LadyM87

I made it from August 13, 2014 to September 6, 2014 with no contact to my ex.

He showed up at my door. Un-invited and unannounced. I put on a brave front and shooed him away. I was with friends. But it shook me to my core. I was shaking so I had a drink to calm down. I attempted to enjoy the rest of my evening with my friends but I just couldn't. I wondered what had brought him to my door, and if he was ok? He claimed he had money for me, but when I asked him to show the money he didn't have it – but he was starting a new job and wanted to pay me back what he owes me. I had let go of the money already for time. I had began to move on with my life. Not looking for a relationship but enjoy mild flirtations with a few men to boost my self-esteem a little, looking forward, positive into my future- but a void still existed – it’s almost as if his presence was calculated – see the week prior I had been missing him in the mornings – he wasn’t all bad, he used to wake me up each morning with a coffee, and rub my back, he’d make me breakfast n send me off to work in a good mood (when things were good…)

So after the friends had left, I began slipping… I downloaded an app on my phone that would change my number …. I texted him…. I asked if he was OK and he called me, I yelled at him, I told him I hated him and he told me he just wanted to make me smile like had once before… he said all he had to offer me was sex but he knows I’m a horndog… he knows I love the way he ***** me.

Being slightly intoxicated, I caved almost immediately, I told him – fine, just sex no ********. We spent an amazing night together, he tried to tell me he was getting better, I pushed it away… he tried to tell me he was sorry and he loved me and I dismissed it. The next day he dropped me off and I left it at that. The sex was great and I felt good … god knows why… but that wasn’t the last of it… The next day he msgd me, “this song from me to you – Feel the Effect – Tokyo Police Club” …. **** man- brought tears to my eyes.

We talked on and off for the next week or so – even argued a little – because there is no way in hell I’d forgive him for all the **** he had done to me (lie, cheat, steal, abuse etc…), and I left it. I left it alone – and I deleted the app so he couldn’t contact me. Come the weekend I became curious, and again he had sent me more songs, pulling on my heartstrings. He invited me over to his house and I went like a fool, he made me dinner and we had amazing sex all night long again.

And again all week we msgd on and off, and again we argued a little. Finally I told him to stay away from me I couldn’t handle this and he needed to stop – he insisted he had my best interest at heart… we argued a little and I left I alone and low and behold he showed up at my door, this time with money. I sat in his car with him for an hour, listening to his antics about how he wanted to give me the best of him, and as he finds the best of him he will give it to me, he insisted he loves me and slowly he’s becoming the better person I deserve from him, that all he wants is to make me smile, all he wants to give me what I deserved from him all along. Saturday night, I gave him a text a quote I really enjoyed to show my support (and cause I’m ******* sucker….)

“do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.” Ayn Rynd

… amazing author and an amazing quote for those battling addictions… that message spiraled into a whole convo about him being depressed and alone, he seemed drunk. He missed my cat- he always did have a special bond with that cat, and the cat misses him … I know he does… so he asked if he could have the cat for a week. I said no, I said he could come visit but it wouldn’t be fair to my kitty to confuse him like that. (plus I don’t trust my ex at all to return the cat...) So Sunday morning he shows up – and jumps into bed with me… we did not have sex this time. I let him play with the cat and …. The cat was not as forgiving as I was, he was hesitant and as much as I knew shadow missed my ex, he was very standoffish and would not go to him as he once did.

He took me for breakfast, and dropped me back off at home. My texting app started glitching and sending him msgs I had already sent and that’s when **** hit the fan – I told him a few weeks ago, I hated him and couldn’t believe how selfish he had been and the glitchy app resent this message and so started the biggest fight….

I need him out of my life – one day he loves me the next day he hates me…. One day he promises the world but the next day he’s drunk all over again.

How can I let go of this? How can I get rid of him? I’m such a wreck because of him. I KNOW that I need to cut all contact but it is hard. Soooo hard… before all I did was change my number and knew not to msg him from my phone cause then he’d have my number but now that there’s this APP on my phone… even when I delete it, all I have to do is redownload it and sign in and I can see any msgs or calls I’ve missed since the last time I downloaded… I need strength … I even told myself this morning “DO NOT LOG INTO THE APP UNLESS U WANT TO FEEL LIKE SHIT…..” I lasted til about 10:00 AM and off we went again in our vicous text wars,…. He pisses me off so much…. He calls me delusional and unbalanced because I have trouble understanding how he could do all these awful things to me and then come tell me he loves me…. Like I want to let go, I NEED to let go but I can’t.

I feel doomed. I feel so doomed that I will never ever get over this guy – because I see beyond his mental illness, I see beyond his addiction and alcoholism…. I see him for who he is underneath it all but that’s not who he is…. He’s the diamond in rough, but the rough is alcohol and cocaine, and it makes him so ****** up and I can’t stand around for this ride…. I hate how he flips things and makes it MY fault…. That I’m the one that is NOT sane, I’m the one that is CRAZY …. I know I’m not perfect, I know I’m not the picture of mental health….. but I’m not wrong here… he’s nuts… .he’s up and down always with his games…

I pull away and he comes begging me for more….I give in and appease his ego and he yells at me like I’m garbage because I won’t forgive him for how he treated me. He lacks responsibility and he WILL NOT CHANGE. Why do I constantly do this to myself? WHY do I keep letting him in? Why am I already so tempted to download this APP and talk to him …. How can I stay away? How I can avoid him? What does it take … Please I know I’m not alone….. how do you get rid of them?!?!? How Do I heal??? How do I move on??? I know the answer – NO CONTACT but how to accomplish this?? It’s just driving me insane…. I feel so ashamed and ****** about myself…. What will it take for me to realize? This dude may care about me but ultimately everything he says and does is clouded by his addictions….. everything … and that means he will eliminate me when I’ve served my purpose. He will use and abuse to no end. And it’s my own damn fault for letting him back in time and time again. Please how do we cope? How do we move on? How do we rebuild???

biminiblue

one day at a time.

one day at a time don't open the app.

one day at a time don't contact him.

one day at a time find healthy ways to spend your time.

you can do anything for one day.

it gets easier. one day at a time.


That is, it gets easier if you put down your addiction completely and totally.

hopeful4

Honestly, the only way you will move forward is when you let go and have no contact.

I am sorry you are struggling.

XXX

SeriousKarma

I'm sorry you're miserable LadyM87, but honestly why does it matter that you had great sex? That's just adding a bunch of fluff to your story. Your relationship with him isn't really that unique. Believe it or not many of us have had sex with alcoholics. They know how their parts work just like non-alcoholics. Sometimes they're quite proficient at it. Do you want to be with him or not? If you do, great, more power to you. If not, then start working a program of self recovery. You know how to do it. Use your phone to find a therapist and the nearest Alanon group instead of downloading silly apps.

Dojang

Wow, I could have written this post. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is. Please find some support (Al Anon, therapy) to help you stay strong. I have saved only his nasty texts & emails and deleted all the nice ones. I read those when I'm feeling weak.

dandylion

Dear Lady....if you really want to wash that man out of your hair.....

You will need all the support that you can get for yourself...
You will need a program for healing.......

For starters.....
Educate yourself.....there are the Stickies at the top of this main page...lots of inspiration and support there for you. There is recommended reading material also.
Read the stories of others here, on SR.....there are hundreds and hundreds...
Therapy....alanon.....a personal therapist.....a woman's support group....
No contact.....(of course).

The sooner you get started...the better....

dandylion

atalose

Your a wreck because of YOUR own ill decision regarding him. Once you stop blaming him and start focusing on you and all of your why's then your healing can begin.

AnvilheadII

I pull away and he comes begging me for more….I give in and appease his ego and he yells at me like I’m garbage because I won’t forgive him for how he treated me. He lacks responsibility and he WILL NOT CHANGE. Why do I constantly do this to myself? WHY do I keep letting him in?

this is your DANCE - come here - go away. and it will not stop until one partner leaves the dance floor, walks out of the dance hall, and does not come back.

one day he loves me the next day he hates me…. One day he promises the world but the next day he’s drunk all over again. you feed on the brief honeymoon of good feelings....your ego gets stroked - he LOVES me, he will pluck the moon and stars from the heavens and lay them at my feet. and it makes you feel POWERFUL. but and this is a big but.....in order to GET that charge, you have to endure the disappointment and abuse. package deal.

so you have to let it all go. NO contact. NO texts. NO phone calls. No nuthin. one day at a time. we are often our own worse enemy, by wallowing in self induced victimology.

NYCDoglvr

Maybe it helps to realize that alcoholics will go to great lengths hang on to their enablers. You're listening to his words without looking at his real message: he doesn't care enough to do something about his drinking. To get in a program and work at sobriety. Do you trust and respect him? Even like him? I know it's nice to hear flattering words and not be alone, but the price is just too high.

Kboys

I don't know the answer to your questions, but I feel the the same things. But my AH has not yet totally moved out. I was so proud of myself the other day for making him leave, and I finally thought "this time" I really mean it, and I did. That was five days ago. And then this morning I SUGGESTED that he go home, just for a little while, to get over his withdrawals. I didn't even try to talk myself out of if, I just did it. And now I am SO ANGRY with myself. Why would I do that?
When I am feeling strong, the things that help me are to think about all the most horrible things he has ever done / said to me. That helped the last few days to not allow him back in, and to not feel guilty for it... but then somehow I just forgot all that, and now I'm angrier than ever and feel so stupid and like I have missed my opportunity... I was doing so well...

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm with you, and it sucks

fluffyflea

Delete the app. Change your number.