LA Lady

professes to know all the answers regarding AA and AL Anon because she had an A husband and went to Al-Anon meetings for a couple of years.
While my SO and I are not legally married, we have been together for ten years and consider ourselves as husband and wife. We are in our 50's, love our life and each other as we are and do not feel we "have" to be legally married.

My dilemna is this. Last April, my SO and I separated and he went into rehab. We were separated for 6-7 months. During this time I joined Al-Anon and got help for myself. When I wanted to see my SO after rehab, this sister went balistic saying he and I should not be together and that even AA and Al-Anon says not to start any new relationships or make any changes for at least 1 year. She also told me I should detach from him totally - not seeing or talking to him for one year at least. After bringing this to share at my meetings I learned that detachment does NOT mean staying away from the A - it means detaching from the situation - with love - and no one in Al Anon would EVER tell anyone what to do and certainly not to stay away from their mate for a year! That statement in AA was meant for "starting new relationships" not an exsisting relationship. This sister will not stop trying to impose her belief on me and telling me that I am wrong. After all she is an "expert". I'm tired of her spreading lies to the family about us and would like to know how to tell her what she is saying is not correct. I am trying to put pricipals above personalities, but this is getting to me. I appreciate any suggestions. I ignore her as much as I can, but she IS his sister and will never totally go away!

sunflowergal29

Hi, LA Lady. It is hard to understand why someone who is supposedly healthy/in recovery has to be the way your sil is. My mil does this kind of thing to me too, giving me a real unhealthy perception of her account on Alanon (has been a member for a good 16 yrs). I have heard similar things from her, and I have resented her terribly for it. I have come to some conclusions though. She is obviously not as healthy as she may want to believe she is, and I can not let her negative and controlling attitude control how I feel. I have learned that no matter what I say or do, she is going to realize her behavior on her terms (maybe never?). I have also realized that in order to stop letting her behavior affect me, I need to stop putting myself in vulnerable positions (aka: telling her anything I don't want her to give advice on, even being around her more than what I know I need to be). These things help me and I consider this kind of thing as creating boundaries that I can live with. When I let it get to me, it really does- her little comments that catch me off guard hurt when I let them, but I can't base how I feel in accordance to how I feel she is judging me. In a perfect world, my mil and I would get along great (espec. for the kids and my h's sake), but reality is that our relationship may not ever be more than merely on civil terms only.
I have learned that Alanon does not encourage people to take each others inventory, even another members', so what my mil and your sil are doing is not Alanon practice, it is codie practice.
-SFG29

Mich

Ask her if she would like to join you at a meeting or maybe you could go to one of her meetings. while you are at the meeting ask the question, in a non threatning manner, reguarding the relationship issue for clarity. Maybe it will offer her some insight. I think it is a matter of opinion. I have heard mixed messages from others. I think EACH relationship MUST do what is right for them, ONE day at a time.

smoke gets in my eyes

Sounds like she doesn't go to meetings any more? If it were me I would say "Oh, Alanon has evolved and improved so much since you left." But then... I'm wicked.

You can't change her. She has the right to go on being wrong. Go around her.

Hugs,
Smoke

blueyes443

My oldest sister has to my knowledge ever been to a AA meeting or Al-Anon. When things in my life go bad she will say I am defensive. I have a feeling that she puts me on the defensive. Is this possible does anybody know. Our father was an Alcoholic and caused alot of trouble. Now my former husband is an active drinker. I moved away from him. He remarried and had another child. I was so hurt. Now his second marriage has fallen apart. I do not want nor will I get back with him. He has caused us alot of problems hurt. I raised my girls by myself and would not have a man in the house while they were growing up. I loved sex but have not had any luck with a relationship/ I don't know what happens but I am afraid of being hurt. It takes to much out of me. I go and listen at Al anon I do not share as I am doing now. My sister also tells me scarfice. I think I have done enough of this. I wish I knew how to deal with her..

splendra

I like what Smoke said.....