legna

For those who I have not had the privilege to meet yet, a little background information: My name is Angel and I am an addict. In May, I celebrated twenty-two years clean and sober. My wife came home from prison after twenty-four years in 2011. Upon coming home, she relapsed. Tomorrow she celebrates a year clean and sober herself. Which is probably everything you need to know to make sense of what follows...

About a year ago, Superman ran into some kryptonite. That's me by the way - Superman. I was diagnosed with a number of nasty issues including myasthenia gravis, chronic kidney disease, spinal stenosis, fibromyalgia... there are thirteen all together. I can no longer work and social security disability hasn't been approved yet.

But what a learning experience this has been! I have always been the last line of defense against disaster. This is not to discount my HP at all, but there's my stuff and HP's stuff - and I've always upheld my part of the bargain. Times are tough and I need to work 100 hours a week? I got this. I've got the flu but the kids need to get to soccer practice? Not a problem - and while I'm out, let me pick up the dry cleaning.

I was my wife's safety net in ways that I never realized. I also realized that I had so much of my worth tied up in what I could do instead of just be.

She got a job when I became unable to work. It was part time but it was something. Not enough, but I can't help. Then a second part time job - up to thirty hours a week. Still not enough and I still can't help. She traded both of those jobs in for a single job at thirty hours a week. Then she lost her hours when her parole officer came into her work and informed the manager that she was on parole. She went from thirty hours a week to seven. I can't help.

Her boss tried to get her to quit so he wouldn't have to pay unemployment and harassed the heck out of her. I would have put up with it to feed my family, but that was only after quitting a few such jobs in my teens and twenties and figuring out pretty quickly that seven hours of harassment and a full belly is better than no harassment and no food. She's had to learn those sort of things on the fly - no room for error and no help from me.

She's done great. Me, not as well. I'm holding up and all but it is difficult. Most days I can't cook for myself. Showers are sporadic as I can manage them. She's now working two jobs - one forty hours a week and another one fifteen hours a week. She works thirteen hours a day between two jobs and I sit here and wait for her to come home and cook herself something to eat if she has the strength because I can no longer do it for her.

Dealing with feelings of uselessness, worthlessness...knowing it's all bunk, feeling it anyway. It is fascinating though...seeing what views I had about myself and figuring out who I am all over again as I get to know this new me. This new broken me - broken in all new ways...and a couple of old ones.

GardenMama

Well, Superman, it sounds like you married Wonder Woman. Blessings on you both. I am sorry to hear about your illnesses/disability. I can only imagine the "spiritual growth opportunity" this situation is providing! My heart goes out to you for strength and perseverance.

zoso77

Hey...

Congrats on 22 years of recovery. I'm sorry that the past year has been so difficult in so many ways. Please keep us abreast as to how you're doing and allow us to give you support when you have need.

God Bless.

greeteachday

I've been fortunate in my life to not have too many instances yet where I have been ill for an extended period, but I do know that in those times, it was easy to become depressed. I think part of that, for me is about control - that powerless feeling when one's health is at least to a good degree out of one's hands.

I truly feel for you - I'm sure it is quite a struggle. I'm glad you have solid recovery skills to fall back on - I find they apply to all aspects of my life. I'd probably be working a gratitude list daily (probably multiple times a day) to make sure I focused on the good instead of the truly lousy health issues.

You sound like despite all that is going on in your life, you and your wife are handling things well - my good thoughts and prayers are with you! You aren't broken - you are just a different model than you were before - I hope you can make it the best yet!

mejo

I just read your story, and I am amazed. Great read and BTW, I could not stop reading. Very cool. Love stories of hope.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ory-legna.html

FeelingGreat

legna, it sounds like being needed was just what your wife was waiting for, so something good has come out of adversity. I hope your health improves soon.

hopeful4

I am very sorry you are dealing with such health issues. I also wish to congratulate you on your sobriety.

It seems to me your wife is working really hard, that's a blessing. Do you qualify for anyone coming in to help you by chance?

I wish you both all the best, I hope your health improves very soon!

legna

Today the wife celebrates one year clean and sober - I'm soooo proud of her. Unfortunately, we just got the call that her father is not expected to live through the night and we are on our way down to see him and say good-bye. Be back in a few days.

hopeful4

I am so sorry to hear that. You and your wife are in my prayers.