engaged62715

Hello everyone I'm looking for some guidance and support. I met my daughter's father and got pregnant right away and didn't really know him. I was young, we stayed together for over 3 yrs and I put up with his drug use, selling and cheating on me. We broke up for 5 years and remained friends he was always an awesome dad. I bought my own house etc, he had rough times went to rehab. He starting asking me in October 2013 if I would ever consider being with him. I was hesitate and proceeded with caution. He impressed me and after over a year of being sober. We got engaged April this year, everything was great until July. I got suspicious and found some needles and H. I was floored I confronted him and he admitted it. He started going back to meetings. Then he got an absess and ended up having surgery missed alot of work. The morphine in the hospital didn't help things. Everything seemed ok but I became suspicious again and found some more drug items. I confronted him and he denied it. But later that same evening told me everything showed me all his hiding places etc. He was good for two weeks then yesterday I knew it. We had family events scheduled he came...but I knew he was high. He admitted it last night he cried I cried. He says he was anxious and broke down. He doesn't want me to give up on him....I'm almost there. We have an amazing 9yr old and are all set up to be married June 2015. What do I do???

hopeful4

I am so sorry. H is a very powerful drug and very hard to kick, it takes dedication and working on recovery every single day for the rest of your life to kick that habit. That's a big commitment, not one a lot are willing to make. Your nine year old will be amazing without you two being married. Do you really want to put yourself through the torture of knowing he could relapse anytime...forever??

What support system do you have in place for yourself? Do you go to Naranon or have face to face support? Don't isolate, that is the worst thing you can do for yourself.

I am so sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you are here. Read, and read some more! The stickies at the tops of the forums have great info.

AnvilheadII

well, he certainly isn't marriage material at the moment. it's VERY Troubling that he is bringing the drugs and the gear IN the house...if you could find it, so could your daughter. that is a violation of HER safety and should not be discounted because he says he's sorry or trying or anxious.

what would you do if anyone else besides him brought heroin and IV syringes into your home, used in your home and left them in your home?

this line jumped out at me....without knowing the situation except for what you shared i think this is very key:

I bought my own house etc, he had rough times went to rehab

and

We got engaged April this year, everything was great until July

you buy your own home, suddenly he's weasling his way in. he gets you to agree to marry him and within FOUR months he's using, if not sooner. and he has not stopped.

it wouldn't you giving up on him, it would be him showing you thru his actions that he can't put anything ahead of the drugs. not you, not your daughter. he will find reason after reason, bargain, rationalize and justify in order to keep using. it will get worse.

so you have two issues here....first and foremost what is BEST for your daughter's safety and security? an active addict who shows up to family events high really isn't healthy and helpful for her.

and second, what plans if any might he have to truly quit and stay quit? if he isn't power phoning every available treatment center looking for the soonest opening, making arrangements with work and coordinating with his insurance and getting a bag packed NOW, then he's not serious. if he hasn't already found the nearest NA meeting or made an appointment with an addiction specialist, then he's not serious. if he is using today, then he's not serious. if he is trying to make you GIVE HIM another chance, saying stuff like he never meant to hurt you, he's so sorry, he needs you in order to get better, then he's not ready.

engaged62715

Thanks for responding to my story. I have found a meeting I plan to attend this Wednesday. His mom is 25 years clean and she is coming over tonight and he is telling her everything. His childhood was messed up due to his mom's use. ..I'm about to give up.

engaged62715

Thanks avilhead I was trying to shorten story I bought my house rt after we broke up 5 years ago, but I understand what you are saying. Ugh he is my best friend we talk about everything and I am a smart girl but not when it comes to him. You are rt is isn't safe or acceptable to have those things in our home. My daughter is my top priority I know she will be heartbroken to see us break up again but I don't want her around that stuff. ...

engaged62715

He is going to a meeting tonight and text his sponsor last night...

AnvilheadII

he is my best friend we talk about everything

cough cough, not EVERYTHING it would appear.....

meetings for YOU, good!
daughter as your priority, Better!
meetings for him, ok for starters but not enough to give the all clear just yet!
maybe staying with his mom for a while might be an option?
heroin addiction ain't for wussies and heroin addiction recovery is one of the toughest undertakings imaginable.
ALL of you need time and space in your own ways.......

alumni

Painfully typical scenario with relapse, apologies, relapse, lies, relapse, ad nauseam.
If he genuinely wants to re-marry you and be a sober father to your daughter, he has to earn that rather than be "given" any other chances. Those days are done.
He earns it by getting into substance abuse treatment ASAP without all of the BS excuses that every junkie knows by heart. Not just saying he'll do it or committing to do it but actually doing it.
That might take a while but I'd strongly advise you to cut-off contact with him until he proves to you this is the real deal. From what you've written, he's clearly not there yet.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board.

I admit, when I read this --

-- the first thing that came to mind was Run!!! But that doesn't help you make what is surely one of the more difficult decisions you've ever been faced with. So this is what we know.

We know you got pregnant with his child, he was using heroin, and for 3 years, he cheated on you. You broke up for 5 years, and then you let him back in the door. Everything appeared to be fine. Until you saw it wasn't. And as Anvil and Hopeful said, kicking heroin is no walk in the park.

He will any excuse available as to why he picked up. And while he says he doesn't want you to give up on him, may I point out that he's already given up on himself by giving himself permission to pick up. The fact that you two are engaged and the fact he has a 9 year old daughter did not stop him from doing picking up. I would not believe a single thing to come out of his mouth.

What I would like to gently point out is you let him back in the door. For me, being unfaithful is a deal breaker. My AXGF confessed to being unfaithful on multiple occasions. There is no f**king way I will have anything to do with her on any level ever again. But for whatever reasons you had, you let him back in. And now you're back where you were. From this point forward, do not be in denial about what it is you're up against. The probability that he is going to be a responsible husband is quite low, let alone the probability that he'll be responsible to himself. You have to really get honest with yourself. Can you afford the risk involved with marrying him? Can your daughter afford the risk of having a sick father in the picture? Should your boundaries be stronger than what they have been?

The answers you may come up with may hurt like hell. You may decide that you can't take that risk. But know that if you do decide that, even though it hurts like hell, you're doing yourself and your daughter a favor by protecting the both of you.

Think with your head, not your heart.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

Sikofit

Also, forgive me, but "he was always an awesome dad"? But he's been an active addict most of your daughter's life--at one point even selling?? Would you want your daughter hooked up with someone who does those things?

(and before you say I have no experience with addiction, I've been married to my AH for 25+ years. He's always provided for my kids, and we have a comfortable lifestyle, but there are things that they saw when they were younger that still keep me awake nights, and they were and are very knowledgable about the fact that he's an alcoholic. I wouldn't have called most of his parenting in their young years "awesome.")

Raider

What a mess. I'm so sorry. But I would walk away. Just leave, you can't help him, and he isn't ready to help himself.

engaged62715

I do not believe anything he says anymore, we are meeting tonight and I have a scheduled my first counseling session for Wednesday. I appreciate everyone's responses

jadealexander

You were strong 5 years ago. Be strong now. Your story helped me. I recently ended things with my heroin addict boyfriend. What made me stay as long as I did was the hope for a happy future, but your story made me realize that may not happen even if he did get clean. You are sad all over again and don't deserve that. Did you date others in the 5 years? What made you decide to get back with him?

engaged62715

It doesn't really matter but he wasn't on H when I met him. He started this with an ex when we were not together. My heart is hurting and I'm praying night and day...I'm keeping it together for my daughter taking care of her and all her activities. Regardless she is always taking care of and I am prepared to close him out if that's what I need to do. I appreciate everyone's thoughts it feels better to let my feelings out

engaged62715

Jadealexander yes I dated in the 5 years we were not together and nothing ever worked out. I know I will be ok and can make it on my own. While we weren't together we always got along for the most part just as friends. Everyone always said we would get back together and I always said no way! When he got clean I was happy for him and my daughter. But when he asked if I could ever forgive the past I wasn't sure. Slowly we started hanging out more and it felt rt. I was dumb I didn't know he went to rehab for H, I thought pills maybe coke like it makes a difference. ..he was such a happy different person. I thought he changed ugh this sucks. Please pray for me!!

MIRecovery

I would be very worried about losing my daughter to Child protective services. Unfortunately from what you have described they would be doing the right thing.

Having an active Heroin addict in the house is dangerous on multiple levels

Yogagurl

Hi,

I was in your shoes about two years ago and I married the addict. This is what I know: do not get yourself legally and financially involved with a heroine addict. You want to be a support system, emotionally be supportive of a recovery, fine. You share a daughter together and want to meet on Sundays at the park, fine. The very worst thing you can do for your family is marry an active heroine addict. A heroine addict will have to use all the energy they have to either fight the addiction or indulge the addiction. This means that there will be no energy for being a husband, a roommate, a partner, a father, or contributing to the general welfare and progression of the marriage.

I'm not saying you should run, but I would run. I am saying that you SHOULD NOT pursue a marriage with someone who shoots heroine.

denphen

I agree being with an addict of that nature is not something you can go all in with. You need to remain financial stable and some what leading separate lives. They truly only worry about themselves and nobody else will ever fully matter their addiction is all consuming

mfanch

Me: sober 5 years from the needle. It takes a lot of daily and intense work to stay clean, especially in the first months and years. Today it is still daily, but not as intense. I was already married and my SO is an alkie, so we had a different path. BUT, if we weren't already married, marriage is the LAST thing I needed to being doing when I needed to be focusing on surviving this addiction.

1. Do NOT get married!!!
2. Do NOT get married!!!
3. Focus on you and your daughter. PLEASE

Glad you are here.

denphen

I found out about my husband's addiction after marrying him. Had I found out before I would not.