Yogagurl

I'm having a hard time thinking about explaining why my marriage didn't work out. I'm thinking about what it's going to sound like coming off my lips to the next guy I meet (which is a LONG ways out) saying, "My ex-husband was emotionally abusive and he was a long time crack addict." There, I feel, is going to be judgement and stereotyping that goes along with this statement. No, I don't care what other people think, but I don't necessarily want to air my dirty laundry and I don't necessarily want to be dishonest either.

Does anyone have any experiences they want to share about moving forward with relationships and friendships? How did you cope with the reality of what had happened in your relationship to your addict? How did you gracefully move past situations you really may not have wanted to own up to while still being honest about it?

kej248

I have been wondering the same thing. I went on a date recently and we both talked about our exs and past relationships. I felt very judged and he said he wasn't going to deal with someone else's crazy ex (meaning my exabf) and I haven't heard from him. Sigh, Not that I wanted to talk about it, but I didn't want to lie either. I sugar coated it as much as I could too lol

Sungrl

Hmmm, I guess I don't talk about ex's. I mean what is there to say. Everyone has one, some several. I have never questioned a date or even a serious boyfriend about theirs. if they wanted to tell me something they thought I should know about that was fine. I listened and if I felt it warranted me revealing something then so be it. I mean I'm not all cloak and dagger but to me the past is the past. If a guy I was really into asked about my ex husband (father of my son) my 2 daughters father, or my most recent ex, It would go like this....

my marriage didn't work out because T and I got married way to young but we share J and continue to be friends.

In regards to my girls dad ( we never married) It would be.... K decide he was unhappy and moved on with someone else, he has no contact with J, A ,or myself. We haven't spoken in years.

And the addict....... My last relationship was 3.5 years long and M turned out to be an addict of major proportions. I didn't want that in my life, but I'm stronger because of it and I will always wish him well.

Anything else is nobody else's business unless you want to make it so.

Hope that helps

Ann

Until you get into a serious and long term relationship, I don't think it's necessary to air your past issues. Or maybe do it in a way that sets your boundaries, like "drugs got in the way, I'll never tolerate drug use again." It makes it clear that you are not about to do another round of this.

Keep it brief no matter how much you'd like a shoulder to lean on.

Good luck, any fellow worth keeping will stick around long enough to know "you" before he needs any information about your past.

Hugs

legna

Hi Ann! This line kind of stopped me in my tracks. I get it, I really do. It's not how I do it but I can see why it is a healthy choice for some or even most people. But what has me pausing is that I am quite certain (its been some time since I've been here and I'm sure it would take me all day to find one) that I've read a number of posts in which the guy our SR friend has met was an addict/alcoholic and didn't disclose that on the first date...which of course meant that they were trying to hide something.

Okay, first date might be strong. But there seems to be a tendency for people like us to be attracted to an addict/alcoholic in the first place. Sometimes we get a wet one - sometimes we get a dry one. But when they relapse three months into the relationship and suddenly it comes out that they were in treatment before and are an addict...we tend to talk about how manipulative, sneaky, etc. etc. they were for never telling us. You know?

I don't want to hijack the thread but I'd be interested in yours (or anyones) thoughts on this.

kej248

Yes, I see that now, There really isn't anything to talk about past relationships, they didn't work out, no matter the reasoning. Didn't mean to hijack your post :-)(looks like legna had the same thought on that as me about hijacking the board lol ) I'm having a hard time moving past all this and I probably was just looking for a way to talk about it as much as he wanted to talk about his ex. Moving forward and dating again is scary and probably way too soon at this point for me as well.

Ann

Kej, what you and Legna say are important. While you don't need to divulge our entire life the first date...and neither do they...it's a good time to establish some boundaries and make it clear where youy stand with drinking/using crimina records and anything that my affect our relationship - should one develop.

This is why it is good to go slow...very slow..when heading into any new relationship. Take time to KNOW the person and remember that healthy attracts healthy and sick attracts sick, so keeping yourself healthy and balanced as you go will help you see clearly along the way.

Hugs

Fandy

didn't you just move out of the apartment/house shared with your husband very recently...like this week? You have filed for divorce? or are you still living with him? I can't follow the many threads you've started, the last one was you were going to tell him you were leaving so he could find a new apartment, but he took off with all the rent $$?

I wouldn't worry about new relationships yet, you still have to end your marriage and get some time and distance away from the long run of insanity he heaped on you.

LoveMeNow

Although I have no intentions of dating anytime soon, I have and will
always tell the truth. I have become very selective about my friends, my inner circle, and weeded out many - mostly users, hypocrites or frauds. If someone in my future can not understand or empathize with my journey/past, I have no use for them either.

BlueChair

My husband and I are still together, but I have had to face questions about what happened last year. Where was he for three months, why do we go to counseling. There is always the curious part of people wanting juicy details. I think with new people you meet as in acquaintances and friends you dont need to explain in detail unless the friendship grows and you feel comfortable sharing your experience and how its impacted you. If your dating I dont think you need to disclose these things on the first few dates. My husband didnt tell me of his past drug experiences until we started to get closer and he felt it we might be headed somewhere. But he did it before anything physical happened between us and I respected him for this.

I have to agree with Legna Ive heard a little bit of dissing going on when someone in recovery, or actively using doesnt fess up immediately and own their addiction, lay it all out there. Its not a two way street. If you feel like you would want someone to tell you immediately of all their past, possible troubles with an ex, or the emotional damage they suffered and still deal with, then its only fair your up front and share with the same level of honesty.

LoveMeNow

IMO, It's no ones business why my marriage did not work out. Disclosing personal information about his problems are quit different then disclosing information about myself.

That said, I am who I am because of all my life experiences. If someone can not appreciate that then I am not interested in having them in my life.

Vale

What is it about people that need to pour out their life story in the first 15 minutes?
One lesson I have thoroughly learned is the speed of delivery is inversely proportional
to the quality of the product. Character takes time. If they are not interested in finding
the time...they just did you a favor by self eliminating.
A better approach I've found is.....I'm not going to be interrogated, as if I am on a
job interview.......rather....tell me WHY I should be interested in investing more time in
getting to know YOU?

Yogagurl

Thanks for the responses - I guess I'm just like, "OK, now what?" I'm still coming to the realization I have been in such an unhealthy relationship for so long. @Fancy - you do well keeping up with my threads! Thanks for paying attention! To answer your question, I am scheduled to move out of the home that my husband and I are living in on Saturday. In the state I live in, I am not eligible to file for a divorce for a year. I think that the question stems from shock and not from the want to jump in the saddle again, so to speak. There's no reconciling. I'm just wondering how people deal with this chapter in their lives once the pages have turned.

I like what Vale said - --> this is great. This is just what I needed to take away from the question. It's still about finding my own self worth and working through my own doubts.

LMN made a really good point as well. Really, it just further illustrates the fact I have a lot of work to do on myself.

Thanks bunches!

zoso77

With my friends, moving forward was initially a bit uncomfortable. My best friend frankly wanted to kill me in the wake of my AXGF and I breaking up. But I just simply let him be angry at me. He knew how things were going to go down, and while I knew that too, I was also in denial about it. I gave my AXGF one last shot too many, and that last shot caused me a lot of pain.

We're now cool about everything that went down and can laugh about it.

With relationships (by which I assume you mean romantic?), I'm staying away from those for the foreseeable future. That's partly a function of I have nothing to give. But it's also largely a function of I simply don't trust the opposite sex in the context of a romantic relationship. I especially don't expect them to be understanding of what I went through and the price I paid in doing so (which was huge and I can't really discuss). Maybe that will change one day. But for now, the lights are off, the doors are locked, and if you ring my doorbell, I ain't comin' to the door...

LobstahKiller

My old therapist taught me to say something like "I was in a realtionship with someone, and he was on the decline."

I think that's all you need to say. Crack (like heroin for me) does not need to come up on a first date.

And that first date is a long way away.

Just concentrate on getting out of there and taking care of yourself.

xoxo

heartcore

Yogagurl - I'm in early recovery, and have ended two relationships within these last two years (both inside & outside of my recovery) as a result of discovering their level of alcoholism/addiction issues & knowing that I could not work on my stuff with their stuff impacting me. Suffice to say, were I to discuss this with a dating prospect in any depth, I look "run-for-the-hills crazy!" - as I basically chose the same situation twice in a row!

Thankfully, I have a reprieve! With both the advice of my beloved sponsor, some good friends in the program, & my wise inner voice (often a whisper), I made a commitment to myself not to date for a year.

Yes, that's always been a program suggestion, but I'm not the kind of woman who takes "suggestions" very seriously. A commitment, on the other hand...

I've even announced it at a meeting or two.

What I wasn't expecting was the profound sense of relief I had upon realizing that this was my new truth. I am free - of looking out the corner of my eye, the incessant subtle search for the one who will understand me & love me. Inside this new freedom, I find myself opening up to the men in my life, who are no longer "possibilities," but are just friends. By the time the year is up, if anyone In my life is interested in dating me, they'll already know my history of alcoholic loves, my strengths, my goofiness, & my boundaries.

A new approach for me. If I do end up dating someone that I don't know after the year is up, I'll both be a new & different person, & can talk about why I just took a year without dating (which changes the angle on the boundary conversation & makes it positive & powerful).

Sometimes I feel silly posting things on SR that feel like stunning revelations to me (like most people have probably known them forever), but things like this are truly revelatory and exciting for me! That you don't have to be constantly dating or in a relationship or even thinking about it...relationship-sober...who knew?

qwer1234

Yogagirl,

There is no need to give too much info in the first few dates. Sometimes we want so much to connect with someone that we share very personal information, believing that we are making a connection....often that is not the case.

Take is slow and reveal information over time with someone who earns your trust.....women with high levels of empathy tend to trust first....I finally learned that strangers need to earn trust over time.

qwer