gleefan

I stopped drinking in February, and have been actively working on my recovery in AA and on SR since then. I introduced myself to the Friends and Family section earlier this week when I resigned myself to the fact that my husband is not going to stop drinking just because I'd like him to. Our ongoing arguments about it have left me exhausted and brokenhearted, and you all gave me a soft place to land. Thank you!

Prior to quitting drinking, I thought H and I had a better than average relationship. Since quitting, I've come to understand that I'm an alcoholic, codependent, who is verbally/emotionally mistreated by her husband. As I read the Friends and Family threads, I am positively stunned at seeing "my" relationship dynamics told over and again, by the forum's users.

Whether my husband is intentionally undermining me or not, I don't know. But I do know that his words have undermined my feelings about my mind, body, and spirit, every possible part of me. He doesn't accept the little things about me, the choices I make - or the immutable facts about me. I even read someone post that their husband crossed the street ahead of them to throw them off kilter, then gave her a hard time because she complained - that happens to me too!!

What complicates things is that I have panic disorder. I've taken medication for it off and on over the years (he doesn't believe in psychiatric medication!), and while I was deep in my alcoholism, although I took meds, it wasn't managed at all.

I was in line at the store last week, feeling absolutely sweaty, panicky, and wild eyed. I remembered back to when I took meds and could relatively comfortably wait in a long line. The next morning, I read a post from a user on SR that her anxiety disorder had improved drastically since quitting drinking. And it all fell into place in my mind: my anxiety made it hard for me to function, and my codependent reliance on my husband was in part due to my unmedicated anxiety disorder. I realized that if I wanted to practice detachment from my husband, if I wanted to live my authentic life, I needed to treat my anxiety disorder. So, I resumed taking medication. It's a tiny dose of a fast-acting medication, but it's just enough so that I can root myself and deep breathe through my anxiety.

Years ago, even when I took medication, I was still living a life of chaos, negativity, and anger. Today, taking medication while working on my recovery, I felt the joy, happiness and freedom that AA promises.

I've realized since I quit drinking that I'm unhappy in my marriage. It's lacking the warmth, intimacy, companionship, sweetness, joy, and fun that I'm looking for. I recognize that my drinking, anxiety and codependency contributed to the mess that I'm in.

I need to figure out how to get from where I am to where I want to be.

I'm throwing it out there to you all - what is the next right thing to do?

SeriousKarma

When you find out, let me know. I seem to only know I've done the right thing when I'm looking at it in hindsight.

AnvilheadII

first and foremost, keep YOUR sobriety your top priority. now the anxiety meds HAVE a chance to HELP you....

it could be that buried as you were in your own addiction you never really SAW your husband with a wide enough angle lens....you had needs, he filled those needs....for a time.

more will be revealed. unless you are feeling unsafe, suffering abuse, you probably don't need to act TODAY. be observant and thoughtful.....take care of you. maybe hit some alanon meetings for balance.

lillamy

I think this is something many of us have in common here. Somehow, it's easier to identify the dysfunction when someone else tells the story, isn't it?

As far as what the next step is -- I think Anvil is right on the money. Nothing else is going to matter if you don't focus on your sobriety and recovery. Drinking probably dulled your senses to the stuff that was bad in your marriage -- now you're seeing it clearly, it's harder to deal with.

Do you have a sponsor? A therapist? I'm not a recovering addict myself, so I don't know -- but I would think that in your situation, I'd want to tread really carefully and not make any decisions that could put me in a situation where my recovery felt wobbly or threatened.

dandylion

gleefan.....it seems that you have already pulled the curtains back on a lot of the dysfunction that you have been living in.....and, good for you!

You already have the 12 steps of AA as your main anchor. As for the co-depencency, I would suggest reading "Co-dependency No More". It is practically classic reading in these circles. "From Abandonment to healing" is another one.
Of course alanon is there as well as getting a personal therapist if you don't already have one.

Otherwise, be true to yourself above all....and, take it one day at a time, babe.....

dandylion

gleefan

Thanks. The concept "more will be revealed" is a powerful one. My ah does small but subtle things that undermine me, that show his resentment and pain.

Today he told our 10 year old that the reason the 10 year old vomited is because of what he ate for dinner. It wasn't super healthy, but it wasn't terrible. It's what I cooked and served him!! (See, ah wanted me to make rice or potato, but I didn't. That's why he's taking shots at the dinner my children ate.)

Last night my foot was touching him as he tried to fall asleep, and he was like "mooooove!!!" Because he was sober. (This is the same guy who, when drunk, has awakened me out of a full sleep for years because he loves me and wants to snuggle.) In the past Id think it was my fault for him moving my foot - he's crabby because he didn't drink but I didn't reward him (sexually).

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm learning that if I focus on my pain all I'll feel is pain. I'm trying to detach, and focus on all the wonderful love that's come into my life as a result of recovery - from my sponsor, from other struggling alcoholics, from my friends, and from alcoholics who've become my friends. My life is much fuller in recovery. AH feels like a hindrance to joyous, happy and free.

Rosalba

You're doing brilliantly! Congratulations on not drinking in the face of all this.

Let yourself know that your AH's behaviour is par for the course; living with a drinking alcoholic is a crazy-making nightmare - you don't need me to tell you this! - but part of detachment is recognising that this is about him, not about you.

Many alcoholics will try to drag others down with them, but you do have a choice as to whether you allow yourself to be dragged. I had a long term, long distance relationship with a guy who I knew liked a drink, but it was only when I moved in with him that I realised quite how serious and scary it was. I'd worked in mental health, and was familiar with people making bizarre comments, calling staff bizarre things and, well, behaving like people who were mentally ill. So I was familiar with detaching, taking on board that this wasn't about ME, but a symptom of their psychosis.

It was when I realised I was treating my partner as if he were a patient, and just not rising to any of the permanent low-level hostility (when he was sober) and physical and verbal aggression (when he'd been drinking) that I questioned whether I should be in the relationship at all. He ended it after three months, complaining that he wanted a 'normal relationship' and it was all 'so weird' (!) I guess he'd been hoping for a particular type of response from me, and it was freaking him out when he didn't get it.

I'm an ACOA; someone from a healthier background would likely have spotted the warning signs very early in the relationship, and got out then.

If you continue working the program, making your recovery your first priority NO MATTER WHAT, taking medication when you need it, getting support when you need it and detaching from someone still practising the disease, everything else will take care of itself. I can say that with confidence.

I've been in and out of therapy for years - these days for personal growth rather than deep-seated issues - and my experience was that I'd have an idea of what the issues were, and where I wanted to be... but as I got healthier, I realised that it wasn't at all what I'd expected. When we look at the world, it's always from the perspective of where we're at right now. As we change and get healthier, that perspective changes too.

It's a bit like trying to imagine what the view from the top of a mountain will be like, when we're still on the ground on the other side of it. But how we get there is one step at a time.

For now, you'll likely start to feel the pain which was numbed for years with alcohol. It doesn't last for ever, but it's only in feeling it for real that you can get rid of it.

One Day at a Time!

(((HUGS))) and good luck with all this!

FeelingGreat

gleefan, you've identified that the most important steps to where you want to go are to do with yourself, rather than your husband.
My own experience when trying hard to heal from a traumatic, life changing period was to just concentrate on the small steps you know are good for you, like the medication, sobriety, a healthy lifestyle and building a social life which isn't dependent on your AH. Although it often seems you're not making progress, after a period of time you may look back in surprise and realise how far you've come. You've already done that as your mind has cleared.
Fantastic effort to stay sober with alcohol in the house. That takes a lot of commitment.

LSC1

Wow Can I relate to a lot of your post. I stopped drinking 2 years ago. My hubby continues to drink heavily and daily. I totally can relate to his undermining of EVERY decison I make .. big or small. This has resulted in me haing zero confidence in my abiliy to male decisions.

There is no intimacy in our marriage of over 20 years. There is minimal communication... there is a lot of resentment at him from me due to his drinking. I try to discuss things without the resentment from surfacing .. I usually fail.

So everyday I say a little more about how I feel .... i just can't bring myself to say it outloud all in one go. I am only still in this relationship because of my kids. He is a good Dad most of the time.

I wish I had a crysal ball so I could see the future.I know I want to be happy. I also need to work out the next step .... your not alone ... take care

fluffyflea

Keep working on yourself,work on your steps if you are not already.

firebolt

Congrats on your sobriety! Keep up the good fight!

I don't have much to offer, but another amazing book. The language of letting go. I's just a daily inspirational with many of the same sentiments of Codependent no More and Alanon. 1 page or so for every day of the year. I open mine sporadically, but no matter how the day is going, it helps me SO MUCH.

Best to you and your family!

NYCDoglvr

Be very, very careful of the meds because they are highly addictive and, once you're hooked, much harder than alcohol to kick. It requires rigorous honesty to not increase pills because even though we're recovering, denial and rationalization are always perched on our shoulder. Do you have a sponsor? If so I hope you are completely honest. Regarding getting to where you want to be is a process of awareness. Your priority must be your sobriety.

Hammer

Where you are to where you want to be?

Here is was my path . . . .

I had to put it simpler -- called it Crappy to Happy.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...appy-list.html

A ways into the trip, and I cannot always see real clear out the windows to figure out where we are . . . .

But that is probably because of the FOG.

You know about FOG? short of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. Seems I brought some of that along on my own for the trip.

But on the clear nights and days -- I can see the Sun and Stars and know we are on the way.

gleefan

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and the hope that everything will work out if I work it.

My sobriety is so important to me. I recently got a sponsor in AA, and am starting on step one. I am honest with her, as honest as I can be, and from our first conversation she has had this amazing gift at pulling even more honesty out of me, helping me see things even more clearly, without coercing it out of me or telling me what to think. She asked the medication I'm taking and the doses.

I think it's so interesting that my perspective of success will evolve with my personal growth. I never thought of it that way.