TerpGal

Thanks to my wonderful SR friends I have made some realizations today 1). I am totally paralyzed by terror due to my various experiences with my qualifiers, childhood sexual abuse and extreme bullying (people used to trap me in my desk, shove me in lockers, constantly taunt me, and the BEST part..........ever seen the shower scene in Carrie? Yeah that happened to me in 7th grade except I wasn't on my period). The psychiatrist at my last inpatient stint told me I had PTSD but I just couldn't believe it. I don't have vivid hallucination type flashbacks........so I CANT have PTSD. But yes, yes I have. It has created the dual voice that tells me I'm bad, no one likes me. I also have realized I have been pretty much constantly dissociating for most of my adult life. Sometimes worse than others.

When I have a panic attack, nothing seems "real". Like I'm walking in a dream. The rest of the time I am just going through the motions like a robot, but never feeling present. Like my body is there but my mind is not.......like watching a movie. All my important life events seems surreal. Like I was never really "there" at all. I've been walking through the world in a gray fog. A lot of PTSD sufferers become addicts to numb. I dissociate. I used to cut, just to feel something real. I really only feel connected when I am having some physical pain. Any emotions, other than negative ones, are totally muted and even then even the negative emotions derive from the past.

I am on high alert in crowds........the memories of that incident in 7th grade zoom back and I am on major red alert. I can only handle them in very small doses, then I have to excuse myself and be alone. When I was outside the hotel at family weekend at RAH s rehab, I was standing there watching a man just SCREAMING at the woman he was with. The pure terror.....omg. I just feel like I'm living in a bad nightmare waiting to wake up.

Santa

That's a major insight and good for you. I am so sorry. My son was bullied in middle school, it is devastating to me as a parent when I see how he still lives with the emotional damage it caused.

lillamy

Those are some amazing insights. Painful as they might be, they're the first step to healing.
(((hugs)))

Timeiskey

There is empowerment in owning this Terp. Now, how do you learn to heal and get past this to a healthy place where you can be emotionally (and happily) connected to the present moment? I really want that for you.

hopeful4

Hugs Terp. Glad you are seeing things and working on YOUR recovery!

We love ya!!!

TerpGal

Well what I NEED to do is to get into some intensive trauma therapy. It just sucks and all the you can't getinto intensive treatment anymore unless you have a substance abuse problem or are actively suicidal

dandylion

TerpGal....if you will check with the domestic violence organizations you should be able to find affordable therapy as well as some support groups. Many people do not utilize this because they do not think that it is possible.

dandylion

TerpGal

Yeah I havve been a few times to the local DV place for impromptu counselling. I am on a wait list. Then with an actual therapist for 8-10 sessions. They do have trauma groups just not one right now. They will get in touch w/ me if/when the next starts. Mental health care in the area I live blows. I have a psychologist that I see once a week but she has told me before trauma is not her specialty. I guess I will have to ask for a referral. I just need sessions more than an hour a week.