Southerncross

My husband came out to his family and myself 3 months ago that he is an alcoholic and had been lying about going to school for 2years.

Since he was the one to bring it up, and ask for help, I had really high hopes for him.
He initially got himself to a doctor and put on anti anxiety meds and started on his road to recovery. He has had a couple of relapses, which I understand to be a normal phase - but he is still continuing to lie about things.

He started at aa and then stopped, but after his last relapse started again. But he keeps telling me that he is doing this to make sure he doesn't lose me. That if I'm not happy he can't be happy.

Can he be successful with this frame of mind?

I have recently started in al-anon and am learning to make sure I help him and not just get angry/contribute to his disease. Because I know I have been doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons to "help him".

I'm just concerned that he still hasn't really found his rock bottom and that he is only attempting recovery to make up for the lying he has done in the past - to fix relationships instead of help himself.

Any advice?

doggonecarl

Work on an exit strategy. If he wants to recover, you'll see the difference in his behavior and actions. Just like you will see if he's just going through the motions.

Plan for the latter, just so you aren't sideswiped my another relapse.

HeartsAfire

Keep working on you. You will never regret it.

It's so hard - trust me I know. My ex-husband was a sex addict and we tried to work it out. If I knew then what I know now, I would've stopped trying to control his recovery and focus solely on me. If I had done that my alcoholism may have stopped sooner rather than now. I was more focused on his recovery than him in the end it contributed to our marriage ending (along with his inability to stop having sex outside of our marriage - go figure).

Stay on your side of the street. You can't control him or his recovery (or lack thereof). You can only control you.

We're here for you.

DG0409

It's impossible to guess whether or not he will be successful. I quit in large part because of somebody ese- but also because the pain had become too great for me. And eventually my recovery became all about me and my health.

You might check out the Friends and Family of Alcoholics section on this site. There is a lot of great information in that section. But it's also good to read in the alcoholics side and get an idea of how it is for your husband.

Going to Al-Anon and posting here is a really good start. Please try to keep some focus on YOU. What are your goals? Are you taking care of yourself- eating well, gettting exercise, doign stuff that you enjoy? This is going to be a long process and you can't affort to neglect yourself throughout- regardless of how his recovery goes.

Keep posting. There is tons of support here.

Southerncross

Thanks for the answers...

I have been on the friends and family forum, I guess I was hoping to get some insight from those who have gone/are going through their own recovery.

I do feel like it's a losing battle, but I also wouldn't want to give up on him completely. Although in reality I'm sure I already know the answers to my own questions.

I'm doing my best to work on me, it's hard because I care for him and he moved states to be with me. So he doesn't have his family support nearby.
It's only been a few months but already it's all taken it's toll on me. So I'm certainly afraid for what's ahead.

Thanks again for your answers...

Soberwolf

Take it slow be patient its obvious hes trying you must nurture that if you are to help him get thru

be patient and kind a gentle approach helps

try to talk to him about the cause of the relapses in a loving manner if you think he is lying then tell him outright and that yes you will help etc

but trust is built on honesty and if its going to work he has to be truthful

if he is lying threaten to leave sounds strong but it will only work if hes truthful and honest

my gf moved out during my worst drinking tired of coming home to a passed out guy KO on the floor nothing to come home too

i said to my gf when i was got sober that i had completly ruined her trust in me in all things sensible and it was very important for me to get my 'Word' back

after i reached 1year sober i said to my gf so... now i can give you my word again

my gf replied you always had your word i just wanted you back to give me your word

it was a touching moment

Notmyrealname

Drunks will tell you what they think you want to hear. I don't mean discount it outright, but just understand, placating people through lie and omission becomes a way of life after awhile.

Further, even if the answers are honest answers, there is often much omitted. You're going to get part of the answer, like, "yes, I will try to cut back on drinking."

That's the answer you want, so that's the answer you get. And it might even be true -- but there's this omission of material information, like:

". . but I don't think I will succeed, I don't see how I can cut back, and I've tried before and failed over and over, and I'm only telling you that I'll try because if I say something else this situation is going to blow up in my face right now and I just can't take it."

On the other hand, if your husband came clean about lying about being in school for two years (that is some impressive long-term deception, by the way), maybe he's all-in on the honesty thing and on the right track for getting better.

These questions often come down to credibility determinations, and there's no way to make those across the internet with limited, secondhand information.

I can tell you the safe answer, which is run away and go find someone who has their head on a little straighter, but the heart wants what it wants.

Good luck

3arai

I'm going to be straight with you.
If you don't have kids, I think there is only one answer. If you have kids, maybe there is somewhere you can stay with them for a little time out and some space.

Good luck, I'm sure you are reeling.

Dee74

I tried to get sober for a lot of people...but my heart wasn't in it.
Deep down I didn;t think it was a problem.

The only way I got sober for good, years later, was because I wanted it.

I can't say that your husband thinks the same as I did tho - you'd have a better chance of gauging that

I wish you both the best

D

Thepatman

I admitted I had a problem with alcohol at around the age of 25, joined SR in 2012, sobered up and relapsed many times until I finally learned enough how to deal with life sober, learned my triggers and developed the toolsets I needed. Now turning 40 in a few weeks, sober for a month, and ready for my second part of my life, sober!

That's my journey, and everyone is different. But if your partner admitted he has a problem, it doesn't necessarily mean he is ready and has the tools etc. but admitting to himself is a big step.

Put the priority on you, his journey is in his hands. You can only support him to a certain extent.

My 25 cents

least

If it were me, I'd let him know I support his efforts at recovery but draw the line at his lying. You must have honesty in any lasting relationship.

Southerncross

Some really good points.

I'm really pretty certain that he is most definitely lacking in many toolsets for all of life's challenges - not just drinking. And as I mentioned before, I don't think he is doing this for him.

Many thanks for your words... It's helping immensely to hear others stories.