HighWireGirl

Last evening at the nail salon, I watched a young lady entertain two glasses of wine. I found myself studying her carefully, as if she were a laboratory experiment.

She drank the first measure while her feet were being addressed. She sat quietly, watching the other customers have their needs met, occasionally glancing at her phone.

When her toenails were dry, she switched to a seat at the counter and chatted with her manicurist.

From what I could gather, her name was Lisa. She'd just returned from a vacation to Cabo. I don't know where Cabo is, but it sounds tropical and rather lovely. As well, she'd been involved in the planning of a friend's bridal shower. The arrangements did not go smoothly.

It wasn't as if Lisa's behavior was extraordinary or even noteworthy. Her second beverage sat largely untouched for the remainder of her appointment. She was not wasted or making a scene. She was just a girl, getting her nails done. Having a drink.

I would have liked to contribute to the conversation, especially since the mani-pedi technician spoke very little English. But instead, I said nothing. A part of me was afraid. I didn't want to get too close to the action. Another part decided I didn't like her. I was jealous. She could drink, and I can't.

I wish I were able to enjoy a glass of wine like normal people. Do cocaine and amphetamines like regular folks. You see where I'm going with this, don't you? There's nothing normal about the way I perceive these options.

I don't always feel this way. For the most part, I function comfortably in social settings. I seldom have the urge to judge others as far as their beverage consumption is concerned. It's not my business. I can attend a get-together and not hole up somewhere until all the booze and drugs are gone. I don't have to consider selling my shoes just to keep the party going.

I have a mysterious and baffling malady. I need to recognize and acknowledge this condition on a daily basis. Yesterday, I was an alcoholic and an addict. When I woke up this morning, it was the same. Tomorrow will be no different. I must never forget what I am. It's okay. Really.

But this week's weather was rainy, and we have a sick goldfish at the house. These are as good an excuse as any to jeopardize thirteen wonderful years of sobriety.

That's just the reality of things. It sounds crazy because it is.

luvmygirls

WOW. Thirteen years?! That is absolutely amazing, and inspiring. I'm in very early sobriety, but I was kind of doing the same thing last night when people were drinking all around me. I was telling myself, "that's not for you, it's for them" which helped somewhat. I can totally relate to your "anthropological study" and find it completely baffling when people can "forget" to finish their drink or not make it the central element of their experience. Thank you for posting, HWG. :-)

meganrnc

I'm 7 months sober today.. Was a social binge drinker.. Am a nurse... Got in trouble with alcohol. And here I am. And I am struggling with the "jealousy" thing. I'm 28 and its football season and I live in south louisiana. So everyone is drinking. And I get depressed because I can't drink normal. I can't just have a glass of wine and be in control. I hate this jealousy and hope it fades and I get comfortable being "left out." So silly I think. 😒

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SoberLeigh

Maybe someday, scientists will figure out EXACTLY what it is that makes us different - why we can't be normies. Perhaps that knowledge will be helpful - you know, just understanding. In the meantime, we can find satisfaction in recovery and in the knowledge that, for today, we have beat the monster.

Shawn4233

This is where I thought it would be the hardest, during football season. I'm also early into sobriety bit I noticed I don't get jealous, I realize I'm going to feel much better the next day then a lot.of my fellow fans.

Soberwolf

Nice post once again HWG !

13 years speaks fot itself

FeelingGreat

HWG, you've put your finger on it. If I had been that girl, that second glass would have disappeared fast. I might not have had another after that, but I wouldn't be capable of 'forgetting' it for long periods.
When I was drinking and for some reason needed to sit on a glass for a while, it would have taken all my attention.

resolute50

I'm 14 months sober today. And always remain "guarded" about my sobriety.
Years sober for an alcoholic make it easier to cope. But like mentioned.
I can't help but be a little envious of Normie's.

youngconfused

I loved reading this! I'll do this oh well she drinks I can too right? She's having so much fun!! It's okay if I drink one glass! WRONG! I can't one is never enough its becomes my mission when that drink hits my lips when I take just one pill to get high or drunk! It's in my being I can't help it! I can never just have one drink because I'll be searching for 10 more and won't be satisfied until I've had enough to pass out or make a fool of myself! That's great people can have a glass of one but I can't and I'm different! Loved the post made me think about this more in depth.

closetlobster

I find I can tell an alcoholic or 'problem drinker'* in social situations from the distance they hold the drink from their mouth. Alcoholics (like myself) tend to constantly be holding a drink and will rarely put it down.

* I use the term 'problem drinker' to describe someone that has a developing unhealthy relationship with alcohol but not yet destroying aspects of their lives with it. I know many problem drinkers that are heading downwards into alcoholism.

Meraviglioso

This really hit me. Very powerful.
Thanks for a great post and congratulations on 13 years, that is wonderful and an inspiration to those of us struggling through the first phases.

Lookingforchange

Thirteen years-fantastic encouragement. It can be done:-)

desypete

wishing you could enjoy a glass of wine is like wishing you could hold electricity, for me.

i can only say try that glass of wine if you wish for it so bad, dont let me stop or anyone else for that matter, as its up to you if you have learned just what that one drink of wine will bring with it or not ?

meganrnc

Lucky for me I have the accountability of the state board of nursing drug testing me for three years. I have three years to learn and grow and get myself ready for when there is NO accountability and I can do what I want. And there isn't one glass of wine for me either, it's a bottle or two. I KNOW I can't drink. I just don't wanna be upset I can't If that makes sense.

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Meraviglioso

It completely makes sense. I am trying to get past my ANGER at not being able to drink normally. It is tough work. It is also so conflicting. On one hand I LOVE who I am, how I feel and what I do sober. Yet I still feel angry I can't drink. Why? If I love being sober so much, why do I feel angry?

GentleSoul

I am also just amazed to watch others who are not alcoholics drink alcohol. I feel jealous of their nonchalant attitude toward drinking. They sip so slowly and leave their drink in places where they any reach or see or they forget they had it. Later I see them look ok to walk around without a drink. Then they slowly sit down and seem to casually reach for the drink again. Only to leave it one quarter full at the end of the night. It is truly mind boggling to me. But that reminds me that I'll never drink like that. It's hard to swallow sometimes but it's a fact. Thank you for posting on this topic and congratulations on 13 years!!!

resolute50

You're not different from us.

HighWireGirl

I think it's so great to be in good company, with folks who understand exactly what these feelings are - the anger and confusion, frustration and joy. We can experience all of these emotions at the same time. Woah.

One important thing that continues to come to my mind…
The only time I ever failed to finish my drink was when I needed to throw up. After that, I got right back to it.

Thank you everyone for sharing.

ScooterBoo

HWG, congratulations on 13 years.

I never drank more than three drinks in public; I usually stopped at two. I carefully paced myself. I usually left for home early so I could start my heavy drinking. Sometimes I had a few drinks before going to a social situation, then still managed to drink only one or two.

Because of that, I now wonder if someone is truly one who can "take it or leave it," or is like me, and just putting on a show.

soberlicious

That was me too scooterbro. I could have been the girl at the nail salon, but when I got home the picture would be very different. I had many different me's.

I sometimes think I know others by their actions, but I just remind myself that I was a master of disguise. A queen of compartmentalization. So much so, that my long time coworkers were shocked when I did not show up for work one day out of the blue. Suicide attempt. I smiled every day at work. No one knew I was planning my death.

We don't always know the burdens others are carrying.