Combakkid

Another rough morning with the AH again this morning. He said he was sick of me treating him like crap and perfect strangers treat him better. No one loves him, and he is mad because I didn't tell him about an orientation I was going to while he was at work. To me that wasn't a big deal as even when I do tell him anything about me or the kids, he doesn't remember it anyways. He said he is leaving me asked for his duffel bag then passed out. Now the rational part of me knows this is quacking, but part of me is wondering if I am not detaching too much?

Thumper

You are fine!

Those are *his* uncomfortable feelings. He wants to hand them off to you so he doesn't have to feel them anymore. You can refuse to take them. They are not yours. Picture him handing you a plate full of feelings and picture yourself keeping your hands in your pockets. He can hold his own plate.

Kboys

AHHH! They sure know how to push our buttons, don't they? I'm so glad to be on this site to hear from people who are having the same issues as I am. I mean, I could have written that exact post more than once.
Hang in there and stay strong!

lillamy

You're fine. Don't worry about the quacking. He's mad because you're not behaving the way he would like you to? Well, I guess you could say the same thing about him, but we don't see you bellyaching, you're going about your life doing your thing.

I also find it disturbingly controlling that he wants to know what you are doing when he's gone. Does he want play by play updates on your bowel movements as well, and how doing the dishes is progressing?

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics cling like crazy to enablers! Think "his majesty the child" when dealing with an active alcoholic because this is a mental illness. There is a "cure" and that is sobriety but if that doesn't happen you'll see a progression of both drinking and messed up behavior.

dandylion

"Detaching too much".......there is no such thing. Detachment is just a tool for you to protect your own welfare. To keep you from being too embroiled in stupid arguments; to give you mental space to focus on yourself; to allow you to get your head out of his head;to help you give his responsibilities BACK to him......
Whatever will help you to function better....

Of course, he won't like it. But--that doesn't matter. In fact, his quacking might get worse for a while. His reactions to you are his responsibility to deal with. Same goes for you, of course.
You are not his puppet.

CombakKid....you are going to need to grow a thick rhino skin. I know that I did.....I had to....LOL.
You will be surprised at how protective a rhino skin is.....

dandylion

maia1234

Your comments and suggestions are awesome, as always!!

You guys are all so Funny and Helpful!! I think we need to do a ladies retreat for all of us codependents and enablers. We need a weekend alone to have fun and commiserate over the crap we all go through, laugh, cry and maybe even get drunk!! God has a special place in Heaven for all of US!!

The only problem is that the kids would need to be fed, bathed and put to bed, Dogs needs to go out, kids need to attend events and so on...We would worry all weekend over what "stuff" our A would not be doing, that they should be doing and hopefully come back to a home still standing.

Some times you really need to find some light in our dark days. Peace to you All!!

ladyscribbler

"...Said he is leaving me, asked for his duffel bag and passed out."

OK, my DS5 has a Little Critter book called I was so Mad. When I read that line all I could picture in my head was Little Critter packing his baseball glove and a box of cookies onto his little red wagon because he was so mad that his mom wouldn't let him practice juggling with a dozen eggs that he decided to run away.
Spoiler alert- Little Critter's friends stop by and he goes to the park with them to play baseball, so he doesn't end up running away.

m1k3

Good advice so far. Just because someone throws you a ball doesn't mean you have to catch it.

Your friend,

Combakkid

Lillamy yes he pretty much wants a constant update as to what I am doing all the time. Then gets mad when I go to bed and don't answer texts (he works 3rd shift). It gets very annoying and I just turn my phone on do not disturb. Dandylion, I do need to grow a thicker skin. Each day I get a little stronger, but I am still rather isolated even though I have started to branch out and sometimes I get him a little too inside my head sometimes. It is hard to continuously hear how horrible you are and not start to believe it after awhile. I am just going to have to imagine the Aflac duck quacking everytime he opens his mouth.

Combakkid

Ladyscribbler I know that book so well! It was one of my favorites when I was a kid. Truth be told, I actually hoped he would leave today. I even offered to help him pack!

ladyscribbler

I don't blame you. I remember how exhausting it was to live with the emotional black hole of active alcoholism.