Drinker

I think it all began in about 1980 when I was a 16 year old going into my first pub. It was a dare to try and find a pub that would serve us (which we did after a 3 mile walk) and it was fun and exciting; a bunch of lads on their first ‘proper’ night out. I think that even then there was something about the alcohol itself that gave me a special kick. I’m also pretty sure it was already working on me in a different, more powerful way than it was on my friends.

But no, although the seeds may have been sown, I wasn’t an alcoholic then. I’d go out once or twice a week and drink too much, but it hadn’t got a proper grip yet. That had to wait until about 1992 when – for reasons I can’t fully remember – I bought myself a half bottle of Southern Comfort on the way home from work and drank the lot in the evening. Yeah, it felt like an elephant was doing a tap-dancing, trombone-playing number on my head the next day, but I had kind of enjoyed that feeling the previous night: totally drunk and not a care in the world.

So I did it again. And I did it a few more times and then I thought “hold on, this isn’t right – what am I doing?� So I stopped doing it and told myself to stop being so stupid. Unfortunately I didn’t realise quite how serious the situation was; the seeds I’d sown at 16 were now beginning to sprout.

Over the next 2 or 3 years they were to come into full blossom. Somehow alcohol took over my life, even to the extent that I gave up my job as it was interfering with my drinking – I just couldn’t fit work into my schedule any more. I had switched to vodka under the typical alcoholic’s illusion that people won’t detect the smell of it and I was now putting away a bottle and a half of the stuff every day. This was ‘chronic alcoholic’ territory but I still didn’t see it. How could I possibly have a problem? Alcohol problems happen to other, weaker people than me – I was way too strong for that and I thought I’d prove it by stopping. I did stop and such was my disbelief in the idea of me having a problem that I thought the reason I had my head down the toilet for 5 days was because I had food poisoning. I even went to see the doctor who confirmed my diagnosis, although I had neglected to mention the bottle and a half of vodka I’d been drinking on a daily basis.

I was fairly clean for a while, having a few beers here and there, but no more Mrs Vodka and I rather forgot about alcohol problems for a while.

And then I got diagnosed with MS. So what was my answer to that? Yep, hit the bottle again. If I could physically have drunk more than a bottle and a half of vodka a day I’m sure I would have, but that seemed to be my limit. But I now drank first thing after getting out of bed – no, I tell a lie, I drank before getting out of bed – and then I’d drink last thing at night. The aim of the morning drink was to get me ‘normal’ enough to be able to go up to the little corner shop at 5AM and buy my first bottle of vodka for the day without shaking too much.

But I had begun to realise that something was wrong. Yeah, I know: duh! How many normal people drink a bottle and a half of vodka a day? Well, you know how it is. Everyone else could see I had a serious problem but I was the last to realise it. I’d sometimes not make it back from my little corner shop in the morning, occasionally collapsing in a heap somewhere and I’d either wake up later and wander home or get carried home by a neighbour who took pity.

I can remember once counting all my ‘hidden treasures’ and it came to 10 bottles of vodka stashed in secret places either inside or outside of the house … for emergencies! Yep, this was definitely a problem. So I tried AA and attempted to stop drinking, but I couldn’t; every time I tried to stop the withdrawals were so bad that I just started again. I had to get rehab and was admitted to hospital for 10-day drying out. Even through all the Librium, the Diazepam and the tranquilisers I had dreadful DTs, which is a measure of how bad it had become.

Unfortunately I wasn’t finished with the bottle yet. Something had clicked though and I had no desire to suffer those DTs again so I had a bright idea: I would drink wine instead of vodka. Clever eh? I patted myself on the back for being so smart and started drinking a few bottles of wine a day in the sure knowledge that this can’t be so bad. Of course when I stopped after a few months, I went straight into bad withdrawals again. Okay, they weren’t as bad as before, but they still incapacitated me for close to two weeks.

Wine was no good obviously. So I had another bright idea: beer. Now surely that can’t be as bad, I thought. I swapped my 2 bottles of wine a day for 12 or 15 cans of strong beer instead. And so it went on.

I’m a slow learner.

But learn I began to do. I tried AA time and time again but it simply didn’t click with me, so I went to see a counsellor about alternatives. The first thing he did was get me dry and we did that at home as I simply refused to go into a clinic. Surprisingly, perhaps, it worked – we just reduced my intake gradually over about 10 days and swapped strong beer for weak beer until my drinking kind of fizzled out. We could now get on with some counselling. He helped me see the problem clearly, which I had never done before. People don’t just try to kill themselves with alcohol for no reason – there are easier ways to die; I was dreadfully depressed and needed treatment for that before anything in my life would make sense. The fact that I used alcohol as my crutch was part of my history, but the chances are it would have been something else if it hadn’t been that.

So have I succeeded? Well no, not really. I’ll always be an alcoholic and I still drink, but on the rare occasions I have had a drink in the past 3 years I’ve never been drunk. I recognise I’m on dangerous ground and it’s not an approach I’d recommend, but it has kept me the right side of the line for 3 years now, which is 3 years longer than I’ve ever lasted in the previous 10.

That, my friends, is my story. It’s an unusual one without a totally happy ending (i.e. I still drink) and I’m sure many people here will think I haven’t ‘cracked it’ until I abstain totally and you know what? They’re probably right.

Dan

Welcome Drinker. Your story is not unusual, as you say in closing your eloquent post. In fact, it mirrors my experience with alcohol in a way that chilled me as I read. Aside from the unfortunate event of your MS diagnosis, you and I have walked the same road into chronic alcoholism. From the pub of our teenage years all the way to the out of control vodka consumption. One and the same friend.

I'm told that people can drink in moderation after not being able to do so. I came to the conclusion that it's impossible for me. I tried, time and time again, over a period spanning almost fifteen years, and failed miserably every single time. My drinking simply got worse, as is the case with most alcoholics. You see, alcohol is the favorite poison among all I've tried. I'm an addict. A drug addict. I walked away cold from cocaine and other drugs. But alcohol... It brought me to my knees last year.
So today, I'm a grateful recovering addict.
Slowly reclaiming my life from the pit of addiction.
Welcome to SoberRecovery.

Drinker

Thank you very much for the welcome DangerousDan.

I'm not convinced it's possible for me. I wonder if I'm just too scared to give up totally and maybe I'm conning myself in some way. All I know is that it's working for now and I'm also scared of changing that in any way.

My congratulations go out to you. I truly hope it works out for you as alcoholism is a misery I wouldn't wish on anyone (even my worst enemy).

Anyway, I'm here to learn and hopefully, in some small way, give something back too.

Thank you again.

Dan

Indeed. You're very honest in describing the fear you have. That's hugely positive. The wall of denial and deceipt had to come down for me before I could even start entertaining the hope of recovery. As I'm sure you know, from first hand lived experience, alcoholism is progressive. I may have put the beast to sleep, but I'll never kill it. I've had to examine my beliefs, choices and behaviors, in order to understand how I can achieve and maintain sobriety. You see, I got to a point where I was drinking simply to numb the painful symptoms brought about by the previous day's consumption. The classic vicious circle.
So call me Dan. The Dangerous is just a reminder for myself

Stanger

Hey Drinker! Great post. I wonder if you may consider AA again? It has the highest success rate. It's very important to have a sponsor and start right away on those 12 steps. I've finally admitted my problem a few months ago and I'll be going to a meeting in a few minutes. Good luck to you!

Drinker

Hi, thanks for replying.

I really didn't get on with AA as I was never much of a 'higher power' sort of person. Additionally, I always felt there was an underlying depression in the AA meetings I attended which made me really fancy a drink.

Having said that, religion played it's part in getting me to the (slightly better) situation I'm in today. I took the example from my father who came back from WWII a Buddhist. I've never known a gentler man than my father; one who was totally at peace with himself. So I have been much more involved in that over the last 3 years and it has played a big part - along with treatment for depression - in at least getting me onto the first rung of recovery.

But there are many things I still need to get clear in my head before I start climbing more rungs on the ladder to recovery. Things that are generally understood to be absolute truths about alcoholism that I can't (or won't) see clearly.