WeTheLiving

Hello I haven't talked to any of you in a long time. It's been about 14 months since my ex alcoholic boyfriend of five years left rather abruptly. Actually I had him hauled away by ambulance. Didn't let him come back. Changed all the locks. I've done really well since that time. Got myself into a medical weight-loss program at the local university. Over the course of the 14 months I've lost hundred pounds. I look great. Now a size 6. I reconnected with my wonderful group of friends. That I had left behind in the last five years that I was with my XABF .They're very supportive. I've gone pretty much no contact with my XABF for the much of the time, nearly no contact and only by email and what I did that was very limited. Mostly revolve around him getting his stuff out of my house which he finally did in May. After that time I went strict no contact. It's been harder emotionally since I let go of even the tiniest bit of contact. Once in a while I get an email from him. I usually delete it. I don't reply. From what I hear from mutual friends he still drinking and Still living with his kid sleeping on the kids couch. He is 58 years old and has been drinking since he was probably about 16. At one time in his life he was very successful before he lost everything because of the drinking. Actually he's done better with me then I thought he would, seriously feared that he would be dead by now. Things with him for the five years they were very very difficult. numerous trips to the hospital. Drinking was out-of-control. Ruined holidays and birthdays Fights screaming kicking lots of drama. you guys know what I mean. Well now the dust has settled and I have my quiet home back. And now I find myself missing him. His smile his eyes his sense of humor. All those little endearing things. I don't know I guess because maybe all the bad things have faded into the background and I just remembered the things that I liked about him and I miss those things. I have not seen him for the entire 14 months. I know that I cannot go back to this relationship that it is totally wrong for me would be the worst thing that I could ever do for myself. I still find myself missing him however this morning I just cried in the bathroom. I have just had A big decade birthday. I have lots of great things going for me right now and really I have some very happy times with my friends. So when am I going to forget about him? I was attracted to a guy in my social group but I think he has problems. He's not an addict he's not an alcoholic. But he has some definite issues. He may be a hoarder. He's never been married. Very sweet though. A lovely person. But he's cheap and I don't like that. Anyway I'm sure he's not right for me. But I'm still attracted to him. I'm trying now to ignore that feeling. Do I need to get busier? I have a pretty demanding and stressful job. Anyway it's hard and no one really understands except maybe you guys. When I tell my friends that I miss my ex-alcoholic boyfriend I know that they're completely mortified. Doesn't mean that I'm going to get back together with him. Because I'm not. I just feel like I'm in limbo or something. I don't have any children or grandchildren. I have a very small family. I do spend a lot of time alone. I think if I was in another relationship I would probably not think about him anymore. God only knows when that will come along if ever.

AnvilheadII

Well now the dust has settled and I have my quiet home back. And now I find myself missing him

those five years brought lots of drama and chaos and upheaval and while painful offered a LOT of ACTION. never a dull (quiet) moment.

now you have quiet. and it's so.......QUIET. in the past whenever there was a lull in the action it simply meant there was MORE action to follow. you probably are still on alert....you are in NEW territory....new body, new surroundings, new life.

give it time babe. you are doing awesome.

WeTheLiving

Thank you Anvilhead for your understanding. just need to give it more time.

HealingWillCome

Congratulations! Everything you have accomplished is fantastic!

Self-discovery is an important step in your healing process. This a great time to start looking deeper into your reasons for choosing an unhealthy relationship with xabf in the first place.

In spite of all your hard work, your underlying issues will continue to cause you to seek unhealthy relationships for as long as they are ignored. Think of it like the alcoholic being sober for 14 months without a program. Relapse is a lot more likely without a healthy recovery plan.

I learned this the hard way. I kept recycling bad relationships with alcoholic men until I figured out what was broken in me. Now I'm genuinely happy with who I am, but it took counseling, Al-Anon, SR, and a lot of honest, painful soul searching to get there. I'm not in a relationship right now and it can be a little lonely at times...but I no longer depend on a relationship to define my happiness. If and when the right healthy person comes along, I'll welcome it.

I encourage you to treat yourself to some therapy and/or Al-Anon before looking for another man to ease the loneliness or to try to forget about your xabf.

WeTheLiving

Thank you Healing. think I'm just going through a big birthday crisis time right now. Maybe it's like a midlife crisis only a little past midlife. I'm sure a little counseling would not hurt me though thank you