Still trying to cope with her drinking
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Birmingham, UK
Posts: 8
Still trying to cope with her drinking
Hi All,
My first post and straight to the point. My wife is now 54 and has, by all accounts, 'always liked a drink'. She was a barmaid aged 18 and alcohol has been a companion ever since. We met twenty years ago. I knew then she had a problem with drink but, blinded by love I guess, I went along with it.
We now have a thirteen year old daughter who sees her Mom drunk most evenings. I find other things to do while she is drinking and most (not all) of the time manage to cope with it. Years ago I thought 'it' (or should I say she) would change. Maybe realization that drink is part of the problem not the cure...or maybe a health scare would slow her down. Alas, no. Still the same, still intense drunken episodes that punctuate our lives several times every week.
So my questions are: How do I continue to cope with this? How can I minimize the impact on our daughter? How did (do) you guys do it?
Thanks for listening.
My first post and straight to the point. My wife is now 54 and has, by all accounts, 'always liked a drink'. She was a barmaid aged 18 and alcohol has been a companion ever since. We met twenty years ago. I knew then she had a problem with drink but, blinded by love I guess, I went along with it.
We now have a thirteen year old daughter who sees her Mom drunk most evenings. I find other things to do while she is drinking and most (not all) of the time manage to cope with it. Years ago I thought 'it' (or should I say she) would change. Maybe realization that drink is part of the problem not the cure...or maybe a health scare would slow her down. Alas, no. Still the same, still intense drunken episodes that punctuate our lives several times every week.
So my questions are: How do I continue to cope with this? How can I minimize the impact on our daughter? How did (do) you guys do it?
Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi Dennis -- glad you found us. And very sorry you have a reason to.
How do you cope?
I think coming here is a great start. When I finally admitted that my ex was an alcoholic, I had a difficult time with my feelings -- I felt alone and ashamed. Finding other people in the same situation was very helpful. I also started going to Al-Anon -- finding real life help and being able to sit in a room and actually see other people in the same situation was very helpful to me. Seeing that there were blue-collar men, upperclass women, young people and old people, people of every race, gay and straight, dealing with the same pain I was dealing with. Hearing their stories and recognizing my own. All of that was very healing.
It also taught me what I was doing that was unhealthy -- alcoholism is a family disease. I hated hearing that, because I felt like that was blaming me for something my ex chose to do -- drink. But over time, I learned that it just meant that when one person in a family is an alcoholic, it affects everyone. Those of us who aren't drinking tend to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms that can make us as crazy as the drunk! Al-Anon helped me identify those, and work on removing them in myself. That made me stronger and gave me the capacity to think more clearly and be less affected by the alcoholic's drinking.
Learning about alcoholism was also helpful. It gave me some compassion for my ex that I could understand how alcoholism was breaking down his brain and his mental faculties. It didn't mean I felt obligated to stay with him when he deteriorated and his behavior became a danger to me and our kids, but I could understand what was going on, and it helped me not be mean to him.
That's the comparatively easy part.
Protecting your children from the fallout of alcoholism is a whole other beast. I thought I did. I found out after I left my ex that I had failed miserably. My oldest one was about your daughter's age when I started talking to him about alcoholism, about what it did to his father, about the healthiest way to handle it. He's an adult now, and he's still suffering the consequences. As are my younger kids. I hate to sound brutal, but I don't think there is a way to protect your children from the fallout. If there is an Alateen meeting where you live, that may be a way to give your daughter some coping skills -- that was not an option where I lived.
How do you cope?
I think coming here is a great start. When I finally admitted that my ex was an alcoholic, I had a difficult time with my feelings -- I felt alone and ashamed. Finding other people in the same situation was very helpful. I also started going to Al-Anon -- finding real life help and being able to sit in a room and actually see other people in the same situation was very helpful to me. Seeing that there were blue-collar men, upperclass women, young people and old people, people of every race, gay and straight, dealing with the same pain I was dealing with. Hearing their stories and recognizing my own. All of that was very healing.
It also taught me what I was doing that was unhealthy -- alcoholism is a family disease. I hated hearing that, because I felt like that was blaming me for something my ex chose to do -- drink. But over time, I learned that it just meant that when one person in a family is an alcoholic, it affects everyone. Those of us who aren't drinking tend to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms that can make us as crazy as the drunk! Al-Anon helped me identify those, and work on removing them in myself. That made me stronger and gave me the capacity to think more clearly and be less affected by the alcoholic's drinking.
Learning about alcoholism was also helpful. It gave me some compassion for my ex that I could understand how alcoholism was breaking down his brain and his mental faculties. It didn't mean I felt obligated to stay with him when he deteriorated and his behavior became a danger to me and our kids, but I could understand what was going on, and it helped me not be mean to him.
That's the comparatively easy part.
Protecting your children from the fallout of alcoholism is a whole other beast. I thought I did. I found out after I left my ex that I had failed miserably. My oldest one was about your daughter's age when I started talking to him about alcoholism, about what it did to his father, about the healthiest way to handle it. He's an adult now, and he's still suffering the consequences. As are my younger kids. I hate to sound brutal, but I don't think there is a way to protect your children from the fallout. If there is an Alateen meeting where you live, that may be a way to give your daughter some coping skills -- that was not an option where I lived.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Oh dear, I'm sorry you've found yourself here and for these reasons.
I don't have kids, so I am not much help - smarter people than me on that will post soon.
Just know you are not alone, and this is a great place to get pointers on how to take care of yourself and your daughter through this. SO much empathy here to help with this roller coaster ride.
Best to you and your family.
I don't have kids, so I am not much help - smarter people than me on that will post soon.
Just know you are not alone, and this is a great place to get pointers on how to take care of yourself and your daughter through this. SO much empathy here to help with this roller coaster ride.
Best to you and your family.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi Dennis, I'm glad you're here.
Some people who live with active addiction practice "detachment", which is, briefly, the difficult-to-master separation of oneself (emotional, mentally, physically sometimes, financially, whatever) from the behaviors and consequences of the alcoholic's drinking. In my opinion, detachment is a way to get through a day, a week, a couple of months while you sort out the details of really changing your life. It's not a long-term solution.
As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I can't tell you how to protect your daughter from the effects of your wife's drinking. No one ever protected me or my brother and sister from our mother's drinking; quite the opposite. We all learned survival mechanisms to help us manage the chaos in our midst. It has taken me years and years to unlearn behaviors that were essential to surviving my childhood, but which have no relevance to me as an adult.
One thing I can tell you is that no one ever talked to me about my mother's drinking until I was 19. We were all invested in protecting the shameful secret, even to each other. That silence did more damage than seeing my mother drunk ever could have done. With no alternatives, I grew up believing that my mother was miserable because of me, and I obsessed over figuring out what I could do, be or say to make her happy. No one ever told me it was not my fault, that I couldn't Cause, Control, or Cure my mother's alcoholism. If you want to help your daughter right now, education, honesty and openness about the issue would be a great place to start. If I had felt I had one person to talk to about why our home life didn't seem to look like that of my friends, I think it would have made a big difference to me.
Some people who live with active addiction practice "detachment", which is, briefly, the difficult-to-master separation of oneself (emotional, mentally, physically sometimes, financially, whatever) from the behaviors and consequences of the alcoholic's drinking. In my opinion, detachment is a way to get through a day, a week, a couple of months while you sort out the details of really changing your life. It's not a long-term solution.
As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I can't tell you how to protect your daughter from the effects of your wife's drinking. No one ever protected me or my brother and sister from our mother's drinking; quite the opposite. We all learned survival mechanisms to help us manage the chaos in our midst. It has taken me years and years to unlearn behaviors that were essential to surviving my childhood, but which have no relevance to me as an adult.
One thing I can tell you is that no one ever talked to me about my mother's drinking until I was 19. We were all invested in protecting the shameful secret, even to each other. That silence did more damage than seeing my mother drunk ever could have done. With no alternatives, I grew up believing that my mother was miserable because of me, and I obsessed over figuring out what I could do, be or say to make her happy. No one ever told me it was not my fault, that I couldn't Cause, Control, or Cure my mother's alcoholism. If you want to help your daughter right now, education, honesty and openness about the issue would be a great place to start. If I had felt I had one person to talk to about why our home life didn't seem to look like that of my friends, I think it would have made a big difference to me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Birmingham, UK
Posts: 8
Thanks for your reply's. I have found an Al-anon meeting just a few miles away and will attend. Not sure how to approach my daughter about attending Alateen..... or if that is necessary. One step at a time I guess.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Birmingham, UK
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Hi Dennis, I'm glad you're here.
Some people who live with active addiction practice "detachment", which is, briefly, the difficult-to-master separation of oneself (emotional, mentally, physically sometimes, financially, whatever) from the behaviors and consequences of the alcoholic's drinking. In my opinion, detachment is a way to get through a day, a week, a couple of months while you sort out the details of really changing your life. It's not a long-term solution.
As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I can't tell you how to protect your daughter from the effects of your wife's drinking. No one ever protected me or my brother and sister from our mother's drinking; quite the opposite. We all learned survival mechanisms to help us manage the chaos in our midst. It has taken me years and years to unlearn behaviors that were essential to surviving my childhood, but which have no relevance to me as an adult.
One thing I can tell you is that no one ever talked to me about my mother's drinking until I was 19. We were all invested in protecting the shameful secret, even to each other. That silence did more damage than seeing my mother drunk ever could have done. With no alternatives, I grew up believing that my mother was miserable because of me, and I obsessed over figuring out what I could do, be or say to make her happy. No one ever told me it was not my fault, that I couldn't Cause, Control, or Cure my mother's alcoholism. If you want to help your daughter right now, education, honesty and openness about the issue would be a great place to start. If I had felt I had one person to talk to about why our home life didn't seem to look like that of my friends, I think it would have made a big difference to me.
Some people who live with active addiction practice "detachment", which is, briefly, the difficult-to-master separation of oneself (emotional, mentally, physically sometimes, financially, whatever) from the behaviors and consequences of the alcoholic's drinking. In my opinion, detachment is a way to get through a day, a week, a couple of months while you sort out the details of really changing your life. It's not a long-term solution.
As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I can't tell you how to protect your daughter from the effects of your wife's drinking. No one ever protected me or my brother and sister from our mother's drinking; quite the opposite. We all learned survival mechanisms to help us manage the chaos in our midst. It has taken me years and years to unlearn behaviors that were essential to surviving my childhood, but which have no relevance to me as an adult.
One thing I can tell you is that no one ever talked to me about my mother's drinking until I was 19. We were all invested in protecting the shameful secret, even to each other. That silence did more damage than seeing my mother drunk ever could have done. With no alternatives, I grew up believing that my mother was miserable because of me, and I obsessed over figuring out what I could do, be or say to make her happy. No one ever told me it was not my fault, that I couldn't Cause, Control, or Cure my mother's alcoholism. If you want to help your daughter right now, education, honesty and openness about the issue would be a great place to start. If I had felt I had one person to talk to about why our home life didn't seem to look like that of my friends, I think it would have made a big difference to me.
It looks like from your experience I need to talk to my daughter now. I will and thank you for letting me know the outcome if I don't.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Sorry you find yourself here EH, but it's a good place to start getting help.
You've already gotten great advice covering all of the basics of where to start. Have you talked to your daughter about how she is feeling at all? About what she sees in her mom & what she thinks about it?
IMO, the single biggest mistake any of us can make is thinking that the kids DON'T really know much, DON'T need to talk about it etc. When we let them go on with life based on assumptions & the reactionary emotions to growing up with an addict parent, it scrambles their circuits for years to come. The only weapon I have successfully used is Honesty & Truth.... and it's still hard & there is still damage, no doubt. I was a child of an alcoholic father & my DD is age 10 right now but has been aware of her own dad's struggles with alcoholism since she was 5. Our conversations have matured as she has matured, but I've always strived to keep open communication with her because my mother DIDN'T do that with us & I know how it feels to be left in the dark all the time.
ETA: I should have read SparkleKitty's response before posting - she said it much more intelligently than I did, lol!
You've already gotten great advice covering all of the basics of where to start. Have you talked to your daughter about how she is feeling at all? About what she sees in her mom & what she thinks about it?
IMO, the single biggest mistake any of us can make is thinking that the kids DON'T really know much, DON'T need to talk about it etc. When we let them go on with life based on assumptions & the reactionary emotions to growing up with an addict parent, it scrambles their circuits for years to come. The only weapon I have successfully used is Honesty & Truth.... and it's still hard & there is still damage, no doubt. I was a child of an alcoholic father & my DD is age 10 right now but has been aware of her own dad's struggles with alcoholism since she was 5. Our conversations have matured as she has matured, but I've always strived to keep open communication with her because my mother DIDN'T do that with us & I know how it feels to be left in the dark all the time.
ETA: I should have read SparkleKitty's response before posting - she said it much more intelligently than I did, lol!
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