Teddysgirl

Hello everyone! I am new here! first of all I want to thank each and every one of you who take the time to read this post and offer help or opinions. It helps so much to know I am not alone.

I was with my AXBF for 5 years. And I found out two years ago he was a heroin addict after he stole $3500 from me. I gave him another chance after he went to rehab. After a while, I broke up with him for another guy (bad I know). and he relapsed. He robbed his aunt's house and stole money off her and went to jail. He got out of there and went to rehab and came home again. (to his parents house). Long story short, it didn't work out with the guy I was with, so I got back together with my AXBF. I figured it was my fault he relapsed in the first place because I broke up with him. I thought I could save him.

Things were great til about June this year. He had a great job and was making good money. And actually always had money. Then he got back into contact with an old "friend" he used to do heroin with. It was a wrap after that. Then in July I found out I was pregnant with his child. I knew something wasn't right with him. He was so mean to me, calling me every name in the book, never wanted to be with me. Blamed me for being a hormonal B-word as the reason he didn't want to be around me. etc. Then finally in the beginning of September, he got caught by his father with heroin paraphernalia and went back to jail.

I have no choice but to let him go. But before he went to jail he threatened to take me to court for my baby. I honestly don't want anything to do with him now. I don't want him on the birth certificate, I don't want him in our lives. But if he gets clean for the millionth time. Takes me to court, will the judge grant him visitation because he is clean?! He has multiple drug charges on his record. And if they do, what if he stays clean for a while and does well like he always does, but then decides to relapse. LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES. It's almost like I can predict what will happen.

I realize this is a quick version of what has gone on in the past two years of my life. There is a lot more so if anyone has any questions please feel free to ask! Again I appreciate anyone's input or suggestions, especially if you have been through this sort of thing yourself. I'm constantly worried about my little one!

ladyscribbler

I wouldn't worry too much about his threats. My alcoholic ex made a lot of the same noise, but the reality is that an active addict is not capable of following through on something like that. From a legal standpoint, it is nearly impossible for one parent to "take away" a child from the other parent, especially with his history of addiction and jail time.
You are doing a lot of future tripping over something that is far in the future. Your baby isn't born, your ex is in jail and it is a long shot that he will clean up enough to follow through on anything. If he does, and he's not on the birth certificate, there will have to be a paternity test. Same deal with child support. Leaving his name off the birth certificate is not a guarantee of anything, and it will make it difficult for you to apply for child support, medicaid, etc.
Your ex is going to do what he is going to do. All you can do is take care of yourself, get plenty of rest, eat well and keep stress to a minimum.
Not being married gives you a tremendous advantage, custody-wise. I have an informal arrangement with my ex's parents which lets them spend time with my son. My ex can go over during these visits if he is sober. We live in different states so it is easy for me to limit the contact my son has with the drunken ex. My ex contributes to this by continuing to drink and progress and deteriorate. He is not functional enough to follow through on any type of custody fight. He does send me child support. The money comes from his VA disability payments. It's not a fortune, but it helps.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board, TG. You've come to the right place, and a good place.

Others will be by to greet you, but as is my wont, I've got a couple things I'd like to share.

First off, I know your pregnancy was not something you planned, but I would look at it as a gift. One to treasure, and one to protect.

Oh, reeeeeeeally?

Let's get this straight. He has stolen $3500 from you, he has stolen from his aunt and went to jail as a result, got clean, gave himself permission to get in touch with an "old friend", started using, and then is back in the clink after being caught with heroin paraphernalia by his father. Based on this, what chance do you think he has in court?

Let him make all the threats that he wants. They are but words. And while I wouldn't recommend laughing in his face when he postures like this, I would encourage you to consider the source.

Your primary concern from this moment on is protecting yourself and your unborn child. What your AXBF does or doesn't do really isn't your concern. As you've noted, he's got a track record, and you can predict with a high degree of certainty what he's going to do. The fact that he has been verbally abusive towards you speaks volumes about his character.

There's one other thing I'd like to address:

This is simply not true. He relapsed because he chose to relapse. Just like he chose to try heroin in the first place. He has made the wrong decisions time after time, and when you make poor decisions like he has, you end up where he is: jail.

There are other members who have been in a place similar to where you are. I'm sure they will pipe up soon. Pay attention to what they share with you.

And remember: you and your baby come first.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

maia1234

I think that you are trying to answer a lot of questions right now that you don't have to. I think that you should take one day at a time and worry about you and the baby today. What happens tomorrow will happen if you want it to or not. You don't have to worry "when" he gets out, as it is really none of your business.

I know he's the baby Daddy, but I think any judge knowing his history would not send an infant to spend time with him, unsupervised. Take some deep breaths, stop worrying (if you can) and only make decision that you need to make today.

Don't force a solution, if you don't have too.

bluehour

Save up and get a good lawyer. Really.

I know we all want to poo poo his threats, but the court system doesn't just vary state by state, it varies county by county. The county I live in, he could walk out of jail and have 50/50 custody 3-6 months later. One county over, not so much.

If he can't sign the paternity papers, he can't be on the birth certificate, here in CA. is that how it is where you are?

The first steps you take in a custody case are the most important. It is very hard to get something back in court once you have lost it. You will not be able to cut him out completely if he (or his family) really wants to be involved. If his family has money you can get screwed.

So minimize the possible damage as soon as possible, get a good lawyer, not a cheap one. I don't care if you have the money, find it. Beg borrow steal. This is your child we are talking about. Until he gets it together keep him as far away as possible.

Teddysgirl

Thank you so much, all of your posts make me feel so much better. The only reason I worry is because he has his aunt wrapped around his finger. She ended up dropping the burglary charges. She keep telling me now that she will forever walk this path with him no matter what. So if he begged her, she would totally give him money to come after me and my child. I know, I am worrying about things I don't have to or shouldn't right now. My mother tells me the same thing. I just wouldn't even want supervised visitation with him, Ugh. This is honestly the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. I don't think I've ever cried so much.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome. It's not very likely he will get clean from H unless he is working a program and dedicates himself to it each day for the rest of his life. That's a big commitment.

For today, take care of yourself. Realize you did not make him relapse. That's not possible. You and your baby have every right to a bright and happy future! Document everything in case you would ever need it and move on in a happy life.

zoso77

TG,

From the heart...your focus should be on yourself and your unborn baby. Anything and everything else is just noise.

There is nothing you can do about your AXBF. Just like you had no power over his addiction, you have no power over his actions.

Worry about the things you can control.

Teddysgirl

Thank you zoso. I have always been a worrier. And an anxious person. Honestly since he has been in jail, my anxiety and stress has gone down a lot. Probably because he isn't able to make threats at me or verbally abuse me. Oh, he was so good at that. The things he would say to me....the unimaginable word you never call a woman...that's what I was called. It's so nice not to hear those things anymore. He hurt me deeply and it still hurts. But it is getting easier every single day I think.

bluehour

The custody battle I am going through has been the longest, hardest thing to get through in my life. we have been doing this for 13 years. it is still a constant struggle with his dad.

Another thing I forgot to clarify - the more involved he is from the get go, the more reason the courts will have a reason to keep him involved.

Cut and run. It's not nice, but the baby needs you, not overnights with his aunt. Because that is what will happen, she will help him get custody and end up babysitting for him when it's his nite. I have seen this so many times in my circle of friends, it's not just my situation I am speaking from.

Cut and run. He has made it easier for you by being in jail. Maybe find a job somewhere else, or enroll in school, start financial aid. Educate yourself on the different counties' family law courts, and try to establish a residence and therefore a case in a more mom friendly county, if necessary.

I know I sound dramatic, but I am just telling you the things I wish someone had told me.
This is not only for 18 years, it is for life. just think. for 18 years you and he will have to deal with each other's choices, relocations, job schedules, spouses, new children.... you need to get the upper hand out of the gate to keep your freedom from him. He (or his family) can control you through that child, and that effects everything for you.

ladyscribbler

That peace is such a relief. It felt weird at first, and I would be anxious because for once there was nothing to worry about, but I got used to it and now I can't imagine going back to that chaos of drama and threats and abuse.
Alanon helped me a lot. Have you tried any Naranon or Alanon meetings? Having face to face support is a huge help with that anxiety.
I also went no contact with him and his family for several months right after I left. They were making a lot of threats about custody and ranting about grandparents' rights, calling me names, cursing at me.
I have since mended fences with his parents, for my son's sake, and I never cut off their contact with him. They had to experience the brunt of his addiction for themselves before they could accept what a huge problem my ex has. All my cleaning up and enabling kept them from seeing the truth for a long time.

Teddysgirl

Ladyscribbler, I feel like I need to do the same thing, cut off ties with his family too. I feel like a little part of them...his parents, and his aunt...feel like they can control his addiction or help him or whatever. I guess I finally woke up after this last time and realized that I cannot save him. His aunt keeps reiterating to me and everyone else "I will walk this path with him until the day I die." "I will do whatever it takes to help him." Now I'm thinking...okay...you keep doing that and letting yourself get hurt in the process while he continues to follow the same pattern he's been following for the past two years. Doesn't make sense to me at all. I have had enough. Even if he does get and stay clean, I want to stick to my guns and stay away from him. I just cannot imagine living life every single day worrying "is he gonna use again?" "is today gonna be the day I get my heart broken again?" I cannot do it anymore. I don't know if its an extra boost because I am pregnant and don't want my child to go through the same pain I have gone through. He has just exhausted me.

I don't want to keep my child from his family, they have never done anything wrong to me, but be there for me through the pain, as they were sharing the same pain as I was. But at the same time, they will never leave HIS side. They keep saying they will be there for me no matter what. But how can you be there for him AND me when I want nothing to do with him? I don't know. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be in this situation. My baby is a blessing and I already love him or her more than anything. But the father makes things almost unbearable! And this is a man I used to love with all my heart and would have went to the moon and back for.

Teddysgirl

Bluehour I'm trying to keep him as uninvolved as possible. I'm so sorry for your struggle. I will have a lawyer, no doubt about that. I have a very supportive family. I just hope the judge see's it the way I see it through all his relapses that he is no father figure.

Impurrfect

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can only share my ES&H. My niece was 1 year old when her mama died in a car wreck. Baby daddy had a long history of drug abuse and what went with it.

My dad and stepmother (niece's grandma) raised niece. There were lawyers (baby daddy parents fought for custody), guardian ad litem and therapist for niece by the age of 3.

Long story short, my niece is more like a little sister. I'm an RA and recovering codependent and now that SHE is a mama, she understands where I came from.

Somewhere along the line her bio-dad tried for custody and was told "you have a snowball's chance in hello, drop it".

She gave him a second chance on promises. Now that he is back in jail, has let her down repeatedly, she is DONE.

He is threatening you to scare you. Don't fall for it. If he wants to be "daddy", he will have to have a steady job, pay child support, and do random drug screens.

My family has dealt with this for 20 years, you don't have to do it. I know it's hard to let him go, not see his child, but your child and you are first priority. Take care of YOU!! He will do what he will do, and shows no indication of wanting to do the right thing.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

MamaCas

Teddysgirl ... please allow me to share with you a little based on a very recent experience.

My daughter has a son with a man who is a drug addict. They were engaged but broke it off at the end of last year. When she was just a few months pregnant she started to notice things that made her question if he had a drug problem. I will spare you the details of this very long story, BUT currently he is awaiting sentencing on several drug charges.

I don't know what state you live in but in our state, since they were never married, she has full custody of her son and even though the father signed an "Acknowledgement of Paternity" and is on the birth certificate, he has no "rights" until he petitions the court for them. Which, he hasn't. As a result of him not petitioning the court to invoke his rights, his refusal to respond to a summons for a hearing on child support, and the fact that his whereabouts are unknown ... my daughter is in the process of a Single Parent Adoption. She will be adopting her own son, thus terminating any future rights of the father.

I suggest you retain a lawyer and discuss these possibilities. It seems harsh, but in our case, I honestly think the "father" will be more relieved that he's off the hook.

Teddysgirl

Thank you MamaCas! That sounds very similar to my story. I guess it is never too early to discuss the possibilities? I am only three months pregnant as of right now.

MamaCas

I think you need to know your options asap because, in our case, the process my daugther is dealing with now would be a lot quicker (and cheaper!) if he weren't on the birth certificate. But, that's OUR situation not yours. You have to make whatever decisions are best for you and your child. I'm glad you have a good support system...my daughter does too. And that baby? Couldn't imagine life without him! Beauty from ashes ... that's how I see it

atalose

Listen to your mom and try and focus on today and your health. If it were me, I would not put his name on the birth certificate.

If some “miracle” happens and he remains clean for a long period of time (well over a year) and HE feels he wants to be involved with your child, he would then have to petition the court for a paternity test and pay for it. Once paternity is proved he would then have to petition the court again for visitation………..all of that would take a very long time.

Most H addicts I know wouldn’t have that kind of determination or time and if he is using while attempting to seek visitation the court will clearly see that and drug testing will then be the discussion.

BUT you are giving him way too much credit here as well as his enabling Aunt.

bluehour

Hey I am so glad you have your families support.
I guess all I am saying is that just because you want little to no contact doesn't mean the court will see it that way. My son's dad had 4 duis in different states, a domestic violence conviction (from before me), was on probation and had another one pending(from me).... and he still got 50% legal and 30% physical off the bat.

I went into court and got blindsided. I just want you to know the courts often don't make sense. I wish you and your baby the best. My son was the first best thing that ever happened to me.
It is all worth it, by the way.