Lonelynconfused

Hi, I am new to this. I have been in a relationship for over 6 years with my alcoholic bf. We got into a huge fight and he spent the night in jail for becoming physical with me. I kicked him out the next day. He has been staying somewhere else for the past week but now he wants to come back. He has told me all of the usual crap, I will quit drinking, I will get help, I don't want to lose you, I will do anything, etc.

I told him that he needs to get his life together first, show me that he can be sober and change his life for a few months before I will even consider letting him come back. He told me that if he has to get his own place because I won't let him come back, then he probably won't want to continue to work on the relationship. He said that a few months was too long to have to keep working on everything.

I'm thinking that once he gets his own place, he will be back to drinking and won't want to work on the relationship bc then I would know he was still drinking.

I'm so exhausted from all of this. Any advice would be appreciated.

suki44883

If a few months is too long to keep working on everything, then he's not that interested in salvaging the relationship. If you are exhausted from all this and don't want to live with an alcoholic that physically abuses you, then don't let him come back. You deserve better.

Welcome to SR.

hopeful4

My advise...cut and run. He has already said it's not worth working on himself for a few months. I am sorry, that has to hurt.

The thing is, they say it will all change and it never does. Living life with an alcoholic is a tough life. You deserve more.

AncientMariner

The relationship is over. It's better to accept it now and move on with a clean slate. He got physical with you, sober or drunk, that's unacceptable. He's out. The behaviour will just repeat itself.

Furthermore, the dynamic of the relationship will never be the same. If you want him to change and he is willing to change only for the sake of the relationship, it's no longer an equal standing relationship. It's under a condition. He's making promises just to get back into the relationship....more than likely they are hollow promises. Why waste your time?

Also : 'I'll do anything' , 'I don't want to lose you' etc
that's called begging. A person who begs to one person is never again respected by the other person. Never. How could they be.

Would you say the respect is gone? If there's no respect there's nothing.

Jupiters

if you have good sneakers, I'd put them on and run right now.
He's been physical and spent a night in jail? Then proceeds to tell you he'll do anything.......BUT that if you make him get his own place, a few months is "too" long to work on stuff?
huh?
Unless you want more pain and misery and lies, I suggest you cut your losses now.
sorry if that's harsh

least

In a good healthy relationship, you have to "work on it" every day. It's not something you only do once.

Sounds to me like you'd be better off on your own.

doggonecarl

If it's been six years that you have been together, things have probably been progressing to this point. So you have probably heard it all, and seen none of the promises come to pass.

If you were to put your relationship and all the alcohol related problems on a graph, you'd see the downward trend. You made the difficult but right move. Let him start living the consequences of his drinking.

Jupiters

*nods head in agreement*

Gilmer

Let him go. All he sees in you is a free apartment.

Aellyce

Big red flag in my opinion! If he says this, then most likely nothing will truly change. Recovery from an addiction is hard work and takes a long time. I think that if he really wants to pull himself together, he will do so regardless of your relationship. If not, probably there is little you can do to make this happen.

I imagine that you already gave him chances several times before kicking him out. I would move on and not let him back in your home.

Jupiters

it's been 6 years? if he hasn't changed yet and says a few months is too long, he isn't ready for change.

Muunray

Yeah..basically he has told you in his own words that he isn't interested in changing. So don't waste your time, energy, life on him.
Take care of yourself!

FreeOwl

Stick to that. And focus for now on yourself. You need to look out for you and your well-being and spend some time understanding for yourself what your boundaries are about this.

A relationship involving physical abuse is something you should seriously question ever giving another chance, regardless of whether it was alcohol-fueled.

He needs to focus on getting himself well and no amount of promises are going to matter to you if he doesn't.

Lonelynconfused

Thank you to everyone for the advice. Yes, he has been drinking heavily for most of the relationship and it has gotten worse over time. I have threatened to kick him out several times before and I have actually kicked him out twice but have always ended up letting him come back. He is not usually physically abusive to me, rather he is verbally abusive when he drinks, which I have gotten used to over time. He didn't beat me up or anything, just shoved me pretty hard.

I have drawn the line in the sand and now I just need to enforce it. Thank you for reinforcing my inner thoughts. He has a way of making me doubt myself and what is acceptable.

EndGameNYC

You may have never heard this before, but your instincts are sound. Verbal abuse is still abuse, and also "hurts" in insidious and often dramatic ways.

Soberpotamus

This sounds like manipulation, and it also speaks volumes that he is unaware of what kind of work there is ahead of him to get and stay sober. If a few months is what he's thinking it's going to take, he might be in for a big surprise.

SoberLeigh

Run, Lonelynconfused. He is not showing signs of a true desire for, or commitment to, sobriety. When you factor in the physical abuse, it seems safe to say that this is a very unhealthy relationship.

Be well, be happy, be safe.

Notmyrealname

The opportunity cost of staying in a relationship with a drunk who's demonstrated his capacity for beating on you .. is very high. How will you ever meet Mr. Right if you're still going out with Mr. Wrong?

AncientMariner

Anytime I was in a relationship and I did something 'stupid' because of alcohol....and the girl did not get rid of me...where it warranted 'the end'....deep down I disrespected her for it. Deep down I thought 'wow, I wouldn't accept what I just did from anyone...and you just did...your weak..' And in a lot of those cases when I got 'my act together', I finished the relationship. Highly hypocritical? Perhaps, but that's the dynamic...

You give somebody an inch and they'll take a mile. The times you let him back he probably disrespected you for it...even though he probably begged you to take him back.

Glad you weren't beaten up! Would you accept a hard shove on a first date? or abuse from a drunk on a first date? Funny how the more comfortable some people get with you, the worse they treat you.

I have drawn the line in the sand and now I just need to enforce it.

Good. Make sure you know where that line is always and you know what to do the first time it's crossed. And every new potential boyfriend knows where it is too.

heartcore

"He told me that if he has to get his own place because I won't let him come back, then he probably won't want to continue to work on the relationship. He said that a few months was too long to have to keep working on everything."

Recovery is a tremendous amount of work. If he can't even do the above...um...

Staying sober is a lifetime project. Yes, one day at a time...forever.

Plus, if he has to get his own place he doesn't want to work on the relationship? You're a human being, not a boarding house.

Everything you said in setting your boundary was just right. You deserve to be in love with and loved by someone willing to do the work of being a good partner. Power up, sister, you're doing the right thing. Physical abuse should be the canyon of a "line in the sand" for all human beings. Hold the line.