lonelynn

My husband got out of rehab a week ago tomorrow, and has been having casual text convos with a couple of guys who use. Neither were dealers to him, but one uses his DOC (oxy) and the other uses coke. AH says that it's okay to talk to them because he isn't going to use again and, the fact that one of them doesn't use his DOC, means he is not a problem to talk to. Am I the only person who thinks this is manipulative and that he is just trying to rationalize his way into maintaining some connections? Any thoughts?

hopeful4

My thought is that when you are in recovery it is not healthy to maintain a relationship with anyone who uses. It's too easy to fall into temptation.

Just my .02

GardenMama

From what I have learned, a person in active recovery really needs to cut off ties with the people, places and things related to their use. My daughter's RABF said recently that he doesn't even like going to NA meetings in neighborhoods where they know people from their using days (recent and past). My RAD is going to AA meetings in small settings and in neighborhoods she's not familiar with. She asked for a new phone number when in treatment and I have her old phone, too. Drug dealers were blowing it up every day when I had in plugged in. When I saw an offer for "Chinese Take Out," I unplugged it, turned it off, and threw it in a drawer. That was even a trigger for me--I wanted to text back and scare him somehow (I'm sure he'd be terrified of GardenMama!)--but I didn't. I just realized at that moment if my trigger-point was that active, my daughter must be in an hourly, daily struggle to keep on a clean path.

I can't imagine how texting with using friends is a good thing for him. I would feel the same way if I were you---very suspicious and uncomfortable. He's in such early recovery...

I hope you are still taking care of your recovery, going to meetings, etc.

lonelynn

No, I'm not. I haven't been to a meeting since he came home. We both work and have 4 kids, two of them still in diapers, so I haven't had any time. I need to go though...I have been battling a bit of "stressed induced anorexia" (as my friend calls it) since this all happened and it is starting to wear me down. I need to focus on me more, but it's hard when everyone depends on me for everything.

GardenMama

You are dealing with a lot, Lynn! I know it is hard sometimes to reach out to others, but this would be the time to do just that. I have been really touched by the gestures and acts of support I have seen from one NarAnon member to another in our group. Actively cultivate a support network for yourself, because regardless of what your husband does, you are going to need it--you are the sun around which your children orbit. Take good care of yourself--and EAT! I know about that not eating...it can be a battle on its own when I am stressed to the max. Smoothies, vitamins, protein bars--whatever it takes! Okay, done lecturing. I hope you have a good day.

lonelynn

Thanks GardenMama! The support and kind words mean so much more than I can ever express.

hopeful4

Hi Lynn,

I just want to mention that if you go to Celebrate Recovery many of them have free childcare and age appropriate classes for the older ones. Might be worth checking out for you. Our CR does great things for the kids, they love it!

lonelynn

Is that an organization? I haven't heard of it before...am going to Google it now. Thanks Hope!

hopeful4

Sure. It is for anyone with a hurt, habit, or hangup. I have been going for years, it has helped me immensely. If you google it you can see if there are any in your area. It's set up a lot like Alanon with scripture backing it up. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

lonelynn

Yay! I found one in our area...thank you again

legna

For those who don't know me yet, I am an alphabeteer: AA, NA, ACoA, Nar-Anon, etc.

When I got clean and sober I changed my answering machine message to:

The number I left on the recorder was the local DEA office. Ten minutes after I changed my message, I couldn't buy a seed, pill, puff or anything in that town. As that town was smack dab in the middle of Fairbanks, Alaska - there weren't a lot of other options for me.

But I was serious about my recovery. I didn't want anything to do with anyone who was using. Folks suggested that it might be dangerous but I maintained, and still do, that it was necessary. It showed ME a level of dedication and willingness that I needed to see in myself in order to not die in active addiction.

zoso77

What he says and what he does may be orthogonal to each other. Remember that.

Vale

Minefields make poor jogging and/or exercise areas.

LobstahKiller

Being around friends who use ANYTHING is a recipe for going right back into it.

When an addict is using one thing, and he's hanging out with a friend who wants something else, it is a really, really easy thing to do to hook him up.

Just trust your instincts. You know this is wrong.

Vale

I'm not sure what 'lob'sta's do, but crabs who try to get the hell out
of the bucket keep getting pulled back down.......by other crabs.

My personal intuition is that the probability of successful outcome
is inversely proportional to 'running with the old crowd----or even LIVING
in the same town with them.

(a diplomatic way of saying ZERO)

lonelynn

Thank you all!! Any advice on how I should proceed with this? I have made it clear that I don't want him to talk to anyone who does drugs and drinks, but I can't control what he does. Any additional tips would be appreciated.

Txhelp

lonelynn, I think the others have pretty much spoken to what I would say.

Take care of you.

Gain support-seek it out aggressively.

Set your boundaries but willing to follow through.

You have your hands full. bless you!

lonelynn

Thanks TX...y'all have been a big help. He and I have talked about this at length, but he refuses to accept that it is a bad idea to maintain any contact with people who use, no matter how minimal the communication might be. I told him that I can't tell him what to do, but after all I've been through, doesn't my peace of mind mean anything to him? He said "yes, when you put it that way..." But returned to his same argument of "it's okay cause he doesn't use my DOC." I guess only time will tell on this one, but I have set my boundaries and am more than willing/ready to follow through on them, no matter how sad they make me. Thanks for the support everyone!

Vale

We don't control them or their actions, lonelynn-----we only control ourselves.

chicory

Lynn, good for you , on having boundaries. Happiness lies in keeping them, for you and your children. I hope your hubby listens and thinks hard about this. He may be trying to convince his self. temptation would be stronger, around other users, no matter what the doc.

take care of yourself. eat, rest and laugh with your babies, as much as possible. we are here for you.