SadieJack

I am only on day 2 and so far so good. Did have a restless night last night... I would wake up and memories from the past would float in. One thing I remembered was something my mom said years ago. I was super careful about drinking when I was in my early youth because I was afraid of becoming an alcoholic...(which I did later on anyway)... but...So when I would visit my mom she would plop a bottle of wine in front of me and say "have a drink and settle down". So I either refused totally or I would have one glass. Then came the looks of disapproval and statements like, "what are you a teetotaler or something?" or "what a goody-two shoes" etc.

I moved to Texas at age 24 to get away from my family in Michigan. But those "tapes" came with me. I haven't consciously thought about them in many years (my mom is dead now) but evidently they are in my brain, digging around and trying to come out.

Anyone else have negative tapes surfacing?

Cecilia44

Not so much lately, but I have been having thoughts about this site and my posts, maybe just remembering drinking in general. The stupid things I have done when drunk, but not so much things from a long time ago.

Perhaps the fact that you are not drinking now is bringing them to the surface. I don't know.

Anna

Oh, I definitely had negative memories flooding into my mind in early recovery. My thoughts seemed to circle again and again. You said you haven't thought of those things for a long time, but it could be that part of your recovery could involve dealing with those issues.

Beyond that, you can make a choice when those thoughts begin to enter your mind and say to yourself 'stop' and then switch to thinking of something different.

SadieJack

Thanks Anna... yes I agree that the things surfacing now are probably issues that I need to deal with. It is ironic that my mom WANTED me to drink and the more the better. WTF? Most parents are the opposite. I suspect she felt guilty about her own drinking and by having me drink with her allayed the guilt a bit.

biminiblue

Yes, there are going to be lots of thoughts for you to deal with now that you are not shutting down your thoughts with alcohol. Get ready for the deluge

The best part of my recovery has been to deal with these things.

I would be careful with trying to get into your mom's head, though. Some things are better left undone. Work on why you used, not why or how anyone else was encouraging of your drinking. Drinking and recovery are an inside job.

Your hand, your mouth. Your reactions.

SadieJack

Thanks biminiblue... good points. I just brought up my mom as she was part of my memories last night. BTW, I don't want to paint my mom as an evil b* ... she had her own problems and she spent many many years atoning for some of the things we kids went through. In the end she was a very wonderful caring mom!

Dee74

I think most of us had to deal with our pasts and a lot of negative input 'baggage' once we got sober...a good deal of my drinking was about running away from all that.

In the end I had nowhere left to run.

I decided I could let my past, and all those negative things define me...or I could embrace the adult I was and redefine myself.

I'm really glad I took the second option

D

Soberpotamus

Oh, yes! I have negative "tapes" playing in my head. But the wonderful thing about sobriety is now we get to examine what's playing, sift through all that muck, and then come up with a much better, positive message to play.

luvmygirls

My mom is a good person too, and an alcoholic. She is happiest when everyone is drinking, including me. I'm sorry you lost yours, but at least you had some resolution before she passed.