marie1960

Wondering if my SR friends have any thoughts or words of wisdom they would like to share with me regarding my current choices and actions.

Well back in May or June when I posted about 46 year old A who had recently met a 21 year old and there was just something about her and he had to go find out............ Well guess what??? 21 really wasn't that interested in 46 after all.

Since the first week of August, he has been trying to get back into my life........( this doesn't include the daily emails he sent all of June and July) and I can say, what he wants is not ever going to happen....... But what is disturbing me is the fact that i am actually enjoying watching him suffer the consequences of his actions.

I am certain, his current heartache is because she dumped him, and has nothing to do with me, (as he professes or should i say LIES) but I am actually enjoying watching him grovel and play his best hand yet, it's all classic textbook, lie, deny, refuse to accept responsibility, shift the focus, have not heard one word of a recovery program out of his mouth.

We have been going out to dinner together on the weekends, we have gone to a baseball game together, attended a mutual friends engagement party together, some evenings we just sit on the side porch and I listen. I listen to his words and his words assure me that I am not ever going to be emotionally or physically involved with him again, and he swears he will make this right this time.

Everyday, I tell myself i am going to end the madness, enough of a front row seat to this very bad movie, yet I cannot stop watching. If I end this madness than I would not have been able to have a front row seat to the best part of the movie so far......

The other evening at this engagement party, there was this guy, who is a real pig in my book, approaches A, and starts going on about what a lucky guy he was to "be tapping a 21 year old", I turned around just in time to look A straight in the eye, and walked away, but lo and behold, standing within hearing distance of this putrid conversation is the 21 year old's mother, who I see in the ladies room. The girl's mother comments to me about what an azzhole the pig is, and goes on to say she would kill her 21 year old daughter if she was ever messing around with a 46 year old man....

I only had about 3 seconds to make the decision to remain silent or speak, and I blurted out " It was your daughter" The look of horror on her face matched mine,(as I was shocked that the words actually came out) I went and sat down next to one of my dearest girlfriends and within 5 minutes the mother of this girl threw a drink in A's face. That woman did what I have meant to do all along...... I actually enjoyed seeing him humilated, which leads me to question, what the hell is wrong with me? I am not sure what i am actually trying to do here, but i know it needs to stop, and i need take my life back, and not play these twisted, and sick games.

I know I have the power to shut the movie off, turn the channel, leave the theatre, but i don't. Someone hit me in the head with a dose of reality, please.

SparkleKitty

Well I think it's worth figuring out why you're not just walking away from it, right? You're a smart cookie. All I can say is recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. And just when you think you've got the lay of the land, you hit a hill. It's just a hill. You'll scale it when you've had enough of standing at the bottom and looking up.

Fandy

hi Marie;

you need to walk away fast, because you are going to turn around and start it up again. You don't need to be in the front row, you need better ways to occupy your time. What are you going to feel like when Mr. 46 meets Ms. 39 in a bar and they hook up? you really want to feel craptastic, it WILL happen. Mr. 46 has zero respect for any woman and he yaps about his conquests....he probably yaps about you too.

why on earth do you want to go out to dinner or anywhere with this jerk? or sit with him on your front porch like a couple?

find others who are worthy of your attention, get a dog to walk and have some healthy fun with someone who appreciates you.

ResignedToWait

Wow...I'm where you are Marie.

At this point, I also really enjoy hearing about my A's follies, missteps, and just basic all-around "omg did she really do that?!" incidents.

It's probably not healthy at all. (for me...us)
I sort of see it as a validation. At least, why it's "enjoyable". I've disconnected entirely from my A, that I can look at her hijinks as almost like it's happening to someone else not connected to me. It's a train wreck, and it's hard to look away.
Who among us doesn't enjoy a good drama when it doesn't impact us? It's just like that...because I feel disconnected enough that it doesn't impact me.

It's also a validation in the "See, I did make the correct decision in detachment" way. If my A was really trying to recover, really trying and earnest in her attempts...it would be a different story. In that case, I don't think I'd enjoy the hijinks at all, because it would be tragic.

But, she's not trying to recover, at all. According to her, alcohol is literally the ONLY thing in her life that's not a problem. It's a hoot.

lillamy

My divorce could have been swift and easy, but my ex made it difficult every step of the way. He even said to my lawyer that since I had hurt him so by leaving, he wanted to make sure I hurt as much as possible -- and since it's illegal to hurt people physically, he wanted to hurt me emotionally and financially.

My attorney said "you know, sometimes, people can't let go of a relationship -- even if all they have left is fighting and pain, that's still a way to stay tied to the relationship and avoid dealing with the fact that it's over and move on."

I'm telling you that story because maybe that's what you're doing? You know you don't want a relationship with him -- yet you have one. You meet with him. You go to parties with him. How is that not a relationship? Whether or not you actually sleep with him or move in with him again is a difference in grade, not in kind. You are holding on to a relationship with this man. And you holding on to it is preventing you from moving forward with your life.

Why is that? That's the question I would ask myself.

mysocalledlife

It seems to me quite simply that you feel a lot of anger and hurt about what he put you through and you want him to feel the same?Perhaps you felt humiliated in the past and that's why you enjoyed seemed him humiliated? Look after yourself marie anger and hurt can sometimes just breed more anger and hurt dont want you to be hurt at the end of the movie.

theuncertainty

I'm sorry, but I have to admit to having to stifle giggles at the sad plight of A and the pig's utter lack of brain power that he said that in front of the 21yo's _mom_. Ummmm, hello?

I completely understand watching the drama with a certain amount of relish. In a way, it's kind of liberating to see confirmation that AXH's drinking and.... difficulties weren't all my fault after all. You're aware of your reaction and that's an important step; you could have simply tossed the revelation out there with a hard grin on your face and sat back without a thought to your emotional involvement. But you are aware that you're still emotionally tied into the drama.

While I still have momentary lapses, for the most part, I've been able to move past watching for AXH's fallout. I haven't had to be around him, but I still had to remind myself that "I don't care anymore," when a tidbit of news would reach my ears. It's kind of like that saying that love and hate are two sides of the same coin. I had to decide I didn't want to hold that coin anymore and am actively working towards not having an emotional charge about AXH one way or the other.

Thumper

It is one thing to watch the drama and quite another to be part of the main cast.

Perhaps you aren't as detached and over him as you are telling yourself? Your actions do not match your words.

FireSprite

I DO understand, I do.

But.... it reads to me like your motivation here is retribution & shaming him more than it is about your own detachment or recovery? Almost like you are orchestrating the other players here in order to keep your hands clean? Like you are stringing him along just to watch him twist & suffer? Deserved or not, it can't make you feel good to get your jollies in such a snarky way..... if you wanna throw a drink in this guy's face & he deserves it, DO IT.... don't use someone else's pain as a catalyst.

Maybe take some time to examine what it is that you are getting out of being any part in all of this & what it is you are really looking for? The last thing you want after all this time is to sink to his level, right?

marie1960

I am seriously taking all of your words of wisdom to heart, and am truly trying to figure out my motivation for all of this is.

Three years ago when I ended our 5 year toxic relationship, I took the high road and avoided the world for about 13 months. When you live in a small town where the population is just under 5000 people, everyone knows everyone, and all their personal business.

I made absolutely certain that I would never be anywhere the XA might possibly be, I only went to the grocery store when I was certain he was at work, didn't go out for lunch at work, as I didn't want to run into him in a restaurant, I declined many invites, told little white lies as to why i could not attend if asked, here i was still living in the shadows of someone else's addiction.

When this all happened back in May I made a vow to myself that i would never again live behind closed doors, i would not hide, and i have nothing to be ashamed about,.

and I am seriously trying to figure out why in the hell I ever got reinvolved with him, i know effin better.

I Can truthfully say I did not mean to cause the mother of the 21 year old any pain, i was simply answering her none of her business question. She certainly has seen us together on a handful of occasions in the past 6-7 weeks, and I am not about to start lying for someone else. And while I cannot be certain of her reason for asking me such a painful question, I chose not to remain silent, and I will never allow someone's addiction to silence me again. I am not responsible for her daughter's or A's choices and actions. period. Throwing the drink in his face, was all her, not me, thinking I maybe more of the baseball bat kind of person these days, ( poor attempt at humor) but doesn't mean I couldn't appreciate it.

All I want to do is go forward and be ok in my own skin, it's as if i am trying to write an acceptable end to an unacceptable situation.

But i am clueless to what is driving me in this direction. just GRRRRRRRRRR.

Dear Fandy, I hear you loud and clear. !!!!!!!!!!

Thumper

Marie, you definitely do not need to live as a shut it. There is no need to adjust your life to avoid every possibility of running into someone.

This is not in the same ball park as running into an ex at the grocery store or a party. This is dating. You are dating your ex and whether it is to twist things to watch him crash and burn or you just aren't admitting to yourself that you are still enmeshed with him - I don't know - but that is the reality check I see.

What would an acceptable ending look like to you? Play that all the way though. What can you do to bring that closure in your heart? Focus on that and you might not find it so difficult to cut the chord.

Warm thoughts to you this weekend. Maybe make a deal with yourself and no contact with him this weekend unless you accidentally cross paths - then just smile and nod and keep doing your thing.

Fandy

But you are NOT ending it....it is dragging on and on. why keep in constant social contact with him? why go out to dinner on weekends? if it is such a small nosy town...

EVERYONE knows that you are Ms. take-him-back after he (Mr. 46) was cuddling with Ms. 21...he who gets patted on the back about his conquests...and came back because you make him feel wanted.

You must want to remove yourself from this circle of insanity, no?

suncatcher

Your situation sounds similar to mine. I moved an hour away after our toxic 5 year off and on relationship yet I still sometimes drive the hour to hang out with him in his garage. Why?! I don't know what I get out of these visits there is no affection so it's nothing physical. I know I have a hard time cutting ties and like you said I have a front row seat to a bad movie! That was a perfect description!

NYCDoglvr

If you think you're ending it, you're in denial. Indulge yourself if you like, but I suggest getting real about what you're doing. Alanon would be a big help.

Rosalba

The girl's mother was expressing anger in a very direct way and then walking away. For good; I'm guessing you might like to do this?

In answer to your question, though, it may be useful to look at this relationship in the context of the rest of your day-to-day life... I've hung out with guys who I knew were bad for me because I was lonely - working from home in the days before the internet - and didn't have much else exciting going on. They provided not just company, but part of a lifestyle that was fun - at the time - and one which I couldn't have created for myself in quite the same way. If I'd put as much energy into creating a happy fulfilled life for myself, as I did into some pretty dysfunctional relationships, my story would have been very different.

I guess I was looking for a relationship to provide all the good things for me, the things I'd neglected to work out for myself and, as the saying goes, 'Hungry people make poor shoppers'.

CodeJob

Hello Marie, Is it convenient to compare yourself against his train wreck? Helps you feel better than? Or think on how many of us on SR break away only to go another round with their Q? It's all we know and a fair amount of us are addicted to their addict. He's at arm's lengthy but you are getting something out of these interactions...

So mull it over. Decide what you want for yourself.

LoveMeNow

Boredom always brought me back to my addiction (my ex). Eventually, I had to go cold turkey (no contact) to gain some clarity. (sanity).

tsezin

Resentment...resentment...resentment...... An addict or alcoholic is often full of this type of negativity as a result of perceived injustices against them. we tend to use this as an excuse for our dangerous behavior. Once we sober-up we continue to have to deal with it. This can be risky because too much resentment will lead to relapse, or at the very least take much of the enjoyment out of recovery.
Have honest inventory....