Soberjoy1

Hi all,
I'm on my 33rd day, and I find that I am feeling blue a lot lately. I think I was hoping that if I quit drinking, my depression would just go away, but it hasn't. I try, but I feel like I am going through the motions.

I used alcohol to distract myself, to keep myself from noticing that the life I was living was not what I wanted. Now, with the booze gone, I see things more clearly, and I have so many regrets. It all makes me tired and sad.

Sorry for this pity party. Days like this are when I used to buy a bottle of bourbon. Instead of doing that, I decided to post about it.

razor15

Great idea to post instead of drink. I'm with you, and in a similar spot, so I understand. I try to think about the wonderful things I can now start to focus on in my life that were put on virtual hold for the last 15 years. We can impact the future!
I'm 20 days sober and also exhausted and sometimes sad. I think my brain is still rebalancing and trust it will get better. Pm me if you want to exchange notes on progress or the future!

Soberjoy1

Thanks, razor15. I will do that. Yes, I don't like to think about all the time I've wasted. But sometimes I do. As you say, better to think about what to do now.

It is early for both of us. I just am impatient, I guess!

razor15

Yes, but I do understand. For me, I mostly think about being better for my kids. Thankfully, they are still relatively young so lots of great years left. I'm so proud of them. :-)
There is so much to do, I just need to get to a place where I can continue to build. I started that 3 weeks ago.
Tell me something you want to achieve in your coming months of sobriety? :-)

biminiblue

I'm glad you posted.

I know I can slip into that thinking if I allow my thoughts to linger.

Regrets are thinking about the past - which we cannot do anything about. All of us fall short of perfection and have to make some compromises in our dreams at times. You can still build the life you will be happy with - one day at a time - as long as you aren't drinking.

I don't know if you've ever been to AA, but I went to meetings for the first few months. I found that the Serenity Prayer cannot be worn out and it works for me for everything.

Try to stay in this moment. Future tripping and regrets are not part of the now.

Soberwolf

Hi Salgal i always compare myself

i open up my hands i say which me is better

the way my life is now on one hand

the way my life was on the other hand

things get a lot clearer the more you keep at it

31 days is great try practicing patience it will help you find the peace you seek

good luck

Soberjoy1

You have a great attitude! Congrats on your three weeks-I am happy for you, that you are getting sober while your kids are young. They will appreciate that, I'm sure. My father died of cirrhosis...wish he could have done it.

Good question. This past month, I had 3 goals-stay sober every day, walk 20 minutes 6 days a week, and go to bed by midnight 6 days a week. I didn't think much further ahead. Finding a job is my most urgent need, so that's what I want to do next. Thanks!

Soberjoy1

Thanks, biminiblue, for the good advice. I have to live right now. The past is gone. Sometimes, it's like my brain runs away from me, and I forget all of that.

I went to one AA meeting, but haven't been back. I probably will, just haven't felt like being around people much. I have been reading a lot, and perhaps too isolated. SR has been a godsend.

I love the serenity prayer. That's what I want- serenity, peace of mind. Thanks again.

Soberjoy1

Thank you, soberwolf! Good idea. Life is better, just not as much as I hoped. But it's a marathon, not a sprint. I am trying to develop patience. Thanks!

razor15

Awesome Salgal! Sobriety, exercise and good sleeps. Also on my list. People talk about a plan here and I didn't really realize I had put one together by setting goals and setting myself up for success. I think I'm unconsciously applying my work training. :-)
Anyways, those are great goals. The walks do wonders for attitude too. I have paths nearby that take me through some nice woodlands (for a suburb...lol).
Keep at it!

Soberjoy1

Yes, walking helps a lot, doesn't it? Especially in nature. I used to walk an hour a day, I am slowly working back up to that. I go to a nearby state park, and walk down the beach as often as possible. Love to walk barefoot.

I need to add some more things to my plan. I am sure if I was working, I would feel better. And I need some sober friends. Those are my two big goals. Freud said love and work are the two things we need to be happy.

Thanks everyone for responding. Just writing and talking has lifted my mood already.

DrunkTx

A couple of things I love about sobriety besides the obvious:
- I can actually stay awake past 9pm. There are some funny late night talk shows - who knew
- Went to a football game, got home at 1:30. Did a 55mile bike ride at 7am the next morning
- ability to see that all those things plaguing me weren't going away by drinking. Quite the contrary, by not dealing, all I did was defer the problem that got exponentially worse.

If the point isn't clear - everything is better sober, even just sitting around late at night. It's all perspective. The way I see it, I gave myself a huge handicap when I drank. Today, whatever I'm doing or not doing, I'm 100% more effective at it.

Soberjoy1

Thanks, DrunkTx. Things are better sober. Going to sleep instead of passing out is nice. I am the opposite of you though. When I drank, I could easily stay up until 2 or 3. Now I am in bed earlier. I am looking forward to feeling better, as the days add up. Thanks!

courage2

I'm glad you posted, Salgal.

Patience for change is a skill that you have to practice in sobriety -- we want big changes, but that's part of alcoholic thinking. "Baby steps" are the most consistently useful 2 words I've learned in sobriety.

During your walks, try to focus on really seeing the natural world around you. Walking meditation. Even a few minutes of complete attention to the present can make a day better, and help you keep regrets about the past and worries for the future where they belong -- in the distance.

Soberjoy1

Thanks, courage2. Baby steps is my new mantra. That addictive, somewhat immature, possibly ADD brain of mine wants it, and wants it now! But I am learning new habits, and it takes time. Sometimes I feel that I am learning things at 45 that most people learn when they are teenaged.

Dee74

Hi SalGal

I think depression is a part of early recovery for a lot of us...my entire life changed...that takes some adjusting.

I hope you'll feel batter as the sober days go on, but do see your Dr if you think you need help.

Soberjoy1

Thanks, Dee74,

I think you are right-part of early recovery, and just part of the cycles of life. I can't speak for all addicts, but whenever I felt uncomfortable, I reached for something-a drink, food, some distraction. I am trying to learn how to just accept the emotion, instead of pushing it down with booze.

PurpleKnight

Early days still, took me a few months to get the spring back in my step!!

The body/mind can't wipe away years of drinking in a month, it's going to take time!!

Hang in there!!

Anna

Salgal, it sounds like you're doing well. And planning to do more walking/exercising and to try to meet some sober friends are both great ideas. I hope your depression will clear up as days go by. If it doesn't, maybe you could talk to your dr.

Soberjoy1

Thanks, Purpleknight and Anna. Patience is a virtue, but it's one I lack. I've got to work on that. I drank this weekend and I feel like crap. I am so disappointed in myself. But I'm starting again, and I think I need to do a few things different this time.