TerpGal

I SAID I had no expectations of RAH when he came home. I though I didn't but I guess I really did. I am over the moon that he stayed sober yesterday and today, other than that it's the same. He didn't sleep well last night but was up before me anyway. And I woke up actually in a decent mood not fighting with him over it.

But then the day started. He fell back asleep from being tired and his meds he says make him drowsy (Campral and Regis) which ok, I understand. I take meds that make me drowsy too. Sucks. But he had already gotten me up and into the shower (I really didn't want to shower but needed to). We didn't leave the house until around 2 and went to the fair.

Big mistake. I am feeling far too fragile and not up to being in a crowd but I just wanted to go to see the chickens. And that seemed a bit of a chore for him. He wanted to see the pigs because "they are so delicious LOL". But there was some smiley stuff. Like when I said I was feeling anxious around all these people it was "my how the tables have turned". That hurt. They haven't turned I have for the last few years become very anxious around crowds and become pretty oblivious to my surroundings. So all that stuff I just kept my lips sipped and pretended my feelings weren't hurt which they were.

Then I started in with my own comfortable victim role so I wouldn't have to deal with being overwhelmed. And the sarcasm........boy. I feel triggered by everything. So in my victim role I said some stuff I shouldn't have.

This sucks. I HATE it. I don't want to "focus on myself". I don't know what I like or what I want and I really hate myself. I don't know what to DO about this. I am more depressed than ever. Not a good day. I wish I could just buy some self esteem . I just wish someone would tell me, ok this is what you do. You do this, then you do that blah blah. Not what do you think about this or that. I don't know what a real justified emotion really is anymore.

ladyscribbler

Well, I have no experience with a significant other in recovery, but good for you on getting a shower. I understand what a colossal chore that can be when one is suffering the weight of depression combined with what I imagine is a great deal of stress having a husband home fresh out of rehab.
I suffer from PTSD, so I get how hard it is to function in a crowd sometimes. Not always, but I have my moments.
But you did it. You are feeling some uncomfortable feelings, but you had a decent night from the sound of it.
That is strength. That is healing. Every moment is not going to be perfect bliss just because your husband is home from rehab and sober.
I know that I held that up as an ideal for a long time, but my own recovery through SR and Alanon and educating myself has taught me that another person's sobriety is not the absolute key to my happiness and contentment.
You are doing great. Congratutions to you and to your husband.
One of my Alanannies (she's 93 and loves to waterski) told me that her husband encourages her to go to meetings because afterward she always comes home and gives him a kiss.
Don't overthink it, and don't stuff your feelings, but if you didn't love him, would you be making all this effort?
Also, Alanon. That is a self esteem factory of there ever was one. Believe me, I know.

mejo

I agree ^^^. IMO, you are expecting a little too much from yourself. We are in the habit of focusing more on them rather than us. We need to try and break that habit. I think a part of taking ownership of how we feel is really a good start with working on us. Remember, give yourself time. Don't try to force things. And also try to remember your RAH has thoughts and feelings that he has ownership of as well. So, he said something that hurt your feelings? Figure out why that comment hurt. I don't think that because he said what he said was directed as a jab, it may be a fact and that may be how he feels. Talk to him about it without anger. You both are going to have to learn how to communicate again. No time like the present.

Santa

This is what you do: Join a yoga studio for, starting with 1 month. Go to class every other day. Go. Leave RAH at home or wherever he is. When you get on the mat, stop thinking about you. Stop thinking about RAH. Listen to the instructor. Breathe. Think about where your leg goes and your arm goes which she will tell you. Be there in the studio. Take up space. Breathe. One month.

I am not a yoga fanatic by any means and I started it reluctantly. But I can tell you it changed my entire perspective, and I've heard that from a lot of people.

Butterfly

Hey I get it having no self esteem is awful and it's a daily struggle but well done for getting up showering and going out! The idea of the yoga sounds great I might actually try it. Try new things is scary but the more you do things you enjoy for yourself the better you will feel. Meet some good friends for coffee and a gossip, a girly catch up is a good pick me up.

Don't be so hard on yourself one day at a time. Big hugs

dandylion

TerpGal......Straight up....early recovery is a rocky road for all concerned--at l east, to some degree. This is where detachment is the tool of the day...so that you don't get too tangled up in "his stuff" and his emotions. And, it ain't easy.

Still, you are human and we humans DO get our feelings hurt. There IS a line where certain things are (or should be) unacceptable to us. We can't just be a doormat and let others walk all over us. There is a line...somewhere... between detaching and what constitutes verbal abuse.
You will have to find that line, somewhere.....and, draw a boundary.

Ladyscribbler speaks a truth....his sobriety is not the absolute key to your happiness.
Your self-esteem is going to come through you; yourself....through your own efforts.

She is right...alanon is the "self-esteem factory"...LOL! (I believe you already go??).
I suggest that meditation or yoga would be a good starting place...it helps cut out the extraneous "noise" of the world.

You are getting some good suggestions, here...that have helped others who have been in your shoes. I say to grab onto some of those and work it..work it hard.
Stop giving him free space in your brain....

dandylion

dandylion

Oh, I forgot to say....I love the chickens, also. When I was a little girl, I spent a l ot of time with the chickens.....feeding them, gathering the eggs. Watching them hatch and trying to play with the baby chicks. I have fond memories of going to the chicken house just before dusk and listening to the comforting sounds that they make while going to roost.
I also learned that a sitting hen (sitting on the eggs) will peck the blood out of your hand if you try to mess with her!!
I gave the chickens names.....

Thanks, TerpGal for bringing back those memories....

dandylion

readerbaby71

I agree 100%! Focusing on the body and breath takes me out of my head like nothing else can. The physical benefits are amazing too. Terpgal, are you in therapy? It has also helped me immensely. Hang in there. xoxo

TheLonelyLoner

I don't have any advice, but chickens are pretty great. It's hilarious to watch their social hierarchy. Crowds can be tough, but try to remember that everyone else is feeling just as uncomfortable as you are.

TerpGal

Yep I already go to al anon have been going to almost a meeting a day for over a month expect days I work and there are no daytime meetings. Not exactly finding it a self esteem factory and having trouble getting past step one.

I have tried yoga. I love it. I can't afford to go though. We are only on my salary right now which isn't much. And RAH is back to his old impulse spending. Who h I have to talk to him about but I am afraid to get yelled at (which is irrational because he hasn't yelled at me about anything yet). And I missed church this am because I overslept.

readerbaby71

Two of my favorite yoga videos that I do at home:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Emu4RoQUKoI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SZj7UcoCeg

The first one is only 10 minutes so it's easy to squeeze in and really gets me going in the morning. There are thousands of yoga videos on youtube. I can't really afford classes right now so I am doing it at home.

lizatola

((Terpgal))! If you have Netflix or Hulu, you can watch a yoga DVD right on your computer if you need to. I understand about the confronting the RAH and thinking that they're going to yell at you. I walked on eggshells for nearly 20 years, and I still do because my AH can be so unpredictable with his moods.

I have no real words of advice. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. HUGS!

TerpGal

This would be so much easier if I had some space from him

Santa

Can you carve out some space for yourself in your apartment or house? Even if you set a boundary that, look, I need some time just to get my head together, alone. I am going into the bedroom and closing the door to do a yoga video and meditate. Please do not disturb me. I will come out when I am done.

I know you said you are not ready to separate. My heart aches for you though. What is one positive thing you are you getting out of this relationship?

NYCDoglvr

What was pointed out to me is to get self-esteem you have to make "esteemable" actions. It doesn't come from anything, anyone, outside yourself.

Rosalba

Love and hugs coming your way. If you continue to concentrate on yourself and work the program (if you're not in Alanon, you should get the support and loving you need from there), life will get better. Eventually.

Sorry you're having to go through this **** right now though.

xxx