feeling weak willed please help me stay strong

Old 09-26-2014, 04:06 AM
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feeling weak willed please help me stay strong

So I told separated AH that I wa done waiting for him to sort himself out the other day. at that time I was so determined to stand by this but today I am struggling not to contact him and tell him Im still here for him and I love him as I always do after I make a stand.

I know I shoudnt contact him, I know its not good for me but I worry about him on his own feeling that he has no one to support him

Why do I do this and why do I feel this way, its clear hes not making any effort to seek help and stop drinking its clear that hes not ready and may never be ready. Is this me being a codie, if I tell him im still here and I love him and remind him of how much he loves me and has told me he wants to be wih me is this me trying to control things and allowing myself to listen to his manipulation??
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Old 09-26-2014, 04:19 AM
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Butterfly, stay strong. What you have always done in the last has not made your life better. You say right here reaching out has never brought you anything but more pain and shame. It is okay to feel what you are feeling. You are learning how to live with your feelings without acting on them. Each time you manage to work through the short term pain you get back continued strength in spades.

Also...the idea that he is floundering around out there feeling unloved and unsupported...honey, that is not him. Right now, for a moment, that is you projecting that feeling onto him. He is where he wants to be, and he is fine. Take care of you.
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Old 09-26-2014, 04:53 AM
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If he is drunk, he wouldn't be feeling much except happy with the world. I can promise you, that's why we drink.

Sober, that's when all the emotions pour in like an avalanche And we can't cope.

And that is why we drink again

That's the vicious cycle.

You gotta let him go, till booze kicks his ass so hard, he can't take it anymore.

Be ready with a plan, support and advice.

That is if you decide to hang in with him.

Best of luck with it.

God bless
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Old 09-26-2014, 06:26 AM
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Butterfly...he does not seem overly concerned with how YOU feel in all of this. Yes, this is your codie kicking in. Think this out with your head.
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Old 09-26-2014, 06:29 AM
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Butterfly, I am in the same postition as you and I don't know how to stop. There are days, like you, that I can't stand him and don't want anything to do with him. Then all of a sudden those feelings creep right back in and I think he needs me.
He has no desire to stop drinking and does not see it as a problem. This man drinks from the time he gets off of work until he either passes out or just goes to bed, EVERYDAY!!!. He does not miss a single day, ever!!!. Weekends are worse because he starts earlier. Last night I was on the phone with him and asked what he had eaten for supper (he lives with his sister), and he said nothing because she was working and wouldn't be home until 10:00. So my codie feelings kick in and I am feeling sorry for him because I had made meatloaf, mashed potatoes and green beans for dinner. But I had to stop and think, he is a grown a** man, almost 50. He can make his own dinner if he wants to, but the beer is more important.
I like you, want to help, but he has to want to help himself.
I get so frustrated listening to other couples talk about future plans, like going to a wedding or just anything and I get sad because I can't make any plans ahead because I dont know what kind of mood he will be in or how he will act.
Ugh, I just wish someone could wave a magic wand over me and fix me!!!!! But, just like him, I know I am the only one who can fix me.
Hang in there, I hope it gets better. Hugs!!!
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Old 09-26-2014, 06:34 AM
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Because you are still addicted to the "help" cycle.

You. can't. help. him. You can help yourself.

Let him go. He is doing what he wants. He doesn't need support. He needs to fall flat on his butt. He doesn't want to be with you or he would have made those changes. Pick yourself up, reclaim your dignity and move on.
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Old 09-26-2014, 07:10 AM
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Butterfly.....it is not your FAULT that he is where he is. He is a free man and he has chosen this. As Hawks and biminiblue have said....he needs the alcohol to kick his butt so hard that he can't take it any more....and that could still take YEARS! Yet...you want to run in and make it all better....he will never, ever, get sober if you are enabling him.

To answer your question...yes this is your co-dependent features kicking in. Spend your time working on them.

Yes, it is good if you have your feelings BUT do not act on them

Do not be his intermittent chicken rushing toward him with pellet in hand!!!!!!!!

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Old 09-26-2014, 07:30 AM
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Yes I think it is the codependent part of you that is reacting right now and feeling that panic. Feelings are not wrong and can't be helped really but how we deal with them, address them, respond to them, cope with them, etc. makes a huge difference in out lives and we have the power to control/change those things.

Is this me being a codie, if I tell him im still here and I love him and remind him of how much he loves me and has told me he wants to be wih me is this me trying to control things and allowing myself to listen to his manipulation??
That is you trying to manipulate him.

Codependent people get very good at manipulation in our own right and it isn't any more pleasant for those involved than when the alcoholic does it. You are not in charge of his outcomes or choices.

I've been there done that. Focusing on myself helped me to see that and I would take specific steps to NOT be that way.

If I say it without being asked; it is meddling.

If I say it twice; it is manipulation.
I used to have that taped all over (work, home, car, etc.) because that part of my codependency leaked out everywhere in my life - not just with my ah. Ugh. I have extinguished that and it has really helped me be more at peace with all kinds of things. Much less stress because it helped immensely with letting other people's outcomes go. All I have to ponder is my own reactions, feelings, actions, etc.

It also eliminated some drama or unease in my life because people generally do not respond very well to meddling and manipulation, even when it is dripping with love and concern.
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Old 09-26-2014, 09:26 AM
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Oh it's so hard, I know... I struggle with the same feelings. I was feeling so strong and so proud of myself the other day for finally making it clear that I wanted AH to leave. I meant it, and I still do.
But now, that he actually took me seriously, and got an apartment, my instinct is to tell him, "no, I don't want you to do this. I don't want you to leave." Especially this morning, when he was sober and normal... I have not seen that side of him much at all in the last few weeks, but it is so easy to forget about the horrible things he has done and said when the good side of him comes out.
I just have to keep reminding myself over and over of all the bad times, and that helps. My therapist told me to write a list of every bad, hurtful thing he has done and said, and re read it when I'm feeling like letting him come home. I haven't done it yet. I think I will need a lot of paper.
HUGS
STAY STRONG. You are worth it!
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Old 09-26-2014, 11:46 AM
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Thanks everyone. I haven't contacted him and I don't plan to. My first reaction was to come here to SR and write it out then I thought with my head and thought about what it would achieve.....and my answer.....nothing except upset for me and anger, feeling a lot of that recently!! This is my fear talking, fear of what I don't know, still working on that.

Your right this is where he wants to be if he didn't he'd be here trying to get sober and I know I don't want the ah he had turned into. He has changed so much the man I knew would never behave as selfishly and thoughtless with me or the kids even when he has left before so he could drink. He always made time to see the kids, helped me out with them, made sure I was ok for money etc, now he's no where to be seen and just looking out for himself. Is this part of the progression of this disease??

One thing I have noticed is that when I'm exhausted emotionally and physically these types of thoughts are more frequent and harder to deal with so usually I just react and think later. This week especially I am thinking before I react, completely new for me and hard to put into practice but I am trying and very determined.

Thank you everyone
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Old 09-26-2014, 12:05 PM
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Take good care of yourself! Get enough sleep and food and movement. You are a priority!
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Old 09-26-2014, 12:12 PM
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I am trying to and tomorrow I will be getting my nails done and going for lunch with a friend, something for me, not the kids, work or the house ME
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Old 09-26-2014, 12:18 PM
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If you keep doing the same thing over and over you keep getting the same results. What helped me was to keep the focus in today. It's only today I don't contact him (repeating this every day). Notice that the craving in a codependent is the same as an alcoholic's craving for booze. We both are strongly influenced by denial and rationalization ("I worry about him....he needs support"). Sounds like you need phone support.......I suggest Alanon, where I got the support I needed to get through this tough time.
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Old 09-26-2014, 12:20 PM
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Phone support??

I can't get to meetings as they are too far away I'm looking into the online groups
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Old 09-26-2014, 02:52 PM
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Thumper, I never really thought of what I say to him as manipulation. I always thought I was trying to give him something to fight for, to stop drinking for as he was feeling so lost and I thought if he holds onto how he feels about me that will give him a reason to fight. Looking back at all the times I said it to him it does sound like manipulation. I am really shocked and I am going to have to think long and hard about my manipulation in the relationship. I mean I know I shouted, threatened, screamed, cried and begged and it was only when I came here did I realise that that is also manipulation, trying to get him to do what I want.

I have read co dependent no more, think I will have a read once I've finished my current book.
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Old 09-26-2014, 03:40 PM
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Good on your butterfly.

I'm trying to use delay, distract and decide.....just like any other addict....when I want to contact AH.


Thumper that was an interesting take on it. Butterfly I can relate to what you say...I've also told AH I love him, that I want him to get well, that I want the best for him. All that is true, but I also said it for the same reasons you do/ did....something for him to hang on to. I'll also think about this and try to reflect on whether its manipulation. My brains foggy on this....the thought that it is does resonate with me (thanks thumper) but I can't sort that out it my head either.

Going to talk to my therapist about that one today...
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Old 09-26-2014, 03:47 PM
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I know jarp it resonated with me. My ah has told me many times he's in love with me and wants his future to bewith me. I have said this many times to him for him to hold onto and a reason to fight. I have also told him I love him and want him home but not while he's drinking!!

What I thought and hoped was good intentions and for the right reasons may not have been and just me trying to manipulate him.

I will also be talking to my counsellor about this!! More to think about, no wonder recovery is emotionally exhausting!!
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Old 09-28-2014, 05:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Butterfly View Post
I know jarp it resonated with me. My ah has told me many times he's in love with me and wants his future to bewith me. I have said this many times to him for him to hold onto and a reason to fight. I have also told him I love him and want him home but not while he's drinking!!

What I thought and hoped was good intentions and for the right reasons may not have been and just me trying to manipulate him.
This also resonated with me. I am currently feeling weak-willed and am obsessively reading posts here to avoid contacting my ex. While I think I want to call him and cry so we can comfort each other (as friends do), perhaps I'm just looking to manipulate him back into my life. It's so hard, though. I'm trying to not break down.
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Old 09-28-2014, 09:19 AM
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Originally Posted by jarp View Post
Good on your butterfly.

I'm trying to use delay, distract and decide.....just like any other addict....when I want to contact AH.


..I've also told AH I love him, that I want him to get well, that I want the best for him. All that is true, but I also said it for the same reasons you do/ did....something for him to hang on to. I'll also think about this and try to reflect on whether its manipulation. My brains foggy on this....the thought that it is does resonate with me (thanks thumper) but I can't sort that out it my head either.
I also have said all the above. He lives with his sister. I finally texed him Friday night and said it was over (after some stupidness on his part), I dont know,but I want him to see the things that he does also has consequences, not that he will see that, but anyway.
Then I texted him and told him I will always love him. Ugh, I think I do this because I want him to feel like I am here and not go look for someone else. I dont know how I will handle that. Gosh this is a vicious circle we are all in. I was listening to (I cant help myself, here comes that feeling) by Eddie Rabbit last night and just burst into tears because that is just how I feel. I so wnat to get better and move on, but just cant seem to do it right now.
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Old 09-28-2014, 11:24 AM
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Sosad, I constantly texted my ah to tell him I loved him and was here for him, that I would give him time to figure things out, then when I got annoyed or angry I'd tell him I wanted nothing to do with him that he was on his own, he would never reply and within a day or a few hrs I'd be apologising for what I said and how I'm here if he needs me that I love him. I did this for months nearly 7 actually, I was driving myself mad, I kept hoping that he would tell me baby I'm going to give this up right now il go to rehab whatever it takes so I can come home. I never got it all I got was mixed messages I do love you, I want to be with you I might try and stop or I'm preparing or my heads all over the place, please give me time. What he learned was I will react at times but coming running back, no matter what he does I will be here waiting for him to pick up and put down when he feels like it. I taught him that through my behaviour.

I listened to the same bullsh*t a few nights ago, 5 actually and it hit me I'm done I can't keep doing this to myself, every time I contact him about us I end up in tears, I constantly pick at the scabs of my wounds. He says all the right things to keep me hooked then when he thinks I think he is actually going to get help this time he pushes me away and I RUN AFTER HIM EVERY TIME just wanting to waiting for him to give me hope that we will be ok.

We won't be ok Our marriage is over but I will be, working on myself is hard but there are light bulb moments where I feel some relief to the pain. I haven't contacted him and I won't any contact is about our kids and that is minimal and the last few days I've dreaded when my phone goes in case it is him, strange turn of events.

You will get through this, you will become stronger each day as you focus on your own recovery. Tight hugs
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