Pretend3r

Part of it is hormones, part is I'm 19 days sober and not numb to feelings so I'm just feeling all of it. I'm just so tired, my ex doesn't help with my son, he takes him one day per week maybe (haven't heard from him this week) and gives no notice. I have no life outside work and being a mommy. My son craves a male voice / authority figure he said "daddy" in the store to a dude who was around same age as his dad and he does things like this before. There is no discipline from his father when he has him, its play time, and my son is completely out of control. He is just three, but its constant, if I say zig he zags. I have to hold one leg while I try to put his clothes on, seriously, every task is similar, a straight up struggle. He doesn't stop talking, screaming, whining, crying. He slapped me in the face at the store then gets upset when I say he can't have candy. I know he's just a kid but I know friends whose kids would never act like that. I'm completely worn out, so just worn out. I'm overwhelmed at work and I'm just so sad that I married a douchebag. I don't have financial help from my ex outside of 240 per month. Daycares in this area cost 180 to 235 per WEEK. My son goes to an unlicensed "daycare" in an apartment with 5 other kids. I'm just so sad for my son and for me! And pissed, how can people like my ex get to live rent free at their parents, shirk responsibilities then sit back in judgment on me while i use all my funds to pay a mortgage, utilities, food...my ex family disowned me, my sister is over an hour away and my lil sis just left to go out to a bar yet again, with her friends and never lifts a finger to help me. I think I'm ready to snap but I can't control any of this, except for my Lil sis staying here rent free taking advantage of me. I just cried for 30 mins while cutting a pineapple, making lunches and cleaning the kitchen. I yelled at my son several times tonight, he doesnt respond to reason but yelling doesn't help either. I am having a huge pity party for myself, anyone want to come? Its crickets around here I have no one.
.

Nowsthetime

I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Discipline is hard to implement but your son is still young so you can make changes and spare yourself a lot of trouble in the future. I admire you for holding it all together. You are so tough for dealing with everything all by yourself. I hope you feel better and remember that drinking will only make it worse! Hang in there sistahhhh!

Pretend3r

Nowsthetime - you're right, I should figure out a way that works to discipline because I just worry what will happen when he's big and out of control! Thanks for listening! Really.

Elodie

I'm really sorry you're going through all this.

least

It's hard raising a child who behaves, especially when the other parent doesn't enforce discipline. It can be done tho.

Soberwolf

The Naughty Step Technique | JoFrost.com

Hello pretender i hope this helps

hang in there

Nowsthetime

With my kid consistency is key. One of the first times I did a timeout I battled her for almost 45 minutes. It was HELL!!! My husband gave up but I persisted. It was really tough but she started learning that I mean business. I don't do timeouts anymore I take stuff away. I have discovered it works much better. I always give a clear warning but if the behaviors continues there is always a consequence. My husband is also terrible at it and pretty much leaves all the discipline to me. He arse some tips I read in a magazine. Don't yell yelling has zero effect other than teaching that is okay to yell plus it shows that you lose your cool and you always need to at least appear in control. You are the grown up. Never ever offer empty threats.if he knows you won't follow through he will never take you seriously. So don't go too crazy on consequences if you can't keep them. Set rules it's not fair to punish if the kid doesn't know what is expected. Never ever bribe!!! It will work the first time but then your kid will expect something out of cooperating. Never spank.it's only teaching them that it's okay to hit. Plus, you are the parent the person that is supposed to love them the most in the world and it also shows you have lost your cool. Never cave in to whining. Standing firm will teach that whining doesn't work and he will most likely won't do it. Most important. Lead by example.

I hope this helps. I really admire you... You can do this!!!

Nowsthetime

Jo Frost is great. I vouch for her techniques. And before when I said "works much better" I mean for us. You have to figure out what works with you guys.

Anna

I'm sorry that you're struggling.

I know that beginning to teach discipline early is the way to go. Time-outs, losing favourite toys, both seem to work well. It will be tough at the outset but it will pay off in the long-run.

Congratulations on 19 days sober!

Hawks

I have four kids aged 10 to 3 and my son has ADHD, he is the ten year old.

I fondly refer to them all as my "serenity busters"

It's not always easy, but being sober is worth it.

When a self pity party looks like settling in with me, I try to turn it around by doing something nice for some one else.

Whatever that maybe, it alleviates my self pity by taking the focus off ME.

Posting here, trying to help another person, is a classic example.

Right now, I'm not focused on me, I'm trying to help you.

Sound like a good idea?

This whole forum is chock full of people helping each other.

Giving and receiving at the same time.

Hope that helps

EJ43

Hi P! Wow, you are really amazing. I mean really. You need that little moment, when you think you can't take one more thing and they turn and put their little arms around you. Then you know what you are doing is right. He will grow up knowing who was there and who wasn't. Stay strong and stay consistent. Drinking will make it worse, trust me, mom of three boys. Hang in there! Your sister owes you some babysitting so you can get some time to yourself. Also I think a written understanding of what needs to be done around the house is in order, especially rent free. You are doing great, hang in there!

Briseis

Shoot, I remember a battle of the wills with my son when he was 4 that took FOUR excruciating hours. One of many

He wouldn't stay in bed when I told him to, so I had to keep putting him back over and over and over and OVER. Finally, he gave up and fell asleep. The struggle was worth it, because he never did that again.

Kids at your son's age are so challenging. You're doing the best you can, so give yourself some credit. I think the link soberwolf suggested will help you quite a bit.

Is there any way you can move closer to your other family who may be able to help?

Pretend3r

Briseis, I would love to move closer to my sister, my job is what keeps me here. One day, maybe that will change. I also own my town home here and trying to sell on top of everything else is a scary thought!
Thanks EJ so kind of you to say! I do need to have a talk with my sister I'm terrified to sit her down. Its crazy, part of my "losing my voice", a phenomenon that existed alongside my drinking - I'm starting to come out of my fog.
Hawks, I actually started feeling better after thinking about my boss. Her daughter has angelmans syndrome and can only " eat" the thickened water that they feed to those who can't beat solids. She's 15 years old and was barely clinging to life a couple months ago. It snapped me out of my pity parade pretty quick.
Soberwolf, thanks for the link. I will read it tonight...
Thanks Anna, 19 days is the mist days sober I've had in years. I'm glad!

Pretend3r

Briseis, I would love to move closer to my sister, my job is what keeps me here. One day, maybe that will change. I also own my town home here and trying to sell on top of everything else is a scary thought!
Thanks EJ so kind of you to say! I do need to have a talk with my sister I'm terrified to sit her down. Its crazy, part of my "losing my voice", a phenomenon that existed alongside my drinking - I'm starting to come out of my fog and need to find my voice.
Hawks, I actually started feeling better after thinking about my boss. Her daughter has angelmans syndrome and can only eat the thickened water that they feed to those who can't eat solids. She's 15 years old and was barely clinging to life a couple months ago. It snapped me out of my pity parade pretty quick.
Soberwolf, thanks for the link. I will read it tonight...
Thanks Anna, 19 days is the most days sober I've had in years. I'm glad!

Pretend3r

Sorry for the double post...that was weird.

MavisTheFairy13

Hi I completely agree with everyone and the link soberwolf sent to jo frost - I love supernanny! The naughty step works really well for a lot of kids I'm also a big believer in reward charts. And giving kids choices - so rather than battling to get a pair of trousers on him give him the choice of two pairs, once he's chosen it will usually be easier to get them on because he's had some input lol. And getting a structure/routine for the day so he knows what's happening. Kids thrive on discipline and routine and need boundaries to make them feel secure. As for your ex - well he can't just turn up when he feels like it. You need to decide on set days for him to see his son, for your sake and for your son's sake so he knows what's happening. You can do this! I know it's not easy and it's tempting to take the easy way out and let him do what he wants but in the long run you are just making things worse for yourself and him. Set out the boundaries now while he's still little and it won't take long before things improve. Hugs x

Pretend3r

Thanks Mavis. I used to ask my ex constantly for a schedule, now I've accepted that I'm mom and dad, on full time duty, and rather just plan accordingly. I know ultimately, I need to file for custody agreement and child support.

Fly N Buy

There's a system we used for my son - turned from constant battles into peace - quickly. This really works and is simple to understand. Maybe check it out

1-2-3 Magic Parenting

Good luck!

EndGameNYC

You're in a bad place, Pretend3r, and for that I'm sorry.

Toddlers are a handful under the best of conditions. Boys generally learn how to treat women by the examples that their fathers or other dominant male figures set for them, and this begins at a very young age. Mothers also play a role in this fragile process of development by modeling for their sons what they will and will not tolerate from the boy's father or other dominant male figures, and in the ways in which their mothers respond to the men in their lives generally.

Overindulgence is commonplace for parents who are separated or divorced, and the motivations behind it are not always pure (currying favor for one parent over the other, for example), and often misguided (a maladaptive defense against one or the other parent's guilt -- or both -- for example).

Without going into detail that would be excruciating for both of us, I witnessed this firsthand with my XGF and her then-two-year old son. He had thousands of dollars worth of toys, stayed up until as late as 2:00 AM, ate whatever and whenever he wanted to...and on and on. My ex, also a clinical psychologist, told me early on that she feels so guilty that she works late into the night, that she feels she should let him be. (She later denied ever having said this when things came to a head around this issue, which was very quickly.) He had his own nanny, who also indulged him, and his father threw money and toys at him, and basically let him do whatever he wanted to do. Her son stayed with us most of the time, and he was the one who was truly in charge of our home. It was unbearable, and we were bound to separate, drinking or not.

But I digress.

I'm wondering if there is a facility near you where someone can see you as a family, that can give you some of the support that you need, and that you both can afford?

Pretend3r

NYC, I totally see the monster being created and wish my ex would "man up" and take the role of parent / father but I do not believe he has the capacity to do so. He is a narcissist, and any attempt to suggest or discuss anything goes around in a circle and usually ends with him telling me what a horrible, evil person I am. My drinking accelerated during my marriage to him, I couldn't bear to even look at him after so much verbal abuse,. He recently got arrested for trespassing (refused to leave the premesis of restaurant while intoxicated) and misuse of 911 (called the police to complain about the police officers responding to the call, until they hauled him in). Truly, he is a narcissist, and I would be best to get far away as possible. But of course, he is my sons father. Its a really tough situation. I am glad for all the advice and links everyone shared. I can and must implement something consistent to help me and my son have less drama and more calm.