Christopher1

My s.o. has abused alcohol for years:when sober she usually misuses medications such as sleepers /painkillers and benzodizipines.It seems to be a never ending cycle. However MY problem is this; I find myself getting angry in a way I do not like and am verbally abusive to her,shouting and saying things that I don't want to believe are coming out of my mouth:I need help because I am hurting her and myself.Underneath I am really scared- her health is not. good and I am so frightened that something will happen to her- I don't know where to turn.

SparkleKitty

Welcome to SR, Christopher. I'm glad you're here, but sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your wife right now is to educate yourself about addiction. It is so easy for loved ones to take someone's addiction personally, and as a result we often become just as sick in our behaviors and thought processes.

If you can get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as possible you will not regret it. There and here we focus on the three C's - we did not Cause our loved one's addiction, we cannot Control it, nor can we Cure it. When we learn to accept this principle, we can move forward to a healthier future.

Sikofit

Plus, read the stickies at the top of the page; there is a lot of good info there.

Sorry about your situation.

Christopher1

Thank you for replying:I did attend a meeting recently(my first) but didn't feel I could say those things there( because I felt ashamed).It's the last "c" that I struggle with ,because I want,with all my heart, to make her better .

SparkleKitty

I know, my friend. We have all been there. It is the hardest thing in the world to accept that we cannot want sobriety on someone else's behalf. Know that every single person in your Al-Anon meeting has felt everything you feel and will not judge you.

Christopher1

Thank you so much for your wise words:I know I cannot do this on my own -nothing seems to make sense and nothing works.I used to feel in control of my life but not anymore.

SparkleKitty

Coming here and talking about it is a great step.

Flavia2

Realizing I wasn't who I wanted to be because of how I reacted to my AH's drinking was "step one" for me, too. That led to the REAL step one (admitting I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable).I also had to forgive myself-I hated myself so much for how I acted and for how much crap I had put up with.
Keep reading & posting. Alanon is a big help too!

AnvilheadII

certain people just don't MIX well.....they instead create a toxic stew...it's not because they aren't worthy, or don't love the other, it's just when you put them together.....bad things happen. and when we realize that, when we find ourselves with someone like that, the best, most loving thing to do, is to step away......BECAUSE we care.

Christopher1

After reading through a number of posts around the site I have come to the realisation that so much of my life is dominated by fear:I have somehow lost the ability to know how to live: this is something I clearly need to re-learn but how? Another thing struck me today; I so much want recovery for my partner but am hardly leading by example when my own life is so unhealthy as a result of all the obsessing over her behaviours.Perhaps the answer to my own question is that I have to do just this-work at it and realise that no one gets better by standing still? I am grateful to have found this site,people seem to have so much awareness and insight ; just reading and posting seems to help to straighten my thoughts out.
What is really bothering me is that I feel I have lost all trust in my partner and don't know how to repair that ; it feels like the light has gone out on our. relationship and that hurts.

Hammer

When you get a little further in, some folks call that the FOG.

Fear
Oligation
Guilt

Hard to see where you are going in the FOG.

boomtruck

Cudos to Hammer. FOG is tough. It is hard to watch those that you love fail---and it hurts. Sooner or later we discover that WE need to be healthy and can only control that part of life. If the other person doesn't want to jump on the train then they are left behind. No easy answers. Moving forward means traveling up and over the mountain, never to have to circle it again. Peace and happiness come when we move forward.

Christopher1

I'm tired of being scared,tired of feeling angry with her,with me-and yes,hating myself for how I feel.Anger,I think, provides me with the feeling that I have some sense of control over things-I don't though and that's where the fear comes in.Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Eauchiche

Dear Christopher
You and I have SO much in common. I have been in AlAnon 6 months, and feel that I am making some progress in not getting so down over my mate.
I have also come to see that my mate is hugely responsible for my own recovery, in that I keep hitting step one over and over again- realizing in new ways that I too am powerless over alcohol.
You are in our thoughts, as well as prayers to my higher power for you.