roguedreams

I'm sitting here (sober and jobless) crunching numbers.

And of course, I can't make ends meet.

Something in my head is screaming at me - and this happens every time I think about my money issues - "you lazy lazy LAZY b****! Here you are, jobless, sitting at home on your A**! How could you do this to yourself?!"

It's really really really hard to self-impose job loss. To admit that that environment was toxic and anti-sobriety/recovery is one thing ... to be my own annihilator, if you will ... well, that's just a whole 'nother pudding pie.

I can't stop asking myself, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF?

I feel irresponsible, flippant, rebellious, stupid, idiotic, weak (for not being able to handle the club environment sober), ********, really.

I know these are just feelings.

I know I'm not ACTING on the desire to return to dancing.

I know intellectually that I'm probably still doing the right thing, that I'm "right where I belong".

But isn't there a point where this just equates thoughtless self-sabotage?

Am I throwing the baby out with the bathwater?

There is ABSOLUTELY no way I can pay the remainder of my rent (up until October 19. It's due by Oct 3).

I can't pay my cell phone bill.

I've pretty much maxed out the financial help friends can offer.

And I feel SOOO silly, sitting here in my apartment, not working, being so lazy, just eating and sleeping and going to meetings and applying for jobs and staying sober.

It seems so - frivolous and futile and inane.

Somebody smack me.

Oh, and PS - money (or rather, the lack thereof) has always been something I "drink about" ... probably one of my primary triggers.

SoberLeigh

Hey, rogue. I think you are doing what you need to be doing; your job environment was toxic. Do you qualify for unemployment benefits????

roguedreams

No, unfortunately, I don't.

I did apply for food stamps today, but from what I've read, I'm not sure I'm eligible for much in that regard either. So humiliating! Yummy humble pie? Oof.

SoberLeigh

Are you affiliated with any church? The parish to which I belong offers assistance to its members when things are difficult. Also, some churches have "food bank" programs and give food to people in the community upon request, usually no questions asked.

Are there any job training programs in your area?

I really feel badly for you, rogue.

Soberwolf

Im unemployed currently

volenteering opens up oppurtunities and looks good on cv

dont beat yourself up i like to think of the turtle rabbit race story in moments like these

hang in there we will both be working soon enough

Soberwolf

The Rabbit and the Turtle - Moral Stories - Moral Story

trachemys

rogue, go to the unemployment office and explain the whole situation to them. A toxic workplace, especially one that fosters your addiction, is reason to quit and you should be able to get benefits. You can also lean on them for job search help and referrals. I'd be there making them earn their taxpayer funded checks.

roguedreams

I'm not affiliated with any church, no. Although that is a good idea, to perhaps see if I can ask for assistance. I am Catholic by upbringing (and probably still Catholic in spirit, by accident) - maybe I can see what the nearest church to me has to offer. If anything, they may be more aware of the resources in the area and better able to point me in the right direction.

There's the state government workforce centers that offer simple job training programs ... I looked briefly at it the other day. I should probably revisit it. I have plenty of skills, just haven't had any recent experience in pertinent industries. The competition is a lot more fierce out there than the last time I went job hunting (2002!!!) (I've had jobs since, of course, they were just more the "word of mouth" ones)

Thank you, Sober"Lay" (which I how I always pronounce it in my head? I think we had this convo before! Lol)

roguedreams

Soberwolf, I agree 100% with the volunteering concept! You hang in there too

trachemys, I'll look into it. I was under the impression that since dancers are considered independent contractors and NOT employees (we pay/rent our "space" at the club each shift) that we do not qualify for unemployment. I'll call the unemployment office tomorrow.

Thank you everyone ...

3arai

RD,

Don't feel bad!
I don't think any bar or club is a good work environment for a sober person & really from what I've seen I'll probably include waiting tables & the whole restaurant & bar thing. Unless you're Sam Malone/Ted Danson, don't put yourself in that situation night after night.

Idk if you were friendly with any co-workers but maybe let them know you're available if they need child care while they work. Unless you feel the need to totally distance from them, or if you don't like kids.

Take care

Nuudawn

You have far too many wits about you to be defeated Rogue. In your last post to this thread, there was already a whole lot more proactive thinking. You CAN figure this...absolutely. You ain't no fool....

But geez...your damn thread title..argh, there is just no good reason to ever bring Robin Thicke to mind : )

roguedreams

OMG, Sarai, that's a brilliant idea!!!

I have no idea why I'd not thought of that before. Egads. I know most of my immediate/close friends at work didn't have kids, the few that I knew that did usually had their mom or other family member helping out, but I'm SURE there's somebody out there that could use the extra hand.

I'll see what I can do to put the word out. I absolutely love kids, so there's no problem there.

Thank you a million times over!!!

PolarBlue

At least you're going to meetings and applying for jobs. You're two steps ahead of me. I'm still trying to function period without drinking.

I'm in a very similar situation. Although I do have a check coming in eventually (who knows how long that will take), I also won't be able to pay my bills this month. Don't think I'll be able to get unemployment. I may see if I qualify for assistance with my electric bill. I swear it seems like you need to have dependents to qualify for anything.

Looks like a few of us are in the same boat. I often wonder if this happened for a reason. Maybe some divine power set it up so I get fired from work before I kill myself or get a DUI? Let's all try to find something positive. Best of luck to you.

roguedreams

... my AV's name is Robin Thicke.

ah ha ha, just kidding. That was mean.

I suppose I should've written "The extent to which I put recovery first: sending out an SOS"

Is that better?

roguedreams

I never said I did these things while functioning I've been "just a body" in the meetings and the first dozen applications I sent out - I didn't notice that my resume heading was mis-aligned, splitting my phone number in half and causing the rest of the material to spill over by one line onto a second page.

I'm sure that made me look absolutely amazing.



Best of luck to you as well! I think I read some of your thread about being fired for being intoxicated at work? - back when you first posted it ...

I keep repeating to myself: I'm doing this so life doesn't get worse I'm doing this so life doesn't get worse I'm doing this so life doesn't get worse I'm doing this so life doesn't get worse I'm doing this so life doesn't get worse

you get the idea.

There is a reason for everything, even if we don't see it in this present moment.

Even this afternoon as I glumly reviewed my finances, I reminded myself to be grateful for the roof I have over my head tonight; the food that I still have in the fridge; the gas I still have in my car; the friends that have already helped me make it this far; heck, even a pillow and running water and a toilet! It costs more than $2/day to keep me alive; I'm in the upper echelons of this earth already.

My worries are "first world problems". So much for which to be grateful. Even when I don't wanna.

PolarBlue

Oh God I can relate to the resume. About 10 years ago when I was applying for jobs I put the wrong zip code on it before realizing my mistake. I wrote them when I was drunk. Those two jobs never bothered calling.

I hope we find our reasons soon. The funny thing is with me I've been wanting to move to a certain state ever since I was a kid. I finally met a relative out there who wants me to room with her rent free until I find work, but I kept making excuses as to why I can't. Tied to a house, a job, among other things. Well, there may be no excuses soon. haha

roguedreams

When one door closes?

I truly hope things work out for you PB! Rootin' for ya all the way

roguedreams

And PS - the silly thing is I did that original resume sober.

Shows what trying to operate during detox will do (or, um, undo?) ha.

PolarBlue

I hope everything works out for you too. You sound positive, and they say a positive attitude leads to positive results.

Yeah, sometimes being sober in early recovery feels worse than being drunk. I was driving home from a friend's house Friday night and felt trashed even though I was 5 days sober. I almost forgot where I was. A cop was in front of me and pulled over on the shoulder for some reason. When I went past I was sure I'd see the flashing lights come on. Had to keep reminding myself that I'm not drunk...he's not after me...it's ok. Watched my rear view mirror for the next 5 miles. lol

3arai

<---totally look into it. Even girls who already have child care in place will be dealing with last minute cancellations, leaving them scrambling to find a fill-in or missing a night's work. So find a polite way to give those women your contact info, just in case, or maybe to pass along to someone who needs a sitter. Where I live you can legally babysit 3 children in your home with no special business permit. That's pretty decent money.

If your body is still on a night shift schedule, that can work to your advantage. Do people still deliver newspapers? Just an idea, if you're used to being up at 3 am ... it seems like it would be kind of peaceful...
Just suggesting these while you get started on the more lengthy process of a career path....

Also, call your cell phone co. Tell them you are experiencing financial hardship due to illness and you absolutely need cell phone service as you are self employed. Tell them you have applied for gov't assistance and expect some relief soon. Ask if there is anything at all they can do for you. They will work with you.