katatat

I'm heartbroken. But I know in my brain that I made the right choice. My heart is still in denial.

About every 30 minutes I have to tell myself, "You LITERALLY did everything to make it work. You went above and beyond, and he still couldn't meet you. This was the only right choice."

After 13 years of friendship and over 3 years of the most fulfilling romance of my life, I broke up with my boyfriend/best friend. He identified as an alcoholic, but could not bring himself to get help. He would start attending meetings, then stop. I would express my concern, he would get mad, apologize and say he understood my concern, then relapse only days later. This was the pattern.

He sustained a traumatic brain injury after suffering a seizure from alcohol withdrawal in 2012. While he was in a coma, I was at his bedside. I was there when he woke up and held him in my arms while he cried. Any time he drank after that, we were back in the ER for another seizure. The doctors told him he shouldn't drink, but especially not on the medication. That still didn't stop him.

He lost jobs. He endangered his health. He would quit for 3 months, and I would be so proud and praise him for his accomplishments. Then, he would relapse, lie about it, tell me that it was too difficult to change. But he wasn't even utilizing the resources around him!

His personality is so addictive. He comes from parents with addictive personalities (an abusive, alcoholic mother and an apathetic father). He grew up with a mother who would drunkenly tell him she should have aborted him because he ruined her life.

I adore him. And he loves me so much. He's my best friend. He was the only person I've felt really comfortably vulnerable with. We had so much history. Any time I would say the slightest negative comment about myself, he would stop me and say, "You're so beautiful. You're the greatest thing to ever happen to me. You're a wonderful person." And I know he really felt that way. He was being genuine.

I moved 90 miles away to go to grad school. I was so afraid to leave my home area because I had never moved that far from our home. All of my friends and my immediate family were there. He assured me that I was the strongest person he knew, and I could do this, and he would visit and we'd be fine.

3 days after I moved, I came back into town for the 4th of July. While at a party, right before we were supposed to leave, he took a shot. We went outside and screamed (which was so embarrassing). We decided to take some time apart because he was too reliant on me (he knew I would never leave, which was true) and I had become so codependent.

I went back to the place where I had moved and we talked occasionally. When I would come into town, we would get dinner. We rekindled the romance and he came to visit. I was so proud to show him how far I had come. And I was so proud of him. He was taking great care of himself, had a job he was committed to, and said he would never compromise our relationship again.

We decided not to tell anyone for the time being. I think part of me was scared if he relapsed again, I'd have to answer to the questions. Things were going well and he was planning to come visit again. I expressed to him my concern about his stopping meetings again; I knew the pattern and I told him that I couldn't handle another relapse if he wasn't utilizing the supports around him. He said he understood, but that he was doing great and had things in perspective.

He went to a wedding with a friend and relapsed. He drunkenly called me multiple times that night. I said, "it's okay. Just be honest with me. Did did you drink?" I knew the answer, but he lied. "No, I'm just so tired."

I confronted him the next morning over the phone. I asked him why it was so easy for him to lie to me. I asked him if he'd do the work (go to meetings, seek help). He said he wanted to say yes, but really didn't know and he didn't want to keep lying to me. I responded, "I don't want to leave!" and he said, "but you have to." I told him I didn't think we should talk anymore.

Aside from the alcohol, our relationship was beautiful. We were so compatible and everyone was hoping for it to work out. We had plans for a future.

But what I've come to realize is that he was married to alcohol the entire time. I was just the woman on the side. He kept telling me that he would leave her, that we could be together, and we would have a wonderful future ahead of us full of shared goals and accomplishments. But he couldn't leave her. He's committed.

I ended things a week ago. We haven't talked. I am in so much pain and all I want is to talk to my best friend.

Again, even though my brain knows I've done the right thing, my heart is trying to rationalize and bargain: "Everything else was so wonderful. Why did you give that up? People spend lifetimes trying to find the connection the two of you had!"

I hope he gets the help he needs. I hope this was the "rock bottom" that I endlessly protected him from hitting. But even if he did get help, I don't know that I'd ever be able to trust him again. My heart is so broken because I am still so in love.

I've been waking up at 4am having panic attacks. I can't focus on my schoolwork which is so important right now. I've looked up Al-Anon meetings and start therapy with my university counseling services on Tuesday. I have surrounded myself with friends who are extremely supportive. No one is telling me what to do or how I should feel.

But I still feel so empty.

katatat

I apologize for this being so long.

KCrazy

It's SO sad and I'm SO sorry... I feel your pain... I keep telling myself that as well, "you said EVERYTHING you could say and did EVERYTHING you could do"... And now, the only thing left, is to Let Go and Let God... Be strong, say what you mean, mean what you say, and know there are plans up ahead for you... Rejection is Protection

BrokenInPieces

You are not alone. I am sooo struggling with all of this myself. I love him dearly. I miss him so very much; the emptiness is overwhelming. Everything - absolutely everything - reminds me of him. I was doing so well the first couple months, but now... it's a daily struggle. I've never felt so comfortable, nor been so compatible, with anyone before him.

But that's all gone now. He ended things in early June and the anger and hate he has shown me since has broken me and I don't know how to put the pieces back together. I'm even crying as I type this.

I'm not much help, I know. I can't even get out of my own way right now. But I wanted you to know that you are not alone. You DID do the right thing, even if your heart doesn't feel it.

Sending you hugs.

tiredmum

I wish I could offer you words of wisdom. I am feeling the same pain. I hope the pain ends and we can all find happiness again. Hugs

SparkleKitty

You're making good choices and that is the best you can do. It takes time. And time takes time. If you spend some time reading around here you'll soon see how you have really avoided so much more pain: alcoholism is progressive and your ex is just not ready to quit. Sending you continued strength and courage.

KCrazy

@BrokenInPieces: It IS helpful to know that I am not alone in my pain

My xabf and I have lived together for the last 8 1/2 years, on and off, of course... whenever we were "on"... He's been gone for almost 2 months, he's never achieved sobriety on his own, never reached out for help, but he knows he HAS to, before he can come back this time... But that doesn't seem to be his intention... He has taken the blame off of alcohol, placed it on "us"... His stuff is still here, and I'm not sure what's worse, to have his stuff here, still hoping he may change his mind, choose me, my daughter, his daughter, his family, over alcohol... or to have his stuff here, knowing he may come back one day, after choosing alcohol, to collect his belongings, and tell us "goodbye"... Either way Huge Heartache

vttodd

You are not alone also. I am dealing with the lose of my exahgf She left me in June and started dating another alcoholic I feel alone and heartbroken too but she had many issues and I wonder How she is doing everyday.

NYCDoglvr

A big hug. You're taking the steps to crawl out of this depressing place and this will pass, I promise you. It's a process and it helps to only compare yourself to yourself. One of the hardest things in life is to accept how powerless we really are over other people and their illnesses. Just keep on keeping on.

CodeJob

Welcome Kat. I read every word of your post. You did a whole lot right here.

Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? If you can't concentrate on homework, get a copy. It will help you I suspect and might help set the topic for Tuesday's counseling (which is a wise move too!).

LightInside

Hello! I started writing a response to you, but then turned it into a new thread. Hugs!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-got-left.html

AnvilheadII

break ups hurt, period. and even people who truly care for each other are not always meant to be together. sometimes there are other dynamics at play and they much up the equation.

doing the "right" thing takes courage, especially when you KNOW it's gonna hurt like hell. like extricating ourselves from barb wire. I mean, we HAVE to, cuz staying entrapped in barb wire has no good end.....but damn, how the heck do we get out without pain?

we don't. that pain is unavoidable.

katatat

I'm finding myself trying to avoid calling him. I just want to tell him how much I'm hurting by us being separated, even if it is the right thing.

He un-tagged all our photos on facebook. 13 years of friendship are gone. I had a breakdown when I saw that.

I just want my best friend. He means everything to me. I hurt so much.

LightInside

That's awful. May I suggest that you either stay off of fb for a couple of months, "unfollow" him, unfriend him or completely block him? These little details you will continue to notice are like picking at scabs and putting salt on your wounds. This prolongs your healing.

There is nothing that your ex will post on fb that will bring you relief.

I'm sorry. For me, there was a timeline of him and me incrementally decreasing what we could see of the other's public portrayal of life. Remember that. It is just public portrayal and not a source of facts, especially if you're dealing with the narcissistic type.

You'll probably deal with people telling you stuff you don't want to hear about what he's up to. Yes, even if you tell them not to. Always remember, it is NO reflection of your worth as a human or a partner if he chooses to say or do things that go against your hopes and wishes. He is toxic and has distorted thought processes.

I hope I'm not projecting what my feelings were with my X onto your current experience.

katatat

I don't feel like you are. It's both helpful and hurtful to see how my story parallels others.

I think I need to remind myself that I have saved myself from years of future anguish. If we had done all the things we said we wanted: gotten married, had kids. I guess I was hoping that this idea of a future would motivate him to change. Now, I realize that he wasn't ready to change.

katatat

Thank you for the welcome.

I actually bought all of Melody Beattie's books after the hospitalization. Unfortunately, I didn't read them all the way through. I was still in denial and it made me feel vulnerable. I did attend a few CoDA meetings; but, stopped when I felt too scared to commit.

katatat

In my case, no contact is best, right? Because I am spending a lot of time trying to come up with reasons to call him. I just want to cry to him.

dandylion

katatat........there are several techniques that will help you with your painful feelings, right now.

1. Pour you heart out in a letter.....say everything you would like to unburden from your heart. Then, take it to the edge of the woods or a body of water, etc...... And, then read the letter to the universe...out loud. Go ahead and cry, scream, sob,...whatever you feel deep inside. Know that the Universe will respond to your anguish. (I say universe when some others may say god or higher power).

2. Go to nature..or edge of the woods....or any completely private place. Pretend that he is sitting in front of you. Say and scream or cry...or whatever you feel directly to him...as if he is sitting right in front of you. Purge all of your feelings..verbalize all of them. If you are angry at him--scream; say it; cry until your mascara runs and your face is swollen and the snot runs down your face. Until you can think of nothing more to say. Until you are exhausted.

3. Make a list of the worst feelings that you have had--that led you to end the relationship. Carry it with you at all times. Read it over and over--every time you feel the compulsion to contact him.

4. Allow yourself a time p eriod every day to cry and feel all of the pain and "wallow" in it as much as you feel that you can. (try to make it the same time every day).

These are techniques that I used to get through a crushing heartbreak. I can assure you that they work....that there are healing powers in these actions. I encourage you to give some of them a try......cause, what do you have to lose?

The less you contact him....the sooner you will heal from this horrible pain.

dandylion

Dojang

Thank you Dandylion! I am going to try these as well. I have already written the letter. Reading it out loud is a great idea!

dandylion

Dojang.....good for you. It is soo important to get negative energy out of our bodies...and, to be "heard".

Did you know that not all tears are the same? When we are in high stress---tears have been measured to have higher levels of stress hormones---compared to other tears.
Natures way of protecting us from our own pain.

I believe in crying....a lot...LOL!!

dandylion