First Post; At The End Of My Rope
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 4
First Post; At The End Of My Rope
I've been lurking around here for a while- I guess it's time for me to ask for some help.
Over the past three years or so, my wife of 18 years has become an alcoholic. At first, I thought that her increased drinking was a normal reaction to our financial problems and general life stresses- my industry was hit hard by the economic downturn and pay rates have declined over the past ten years, so I started a business that failed, making things worse, and, being an educator in a Red state, she has taken a net pay cut every year for years. We are raising two beautiful teenage daughters, both of whom are excellent students and great kids.
It has now gotten to the point where she drinks near daily, usually a 500-ml box of wine, sometimes two, or one of those four-packs of wine. She's always been a lightweight, so she's drunk when I get home. I hate picking up the phone when she calls after five, because I can tell within a few words if she's been drinking that day. Her personality goes to **** and she starts slurring as soon as a drop passes her lips. She never admits to drinking, even if she's staggering and slurring and reeking of wine, hides her empties all over the house, and always seems to find money for booze, even if the kids and I are eating eggs for supper.
I am so sick of living like this. I have been dealing with it myself for three years. I make excuses to the few friends we have left about why we have to cancel again, I make excuses to my kids about why Mom is yelling at everyone, I make excuses to family about why we have to leave the gathering early. I haven't told or talked about this with anyone, because I am a very private person and find this whole situation very embarrassing. The men in my family were raised not to show weakness or air our dirty laundry.
What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to just put up with the yelling and lying? It's my fault she started drinking; if I had worked harder or been a better provider she would not have had to deal with those stresses. What am I supposed to tell my girls? They know that she drinks and worry about her. I tell them that she is working on stopping, she tells them she is trying, but she's lied to us so much that we can't believe her. I can't go anywhere with her if she's had a drink, because she acts like a fool. I don't want to leave, I just want my smart, funny, loving wife back.
Over the past three years or so, my wife of 18 years has become an alcoholic. At first, I thought that her increased drinking was a normal reaction to our financial problems and general life stresses- my industry was hit hard by the economic downturn and pay rates have declined over the past ten years, so I started a business that failed, making things worse, and, being an educator in a Red state, she has taken a net pay cut every year for years. We are raising two beautiful teenage daughters, both of whom are excellent students and great kids.
It has now gotten to the point where she drinks near daily, usually a 500-ml box of wine, sometimes two, or one of those four-packs of wine. She's always been a lightweight, so she's drunk when I get home. I hate picking up the phone when she calls after five, because I can tell within a few words if she's been drinking that day. Her personality goes to **** and she starts slurring as soon as a drop passes her lips. She never admits to drinking, even if she's staggering and slurring and reeking of wine, hides her empties all over the house, and always seems to find money for booze, even if the kids and I are eating eggs for supper.
I am so sick of living like this. I have been dealing with it myself for three years. I make excuses to the few friends we have left about why we have to cancel again, I make excuses to my kids about why Mom is yelling at everyone, I make excuses to family about why we have to leave the gathering early. I haven't told or talked about this with anyone, because I am a very private person and find this whole situation very embarrassing. The men in my family were raised not to show weakness or air our dirty laundry.
What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to just put up with the yelling and lying? It's my fault she started drinking; if I had worked harder or been a better provider she would not have had to deal with those stresses. What am I supposed to tell my girls? They know that she drinks and worry about her. I tell them that she is working on stopping, she tells them she is trying, but she's lied to us so much that we can't believe her. I can't go anywhere with her if she's had a drink, because she acts like a fool. I don't want to leave, I just want my smart, funny, loving wife back.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
This is not your fault. You could be a multi millionaire and she'd still find a reason to drink now wouldn't she?
How about you stop making excuses for her now that you're here. She knows you'll cover for her but does she know you'll stop covering for her? No, she doesn't. And how do you think that will make her feel if you stop covering up HER alcoholism? Because you did not cause this. She did. She fed this addiction herself. And how do you think she will handle it when she finds out that you have stopped lying for her and people start asking her is she has a drinking problem?
My husband was oblivious to his drinking problem, especially at work. He felt no one knew but everyone talked around him about it. It was not until people talked to him that he could wrap his drunk self around it and see that he wasn't a closet drinker, he was a full fledged alcoholic and it was a HUGE problem that only HE could take care of. He thought he could hide it. I stopped hiding it. I stopped making excuses for him right before his accident last year. I stopped becoming his enabler. You should stop being her enabler and you will see her change. It will take time but your excuses for her behavior must stop. If you can not go out with her, go without her. Don't stop living your life because of her.
You should get your children into Alateen and Alanon for yourself. This is not your fault.
How about you stop making excuses for her now that you're here. She knows you'll cover for her but does she know you'll stop covering for her? No, she doesn't. And how do you think that will make her feel if you stop covering up HER alcoholism? Because you did not cause this. She did. She fed this addiction herself. And how do you think she will handle it when she finds out that you have stopped lying for her and people start asking her is she has a drinking problem?
My husband was oblivious to his drinking problem, especially at work. He felt no one knew but everyone talked around him about it. It was not until people talked to him that he could wrap his drunk self around it and see that he wasn't a closet drinker, he was a full fledged alcoholic and it was a HUGE problem that only HE could take care of. He thought he could hide it. I stopped hiding it. I stopped making excuses for him right before his accident last year. I stopped becoming his enabler. You should stop being her enabler and you will see her change. It will take time but your excuses for her behavior must stop. If you can not go out with her, go without her. Don't stop living your life because of her.
You should get your children into Alateen and Alanon for yourself. This is not your fault.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 9
Always so heartbreaking to hear people saying that their partner's drinking is their fault because it resonates so deeply. It will take awhile to start believing, but repeat it to yourself each day and 'fake it till you make it'. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. And that is the gospel truth. Make sure your daughters know this too!
I've recently joined, and this community is such great support. No one can teach or tell you how to deal with your stresses, but we've all been there. It's nice to have people who 'get it'.
Take care of yourself first. Kia Kaha.
I've recently joined, and this community is such great support. No one can teach or tell you how to deal with your stresses, but we've all been there. It's nice to have people who 'get it'.
Take care of yourself first. Kia Kaha.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, LonelyLoner. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but everyone here has been there too and understands. I hope you'll find the help you're looking for here.
A good first step is reading as much as you can here. You'll likely see yourself in many of the stories and know that you're NOT alone at all. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, either. They're a great source of information and inspiration. This thread from there might be useful to you now: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Another poster mentioned Alanon, and I'd agree w/that recommendation. Alanon can be a great source of education and face-to-face support for you. You mention kids, and Alateen might be right for them, too. A lot of folks really resist the idea, for any number of reasons. There are a ton of threads here talking about that, and then there is this article, which I like: But I Don’t Want to Go to Al-Anon!
I understand your desire to have your "smart, funny, loving wife back." Totally. The hard part is that only she can make the decisions that will allow that to happen. Rest assured, nothing you did or didn't do has caused her drinking. If stress truly was the cause of alcoholism, there wouldn't be a sober person to be found anywhere! Let me also say this: Love alone is not enough to get an A sober. If we could love our A's into recovery, this site would not even exist.
Although you really are powerless over her drinking, you are absolutely not powerless over how you and your children live your lives and the level of happiness and peace you feel. Reaching out to people here is a great first step. Continue reading, posting, and learning. Alanon says "We are only as sick as our secrets", and it seems you've been keeping a lot of them. Your path will gradually become clear.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
A good first step is reading as much as you can here. You'll likely see yourself in many of the stories and know that you're NOT alone at all. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, either. They're a great source of information and inspiration. This thread from there might be useful to you now: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Another poster mentioned Alanon, and I'd agree w/that recommendation. Alanon can be a great source of education and face-to-face support for you. You mention kids, and Alateen might be right for them, too. A lot of folks really resist the idea, for any number of reasons. There are a ton of threads here talking about that, and then there is this article, which I like: But I Don’t Want to Go to Al-Anon!
I understand your desire to have your "smart, funny, loving wife back." Totally. The hard part is that only she can make the decisions that will allow that to happen. Rest assured, nothing you did or didn't do has caused her drinking. If stress truly was the cause of alcoholism, there wouldn't be a sober person to be found anywhere! Let me also say this: Love alone is not enough to get an A sober. If we could love our A's into recovery, this site would not even exist.
Although you really are powerless over her drinking, you are absolutely not powerless over how you and your children live your lives and the level of happiness and peace you feel. Reaching out to people here is a great first step. Continue reading, posting, and learning. Alanon says "We are only as sick as our secrets", and it seems you've been keeping a lot of them. Your path will gradually become clear.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
I remember <that voice>... made me die a little inside every time I heard it. I go to alanon, the voice and our reaction to it have been shared about quite a few times.
I don't have a lot to add to whats been said, but this sadness can be lessened. The marriage will never be what it was, but its possible for it to turn it into something new & better.
As far as what and how; I think you start by healing yourself, and helping the kids do it for themselves. You cannot heal your wife, she will or will not and you can't make her do it.
That said, she is actively using and having that kind of thing going on in front of the kids is very bad. You might find it necessary to establish a "no active alcoholism" boundary in the house and have to either ask her to leave or leave w/ the kids if she does not honor it. Though that question may be on the table I would urge you to develop some kind of recovery for yourself and facilitate your childrens' before taking action. As horrible as the situation no doubt is, once you push that button there is no going back. Back in the spring of this year my wife and I were right on the edge of separation- she had stopped drinking but neither of us had developed much recovery yet. It takes a while.. just getting some recovery going for your kids will help them a lot even if your wife continues to use.
It took me 4 or 5 months of twice weekly alanon meetings and a lot of self-study to start thinking more clearly and acting more reasonably. Things are a <lot> better than last year at this time, which is balm to my soul, and it becomes clear theres a lot of recovery to be done in the future... all in good time.
Good luck!
I don't have a lot to add to whats been said, but this sadness can be lessened. The marriage will never be what it was, but its possible for it to turn it into something new & better.
As far as what and how; I think you start by healing yourself, and helping the kids do it for themselves. You cannot heal your wife, she will or will not and you can't make her do it.
That said, she is actively using and having that kind of thing going on in front of the kids is very bad. You might find it necessary to establish a "no active alcoholism" boundary in the house and have to either ask her to leave or leave w/ the kids if she does not honor it. Though that question may be on the table I would urge you to develop some kind of recovery for yourself and facilitate your childrens' before taking action. As horrible as the situation no doubt is, once you push that button there is no going back. Back in the spring of this year my wife and I were right on the edge of separation- she had stopped drinking but neither of us had developed much recovery yet. It takes a while.. just getting some recovery going for your kids will help them a lot even if your wife continues to use.
It took me 4 or 5 months of twice weekly alanon meetings and a lot of self-study to start thinking more clearly and acting more reasonably. Things are a <lot> better than last year at this time, which is balm to my soul, and it becomes clear theres a lot of recovery to be done in the future... all in good time.
Good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 4
We had a pretty good weekend. She had a bad cold (and I took all of the cash and debit card), so there was no drinking and minimal arguing. I found an Alanon meeting tomorrow night that I'll go to, as well. I need to find a better way to deal with all of this anger.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I'm really glad that you're going to check out Alanon. Go several times, and do try a couple different meetings if you can. Some of us have felt at home right away, others have had to search a bit more for a good fit, but the relief is really indescribable when things start to work.
I felt a lot of anger myself, and still do at times, but SR and Alanon have helped me a great deal.
Thanks for stopping in--keep coming back!
I felt a lot of anger myself, and still do at times, but SR and Alanon have helped me a great deal.
Thanks for stopping in--keep coming back!
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