Paixfluer

Hi, all.

I have been going to meetings this week and have been to one group twice, yesterday and the day before. I feel as if, when they devote time to allow new people to speak, there is a great deal of pressure to do so. I may be paranoid, but it feels like people are looking at me expectantly, and last night there was a man who made eye contact with me, raised his eyebrows, and, when I didn't speak, shook his head. Paranoid? I don't know.

I am very new to this, and this group is 50 people, a large group in my opinion, and I do not know anyone. I feel very uncomfortable and have considered seeking another group, though this one is the closest to my home and fits in my schedule. Does anyone have a comment on switching to another group?

Also, I am not sure if I will be asked to leave if I attend another meeting without speaking. Is there some third-meeting rule regarding this?

I understand members may feel like I am not sharing appropriately or believe I am not serious about sobriety, but this is not the case. I am simply a shy person with many questions that I would rather pose to an individual or small group than to a room of 50 strangers.

Please advise.

Paixfleur

Anna

Hi Paxi,

I'm don't go to AA meetings, but I hope that you don't feel pressure to speak. Hopefully you will share when the time is right.

ScottFromWI

I don't attend AA regularly, but I have been to meetings. I would say that if you don't feel comfortable sharing and you are verbally pressured to do so ( even after you've declined once ) then perhaps try a different meeting.

I personally feel that to fully take advantage of a group-type recovery meeting, you will eventually need to share and participate. Sobriety is all about overcoming our fears and finding healthy ways to deal with them. Having said that, I am merely one person with an opinion - I'm sure it's possible to learn a lot by simply listening at meetings too.

BBQBOY

There is nothing wrong with listening. You will share when the time is right, something that interests you perhaps. I never felt pressured when I first started attending. I don't think I shared until about the 10 th meeting with my group..now they can't shut me up. I always thought it was polite not to share immediately, get a feel for the group first..get comfortable before you "spill your guts out" to total strangers. Give that meeting one more chance or find another where you are more comfortable.

CAPTAINZING2000

You can just say, I want to listen.

I'd suggest going early and staying after getting to know people. Might help you over come your shyness.
No one is there to judge you .

Soberpotamus

I went to about 15 meetings and never shared, and that is because I wasn't ready to share, didn't feel comfortable sharing, and that is most likely because I preferred to listen to others early in my sobriety. Personally, I didn't feel like I had much to share yet. I was sharing in a Continuing Care group at my IOP and getting "heard" that way. We were all at the same place in CC though... all new to sobriety. It was more like group therapy. AA meetings were very different.

Please do not feel pressured to share before you are ready.

BadCompany

People don't become unwelcome at AA until they stray into the "show up wearing no pants" territory. Go ahead and check out other meetings. They will all have a different style.Find what works for you.

RumHound

You won't be asked to leave for not sharing. It's up to you as to whether you share or not. Plenty of shy people in AA. You can participate by listening and observing, especially in the beginning. A lot of newcomers do that. I did.

If you are asked to share and you do not wish to do so, you can always say, "My name is Paixfluer and I pass."
It's up to you.

MIRecovery

Actually hard core old timers will encourage you to just shut up and listen.

Hawks

I'm not buying it.

I'm not patting you on the back and saying "there there"

I won't enable you to shrink away and play small. Cop out by saying "I'm shy."

It's just a defense mechanism youve developed. I can see it works very well too. Looking at other responses here.

The guy turned around and shook his head at you because maybe he can see himself in you, shaking his head and thinking "yep, that used to be me"

I'm going with the "give you a shove " method here.

I'll probably get flamed out.

But we both know and you know deep down, your just squirrelling out here.

The writing on the wall is this

Go to a different meeting, no good
Go to a different meeting again, no good
Go to another different meeting, no good

It's just your AV trying to find a way to keep you drinking.

Don't let it win, it wants you to remain shy and anxious and shrinking and small.

Go prove the AV wrong.

Best of luck

FeenixxRising

Hawk, just admit that you want to control other people.

longbeachone

People who have been attending AA meetings for awhile find listening to newcomers very helpful. Recovered alcoholics who witness the emotional pain, physical anguish and depression of a newly sober alcoholic as they share in meetings find the newcomers experiences to be powerful, tangible reminders of why they became sober in the first place. When I hear a newcomer share I feel so incredibly grateful to them!

But if you aren't ready to speak, don't ever feel that you must do so. There are no rules, written or otherwise, that require your participation. If you choose to attend and NEVER speak, you can do so. But you will hopefully find that sharing can be so helpful, especially because the feelings and experiences you are having have almost certainly been felt and experienced by others at the meeting, and their input and advice will help you realize that you aren't alone.

I'm sorry you sensed that another person at your meeting was being critical of your silence. Who even knows if that was the case? When I first stopped drinking I felt like everyone was watching me, judging me. It kind of goes with the territory. I think it's great that you are going to meetings. They were an ENORMOUS part of my victory over alcohol in early days. As time went by, I found that I didn't need to go every day, and that there were meetings that worked better than others for me. I still like to go to meetings now and then, although I'm not one of those in recovery who feel the need to attend daily (not that there is anything wrong with that). I also have grown to love the Celebrate Recovery program, which meets once a week.

Do whatever feels right in your fight to free yourself from alcohol. In the long run, all that really matters is that you get your life back!

FeenixxRising

There are many odd people in AA. Just avoid them; most of them don't have anything you need. Try other meetings if that works for you. And if you prefer to stay at your current meeting, don't let anyone push you around. It's your sobriety.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Paixfluer

As you can see there are varying views.

Some peoples only tool is a hammer - I'm sure they mean well, and I've learnt off people like that.

It's *your* recovery - if it doesn't make sense to you, then it's not likely to have the legs to make the distance.

D

Dee74

Let's keep the focus on the original post and on sharing our experience rather than our opinions thanks

Dee
Moderator
SR

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Paixfluer!!

I don't attend AA, but I imagine just like here on SR, it's your choice whether to get involved in sharing or not!!

At the end of the day it's your journey, if that means listening for a while and not sharing then that should be your choice, and then after a while that may change!!

Hawks

I can't control anyone.

It has been a part of my journey that I once made those accusations of others that I thought were trying to control me.

Came to realise some people cared more about my life than my feelings.

And that when they called me on my excuses, after initially thinking "how dare they?"

That they had my best interests at heart all the while.

Many people in my life have attempted to call me on stuff, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see they were right to do so, I just could not get that at the time.

I didn't want to hear it, I wanted to be enabled by them.

Hope4Life

Trying another fellowship or meeting is a great idea. I go to meetings at all times of the day (except the Early Risers at 6am! Forget that!). My fellowship has meetings at 6am, Noon, 6pm and 8pm and different people attend each, depending on their schedule.

We give out Chips on fridays and it is a great meeting to show your support for folks reaching milestones. Nothing better than the positive energy and encouragement shown for folks getting a chip.

Just pass when you are called on... or like Capt said, say 'I'm here to listen' and let it go. I have found that sharing actually helps me with my recovery, so once you are ready you should consider it.

Good Luck!

Dee74

Not everyone's the same Hawks.

Some people respond well to the metaphorical 4 x2 round the back of the head...others do not

Compassion and a gentler approach does not mean enabling either

Let's get back to the topic at hand, hey?
D

Hawks

Gentle and not so gentle advice are now accounted for.

I was painfully withdrawn too at one stage.

Some one asked if I was so shy, how did I get the courage up to go in the bottle shop everyday.?

Was I loaded with Dutch courage every time?

Nope, I went in sober plenty of times.

"pop" I was never that shy. I didn't let any measure of shame, Anxiety and guilt interfere with my drinking. And we all feel that stuff going into the liquor store when it becomes very frequent or daily... Right??

I also had to have a job to earn the money to drink, in an office with 100 other people.

So how shy was I really??