Sikofit

So, I've read and heard about alcoholism being a "progressive disease." Can anyone enlighten me about this?

I've been married to AH for 25+ years. He gave up drinking for 8 of them, a year after we married. I've chosen to stay, have worked hard to detach, make sure I don't enable him, etc.

But I came home from work tonight and found him in bed, passed out. I knew that would be the case--he went to an MLB day game. The problem is that, for the 2nd time in about a month, he got sick in the bathroom-- this time in the sink, partly. There had been feeble attempts to clean it up, but...no.

So, as I did last time, I woke him out of his drunken stupor and watched him clumsily clean up to the point where I can at least use the bathroom. Tomorrow I will ask him to clean more thoroughly, wash rigs, etc. and he'll do it.

My question is, for those of you who've been here, as the drinker or the spouse--what more should I expect? Is this what is meant by a "progressive disease?" Does it just get grosser?? He's never peed in weird places...sometimes wanders on the way to the bathroom, but has always found it.

I'm not sure I can take this! It makes me gag.

Thanks for any insight.

BoxinRotz

He could certainly get worse in all aspects of drinking like getting sick, not wanting to bathe, becoming abusive verbally, mentally, physically, emotionally, not caring, losing job, losing home, losing family, losing his life. Progressive is just another word for getting worse. But, he can also get better. Its ultimately his choice on which way he goes. The longer he drinks, the more he'll lose his will, hence the progressive nature of the disease. This is just my observations of living with an alcoholic. My A hadn't experienced all of these but I'm sure he could have. My A is currently in recovery.

hopeful4

All sorts of horrible things can happen. The potential health problems are huge. The gross factor is also huge. Only you can decide how much to tolerate.

FireSprite

The "progression" IMO is the gradual but certain march toward higher & higher physical dependency on the alcohol. Once in the higher dependency "zone" a non-supervised detox can be medically dangerous to the individual. As the physical dependency grows, changes in behavior like you describe will likely follow. No telling how each individual will respond when pushed to these limits, but the astounding thing IMO is just how much punishment the human body will tolerate during this process, both physically & mentally.

Woodman123

This pretty much sums it up. My late wife went from point A to Z in a matter of a couple years. Like others have said, it depends on your tolerance, but make no mistake, best to assume it will get worse beyond your current comprehension, unless of course he COMMITS to a recovery plan and life of total sobriety. Best wishes to you!

Sikofit

Thanks to all. I guess I knew that, but I'm like the frog in the hot water, you know? He did it once, and I thought, "Well, that's unusual for him!" Now I'm wondering if this will be a common thing.

I guess I need to re-adjust my expectations of what I can put up with.

hopeful4

That's part of the problem. As a codependent a person keeps adjusting their line in the sand which means the addict will keep pushing it further and further. You need to define some clear boundaries and be prepared to stick to them. They can be simple, I won't be here with you if your drinking, or you cannot be here when you are drinking. Come back when your sober.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

AnvilheadII

I guess I need to re-adjust my expectations of what I can put up with.

how much worse does it have to get? passed out drunk by the time you get home from work after having vomited all over the bathroom. for the second time THIS MONTH.

Sikofit

I know, Anvil. Believe me--that's what sent me back to posting here...It's definitely not acceptable.

The kids are out of the house; thinking of turning their 2 rooms, connected by a bathroom, into MY room and just letting him have the master. I really don't want to divorce and have to scrimp to get by.

Since I couldn't discuss this latest incident with him last night, and he bounced out of bed today bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for work (he gets up about 4 hours earlier than me), this conversation will have to wait until later. I work until 9 again.

And I know, there's not a real discussion, per se, to be done. Just me telling him what my new boundaries are going to be.

Sungrl

I really don't want to divorce and have to scrimp to get by.


Really?? There must be some way you can get the hell outta there and not be on the streets. You may need to adjust your lifestyle accordingly, but
wouldn't that be totally worth it???

NYCDoglvr

As a recovering alcoholic (almost 23 years!) I've experienced the progression. In my 20's occasionally I got falling down drunk but for the most part functioned normally. I didn't drink alone and only socially. In my 30's I gradually became a daily drinker (for no particular reason, it just crept up) and by the time I stopped drinking I was consuming a magnum of wine every day and always drank alone. Constant blackouts. It's just the way the disease works on its own and there's no willpower that will reverse or control it. Alcoholism is classified as a mental illness (it's not a disease of the elbow, lol) and it's easy to see why. Alcoholics can not drink but once we pick up a drink we have no control over how much we drink or what happens next.

hopeful4

Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

AnvilheadII

ok ,so what you are saying is that you are willing to endure living under unacceptable conditions because it's financially more convenient. that's the price you are willing to pay to not have to anything different, except maybe now repurpose one of the kids rooms. you're choosing to live with a vomit stained bathroom......

relying on a long term hard core alcoholic for your financial solvency is a recipe for disaster.....one lost job, one vehicular manslaughter, one liver exploding....and it all comes a tumblin' down.

i'm curiious just WHAT these new boundaries?

Sikofit

Good points, all. Didn't someone just say here how easier it is to read someone else's story and know what the best thing to do is--I'm sure guilty of that myself.

Yeah--my new boundary needs to be that he quits drinking. You're all right.

He called me a bit ago, after work. Of course, he said he wanted to apologize. I told him something that he used to always tell our kids when they were in school. They'd get a bad grade and he'd say to them "Actions speak louder than words. You can keep telling me how much you're studying, but the grades don't show it." So I told him the same thing. That he'd told me last time he'd "cut down." And I told him then it was just words.

Yep--I need to set the firm boundary. I need to pull up my big girl pants and be ready to move out and on if he won't agree to treatment. I suggested meetings...he pooh-poohed that (He's only ever been to one or 2; I'm sure he doesn't believe in them, even though he is very religious).

Keep telling me this, ok?

hopeful4

You are absolutely right on both counts. It is MUCH easier to say it on here than to actually follow through. Totally understand. That is why I say make boundaries you can actually keep. Addicts are like naughty preschoolers, if you don't stick to your word they will take you for a ride every time.

Secondly, you are right that it is actions, not words. For him and for yourself. Only you can decide what you are and are not willing to deal with and make boundaries for yourself from there.

I encourage you for those boundaries to be for YOU, not him. It's not very likely you can make him stop drinking. You can however say, I am going to go stay elsewhere if you are actively drinking. Or you can say I am not going to be near you if you are drinking. If you say we are getting a divorce b/c you drink, be ready in your mind, and in your finances, to get a divorce. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

Tight hugs.

meggem

I'm still a newbie but one thing poppped in my mind when reading your post. When my soon to be ex ('sober' 11 months, but was still abusive and had the same personality as he did when he was drunk) went to rehab and I went for the family day, the counselor lady started to say that "You're probably sitting here thinking my loved one never stole money, he's not that bad" "My loved one never lost his job, his addiction isn't that bad" - "My loved one never hit me" and she went on and on to all of these things that you could be thinking hasn't happened that could lead you to believe the addiction really wasn't "that big of a deal"

Then she said "Yet" Whatever you want to say your loved one hasn't done to justify their addiction, add the word "yet". It hasn't happened yet. She was trying to drive the point home that the disease is progressive and while it could take days weeks or even years for it to get worse, if not treated it was only a matter of time before the loved one would be able to check everything off the list of what could happen as a result of their addiction.

I never forgot that. In fact, at the time, I was hoping to save my marriage and as I look back I think that was one piece of information that helped me leave.

Sikofit

Loving this info; thanks again. It helps me so much.

And NYC--congrats on almost 23 years!

We have a planned trip coming up there in November...and I can just hear AH's justification for being able to drink while he's there ("but it's all part of the experience..."). Yet, seemed to me that overdrinking in those cafes in Italy last year was just like overdrinking in the crappy bars around home.

I need to start setting MY boundaries now.

maia1234

Sikofit, I see myself in you with all you have said. Wednesday will be my 26 year anniversary, 34 years together. I am currently waiting for my attorney to mail me my divorce papers. It is so hard going through with this divorce, but he is not the man I married. I don't even know who this man that I am living with is, and I sure as hxll don't like him.

We both have decided that since I want him to stop drinking and he feels there is no issue that we need to go our separate ways. We have pledged our love for each other but we are both stubborn enough after all these years to accept our reality. We said maybe when we are older and "smarter" we can revisit our marriage. That's about it....

He is very social (of course) and keeps himself busy in the bars, no dui yet. I try every day to find something to do. I do sit home quite a bit and feel sorry for myself. They say the pain is part of the process, so you learn what not to do again. House is up for sale and trying to look ahead for the unknown.

I sit and look at all these people who talk about there A's and I feel their pain. But after this many years together, I can say that I gave my marriage everything, and it didn't matter. Alcohol and drugs won, they get to keep him. I wished when my kids were younger I pushed him get help, or kicked him out. I think he would have done it then, because he loved the kids and wanted to be around them. Now that they are gone, why does he want to stay with just me. My mistake. Oh well.

Sorry to be such a bummer, but they suck everything out of you and then keep taking more. Don't get yourself that upset tonight because he will do it again, as he has no control over what he does anymore. He's an alcoholic and that's what they do.

Sikofit

Oh Maia...my heart breaks reading that. It all sounds so familiar...

Yes, mine is very social, too. And hasn't had a DUI since before we were married...of course, I drive home after almost all events...another example of co-dependency, I guess.

I work full time, and have a very supportive and involved family, so I'm not too worried I'd be isolated.

Thank you for sharing; please keep in touch.

jarp

I've been with my AH for 7 years...in that time he's gone from being a big earning exec, that no one had a bad word to say about, was kind, funny, well dressed, looked after himself, good looking etc etc

Fast forward to now...he's just lost that high income job, hes unemployed, we are in a financial nightmare as we lived to his income level, he cant remember to wash, shower, shave, goes days without eating, his looks have changed, he drinks all the, wets himself, is sometimes faecally incontinent, has most likely damaged his brain....

His sister hasnt seen AH in about 6 months and went to pick him up to take to detox yesterday. She is very detached from him, but rang me crying....she cant believe the change in him...she said she felt like she was picking up an end stage, homeless alcoholic. She couldnt believe the smell. Not the man she last remembered who was always so well groomed, intelligent, well regarded in the business community, renowned for what he did....

Although he degenerated gradully over the 7 years...the most rapid has been in the last year. That progression when it happens...is FAST in my experience.

And living in financial comfort - thats a wish built on sand.....for me that has crumbled in teh matter of weeks.