KidsR#1

AH and I talked for quite a bit tonight. It was great. He asked if he could spend the night tomorrow after visiting b/c it would save him an hr of travel time for his plans on sunday. Even offered to sleep on the couch. I hesitated to give an answer and he said it was fine if it was too soon. I was just surprised that he asked and wasn't prepared how to answer. I wanted to say yes, but was worried what that would say to the kids. They just got used to him not being here at night. He agreed with that point.

He told me that he wants to move back home. He has been sober for 3 weeks and he wants to get a month under his belt before we start talking about him moving back.

He's seeing his therapist weekly, meeting his sponsors @ least once a week, going to aa meetings, and seeing his regular doctor monthly. She prescribed him two different meds that help with his anxiety and depression and he is now sleeping better. I have noticed a change in him as well in the last 2 weeks.

All the posts I read talk about waiting a yr to make changes like living together again. That feels so long. Part of me feels we should give it a shot, but I am also hesitant because I am scared of things falling apart. I tend to trust him easily but admit that I am also naive at times. When I think of the future I still see him back here. I am not ready to give up on us.

We left off that he would visit more often the next few weeks and we will see how it goes. I also mentioned some marriage counseling so we can sort through stuff, going on more dates and him helping around the house more. Am I asking too much, too soon?

AnvilheadII

He has been sober for 3 weeks

'nuf said.

hopeful4

I suggest more time, like a year. Xxx

Dojang

No one can predict the future, but I can share my experience. Mine was sober almost 4 weeks, then he relapsed 10 days ago. It was awful & I'm still reeling from the emotional abuse he inflicted on me that night. He doesn't remember anything, of course, but I can't stop thinking about it. He sure made up for the time he wasn't drinking all in one night. I wish I had waited & not rushed into taking him back. I'm just so thankful my daughter was at her dad's house that night & didn't have to see it. I have ended things with him for good, but am still dealing with the deep emotional pain he inflicted in that 1 night. I can't change what happened, but I definitely learned from it.

guava

Only my opinion here but way too soon. My AH had six months...or at least that was what he conveyed to me and our therapist. I think being back at home in the same environment with all his triggers - he just wasn't ready. It only took three weeks and the relapse was worse than what he was like when he left. It truly is a progressive disease. The back and forth is so hard on kids - and on you. It's worth the wait.

CodeJob

What do you want? Not the kids or his convenience. You.

lillamy

My ex was sober for four months and then went back to getting drunk on a daily basis.

cookiesncream

Rather than answering your question I'll give you my two cents from my own experience as the AW. I was living at home going through outpatient rehab. Before I made it that far hubbie set a very clear boundary, a line in the sand if you will. If I ever relapsed I would be out of the house,period, end of story. Figuring out what your own boundaries are, then making them crystal clear, and prepare to followthrough should they be broken may be the hardest, but the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids.

Now hubbie and I have talked about that whole thing since then and come to a mutually agreed upon definition of what a relapse would look like. We're still on the same page. We have a minor in the house. Drunk Mommy isn't good for anyone, even I realize that.

IMHO you really need to look deeply into yourself. Whether that is therapy, Al Anon, a non secular based group for friends and family doesn't matter. Figure out what you want and timetables will be easier to establish.

While in outpatient rehab I saw more people relapsing again and again and again where firm boundaries were not in place. I admit it was hard on me at first but now I have come to value them. Your hubbie if he realizes that your kids are #1 should be putting them above "convenience" etc.

KidsR#1

AH knows this is his last chance, that if he moves back and starts drinking again, that is it. he says the time away has been a real eye opener as to what his life will be like if he screws up. Also on his last chance with his job as well. I don't think he thought that I would ever tell him to leave like I did a month ago. He agreed though it was the best thing for the kids.

You are all right, it is too soon and deep down I know that too. Otherwise I would not have had the initial reaction I did last night when he asked to stay or brought up about moving back in.

dandylion

KidsR#1.....it might be helpful for you to know that early recovery has several Stages--in the first year. If they grab hold if the AA recovery program...,there is what is called the "pink cloud" period where they are very excited about recovery and feel that things are looking really good. They may feel that "Iv'e got this covered. Everything will be o.k.--I am not in danger of relapse.

Perhaps you could prepare yourself...by looking up the first year "stages"...so that you will not be misled by his self-confident exuberance....cause he doesn't see where the rocks are in the water.....

dandylion

CodeJob

Hey there KidsR#1-

It is truly you and your H's decision. You have a big bang boundary. That is mine too.

You can look through some of my older posts about me whining/venting about my life with RAH in early recovery. We still smart off and argue with each other and are having issues at 17 mo sober. We ARE in marriage counseling now though. We tried it around 3 mo sober and he was NOT READY. For those curious, the intimacy is still a non-starter.

I love my H. He is changed from his 'recovery.' I don't know what the lack of intimacy stems from as frankly he will not check out a medical issue, or admit to a mental block towards me, or a mental block re: some kind of abuse history). I do know that he seems oddly content being my roommate and I pretty much want to taser him. If I met someone, I'd be in major trouble. I am terribly lonely. There is many a day or evening that I wished for some peace that he had his own little cave to give us each some personal space. Good Luck.

NYCDoglvr

Relationships are very stressful for recovering alcoholics so I would give him at least eight months, better a year. Volatile emotions are a very quick route to a relapse. I know what you want, but wishing that he'll stay sober won't make it happen. It is naive to believe everything will be find after a few weeks. You are wise to consider the children in this ... the odds aren't on his side, but maybe he'll be one of the lucky ones. Still, the kids should come first.

KidsR#1

Wondering if the yr waiting period is something that is recommended in the AA program or therapists? Or is it just people finds that has worked from experience b/c the 1st yr is the most difficult during recovery?

BoxinRotz

I did not leave my AH Kids. Yes, we don't have children but we have dogs and the dogs were affected but the closest I've come to leaving is 3 days at the most to get peace. I always went back and he always tried harder. He's been sober now since May I believe. He's going to counseling and he almost lost his job over it this last time.

I see nothing wrong with you wanting to give him another chance. If he goes back to it, stick to your plan of him having to leave and end it because he's not serious. He could be ready to stop. No one knows for sure but him. I won't look down on you for wanting to keep him in your home, as long as he's going to therapy, staying sober and working on making things right for all of you. You have to do the same because his sickness has made you sick too. You both have to recover from this.