PolarBlue

I thought I'd feel guilty about this, but I really don't.

I went to pick up my things from work and turn in my keys, and took the friend who helped me pick them up out for lunch. So we get to the restaurant and the first thing the waitress does is ask if we'd like to try the drink of the day. So, I went ahead and agreed. I wasn't craving alcohol or anything. Don't know why I agreed.

After the drink was gone I didn't feel right at all. I was kind of dizzy and hot. I kept saying, "My eyes feel like they're sweating." So I ordered a draft beer to see if it would balance me out, and I felt even worse. My heart began beating fast and I just felt "blah". Not a good feeling at all.

Now I'm home and I have no desire to drink. I think my body has finally said, "ENOUGH!". It did the same thing when I used to smoke pot. I stopped for a while, then I felt sick when I tried it again and never went back.

I'm not sure what this says about my health. I'm not sure why the alcohol didn't make me feel good like it normally does. I was the type who could drink all day and all night and enjoy it. Now two drinks does this?

Very odd, but I'm glad I had this reaction. That's not to say I'm safe now so my guard is still up. But the thought of drinking after today puts my stomach in knots. Apparently my body is rejecting it for whatever reason?

Fly N Buy

good!

Hevyn

I hope that'll be it, Polar. We have to be ready - maybe you needed further proof. Good job on putting a halt to it.

Elodie

I hope you keep your guard up. There will always be people and waitresses asking us if we want drinks. There needs to be a plan in place so you can say no.

PolarBlue

True. I honestly think I may have developed an allergy to alcohol. Over the years it's been making me feel worse. I've even developed small kidney stones. But after quitting for almost 2 weeks this time and having a couple, it was a feeling that I've never had. It felt like I was drinking poison and I had to split the beer with my friend. Couldn't even finish it.

Dee74

I often had that reaction PB. It didn't last, unfortunately.
Just sayin'

I'd think about that why some more - it may help in future?

D

Nuudawn

Ya know Polar...I have no idea how to respond to this. Given the fact that you reported being fired from your job for being intoxicated and you seemingly nonchalantly gave in to what some would call a trigger (the server letting you know the drink feature)...um..ya I just don't know.

Um...glad it didn't make you feel good but I'm sorry I'm just a wee bit troubled by the knee jerk drink request to the server..that doesn't appear to trouble you. It comes across as almost dissociative.

I do hope it's as simple as that for you. Hate to be a downer but this is just an extremely perplexing post for me. Sorry.

FreeOwl

I think I know why; because you didn't have an automatic response pre-planned, so your habit response took over.

We have to pre plan, even visualize these things. We are rewiring out brains after long held habits have been deeply ingrained.

I'd think hard and plan it out next time.

Nowsthetime

I think that you knew it is so wrong that your subconscious anxiety made you react negatively to it. I think that is why you felt sick. You're really nonchalant about it and I don't like to hear that coming from you. Did you want to be completely sober or are you thinking about moderating? Your post has AV sprinkled all over it... We are here to give you how see it and yo give you support.

Nowsthetime

I like what FreeOwl said. So true!

Soberwolf

Do you want to be sober ?

PolarBlue

I really don't know what happened today. It's like my mind was in another place. At the time, no I didn't feel any sort of guilt. But now I'm seeing things a little more clearly. I won't lie to myself. I picked that restaurant because I knew they served drinks. I was telling that little voice to shut up and pretending like it wasn't there, but it was.

I KNEW going back into work would do something bad to me. It's one reason why I was dreading it so much. What would I have done if I actually enjoyed the alcohol and didn't feel sick? Would I have went for more? Would I have spent money I don't have on beer on the way home?

It just goes to show now matter how much you think you have it all under control...ugh.

Nuudawn

Thanks for your honesty Polar. Nice work. So pretty much the drink was premeditated.

Now here's the thing...very few people who pick up in sobriety..enjoy it. I think that's the rarity. I didn't enjoy the first one (which became two) when I picked up after 4 months sober. I felt confused and in some sort of warpy slow motion...thought "hmmm...ya won't do that again"..but ya, I did. And I did again..and then again.

You got a plan to stay sober? It ain't easy. It takes work. New input. Drinking is easy...sobriety is not.

3arai

PolarBlue,
I'm not trying to pile on, really I'm not, but you need to get a plan together to manage your anxiety, stay away from triggers, etc. I know, believe me.

I'm very familiar with the delicious signature mixed drinks sold at chain restaurants. Generally, they have 3 servings of alcohol in them. If you had nothing to drink in a week or so, and then you were eating the kind of food served at these places combined with one of these drinks, that's what made you feel sick.

You can manage your anxiety. It takes practice. It's an entire skill set, not a grand epiphany. It can take months to see some improvements, a couple of years to see a great improvement, but it can be done.

PolarBlue

I guess it was premeditated. I was telling myself, "I'll just get an iced tea", but I knew what I really wanted. It was a maybe I will, maybe I won't type of thing. I would have been proud of myself if I made it out of there only having iced tea. Why did I agree to the drink when I wasn't even craving it?

Things are confusing. I don't think I'm physically dependent on it; my body has been rejecting it for the last couple years. Some days were better than others. Usually after the first drink or two I'll get a runny nose or start sneezing. Often followed by stomach pain, bladder pain, increased heart rate. Why the hell does my brain want my body to feel bad?

Soberwolf

when we drink the brain changes in a nutshell.....

we mess our brains to make it think we need alcohol to stay alive

its not the case by not drinking we reverse this process but in my eyes it will never go away

some ppl pick up after 25 years some people pick up after 25 mins

Dee74

There's no logic to addiction - why would someone drink or drug themselves to death?

Yet some do, and I've known my share.

It really is that serious. Maybe it's time to truly accept that PB?

D

Anna

PolarBlue, I don't think it's confusing at all. It's alcoholism, it's addiction, it's what it does to us. There is no logic involved.

PolarBlue

Well, apparently I need to come up with a plan. I guess first of all stay out of bar and grills. Odd I didn't drink anything with my buddy that Friday night, I haven't drank that bottle of Fireball that's still in my cabinet, but that's the place my mind said, "It'll be nice to have a drink here with my meal". No, it wasn't nice. I didn't even get a buzz or anything. Just felt bad mentally and physically. That little voice was saying, "After almost 2 weeks you'll feel great after just one drink." It lied.

I'm not religious anymore - maybe I should be - but it's almost like an evil spirit telling me things that I know are lies. I'm not schizophrenic or anything. At least I hope not.

Shawn4233

This is how I think of it. As a paranormal investigator I hear things from other investigators just how strong demons are if you believe in that. Well I think of the AV as a demon, and when I'm able to outsmart it and do the opposite of what it wants it makes me feel that much stronger.

If any of that makes sense.