PinkCloudsCharley

So AH is now being super sweet. I'm not sure if I should believe him or start looking over my shoulder. He's even agreed to go to counseling with me, with a counselor who specializes in addictions and marriage. He says he's "looking forward to it". He texted me yesterday that he loves me, and we're going to be ok.

I can't get over the feeling there's a snake in the grass. Maybe because I've believed before and been burned. Or maybe I'm being paranoid. I don't trust anyone anymore, even people I have no reason to not trust. I've started CoDA and will go again this week, the chances I get to go are slim because someone has to watch the toddler. SIL has offered to watch him this week so I can go.

I hate that I am now doubting my husband's intentions. Not long ago I would have not given it a second thought, but that was then and he was not an alcoholic then. How things change

lillamy

I think keeping your expectations low might sound boring, but wise. It's a good sign that he says he wants to work on the relationship -- but I think the big question in my mind would be "OK -- but does he want to work on his sobriety and recovery?"

Seeing an addiction specialist for counseling may give you a good idea of where things are heading. My daughter's therapist specializes in addictions, sexual abuse, and eating disorders. When she gets a couple with addiction problems in, she says her first action is to tell the addict "90 meetings in 90 days, after that, we'll talk." She says she can tell from an addict's reaction to that whether they're really motivated (in which case they go "where do I sign up?") or whether they're just thinking they can outsmart the therapist and their partner (in which case they'll come up with 90 excuses why they can't possibly go to all those meetings).

I know the waiting and wondering drives you batty. But more will be revealed. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up for not trusting his intentions. He's given you no reason to do so.

Hammer

As you get you good in all this . . . Alanon, Meetings, Steps . . . all that . . . you will begin to concern yourself a WHOLE lot less with what is up with him, him, him (or her, her, her, in my case).

Here is how I keep it straight -- I can have ONE #1 Priority. For me, that is the three kids. NONE of the kids are named Mrs. Hammer, so I know her stuff is NOT my Priority.

Alanon taught me to take care of #1, (the kids), I have to take care of ME. So ME is #2. Mrs. Hammer is not named ME, so again -- not a priority.

And the real deal is she has PLENTY of help that is not me. A Therapist. A Sponsor. Other folks in the Program. Leaves me free to take care of the REAL Priorities and a WHOLE lot of FREEDOM (!!!!!) from all that Crazy.

I hope the same for you.

Nooo Drama. Not My Circus. Not My Monkey.

SeriousKarma

Too true. When it was suggested to my STBXAH, after his latest epiphany, that he do the 90 meetings in 90 days I could see him physically recoil like he had just ate something seriously disgusting. It was heartbreaking. He had only 3 minutes earlier made a lovely little speech to me and his military chain of command about how the 12 steps suddenly made perfect sense to him, and here he was twitching like a trapped rat at the thought that he would be asked to commit one hour a day for 90 days to save his life.


Soverylost, it sounds to me like your instincts right now are to protect yourself. And that's exactly what you should be doing. Time will show whether or not there's a "snake in the grass".