Did I do the right thing by leaving ?
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Did I do the right thing by leaving ?
Hi Guys I am new to this message stuff and being in recovery. I left my user after of being together for 10 years, 3 weeks ago. I attended a coda meeting today and well.. I feel weird.
I am getting a case of did I do the right thing.
He drinks 8 to 12 beers a night or ½ a bottle of VO. I can count on one hand the number of nights he hasn’t drank. (in 10 years ) The guy is a very effective drunk. He goes to work every day. He is in management. His father is even a retired DUI lawyer and also a very effective alcoholic. He makes tons of money. He was emotionally not available most of the time. (no really,)
I am trying to convince myself that I left for the right reasons?
I came to the conclusion that all the dreams that we created together were just illusions to keep me there.
But today I feel a bit guilty that I left.
I tried to stick it out for 10 years. I tried to help him but I ending up loosing myself…
He is still drinking like a fish and is just blaming me for leaving. He has no intention of getting better.
Do any folks have any great stores about leaving?
Does anyone have any great stories about you getting better even if the user didn’t?
I am getting a case of did I do the right thing.
He drinks 8 to 12 beers a night or ½ a bottle of VO. I can count on one hand the number of nights he hasn’t drank. (in 10 years ) The guy is a very effective drunk. He goes to work every day. He is in management. His father is even a retired DUI lawyer and also a very effective alcoholic. He makes tons of money. He was emotionally not available most of the time. (no really,)
I am trying to convince myself that I left for the right reasons?
I came to the conclusion that all the dreams that we created together were just illusions to keep me there.
But today I feel a bit guilty that I left.
I tried to stick it out for 10 years. I tried to help him but I ending up loosing myself…
He is still drinking like a fish and is just blaming me for leaving. He has no intention of getting better.
Do any folks have any great stores about leaving?
Does anyone have any great stories about you getting better even if the user didn’t?
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi MVDW,
Welcome to the message board. I am usually the only one awake this late so at least I can say hello. I left and I've grown by leaps and bounds since then. He is still using, still losing jobs every 3 months and still exactly the same as he was when I left. I think it was better for him that I did leave. I almost drove him crazy trying to get him to clean his life up. He didn't want to. He is a lot happier now than he was when we were married. So in a strange sort of way, things worked out for both of us. We were only married for a short period of time though. It must be a difficult decision after 10 years. I know that being truthful is always the best way to go. If you were to stay only for his benefit it would end up hurting him in the long run.
Check back in the morning for more feedback.
Morning Glory
Welcome to the message board. I am usually the only one awake this late so at least I can say hello. I left and I've grown by leaps and bounds since then. He is still using, still losing jobs every 3 months and still exactly the same as he was when I left. I think it was better for him that I did leave. I almost drove him crazy trying to get him to clean his life up. He didn't want to. He is a lot happier now than he was when we were married. So in a strange sort of way, things worked out for both of us. We were only married for a short period of time though. It must be a difficult decision after 10 years. I know that being truthful is always the best way to go. If you were to stay only for his benefit it would end up hurting him in the long run.
Check back in the morning for more feedback.
Morning Glory
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi MVDW
Welcome
I am struggling with the leaving issue myself. Haven't done it yet. I stuck in there during so many years of his drinking and recoveries but this last time was the "straw that broke the camels back" so to speak.
He is in rehab and I am struggling with this. Not sure if I can do this all over again. I finally had had enough and knew I needed to think of me.
I can't imagine this can be easy for you at all. But hopefully, in time, it will be the best decision you ever made for YOUR sake and peace of mind.
Please keep posting. This board is great!!!
Take care.
Many hugs.
Love
Debbie
Welcome
I am struggling with the leaving issue myself. Haven't done it yet. I stuck in there during so many years of his drinking and recoveries but this last time was the "straw that broke the camels back" so to speak.He is in rehab and I am struggling with this. Not sure if I can do this all over again. I finally had had enough and knew I needed to think of me.
I can't imagine this can be easy for you at all. But hopefully, in time, it will be the best decision you ever made for YOUR sake and peace of mind.
Please keep posting. This board is great!!!
Take care.
Many hugs.
Love
Debbie
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome!
I am the daughter of an A, the ex wife of an A, the mother of an A, and the current wife of a very functional A. I was young when my first husband and I split...it was more about how he was making me look, not a very deep, thoughtful split.
I made my son move out several yars ago and he has still not found his bottom and he is the kind who will either end up in jail or dead. Sad but true...and I cannot change it.
Now, I have been married to my present husband for 20 years and I consider it a daily choice to stay. I allow myself the option to leave tomorrow if I choose. At this point in my life ( I have many years of both active and less than active Al Anon under my belt) I don't even bother to try to change my husband. First of all he doesn't get it..he is not very evolved...and secondly if I could succeed in changing him I might not like the result. After all, he passes out most nights...what would I do if he wanted to stay awake and have "quality time" with me?! SSSHHHEEEEEEESSHH!
And also, if I left I would be taking myself with me...and who knows what kind of A I would end up with then?
I have gained enough strength in Al Anon that I know that I CAN leave...I CHOOSE to stay. I was told at a meeting once that you can choose to be married...one day at a time...and that is how I do it.
And I applaud those of us that do leave. The thought of not having my H underfoot sounds pretty appealing...more some days than others.
You wanted stories? That's mine...
And again,
(((((WELCOME)))))
Paula
I am the daughter of an A, the ex wife of an A, the mother of an A, and the current wife of a very functional A. I was young when my first husband and I split...it was more about how he was making me look, not a very deep, thoughtful split.
I made my son move out several yars ago and he has still not found his bottom and he is the kind who will either end up in jail or dead. Sad but true...and I cannot change it.
Now, I have been married to my present husband for 20 years and I consider it a daily choice to stay. I allow myself the option to leave tomorrow if I choose. At this point in my life ( I have many years of both active and less than active Al Anon under my belt) I don't even bother to try to change my husband. First of all he doesn't get it..he is not very evolved...and secondly if I could succeed in changing him I might not like the result. After all, he passes out most nights...what would I do if he wanted to stay awake and have "quality time" with me?! SSSHHHEEEEEEESSHH!
And also, if I left I would be taking myself with me...and who knows what kind of A I would end up with then?
I have gained enough strength in Al Anon that I know that I CAN leave...I CHOOSE to stay. I was told at a meeting once that you can choose to be married...one day at a time...and that is how I do it.
And I applaud those of us that do leave. The thought of not having my H underfoot sounds pretty appealing...more some days than others.
You wanted stories? That's mine...
And again,
(((((WELCOME)))))
Paula
Member
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Butler Pa
Posts: 77
Hi MVDW
The important thing is to honestly ask yourself if you left your A because you wanted to. .or to punish him and/or manipulate him into changing. If it is the latter. .don't get your hopes up.
From my experience in recovery and professionally, most addicts/alcoholics do not recover as long as someone is "propping" them up. .albeit with housing, food, emotional support, money. .you name it.
Along with the propping . .the co-alcoholic is always a target for the alcoholic's self loathing. .unless he/she is practicing a healthy recovery program.
You are probably experiencing "withdrawal" from your unhealthy relationship. Sometimes we need to literally detox ourselves from these poisonous relationships.
Put the focus on you. .don't indulge yourself with thinking about what he might or might not be doing. .
Just my two cents worth. This is a wonderful place to come and receive support ahd help. .KCB Maureen
The important thing is to honestly ask yourself if you left your A because you wanted to. .or to punish him and/or manipulate him into changing. If it is the latter. .don't get your hopes up.
From my experience in recovery and professionally, most addicts/alcoholics do not recover as long as someone is "propping" them up. .albeit with housing, food, emotional support, money. .you name it.
Along with the propping . .the co-alcoholic is always a target for the alcoholic's self loathing. .unless he/she is practicing a healthy recovery program.
You are probably experiencing "withdrawal" from your unhealthy relationship. Sometimes we need to literally detox ourselves from these poisonous relationships.
Put the focus on you. .don't indulge yourself with thinking about what he might or might not be doing. .
Just my two cents worth. This is a wonderful place to come and receive support ahd help. .KCB Maureen
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Welcome here!
Keep coming back, you will find wonderful people here, that have been where you are. I can tell you, because I am going through something VERY similar, you do feel like your going through withdrawls soon after you have them leave or you separate. I know this I feel it every day. Your feeling guilty because your used to feeling guilty for his actions/problems. I know, I feel the same way. I just wanted to let you know your not alone. My advice is get to a meeting. It will help you tremendously. Keep coming back here as well. If you ever need to talk you may email me if you would like. I understand where you are. Take care of yourself.
Love,
bonbon
Keep coming back, you will find wonderful people here, that have been where you are. I can tell you, because I am going through something VERY similar, you do feel like your going through withdrawls soon after you have them leave or you separate. I know this I feel it every day. Your feeling guilty because your used to feeling guilty for his actions/problems. I know, I feel the same way. I just wanted to let you know your not alone. My advice is get to a meeting. It will help you tremendously. Keep coming back here as well. If you ever need to talk you may email me if you would like. I understand where you are. Take care of yourself.
Love,
bonbon
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Virginia
Posts: 175
You are so not alone. It's been a year and a half and I still feel like that some days. I'm wondering if It'll ever go away or if I'll ever lead a normal life. If I'll ever get thoughts of him out of my mind. I don't know if it's him thatI'm obsessed with or it's the taking care of and wrapping myself up in the alcohol so I don't have to face my own demons.
I am so sick of this constant roller coaster. I just want to get off. One day at a time..that's what I kept saying to myself. That one day I'll wake up like a new person and all of this has been one big nightmare.
Sorry guys this is just one of those bad day...some days are good but some days are bad..just venting.
Take care!
[This message has been edited by helluvagalnva (edited April 08, 2002).]
[This message has been edited by helluvagalnva (edited April 08, 2002).]
I am so sick of this constant roller coaster. I just want to get off. One day at a time..that's what I kept saying to myself. That one day I'll wake up like a new person and all of this has been one big nightmare.
Sorry guys this is just one of those bad day...some days are good but some days are bad..just venting.
Take care!
[This message has been edited by helluvagalnva (edited April 08, 2002).]
[This message has been edited by helluvagalnva (edited April 08, 2002).]
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