ItsJustMe89

Hi, I'm new to Sober Recovery. I am trying to quit drinking but at the same time I feel like I have no self control, will power, or motivation. The longest I have stayed sober so far is 3 1/2 days. I have no problem going all day long not drinking. My problem has always been when I get home at night. I like to have drink wine, or captain morgan mixed with diet coke to unwind and relax and feel good before I go to sleep. I have been a nightly drinker for a while now. I am going to an Intensive Outpatient group 4 nights a week but I feel like I don't even know why I keep going, since I come home and drink like usual. It would seem like I don't even want to stop drinking. And part of me doesn't. The other part knows my life isn't going the way I want it to and I need to make a change. But... I don't. Im frustrated with myself.

Pondlady

Could you make a plan for when you get home.....change your routine, run errands, take a walk, clean the house....just something to break the habit of drinking when you get home? It's also easier to not drink at home, if you don't have alcohol in the house.

You can do this and I think you want to, as you're trying.

DrunkTx

Maybe substitute the wine at night with herbal tea? just give it a shot. I was much like you 2-3 glasses of wine every night. Morning grog followed without fail. I love the tea alternative.

Nowsthetime

I hope you are ready soon becUse it doesn't sound like you are. We are here for support!

Dee74

I think the worst thing our addiction can do is convince us we're 'not ready'

You've identified an issue you want to change, you're going to IOP, you've joined up here..
at least a major part of you is ready

you just have to make a leap of faith now for 100% commitment...and that's the scary bit

Like others have said a plan really helps - if night-time is your downfall then plan for that...mix up your routine, maybe check our recovery programme meetings in your area, log on here very night.

There's nothing stopping you from putting in the effort you need to make your sobriety permanent...except maybe your addicted self trying to convince you otherwise?

Welcome to SR

D

bunnezjp

Do you admit to your drinking after your outpatient group to the other patients?

Bunnez

ItsJustMe89

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Nowsthetime, your response is more on the being hard on me or tough love side, but sometimes that's what I need. And I wonder and worry that I am not ready yet. And how bad does it have to get for me before I am ready?

Dee74, thank you for your response. Thank you for noticing that a part of me is ready to make a change or else I would not be going to IOP (no one forced me to go; I could stop going at any time). Also, I am trying to reach out for any help, support, or guidance I can get. I think the biggest challenge at this point is 100% committing to a new way of living and accepting that I am truly alcoholic. It is sort of hard to believe that I am not just a problem drinker, but an alcoholic who can never safely drink again. And the thought of never drinking or smoking weed again is like breaking up with the only best friend I have. Even if alcohol is not a good friend, it is the only thing that I can always rely on, the only thing that will comfort me when nothing else or no one else will. And it keeps me company at night when I am lonely and bored. Sounds stupid I know. But I don't know what else to fill my void with.

bunnezjp, to answer your question, yes. I do own up to my drinking in IOP. I tell them when I don't drink and I tell them when I do. But I feel horrible, almost unworthy of being there, when I tell them that I have been drinking. I don't always own up to it at first, but after a while I feel like there is no point at all of my being there if I am going to lie. So I come clean.

Nuudawn

You're in a tough place IJM89. I don't know if anyone truly "wants" to quit drinking but I think eventually we "surrender" to the notion that we really must for one reason or another. It slaps us around long enough..it takes too much and eventually, in defeat really we realize we need to change before it really is too late. And too late can happen any moment..perhaps we're all really just one bad decision from no turning back.

Life is hard...you got a fighting chance if you learn to keep your wits about you and quit "checking out".

Dee74

First off I'm not sure the label really matters...if it's a problem it's a problem.

I do understand about being 'something you can rely on' tho - it's not stupid...it's very very common to think that way.

Even when things turned bad and alcohol stopped working for me and didn't comfort me or bring that respite, I still looked to it as my solution because it was familiar. There was a level of comforting to it.

The thought of it, or pot, not being there terrified me.

I think everyone here understands that fear - it's one of the reasons why quitting and staying quit is so hard.

But it really is built on a false premise. My fear about the pain and discomfort and unfamiliarity of a world without getting high was way way worse than the reality

Thats not to say it was easy necessarily - the transition from drinking into early recovery is hard - but so was the drinking life I had.

I persevered and I found some amazing gifts from being sober - I love myself and my life and I have a sense of peace I've never had before, ever.

I hope you decide to give it a go too

D

MelindaFlowers

Itsjustme,

You say that you like to have a captain and coke after work. Would it be safe to say that you like to have eight captain and cokes? I'll just speak from my experience but a few years ago I would tell people that I needed a drink after work. What I meant was that I needed 12 drinks after work. I know the old saying is that it doesn't matter how much we drink but for me personally, the sheer quantity became a huge problem.

My drinking kinda came to a sloooow stop over the past two years. Two years ago I was right where it sounds like you are. I was completely and utterly baffled at why I didn't even want to stop. I did not want to stop, not one bit. A year I ago I did want to stop and would string along a week here and there. In June I just couldn't take it anymore.

I had to come to this site every day to remind myself why I wanted and needed to stop. It's easy to forget and remember the good times when drinking still worked. I would see people on here who had 30 days and wonder: How in the heck did they do that? My addiction would tell me that maybe that weren't as bad as I was. My cravings were immense and used to be insatiable. I guess the lessened over time as I got more and more sick, day in and day out.

I also told myself that if I truly couldn't do it with just me and the support here on SR then I would either a) go to rehab or b) go to meetings and get a sponsor. I never wanted to go to AA but we do get to a point where we are willing to try anything.

A few years ago on here a guy wrote that three months was easier than three weeks. Three weeks was easier than three days. And I would add that sometimes three days is easier than three hours. It actually does get easier! I am around day 90 and my cravings are about 5% of what they were in June. Do whatever it takes to get sober. You can do this.

Mags1

Hi, welcome to SR. For years part of me wanted to give up drinking but one part never did. I'd ting Samaritans and aa to chat but never ever did any actions. It took for me, a life changing event to want me to stop.
I felt I had been at Rock bottom several times but I hadn't and luckily pulled myself out before I hit it, hard.
It takes grit and determination, it's not easy but, you find that person you are, deep inside you, before you drank.

You will find you are a lot stronger than you give credit for.

Nowsthetime

I wasn't trying to be harsh but in my case it took me realizing that I was ready to quit it didn't matter how much other people asked me to do it or beg me to do it it was all up to me. And it took years to go from "I should quit" to "I'm quitting". We can give you all the advice in the world but it's up to you to not drink and this is something you'll be able to do once you're ready.
I really wish you the best. You are starting your way and that is something you should be proud of.

anattaboy

Everyone who's managed to quit wishes they could assist others in making the jump sooner than later (including me). Maybe try pushing through day 4, 5... (feel the pull, ride it out). You to have the support and some want-to, maybe not the dread and fear (was really part of it for me). Best wishes on getting there soon.

Cecilia44

ItsJustMe you said: Even if alcohol is not a good friend, it is the only thing that I can always rely on, the only thing that will comfort me when nothing else or no one else will.

I can so relate to your feelings on this because that is how I feel. After making it 8 days sober I ran back to the drink because I got scared. I didn't know what I would have to depend on anymore once I truly gave up drinking.

For me, I guess believing in God has to come in here, otherwise I feel like I am just hanging out in the wind alone, if that makes any sense. I am trying again to quit and once I hit that "wall" it is my faith in God that is going to get me through it.

Good luck. You can do it!

luvmygirls

This:
And it took years to go from "I should quit" to "I'm quitting".

mfanch

^^^^What Josharon said. I needed to quit long before I really wanted to put in the work to do so.

Pondlady

IHJ89,
I struggled with what to do with all the new found sober time. The days seemed soooooo long. It helped me to break up time into smaller sections...like I'll do this for the next 15 minutes, or half hour....then I'll watch a tv program etc. I felt overwhelmed with the prospect of figuring out what to do for the next 4 - 6 hours.

Hoping today is a sober one for you....you can do this

FreeOwl

I get it!!

Yep, I would tell myself I wanted to stop....

then be headed to the liquor store saying "**** it" out loud, as if I'd been possessed.

And it turns out, I had.

I had allowed myself to be possessed by the addicted part of me.

Things had to progress further for me to really, truly want it to stop.

I hope you can find your inspiration, power and program to stop before it gets worse.

PurpleKnight

My mind when I quit also wanted to drink, that's the reality of addiction, and so alone with my own thoughts and isolated from a second opinion on things ended only one way, I caved and continued to drink.

That's were support came in and creating a new routine in the evenings, having support allowed me to get outside of my own mind, almost short circuit my addictive thought processes!!

You can do this!!

ghostdad

If only I had the courage and determination to stop at the time I realized I had a problem I would have been sober for many years now.

You dipped your toes in the water and the water's fine. Its time to jump in don't you think?