Amen.

-----------------

Can always sing along on the Happy Song . . .

Bobby McFerrin - Don't Worry Be Happy - YouTube

I am.
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Old 09-28-2014, 08:02 AM
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sooo. The 10 Year Old Cub Scout walks by when "Don't Worry, Be Happy" was playing and announced -- "They are not just happy! They are on Marijuana -- Look At Them!"

With that in mind . . . .

So here is a Good Kid Drug and Nature Education Video.

Spiders On Drugs - YouTube

The spider on alcohol seemed to fit around here on SR.
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Old 09-28-2014, 11:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
So here is a Good Kid Drug and Nature Education Video.

Spiders On Drugs - YouTube

The spider on alcohol seemed to fit around here on SR.
ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
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Old 09-28-2014, 04:55 PM
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We are all gonna get through it! Setbacks and heartache are just part of healing! Lots of loves and hugs!
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Old 09-28-2014, 09:10 PM
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Hammer! Hahaha!
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Old 09-28-2014, 10:19 PM
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LOL Hammer.........the crack spider "popped a cap in his a$$" ROTFLMAO
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Old 09-29-2014, 04:58 AM
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Thank you, Lightinside for the hope (I am personally not sure I am strong enough yet to deal/see xrabf and his new gf) And Hammer thanks for the laughter...the coffee effect is me...and I was a little envious of the alcoholic spider until the restraining order...
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