Buckets of abuse as a child

Old 09-19-2014, 07:39 AM
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Buckets of abuse as a child

So I've stuck around and am still reading every post and I find it very interesting how we became the way we all are. All fabulous in our codependency. I realize now from all of you - even though I've had years of therapy I. The past - that this all stems from the massive amounts of abuse I endured as a child. I have actually never had anyone love me except my son.

I was harshly emotionally physically mentally verbally abused my entire life by my mother. I was raped when I was 16 and it resulted in a pregnancy and her response was "I can't believe you spread your legs and let some guy put his d@@@ in you". She forced me to have an abortion which given my own choice is what I would have done anyway but still. It's so fresh in my mind after 22 years. She told me not to try out for cheerleading bc I know I won't make it. I should set my goals realistically. My 16th bday some friends wanted to take me out. She agreed. When they got to my house to pick me up she said I couldn't go. On and on and on. 7th grade I was abused so badly I sat down and cried hysterically everyday in classes so bad they put me in the hall bc I was disturbing the class. No help. No one tried to see what was wrong. No one cared. They still don't. I have been abandoned by my father before I was a year old. He know how abusive she was and he left me there.

Story of my life. I could go on for days. Not that good things haven't happened too but not very many. My son Is my world and always has been. At least I have that. Of course getting knocked up at 18 by a man who beats me and verbally abuses me didn't help but no worries he left and began to fight me for our son. Year in and year out he drug me through court. CPS would investigate I would be found not only a fit mother but a very good mother. Over and over again for years and years. Never allowing me to get on my feet. Keeping me down and broke.

Anyway. Way off topic...or not. I don't know. I'm just reflecting. Or something. I don't know what I'm doing.

Bless everyone of you for being here. Even though I'm falling back down the rabbit hole with AH I have a rope this time. Oh and I built a platform. Hopeful but realistic. Watching actions not listening to words with AH. And I'm standing on the platform. I can still see the light.

Thanks for the listen.

Mischa <3
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Old 09-19-2014, 07:43 AM
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Originally Posted by mischa1 View Post
Even though I'm falling back down the rabbit hole with AH I have a rope this time. Oh and I built a platform. Hopeful but realistic. And I'm standing on the platform. I can still see the light.
May you never lose sight of the light, Mischa! You are incredibly strong and brave. I think you likely define the word "survivor."

((((Hugs)))) for all you've been thru.
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Old 09-19-2014, 07:48 AM
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You remind me of one of my best friends. Not just because of the abuse you endured, but because of the strength you have that has gotten you through it all.

Where I'm from, people like you are referred to as "dandelion children" -- kids who have had such a horrid childhood that there's no reason they should make it. And yet, you do. Like dandelions breaking through the pavement. You fight. You live. You love. And you keep on going.

There are oodles of researchers working on finding out why people like you, and like my friend, against all odds are able to fight their way through the harshest conditions and find a way to thrive when people with lesser problems fold and give up.

Life keeps pushing you over but you keep getting up. That's some pretty tall cotton there, my friend. Be proud and stand tall. You deserve it. And so does your son.
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Old 09-19-2014, 08:02 AM
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Are you sure we are not sisters? Our moms sound like the same person.... GRIN.... maybe they have twins.

Keep seeing the light and your good! Keep searching for your worth, as we are all worthy!!!

I think that at times people of this sort of abuse look for the GOOD in everyone. We know it is difficult to feel unwanted and unvalued... so, we indeed look for revealing the worthiness of others. In that, I think we, or I can speak for myself on this accord... we do see all of the finer qualities... and we all have them... yet, their poor behaviors can just get flowing and out of control and we dismiss them, as we want to only point out their positives. We want to ignore their poor behavior as we are so used to someone making us feel we are the issue. We are the problem. It is so hurtful and we have THE HARDEST TIME sticking up for ourselves and our needs, so we excuse their behavior. We have been far worse... right? Look at us now... slowly we have let others poor behaviors eat away at us. We are the first to forgive.... we are the first to apologize and take ownership over situations, as it really is no big deal.... fingers were always pointed at us earlier in life that it was our fault.... etc.. so this is nothing new.

Your post struck home with me. Be so kind to yourself. Your needs, happiness and welfare matter as well....
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Old 09-19-2014, 08:05 AM
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My mom used the same justification- she wanted me to be "realistic." That was her excuse for all the verbal and emotional abuse she heaped on me for years.
In my twenties I realized that she is mentally ill (paranoid schizophrenia). She also suffered horrific physical abuse as a child, so as long as she wasn't hitting us with her fists she thought the verbal lashing out was fine. She used to tell us all the time how lucky we were and what a soft, easy life we had.
My childhood sexual abuse was swept under the rug and she alternates between claiming not to believe that it happened at all and telling me to get over it and stop being a manipulator trying to get others to feel sorry for me.
I am able to have a better relationship with her than I ever have before. I keep it cordial and superficial, never sharing anything deeper than the surface stuff. When she has a psychotic episode and turns nasty I cut off contact for awhile.
It is hard not to take those things personally or to somehow feel like you've done something to deserve it, but your mom's behavior was never your fault. Understanding my childhood trauma has helped me in my own recovery from bad relationship choices as an adult. I picked people who had the same qualities as my parents and inevitably ended up hurt.
Thanks for sharing this. You are not alone.
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