myfreedom

Ok, so AH thinks he is capable of doing 50/50 with the kids. I do not and the kids do not want to do that either, and do not want to hurt his feelings. We have no court order, he has had 2DUI's and there has been 2 PFA's. We both live in the school district except the elementary schools are different. Right now I drop my daughter off at middle school in morning, then drop son off at AH's so he can get the bus. Was trying not to change his school. They both get the bus there so after work i have to run over and pick them up. My son now says he wants to go to the other elementary school because he is making new friends. I can easily change my daughter's bus stop. I am having a hard time getting them to spend time with AH. This past weekend was their weekend with him and Saturday they ended up spending half the day with me. Without causing a huge arguement and fight, I don't know if I should just make the switches and tell him he can get them 2 nights a week for dinner and e/o weekend, and if he doesn't like it then he can consult a lawyer. Plus if i would go for child support as well, he will be furious. Any advice?????

happybeingme

I think when it comes to situations like this it is always best to do what is in the best interests of the children. If they are asking for changes and they wont be to stressful on the family give them what they want.

hopeful4

My kids never ever want to go with their father. Eh...it is what it is. I have explained to them that our agreement gives the min amount of time and that if we went to court they would likely have to spend even more time w/him.

However, he is behaving and is a decent dad when they are with him. That being said, if things go downhill I would not hesitate to keep the kids w/me, and that is in our divorce decree.

It's very important to listen to your kids and WHY they don't want to be w/him and make decisions based on that information, or that is my opinion and that of my children's counselor.

Last Friday I took off early and took my kids to the fair, we went w/friends. My kids knew from the get go that their father would be showing up around six and he would basically take over from there. My older DD had a fit just b/c she did not want to go with him. Her reason, she wanted to go do what I was doing, which was have dinner on the way back at a place we like w/my friend. Their dad was not doing anything wrong, he came quite a ways to be there w/them, and basically I told them that they had to go w/him.

It turned out to be just fine. They spent the weekend there and he took them to do some fun things and all is well (or as well as it's going to be).

Now, had my X showed up and drank a beer or done something wrong, I would not have hesitated to keep my kids w/me and tell him to buzz off, and if he did not like that I would tell him to petition the court and I will see him in court.

Just my .02

Good Luck!

myfreedom

Well I know AH can be very moody and doesn't really do anything except watch tv and if he does go outside to work in the garage or something, he usually has to have a few beers. My youngest son is a momma boy and AH says I need to let him grow up and bond with him. Well I don't want him learning how to be an alcoholic!!! My daughter is 11 and she is at that age where friends are important to her and she just can't talk to her dad really about anything. They both are just so more relaxed with me and we can laugh, talk and have a good time. We are not walking on eggshells. I hate making them go but I also want them to spend time with him. Not sure if its quality time or just the fact that they are present in his house.

hopeful4

I have in my divorce decree that my X cannot drink or have alcohol present when they are there, or 12 hours prior. Nor can he call them if he is under the influence. That helps, believe me. He actually sticks to this for now, he is scared to death to go to court as I've made it crystal clear if we get to a point we have to go to court, I petition and fight for supervised visitation or none at all.

My DD who is 15 is all about her friends. It was actually harder when they did not ever go over there b/c now she does stay w/friends or whatever but then spends the rest of the weekend w/him. It's never going to be the same at his house as it is at mine as mine is the same, much more relaxed and we are close.

Do you have a relationship w/him that you can tell him that if they spend time there he needs to actually be w/them and do things w/them? My X actually has a girlfriend who is divorced w/kids around my children's same ages. This has helped b/c she basically told him that unless he spends quality time w/the kids and does things w/them and is involved they won't want to come spend time w/him. That helped b/c he listens to her and it did not come from me. Do you have any mutual friends who could speak with him?

Just a thought.

myfreedom

I have had this discussion with him before. He thinks because he is broke that he can't do anything with them. He is one that he can't function well out of the house without beer. He will once in awhile throw ball with our son, but isn't overly involved. I figure why should I have to tell him to spend quality time with his own children. He should want to do that on his own. His mother has tried talking to him in the past about it but he is just one that likes to blame shift and thinks he does no wrong and if he does then he has to make sure i am getting blamed for something as well. Someone you just can not reason with.

hopeful4

So why would he be capable of doing 50/50...no way! Also....why do you care if child support makes him furious? Sometimes it's much easier to turn it all over to the court and let it get figured out in that way. It sounds to me like he needs to worry about hurting their feelings more than vice versa. It's not your responsibility to tell him to parent.

I will tell you one thing I do. When I see free events in our community I send a link via text to my X if it's something I think they would enjoy. Last month they had movie night in the park, free popcorn and movie. Over the weekend they had River Days. I tell him that I saw this or that and thought it might be something he would enjoy with our girls. If he takes them or not is up to them, but I am putting it out there. I am not doing this for him, I am doing this for my kids. I know he does not have a lot of $ to spend and I figure why not tell him. They have enjoyed these events so far.

Each family is different, each person different what they will or will not accept. I think if you plan on doing what is right for your kids you are going to need to prepare them and yourself for some backlash from him.

I'm sorry. Trying to coparent with someone like that is miserable.

Hugs.

myfreedom

Yes he is def not easy to coparent with. He can not understand why he is not capable of doing 50/50, thinks he is a good, responsible father. He has to be at work at 4am, meaning kids would be alone and have to get up on their own. Think I am just going to make the changes, and go to domestics. He pays the car payment and just paid for school pics, and gave me a whole $25 toward their lunch money. He is supposed to be giving me money towards the cell phone bill, which is in my name but im not even on it. It is the two kids, him and my oldest son who is at college. I have been paying that every month which is like $280.

hopeful4

If he does not pay his portion of the cell phone bill get him off, immediately if possible. I would make the changes you want to make and deal with him necessary issue by necessary issue.

XXX

myfreedom

I think I will sit down and talk with kids tonight and make sure of what they want to do and tomorrow start making calls. Guess I feel alittle like a coward toward him, afraid to stand up for myself because of past abuse.

hopeful4

I can understand. Past abuse stays w/you for a long time, now wonder you have anxiety about this. However, taking steps to stand up for what is right for your children will build you up. It won't be easy, but often life is not. Your children will see their mother fighting for what is right, and that is a very good thing!

XXX

NYCDoglvr

Since he has DUI's, I don't think the issue is about his feelings. The issue is the physical and psychological safety of the children. Any court should understand that.

myfreedom

I have been advised from an attorney that due to his record of the DUI'S, pfa's. physch hosp for ten days, being tasered by police, and it goes on, that he would most likely be given supervised visitation which he thinks is ridiculous because his last offense was in December and it was just a public drunkeness!!!!!!!

AnvilheadII

why DON'T you have a court order?

myfreedom

I can not afford an attorney, and the only way I could get represented from the Domestic Violence Clinic is if he would take me. I have checked into the County low cost attorneys and pro bono cases but i never get anywhere.

atalose

From what you shared he doesn’t sound like a very interested father. With that being said…..

Why is it so important to you to have your kids spend time with someone who clearly doesn’t want to spend quality time with them? You say you are having a hard time getting them to spend time with their father............. ………………………..LISTEN to what they are saying, please!

You seem afraid of this man, is he violent?

myfreedom

He has been in the past. I guess because I want them to have a relationship with their dad but in reality I know its his fault if he has ruined that. I think it is fear that holds me back.

redatlanta

I'm not trying to be rude here, but why do you want them to have a relationship with their dad? He doesn't sound like a good person. He's and active alcoholic, he has been violent, he refuses to give you child support and they don't' want to be around him.

Sounds like you feel an obligation to them having a relationship due to biology.

You can file for a divorce pro se. It may not be the most desired way but if the alternative is to stay married to him might be worth looking into.

atalose

You mean your husband would have to take you to the domestic violence clinic? That doesn't sound right, isn't there any friends, family, neighbors?

I would be insistent and pushy with your county low cost attorneys. I would also look into restraining orders in your state.

Don't give up or in to him, you snd your children are worth your efforts.

myfreedom

I checked into getting the last pfa of extended and couldnt because he had not done anything to threaten me. If he would get a lawyer and take me to court, then the Dom Viol Clinic would represent me. I am calling schools in morning to get things changed. And going to the Support office one morning this week. I know I need to be strong and just do this for the kids. Its gonna be hard but i really dont have a choice.