Overwhelmed. Relapse on my mind.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 809
Overwhelmed. Relapse on my mind.
Well this is the first and by far most negative post I’ve had in the last 24 days that I’ve been sober.
WARNING – this is total trivial B.S. and I am aware of that. I just need to vent and talk about what’s on my mind. If you’re going to read it and tell me I’m an idiot for having these thoughts or how trivial it is, don’t bother to even read this post, you’re wasting your time.
Long story short, I’m fighting with my spouse. We’ve been together for 2.5 years and we are engaged. He is a “normie” in that he is definitely not an alcoholic or addict. He can take it or leave it. He wants me to be sober, as I’m quite sure everybody does.
Lately he has been going out of town on hunting trips, for days/nights on end. He has been out of the house more and more. He tells me where he is going and what he is doing, he never runs it by me as a joint decision. I am just expected to take care of the household and our responsibilities (puppy dog is the biggest one) with no consideration whatsoever.
I feel completely disconnected from him, completely disconnected from our relationship, and I have no support around the house and no support to deal with our obligations. I’m left to work 10 hours a day and race home to take care of our highly energetic puppy (which he SWORE up and down he would take care of when I refused to take on this new responsibility, which he has never once helped me with. Never once let the poor dog out to go to the bathroom, never once taken him on a walk around the block, absolutely nothing.) Oh and then I’m supposed to try and hit a meeting every single day while neglecting the puppy in the evening, after he’s been locked in our 900 square foot condo all day by himself.
Anyways. I’m extremely frustrated and I’m at a loss. Most of the time, I honestly feel like I want out of this relationship. It does nothing for me anymore. I probably got into it in the first place because I was in the depth of my addictions and wanted somebody to take care of me, financially, physically, etc. and he was a major caretaker. But again, breaking up is going to be a HUGE life change. Can I even cope with that right now, sober?
I’m overwhelmed by all of this B.S. and my emotions right now and my AV is telling me that a drink will fix these emotions TEMPORARILY. I know I’m an alcoholic and I know there are consequences, but if I lock myself in my bedroom with a bottle of wine and drink until I pass out, I can start fresh tomorrow. This is what the AV is saying.
I already told my hubby that I’m getting wine tonight. We’re already fighting about that. I feel like my brain has already relapsed even though my body hasn’t. I really don’t know what to do to cope with all of this right now.
Thanks for giving me a place to vent about my problems, no matter how trivial and ridiculous they may be.
WARNING – this is total trivial B.S. and I am aware of that. I just need to vent and talk about what’s on my mind. If you’re going to read it and tell me I’m an idiot for having these thoughts or how trivial it is, don’t bother to even read this post, you’re wasting your time.
Long story short, I’m fighting with my spouse. We’ve been together for 2.5 years and we are engaged. He is a “normie” in that he is definitely not an alcoholic or addict. He can take it or leave it. He wants me to be sober, as I’m quite sure everybody does.
Lately he has been going out of town on hunting trips, for days/nights on end. He has been out of the house more and more. He tells me where he is going and what he is doing, he never runs it by me as a joint decision. I am just expected to take care of the household and our responsibilities (puppy dog is the biggest one) with no consideration whatsoever.
I feel completely disconnected from him, completely disconnected from our relationship, and I have no support around the house and no support to deal with our obligations. I’m left to work 10 hours a day and race home to take care of our highly energetic puppy (which he SWORE up and down he would take care of when I refused to take on this new responsibility, which he has never once helped me with. Never once let the poor dog out to go to the bathroom, never once taken him on a walk around the block, absolutely nothing.) Oh and then I’m supposed to try and hit a meeting every single day while neglecting the puppy in the evening, after he’s been locked in our 900 square foot condo all day by himself.
Anyways. I’m extremely frustrated and I’m at a loss. Most of the time, I honestly feel like I want out of this relationship. It does nothing for me anymore. I probably got into it in the first place because I was in the depth of my addictions and wanted somebody to take care of me, financially, physically, etc. and he was a major caretaker. But again, breaking up is going to be a HUGE life change. Can I even cope with that right now, sober?
I’m overwhelmed by all of this B.S. and my emotions right now and my AV is telling me that a drink will fix these emotions TEMPORARILY. I know I’m an alcoholic and I know there are consequences, but if I lock myself in my bedroom with a bottle of wine and drink until I pass out, I can start fresh tomorrow. This is what the AV is saying.
I already told my hubby that I’m getting wine tonight. We’re already fighting about that. I feel like my brain has already relapsed even though my body hasn’t. I really don’t know what to do to cope with all of this right now.
Thanks for giving me a place to vent about my problems, no matter how trivial and ridiculous they may be.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
none of this is trivial.....
our relationships are among the most important and profound experiences in our lives and when they are creating grief and conflict and frustration and anger they are anything but trivial.
These are also the sorts of things that give us who struggle with addiction fabulous excuses to say "screw it".
So first off - don't get the wine.
What, you're going to drink at him? Oh... yeah... that'll show him won't it?
No. It won't. It'll make you feel worse about yourself in every way. It'll add fuel to whatever fire is burning inside of him. It'll make the entire situation crappier than it already is.
Early recovery is a turbulent time emotionally. The things you're sharing with us are things you'll need to share with him, at some point. These are not trivial matters and communication is essential in relationships. We often avoid it because we're avoiding conflict, we're afraid of the ramifications, we don't want to rock the boat, we're trying to harmonize, whatever.... but in so doing we harm ourselves and our partners and we just stuff it all inside until eventually it blows in one way or another.
First things first.... don't drink. Maybe you'll have to give yourself some space from this relationship to honor your own wellness. Maybe you can get him to go to counseling with you - someone who understands both marital and addiction issues.
No doubt, he is quietly fuming about some things too... and, in the classic deteriorating marriage, you're both furious and hurt and feeling used and unappreciated and nobody's able to share with the other in a productive way and it just winds up a hurting match.
So, one thing at a time. Stay sober, care for yourself, make time and space to do that. Let him go his way and do his thing for now... and begin productively working on how to understand and articulate your feelings to him. Maybe get to a counselor on your own to help you sort that all out first.
I feel for you... this is a tough situation... but you can make it through and keep your sobriety intact. You may even find that this period of challenge winds up bringing really amazing goodness to your relationship. But it's going to take work, just like your sobriety.
hang in there.
Don't buy the wine.
our relationships are among the most important and profound experiences in our lives and when they are creating grief and conflict and frustration and anger they are anything but trivial.
These are also the sorts of things that give us who struggle with addiction fabulous excuses to say "screw it".
So first off - don't get the wine.
What, you're going to drink at him? Oh... yeah... that'll show him won't it?
No. It won't. It'll make you feel worse about yourself in every way. It'll add fuel to whatever fire is burning inside of him. It'll make the entire situation crappier than it already is.
Early recovery is a turbulent time emotionally. The things you're sharing with us are things you'll need to share with him, at some point. These are not trivial matters and communication is essential in relationships. We often avoid it because we're avoiding conflict, we're afraid of the ramifications, we don't want to rock the boat, we're trying to harmonize, whatever.... but in so doing we harm ourselves and our partners and we just stuff it all inside until eventually it blows in one way or another.
First things first.... don't drink. Maybe you'll have to give yourself some space from this relationship to honor your own wellness. Maybe you can get him to go to counseling with you - someone who understands both marital and addiction issues.
No doubt, he is quietly fuming about some things too... and, in the classic deteriorating marriage, you're both furious and hurt and feeling used and unappreciated and nobody's able to share with the other in a productive way and it just winds up a hurting match.
So, one thing at a time. Stay sober, care for yourself, make time and space to do that. Let him go his way and do his thing for now... and begin productively working on how to understand and articulate your feelings to him. Maybe get to a counselor on your own to help you sort that all out first.
I feel for you... this is a tough situation... but you can make it through and keep your sobriety intact. You may even find that this period of challenge winds up bringing really amazing goodness to your relationship. But it's going to take work, just like your sobriety.
hang in there.
Don't buy the wine.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
I'm glad you came here to vent and hope
you haven't bought that bottle of poison.
There isn't a thing alcohol will do to make
this situation get better or go away.
With a clear mind and a recovery support,
here in SR for now until you are able to get
to your own meeting is a better, healthier
decision to make on your part and you are
not alone. Which is definitely comforting.
Others im sure will be along shortly to give
you some suggestions to help you and guide
you into making a good choice other than
drinking.
Stay strong and stay close here with ur
recovery support to keep you calm and
clear headed.
you haven't bought that bottle of poison.
There isn't a thing alcohol will do to make
this situation get better or go away.
With a clear mind and a recovery support,
here in SR for now until you are able to get
to your own meeting is a better, healthier
decision to make on your part and you are
not alone. Which is definitely comforting.
Others im sure will be along shortly to give
you some suggestions to help you and guide
you into making a good choice other than
drinking.
Stay strong and stay close here with ur
recovery support to keep you calm and
clear headed.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi. I was and at times still act undisciplined as if it works to not accept the things I cannot change.
If situations are beyond my control I need to do something about it and not be a rug.
Getting sober is far more than not drinking. It involves acting in a healthy emotional way and living without our old crutch alcohol.
BE WELL
If situations are beyond my control I need to do something about it and not be a rug.
Getting sober is far more than not drinking. It involves acting in a healthy emotional way and living without our old crutch alcohol.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
I'm glad you came and posted and vented this as well M.
FreeOwl basically took the words outta my mouth. Don't buy the wine. Nothing good will come out of it (you know that though eh?)
keep venting on here!!!!
FreeOwl basically took the words outta my mouth. Don't buy the wine. Nothing good will come out of it (you know that though eh?)
keep venting on here!!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Well, you are not an idiot and these are not trivial things to deal with. I deal with the same thing with my husband. Makes plans and doesn't bother telling me about them. Does some stuff around the house but not the day to day junk like washing dishes, sweeping, etc. Doesn't make dinner for the kids even when he is home during the day so when I walk in the door I not only am not "off" work, I keep going until around 10. Does it make me angry? Yes. Do I drink over it? Not anymore because that just made it worse because on top of the anger I felt physically awful and mentally depressed.
What helps? Talking about it to find out what is going on with him. Telling him how it makes me feel. Ignoring it. A combination of the above. However, talking about the issues after or while I was drinking didn't resolve them. When I tried doing that, fights only escalated.
If the hunting trips are a new thing, and his going away is increasing in frequency, ask him what is going on. Sounds like he could be running away from something himself.
Hang in there.
What helps? Talking about it to find out what is going on with him. Telling him how it makes me feel. Ignoring it. A combination of the above. However, talking about the issues after or while I was drinking didn't resolve them. When I tried doing that, fights only escalated.
If the hunting trips are a new thing, and his going away is increasing in frequency, ask him what is going on. Sounds like he could be running away from something himself.
Hang in there.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
I'm not one for giving life advice, drinking sure I will share my views. I can make observations and one of the first that comes to mind is,that what you post about above is in no way trivial, these seem to be very important life changing subjects. Ending a relationship like that is anything but trivial, do you honestly mean you are contemplating this or is the drama of proposing this enough to drink on? The only part I feel commenting on is the idea that your AV is using the gravity of the situation to rationalize getting drunk, mine used to do that all the time. My advice is to not drink, don't give in.
As far as live advice , perhaps finding a god home for the puppy would be a good idea, takes some stress from you, let's,your partner realize he can't just dump things on you to deal with, and the puppy might be better off , they need attention for a large part of the day.
Wish you well and tell the AV to take flying leap
As far as live advice , perhaps finding a god home for the puppy would be a good idea, takes some stress from you, let's,your partner realize he can't just dump things on you to deal with, and the puppy might be better off , they need attention for a large part of the day.
Wish you well and tell the AV to take flying leap
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 167
Take a deep breath and let things calm down. No one is listening when you two arguing so nothing will get accomplished. Whatever you do don't buy the wine. Try and remember what brought to the point where you had to stop drinking. Your AV might be screaming right now but it will fade. You know drinking is only going to throw fuel on the fire.
.
.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 809
Thanks guys, for listening and giving me feedback.
I'm starting to calm down.
I stopped saying I was going to get wine tonight. I keep telling myself that I only have to make it through today and that tomorrow is a new day.
This stuff is hard sometimes
sometimes I worry that I've rewired my brain in such a way that I'm no longer strong enough to resist the urge during tough experiences. I know it takes time to rewire our brains to turn to healthy alternatives. What if I can't ever make it long enough for that change to happen? What if I'm irrevocably broken?
These are my fears.
I am going to try to not drink tonight and hold on to this sobriety.
Thanks for being here.
I'm starting to calm down.
I stopped saying I was going to get wine tonight. I keep telling myself that I only have to make it through today and that tomorrow is a new day.
This stuff is hard sometimes
sometimes I worry that I've rewired my brain in such a way that I'm no longer strong enough to resist the urge during tough experiences. I know it takes time to rewire our brains to turn to healthy alternatives. What if I can't ever make it long enough for that change to happen? What if I'm irrevocably broken?These are my fears.
I am going to try to not drink tonight and hold on to this sobriety.
Thanks for being here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: London
Posts: 204
Vent here rather than buy the wine.
Take the puppy out for a walk & get some air.
sounds like your relationship is not going in the right direction & it seems like you are both aware of that.
do you love him? do you want to save the relationship?
don't drink & speak to him when he gets back.
Take the puppy out for a walk & get some air.
sounds like your relationship is not going in the right direction & it seems like you are both aware of that.
do you love him? do you want to save the relationship?
don't drink & speak to him when he gets back.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Sweetie..sweetie..sweetie..soooooo glad you posted. Look at what you are facing? You got a big ole question in your head: do I want this relationship? That's a freaking valid question worthy of consideration.
Don't you see what the booze pull truly is? You want to take that question off the table. Uh uh..no way sister. Don't you dare do that to yourself. Dude is not keeping up his share of the responsibility (e.g. puppy) after saying he would and don't you dare ..go and drink and let him not FACE that stuff. You are of sound mind right now and you are SEEING stuff that needs to be addressed..
Don't you dare "opt out"..don't you dare "check out". Don't you dare runaway. Know what I mean? You have right to P.O'ed!! You have a right to feel what you are feeling! Dude said he was getting a damn puppy..then he buggers off. That's not right.
Don't be let HIM off the HOOK..by YOU drinking? See what you're doing. If you drink, then the puppy problem is off the table and he's off scot free. Then you're drinking becomes the issue.
No. Don't!
Don't you see what the booze pull truly is? You want to take that question off the table. Uh uh..no way sister. Don't you dare do that to yourself. Dude is not keeping up his share of the responsibility (e.g. puppy) after saying he would and don't you dare ..go and drink and let him not FACE that stuff. You are of sound mind right now and you are SEEING stuff that needs to be addressed..
Don't you dare "opt out"..don't you dare "check out". Don't you dare runaway. Know what I mean? You have right to P.O'ed!! You have a right to feel what you are feeling! Dude said he was getting a damn puppy..then he buggers off. That's not right.
Don't be let HIM off the HOOK..by YOU drinking? See what you're doing. If you drink, then the puppy problem is off the table and he's off scot free. Then you're drinking becomes the issue.
No. Don't!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
Originally Posted by Mrrryah1 
Thanks guys, for listening and giving me feedback.
I'm starting to calm down.
I stopped saying I was going to get wine tonight. I keep telling myself that I only have to make it through today and that tomorrow is a new day.
This stuff is hard sometimes sometimes I worry that I've rewired my brain in such a way that I'm no longer strong enough to resist the urge during tough experiences. I know it takes time to rewire our brains to turn to healthy alternatives. What if I can't ever make it long enough for that change to happen? What if I'm irrevocably broken?
These are my fears.
I am going to try to not drink tonight and hold on to this sobriety.
Thanks for being here.
I'm starting to calm down.
I stopped saying I was going to get wine tonight. I keep telling myself that I only have to make it through today and that tomorrow is a new day.
This stuff is hard sometimes
sometimes I worry that I've rewired my brain in such a way that I'm no longer strong enough to resist the urge during tough experiences. I know it takes time to rewire our brains to turn to healthy alternatives. What if I can't ever make it long enough for that change to happen? What if I'm irrevocably broken?These are my fears.
I am going to try to not drink tonight and hold on to this sobriety.
Thanks for being here.
Just focus on today. Right now.
And don't drink.
You know "this too shall pass"
(when you calm down though, I do think you and the fiancée need to have a good heart to heart)
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,305
I don't have advice, but I can definitely relate. When I met my now-husband, I was also looking for someone who was a stable provider, and any feelings I had about not wanting to stay...I simply drank away. Fast forward 12 years of marriage, and I continue that pattern although I have since progressed professionally myself and I am stuck with the feelings of resentment but no leg to stand on (I am the drunk, not him, and what's worse than a drunk?) Of course, that's not true, but my point is...drinking has always negated my ability to effectively communicate, and the guilt over my drinking has eroded my self-confidence too. This is not trivial at all. I really hope the best for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
Sweetie..sweetie..sweetie..soooooo glad you posted. Look at what you are facing? You got a big ole question in your head: do I want this relationship? That's a freaking valid question worthy of consideration.
Don't you see what the booze pull truly is? You want to take that question off the table. Uh uh..no way sister. Don't you dare do that to yourself. Dude is not keeping up his share of the responsibility (e.g. puppy) after saying he would and don't you dare ..go and drink and let him not FACE that stuff. You are of sound mind right now and you are SEEING stuff that needs to be addressed..
Don't you dare "opt out"..don't you dare "check out". Don't you dare runaway. Know what I mean? You have right to P.O'ed!! You have a right to feel what you are feeling! Dude said he was getting a damn puppy..then he buggers off. That's not right.
Don't be let HIM off the HOOK..by YOU drinking? See what you're doing. If you drink, then the puppy problem is off the table and he's off scot free. Then you're drinking becomes the issue.
No. Don't!
Don't you see what the booze pull truly is? You want to take that question off the table. Uh uh..no way sister. Don't you dare do that to yourself. Dude is not keeping up his share of the responsibility (e.g. puppy) after saying he would and don't you dare ..go and drink and let him not FACE that stuff. You are of sound mind right now and you are SEEING stuff that needs to be addressed..
Don't you dare "opt out"..don't you dare "check out". Don't you dare runaway. Know what I mean? You have right to P.O'ed!! You have a right to feel what you are feeling! Dude said he was getting a damn puppy..then he buggers off. That's not right.
Don't be let HIM off the HOOK..by YOU drinking? See what you're doing. If you drink, then the puppy problem is off the table and he's off scot free. Then you're drinking becomes the issue.
No. Don't!
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Relationships can be awful at times. I'm sure my adult child's ghastly behaviour contributed to a recent illness brought on by stress. But these things pass. Wine will make you feel horrible tomorrow. xxxxx
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 809
Thanks guys. I made plans to go to my sponsors house in an hour. Gonna do some big book reading. Im not happy about it AT ALL and I still want to drink so badly, but I'm sure I'll be safe. I'm scared though. This is gonna happen again and I'm scared I won't have the strength to get through it. I honestly almost caved today. (So my brain says, well if I'm gonna relapse anyways I might as well do it now. Ugh.)
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
